No communication in between our dates

[Rose Mosse]

It really boils down to what feels good to you. If it feels like he's complacent, pull back a little and don't text or call him every other day. If he wonders why you're being a stranger, just let him know that you've been doing the calling recently and you don't feel you're getting much back from him. I wouldn't go into specifics or come down too hard. If he has any sense, he'll get the point and if he's worth his salt, he'll step up to the challenge. If a man wants to be in contact with you, he'll contact you.

 

I'd only suggest going over why you feel insecure about his potential lack of interest. It is of no bearing on you as a person or what you're capable of, totally independent of whatever romantic relationship you have with anyone. You are your own person and fully capable of engaging in a relationship with someone else if this were not to work out. You're working with a lot of fear. Eliminate that fear completely and encourage more self-confidence in yourself. There is no need and no room for this type of thinking or sadness. Remember that you are not defined by the success of this relationship or how much attention he gives you. I think you would benefit from rebuilding yourself and reconnecting with your family and your loved ones and your interests.

[SGH]

A lot of people are suggesting that you pull back and see what he does. I'm not necessarily on board with that strategy. It's not uncommon for individuals with anxious attachment styles to "act out" or "test" the relationship in that way to see if their partner really loves them. If your partner notices the change, and responds, it will reassure you. However, they may notice the change and become suspicious of the sudden shift in communication style and not respond the way you'd like. If you think about it, suddenly pulling back would be an attempt to play into your partner's anxiety and make them question the relationship. Most people don't enjoy being tested, and even if it works, you'll have to keep pulling back to get the same effect (which is not what you ultimately want).

 

That being said, I'm not suggesting you keep everything the same. He sounds like a consistent and reliable guy to me, but many good points have been made here. If you find yourself feeling tempted to test the relationship, ask yourself why. What signs other than the texting and calling indicate he's not as invested as you? Are you simply value incompatible? (e.g. are you interested in more commitment or a shared future together and you sense/know that he would be okay with your relationship never progressing beyond a certain point?) Do you feel like you're putting in more effort when you're together?

 

A little more honest analysis will answer the question of whether this is truly a problem for you. If not texting and calling throughout the week is a problem and he's not board with changing, he may not be the guy for you, and that's okay. I just wouldn't rush to throw away a good thing if that's the only real issue the two of you currently have.

[reinventmyself]

You make a very valid point.

I am not advocating her testing him. The words she used to describe how she felt was as if she was one holding this together and in fear that she didn't, it might fall apart. If there is a void resist the temptation to keep filling it up.

It's more about testing herself to let go, step back, have some faith and see what happens.

It seems that she might be motivated by her anxiety to fix things and she doesn't even allow the opportunity for him to meet her half way.

If she lets go of the steering wheel, she might be pleasantly surprised.

She also might be surprised with her own resilience.

She can't change him but she can change how she views her own interpretation of what's happening.

[SGH]

You make a very valid point.

I am not advocating her testing him. The words she used to describe how she felt was as if she was one holding this together and in fear that she didn't, it might fall apart.

It's more about testing herself to let go, step back, have some faith and see what happens.

It seems that she might be motivated by her anxiety to fix things and she doesn't even allow the opportunity for him to meet her half way.

If she lets go of the steering wheel, she might be pleasantly surprised.

She also might be surprised with her own resilience.

 

I can definitely agree with that. Understanding her motivations behind her actions will be important for the strategy to be successful in bringing her peace. I have a bit of an anxious attachment style myself and know the pitfalls of the push-pull dynamic, so I hope she is not getting herself into that pattern. Letting go and letting the relationship simply be what it is can be quite difficult.

[reinventmyself]

Letting go and letting the relationship simply be what it is can be quite difficult.

 

Most definitely. .anxious at times here too.

I've learned to practice this and though grueling at first, the rewards are ultimately worth it.

[Littler]

OP: I understand your concern. I agree that you should go with the "talk to him" piece of advice.

[katrina1980]

OP, you sound very much like a former poster who ended up having a 60+ page thread voicing concern about the same exact thing.

 

Lack of communication in between dates.

 

Apparently it's not uncommon, however in her case, it ended up being just one issue after another, all boiling down to her own insecurities and anxieties, in general.

