Uncomfortable (sex related) interaction with coworker?

[rchubn]

I think it's absolutely wrong watching porn and masturbating at work, specially in a public office and I think most people here agree that it's wrong. The issue is that you don't have any direct evidence or 100% sure that was that he was doing. I'm curious, how did he react when you entered the room? Has he been treating you differently than usual?

 

I think it's one thing if you complain to the bosses or HR that you caught a co-worker using his phone to do non related work stuff during the work time (like that e-mail mentions) but not complain to the HR that he was masturbating at work because you're not sure if it was that he was doing. And I'm saying this not as a way of excusing masturbation at work (if that was what was happening), but to avoid you getting into trouble or making serious false accusations you're not sure nor can prove.

 

As to the discomfort you feel, there's not much you can do. I'd say avoid him besides work matters if you feel so uncomfortable around him and try to move on. If you feel so bad and traumatised I suggest therapy or changing jobs for your own mental health good.

 

( Just as a personal experience, I never use my phone at work (I literally have no time even if I wanted as I don't stop for a minute while working), but I'm in a whatsapp group with friends that sometimes send very inappropriate videos (comedic, not porn itself). Were I to open those videos at work or in a public setting in general and someone looked at my phone or listened to the videos, they'd probably think I was watching porn or something like that in public. However, I have the common sense and discretion of never opening those videos or group conversations in public. I think he should have too, because it's careless to watch inappropriate videos, comedic or not in public settings and with sound. But still, you haven't seen enough to be 100% sure he was getting off with porn at work )

He was jittery and the room felt heavy as if I had walked into something inappropriate. Had he brushed it off and acted normal, I don't think I would've gave it any thought but the vibe I got with later interactions made me feel like I walked into something private

[smackie9]

Jerkin off at the office is a very common thing...not a good thing but is common...even women do it.

As a manager myself, I expect things like this be reported. you can report it to HR or a supervisor. Reporting this cannot get you fired. If this happened in my company the individual would have been dismissed immediately. Tho it's natural thing to do... not when it's in a public place.

[Billie28]

 

Not one person said masturbating in the work place is appropriate.

Quote them in your response if I missed it?

 

You asked about regaining comfort in your workplace and I suggested you knock before entering an office with a closed door.

 

The likelihood is that your coworker was NOT masturbating and that’s what people are responding to.

You heard “noises” from his phone ONLY!

As I said in my initial reply there are memes that are jokes about these “noises” and that’s a very good possible explanation as to what you heard. So why are YOU uncomfortable at work?

 

I don’t actually believe you when you say now that you are concerned about your workmates.

Your workmates have not expressed to you any discomfort in their workplace , you did.

And you say you are uncomfortable being in staff meetings with a “pervert” !!!

 

People watch porn , men and women, it does not make them perverted.

Of course there is an appropriate place and time. But you have no idea if he even was watching porn. And that’s the point people are replying to!!!

[rchubn]

The office is a shared office. There are two work desks inside meaning there's a possibility that two employees can work in it at the same time. That rarely happens except in this situation, I was asked to run a small errand and needed access to the office to do it. This office was collaboratively decorated and even has photos of peoples family inside. Matter of a fact, another coworker stores his bike in the office daily. It is automatically assumed that because it's a shared office, you might see a coworker in and out of it at some point.

 

I can admit I'm overreacting but I can't comprehend how/why he thought this space would be private enough to do something like this unless he gets a high off the possibility of being caught. We also have students walking around constantly and that brings up another sick feeling but I'm not even going to go there. Again, I don't know know what I walked into so I'm not going to report but that doesn't mend my discomfort at the idea that I possibly walked into something inappropriate and it doesn't mend the worry I have that someone else might of walked into something similar and that there might be a serious issue here.

 

So, my initial reaction is definitely an over reaction but there's a lot at stake and although I'm not going to say anything, I get uncomfortable at the idea that I might of saw something/a part of something that might be a bigger issue and I didn't say anything.

[rchubn]

What exactly did you see, OP?

 

You heard noises coming from his phone. We get that. Perhaps he was indeed watching porn.

 

But you went on to say you are sure he was masturbating, which is not the same as simply watching. That's the part you haven't been able to clarify. So, what was this man actually doing? Did he have his hand in his pants? Did he jump and try to zip up when you entered? Was he embarrassed to see you walk in? Did he try to rearrange himself and cover his crotch? Or?

 

The details of what you actually witnessed are scant, so it would be helpful if you'd paint a more detailed picture if you would like posters to see where you're coming from.

I saw him jump and act jittery and the first thing I said to him was a work question which took him a back and he went "ohh.. blah blah" but as he was speaking to me he was fumbling to get whatever was playing on his phone off and for whatever reason he popped the back off his phone and popped the battery out as if he couldn't get whatever was on his phone clicked out in enough time.

 

At first I didn't comprehend what I had walked in on until I was sitting in the office with him asking him a work question and felt like the room vibe was unusually heavy. I sat there wondering why this felt so weird, replaying the interaction. Wondering why the hell he was jittery and basically took his phone apart. That's when I realized I might of walked into something inappropriate which then made me jittery and I made some excuse to go work in one of the spare cubicals outside.

[RayofLighten]

 

You asked what you can do, we said knock and wait before barging into someone's office. No one here condoned masterbating in the workplace and it doesn't sound like that was what he was doing. Watching porn maybe, would explain the slight jittery behavior. Our issue here is with your over defensiveness and nasty insults towards us in response.

