Boyfriends' past

[bluecastle]

Back in September, OP, you were seeing a guy at work. He was jokey, confident, lots of attraction. But you were worried he was a bit of a shady player, and posted about it here.

 

I wrote the following back then: "It sounds a bit that the very thing you're attracted to in men (confidence, charm) is also the very thing you're threatened by. Until you reckon with that you may find yourself in this position again and again: dating someone you think is a womanizer, regardless of whether or not it's true, and then dancing on pins and needles seeing whether he proves you right or wrong. That's not a relationship. That's games and drama. You may get the power of proving yourself right—that dude x is a player—but what's the point if the cost of that power is feeling played by dude x?"

 

Flash-forward to your current relationship, which seems to have started right on the heels of that one ending, and what do we have? A lot of dancing on pins and needles, by the sound of it. Right from the start you worried if he was marriage material or a dude who was playing the filed, immune to commitment. A little later, before you were exclusive, you were monitoring who he followed on Instagram while he was on vacation. Feb comes around and you're uneasy about him following dewy Instagram thirst traps. And now here we are with the Hannah Dilemma, which sounds like it has been playing out—between you two, in the churn of your own mind—for many months.

 

So, back to the bold.

 

Not trying to attack or toot my own prophetic horn here, but just pointing out (a) a certain unproductive pattern in romance and (b) that I don't really think the issue here has anything to do with your boyfriend's past or how forthcoming (or not) he's been about it. It seems that you are drawn to men who also repel you, who behave in ways (both with you and before you) that you're not comfortable with. Rather than seeing that as a sign that maybe there's a better match, you seem to see it as a challenge, something to work on and work through. Romance as lion taming, basically. Or romance as a cage in which you conquer your fear of lions.

 

And, in this, at least for the time being, you have the perfect partner.

 

Because it seems he, too, is struggling to reconcile something within himself, a tension between wanting to be some kind of ladies man and a paragon of the cultural/traditional value system you both come from back home. The Hannahs, in his mind, represent a certain failure on his part, a defect, something he wants to "fix" or "grow out of," which explains his derogatory language when talking about her, since misogyny is basically self-hatred projected outward.

 

And so he is primed to invite a certain kind of scrutiny and scolding from you—the "good girl" who is "not like that." He wants to be whipped for his past "sins" and in the process get whipped into being a "good boy" who can be with a "good girl." Which works because it seems you like the narrative of being with a "bad boy turned good" more than a "boy who makes you feel really good"—the lion taming stuff. So basically his "issues" and your "trust issues" are dance partners, waltzing about under the guise of "working them out" when in fact it seems they're just getting magnified and occasionally leading to clashes like the one you're in now. In trying to grow up and out of something you both end up engaging in a kind of childish manner.

 

That's what I'm seeing here, at least, to be chewed on or spit out as you see fit. I'm not saying any of that to criticize either of you, but to maybe help you see this dynamic for what it is. You're each using the other a bit to try to become a version of yourselves you aspire to be—sometimes at the expense of feeling seen, understood, heard, and appreciated for who you both actually are, right now. I think you're both getting something of it, but whether it's actually the kind of relationship that genuinely satisfies you and brings out your best, truest selves remains a bit of a question mark.

[katrina1980]

Well blue, if you don't want to toot your own prophetic horn, I will. Because ^^that may be one of the best and most prophetic posts you've ever written on here.

 

>>misogyny is basically self-hatred projected outward.

 

Wow, I have never even considered this before; so profound, and so true!

[bluecastle]

Well blue, if you don't want to toot your own prophetic horn, I will. Because ^^that may be one of the best and most prophetic posts you've ever written on here.

 

>>misogyny is basically self-hatred projected outward.

 

Wow, I have never even considered this before; so profound, and so true!

 

Blush emoji.

 

Just trying to shine a light on the whole machine, rather than one jammed piston.