 

So before you talk to him, please think carefully about how your own anxieties (in general not relating to him) might play into how you're feeling.

 

As another poster often asks, which came first, the chicken or the egg?

 

Did you suffer from anxiety before you started dating your bf?

 

Or were you a secure, relatively non-anxious person and his actions (or non-actions) have caused your anxiety?

 

Jmo but in reality it's most likely a combination of both.

[abitbroken]

If you talked to him on the phone more "to hear his voice" - would you be content with that and it not mattering who calls who?

 

How about instead of having a "talk" - just text "hey, i had an interesting day, do you want to catch up by phone tonight or on the way home from work?" or "i have some ideas for dinner places for friday night. give me a call when you have a chance.."

[Bella1010]

If you talked to him on the phone more "to hear his voice" - would you be content with that and it not mattering who calls who?

 

How about instead of having a "talk" - just text "hey, i had an interesting day, do you want to catch up by phone tonight or on the way home from work?" or "i have some ideas for dinner places for friday night. give me a call when you have a chance.."

 

I think these are great ideas, but it comes down to me sort of putting him on the spot asking if he would like to call me, and of course he will say yes. I wish he would call because he wants to, not because I asked him if he would like to chat.

 

I’ve attempted “the talk” as well. Over the phone, in person, I know he’s a “thinker” and likes to read and prefers anyone who would like to communicate with him, communicate via text. So although this may seem like a bit of a cop out, I also told him how I feel via text. Because I wanted him to read it and really grasp what was going on with me. I let him know that I felt distance, felt like it was one sided, etc. Needless to say, that didn’t go well. He took that as an attack and pulled back more. This happened about 1.5 months ago or so, and communication has not improved although our time physically together have. Dates have been consistent and it appears we have gone deeper into the comfort zone. More relaxed with each other. So I’m at the point where I am conflicted, not knowing if it’s the interest level that’s dropped or simply the fact that he has slipped into the comfort zone.

[katrina1980]

I think these are great ideas, but it comes down to me sort of putting him on the spot asking if he would like to call me, and of course he will say yes. I wish he would call because he wants to, not because I asked him if he would like to chat.

 

I’ve attempted “the talk” as well. Over the phone, in person, I know he’s a “thinker” and likes to read and prefers anyone who would like to communicate with him, communicate via text. So although this may seem like a bit of a cop out, I also told him how I feel via text. Because I wanted him to read it and really grasp what was going on with me.

 

I let him know that I felt distance, felt like it was one sided, etc. Needless to say, that didn’t go well. He took that as an attack and pulled back more. This happened about 1.5 months ago or so, and

 

....communication has not improved although our time physically together have. Dates have been consistent and it appears we have gone deeper into the comfort zone. More relaxed with each other. So I’m at the point where I am conflicted, not knowing if it’s the interest level that’s dropped or simply the fact that he has slipped into the comfort zone.

 

 

You mean communication in between dates has not improved, don't you?

 

Because as you state above, since you spoke w him, by your own admission, your dates have been more consistent and you've reached a deeper level of comfort with each other.

 

Which is good positive thing!

 

I am sorry but I am at a loss understanding your conflict.

 

If he were losing interest, he'd be pulling back on dates/spending less time with you, and your time together would be awkward and tense, NOT more comfortable.

 

Unless you're once again, interjecting your own spin interpreting his deep comfort level as him feeling "meh", which would suggest your insecurities run far deeper than him not initiating enough texts.

 

You should check out that 60+ page thread from the poster I referred to earlier (Lex), I will try to link it and PM it to you.

 

It's so similar if not identical to what you are feeling and experiencing; perhaps it might help you put things in perspective, and help you to recognize how your own anxieties and insecurities are sabotaging what might otherwise be a wonderful relationship if not for those anxieties.

[katrina1980]

And to add, I am not surprised one bit that he felt attacked when telling him you need more from him, which is essentially what you did.

 

Men need to feel "accepted" by the woman they love, or potentially will love, and when you ask for more (in this case more texting in between dates) he took it as a criticism that you were unhappy -- unhappy with what he is giving you.

 

Like he's not enough, you can't accept him "as is" and that hurt him.

 

I learned that about men when I attended a support group with both women and men a couple of years ago..

[figureitout23]

The paying and planning of dates I would say is split right in the middle. We take turns visiting each other and paying for dinners. I certainly do not want to base the relationship on frequency of communication between dates, and I’m trying to understand from his perspective because I think, maybe he just knows we are going to see each other on x day, so maybe he doesn’t see the point, or he’s so caught up in life that it doesn’t cross his mind.

 

But a couple of months ago, he did text, he did call. I never felt insecure and now that’s fallen off, I am feeling insecure. I don’t think he’s doing anything he shouldn’t be doing, it’s just the feeling of “he’s not into me” kicks in. Now if it were just him feeling comfortable and settled in, I understand that. But I wonder if he’s lost interest.

 

That’s very understandable and very human we all feel insecurity in our lives but... it's our cross to bear...

 

You can’t force him to be someone he is not just like he can’t force you to be someone you aren’t so your only options are either accept it or walk away... because he isn’t going to change. He may for a bit to placate you but he is who he is.

 

I agree with jman incredibly similar post happened and it went for pages and pages, it pretty much devolved into posters soothing her each time her boyfriend made her feel insecure, then some other crazy stuff came to light and she stopped coming around once it was exposed, such a huge waste of time and energy, but I digress my point is don’t be that poster, at the end of the day learning to self soothe is something that should be explored if not mastered. It’s just not fair to give that job to a partner. Pull up your big girl panties and put in the work to handle you, it’s his job to explore being your partner, nothing else.

 

Also FWIW I think dates twice a week when you both have children is the opposite of ‘going slow’

 

What aren’t you saying OPer?, what are you used to. I guess what I’m asking is what baggage are you choosing to drag with you right now? Serious question. What would be ideal and where did you develop those expectations? I wonder if you’re used to codependent like attachments...

[abitbroken]

I think these are great ideas, but it comes down to me sort of putting him on the spot asking if he would like to call me, and of course he will say yes. I wish he would call because he wants to, not because I asked him if he would like to chat.

 

I’ve attempted “the talk” as well. Over the phone, in person, I know he’s a “thinker” and likes to read and prefers anyone who would like to communicate with him, communicate via text. So although this may seem like a bit of a cop out, I also told him how I feel via text. Because I wanted him to read it and really grasp what was going on with me. I let him know that I felt distance, felt like it was one sided, etc. Needless to say, that didn’t go well. He took that as an attack and pulled back more. This happened about 1.5 months ago or so, and communication has not improved although our time physically together have. Dates have been consistent and it appears we have gone deeper into the comfort zone. More relaxed with each other. So I’m at the point where I am conflicted, not knowing if it’s the interest level that’s dropped or simply the fact that he has slipped into the comfort zone.

 

To me, everything about your relationship is on the up and up. Your times together are great. There is no drop in interest. you are just not to the point in your relationship where you are in eachothers lives 24/7 - waking up together, planning the day together and that would not be right at this point if it was.

 

So what about who calls who.

My guy and I talk around certain times every day. You know why? I called him at that time one day and told him about something I was excited about. After a little while, he got into the routine of talking to me at that time and it became a habit.

 

If this guy was a swinging single, I would sympathize with you. This guy is giving his full attention to who/what is in front of him - being present for his children, doing a good job at work and when he is with you - he is present and attentive. I would be REALLY concerned if this guy was calling you all the time - at work, when his kids needed attention, etc.

 

Honestly, he has made changes and dates are awesome now. he seems to be an "in person" guy and not a meaningless texter and he looks forward to seeing you.

 

you have to decide what hill you want to die on. There are guys out there who have nothing to do all day so can constantly text and call you and tell you how beautiful you are and how they can't wait to see you - but maybe they would not be as great in person. Who knows.

 

I strongly agree with self soothing. What are YOU doing on the 4 days that you don't see him. I find it hard to believe that you are not busy with your kids, getting together with friends, etc, and your job unless you don't work. And if you are sitting around waiting for him to call, vs thinking "i am looking forward to our date tomorrow" and being busy yourself, then I don't know what to tell you

[Bella1010]

I’m perfectly happy with seeing him every 3-4 days as that is all we can do due our work and custodial schedule.

 

I have not heard from him since Thursday morning however, when we left for work. I can usually let a day or two pass before I crack and shoot him a message or call him, but it has been 3 days, and I doubt I will hear from him today. It literally takes 5 seconds to send a text message, not even a Mother’s Day greeting from him. And it sounds petty, yes, but although you all have great points that he seems invested in his own way by putting aside time to see me, it’s as if I don’t exist during the off time. Like I’ve mentioned before, I did bring up my concerns a couple of weeks ago about not hearing from him unless I contact first, in which he responded with “I’ll make more of an effort”. He has not though.

 

Tomorrow is our usual day to see each other. I usually confirm just so we are on the same page and to have an idea on what time I need to be there or what time he will come by. Question: Does it appear like he is hoping that this slides by? Shall I still initiate in the morning to confirm? Reason being, in the event he is already expecting me, I don’t want to assume since I haven’t heard from him, that we are no longer meeting up. And don’t want to just not show up. Yet I will be contacting again for confirmation. I’m not into games and have been calling or texting him when I feel like doing so despite knowing I’m always the one doing it. But perhaps there is a time when it should just stop if the other person is not putting in any effort when it comes to that.

[boltnrun]

That’s very understandable and very human we all feel insecurity in our lives but... it's our cross to bear...

 

You can’t force him to be someone he is not just like he can’t force you to be someone you aren’t so your only options are either accept it or walk away... because he isn’t going to change. He may for a bit to placate you but he is who he is.

 

I agree with jman incredibly similar post happened and it went for pages and pages, it pretty much devolved into posters soothing her each time her boyfriend made her feel insecure, then some other crazy stuff came to light and she stopped coming around once it was exposed, such a huge waste of time and energy, but I digress my point is don’t be that poster, at the end of the day learning to self soothe is something that should be explored if not mastered. It’s just not fair to give that job to a partner. Pull up your big girl panties and put in the work to handle you, it’s his job to explore being your partner, nothing else.

 

Also FWIW I think dates twice a week when you both have children is the opposite of ‘going slow’

 

What aren’t you saying OPer?, what are you used to. I guess what I’m asking is what baggage are you choosing to drag with you right now? Serious question. What would be ideal and where did you develop those expectations? I wonder if you’re used to codependent like attachments...

 

That was Lex and from what I recall she also used the number 10 in her user name.

 

Bottom line, OP, if you NEED a man who texts with more frequency between dates, this man is not him.

[bluecastle]

That was Lex and from what I recall she also used the number 10 in her user name.

 

Are you implying what I think you're implying? If so, something like this has crossed my mind.

 

I have to admit that I'm kind of confused, OP. This is your boyfriend of 8 months, or almost a year. If you're this skittish to send him a text, or this nervous about what he may be thinking or feeling, our this frustrated by a dynamic you've both created over a long period—well, something in there just doesn't jibe. Sounds like the kind of stuff you work out, or don't, after a month or two.

 

I can see this from all sides. I mean, he's busy, he's got work and kids, and he's making what sounds to me like significant time for you. To which I want to say: chill, all good, self-soothe, enjoy.

 

On the other hand, days of silence from a partner would bother me—or, more to the point, or more what I'm sensing, months of being "in" something with someone who feels "in-ish," or not as "into" as I am, would really bother me. To which I want to say: find a dude who's as sparkly about it all as you are and/or who makes you feel secure in the level of sparkles in his head and heart, in one form or another.

 

Bottom line is that none of us can really offer anything that makes you feel more secure in the relationship you're in. We can tell you what we see, what works or doesn't for us, but, alas, we are not you.

[Wiseman2]

It's tough with kids and custodial schedules. He may have been with his kids and his mom/family or their mother this weekend. He may have assumed you would be busy with your kids/family. Yes always confirm dates with a quick text.

It literally takes 5 seconds to send a text message, not even a Mother’s Day greeting from him.

 

Yet I will be contacting again for confirmation.

[Wiseman2]

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=557633

That was Lex and from what I recall she also used the number 10 in her user name.Bottom line, OP, if you NEED a man who texts with more frequency between dates, this man is not him.

[Capricorn3]

Multiple accounts not allowed. Thread closed.

[kamurj]

Multiple accounts are not allowed. Thread closed.