[Billie28]

I think at some point people need to consider how certain situations will be viewed by others.

 

If someone walked in on me in the office doing yoga, it would be fair for someone to assume that I'm not doing my work.

 

If someone walked in the office and I had Hulu pulled up, it would be fair for someone to assume that I'm watching TV while being on the clock.

 

So in this situation... where someone walks in on someone else listening to porn, it's fair for someone to assume that they possibly walked in on someone elses inappropriate behavior at work.

 

So you are agreeing that he was NOT actually masturbating but that YOU assume when someone is watching porn that that’s what they ARE doing? Not that it’s even proven there was any porn viewed.

 

I am now “assuming” that you have or had a partner that watched porn and you didn’t like it.

 

You are too assuming based on what you think you heard , for this NOT to be some personal issue.

 

It definitely sounds like something us “retards” (rude) can’t help you with!

You need professional help it seems.

 

I think it was wiseman that suggested you get therapy and I’m inclined to agree. Now.

It seems that this issue you have is like some sort of vendetta

[rchubn]

I have nothing against the man or the fact that he watches porn. There's no secret religious pushy judgey coworker mess going on here. I don't care what he does but that doesn't mean I want to see it go down. I think that's a fair request... again, I can't 100% say that that's what I saw but it sure felt like it.

 

I was wrong by calling him a pervert. He's not a pervert because he watches porn but if that's what I walked in on, he has perverted tendencies if he thinks that doing this in a workplace is appropriate.

 

Hell, had he done it when the office was absolutely empty and there was no possibility of anyone walking in, I WOULDN'T EVEN CARE. He can do what he wants if that's the situation but it's not. I have three jobs and I try to jungle them all, sometimes I'm running around a lot and sometimes I NEED the office to work because it's a quiet space, I just didn't want to have to wonder if someone is masturbating in the office or not. This is a space that was given to multiple people to share and do their work. I don't want to make my life harder because I'm uncomfortable using the space that given because someone has decided that his coworkers should have to ask themselves "is someone masturbating in there" before considering using the office.

 

Thank you for the responses and I apologize if I offended anyone.

[rchubn]

For now I'm going to wait and see how life runs it's course. I'm not going to try to LOOK for evidence to get him in trouble but if I walk into a similar situation with more evidence, he will be reported to HR. (If that's what he was doing) He got just got a free pass to correct his behavior. Keep in mind I have no idea if he's ever been reported for this in the past but as far as this situation goes, he has a free pass now but if I see it again with more evidence, I'll be reporting and that doesn't mean that Ill be looking for reasons to report him or purposely trying to catch him in the act.

[j.man]

He didn't get a free pass. You're just fantasizing of having been victimized. Focus on your job. Also expand your vocabulary if "retarded" is still a pejorative you consider acceptable. There's a whole lot that makes sympathizing with you a near impossible task.

[RayofLighten]

For now I'm going to wait and see how life runs it's course. I'm not going to try to LOOK for evidence to get him in trouble but if I walk into a similar situation with more evidence, he will be reported to HR. (If that's what he was doing) He got just got a free pass to correct his behavior. Keep in mind I have no idea if he's ever been reported for this in the past but as far as this situation goes, he has a free pass now but if I see it again with more evidence, I'll be reporting and that doesn't mean that Ill be looking for reasons to report him or purposely trying to catch him in the act.

 

You say you don't care but you obviously care enough to come here and rant at people about it. I think it's clear you do have a problem with this guy.

[DancingFool]

You don't know if he was watching porn, you are assuming.

You didn't see him masturbating, you are assuming.

He hasn't done anything to you, yet based on the above assumptions you are creating drama and labeling him a pervert.

Also, after making the above outrageous assumptions, you are now seeking justification where none exists and attributing a common workplace e-mail about people not texting/messaging their SO's on company time to it being about this man and his alleged perversions that you've completely made up in your mind.

 

 

You'd best admit that you have a vivid imagination that's not very nice and will get you in a whole lot of trouble if you don't get a handle on it. Let it go and spend some time figuring out what's wrong in your life that you are acting out like this.

[bluecastle]

So, I can’t say for sure, but something about your posting style is giving me a weird vibe, OP. Like maybe you’re at work? Or maybe posting while driving, which could mean you might accidentally kill someone? And, in general, with all due respect, you’re sort of mean and entitled-sounding.

 

Something about the edginess, I don’t know. But it’s changed the way I feel here on ENA—I’m uncomfortable, you could say, in a place I’ve found a lot of comfort—and so what do you think I should do? Should I talk to the moderators and see if they can talk to you? Should I post about it? Should I talk to other posters?

 

Or should I just chill, accept that life is sometimes murky and uncomfortable, and use my energy to focus on something that’s not, you know, you and your posting style and the assumptions I’m making about it?

 

Do you see what I just did there?

[rchubn]

So, I can’t say for sure, but something about your posting style is giving me a weird vibe, OP. Like maybe you’re at work? Or maybe posting while driving, which could mean you might accidentally kill someone? And, in general, with all due respect, you’re sort of mean and entitled-sounding.

 

Something about the edginess, I don’t know. But it’s changed the way I feel here on ENA—I’m uncomfortable, you could say, in a place I’ve found a lot of comfort—and so what do you think I should do? Should I talk to the moderators and see if they can talk to you? Should I post about it? Should I talk to other posters?

 

Or should I just chill, accept that life is sometimes murky and uncomfortable, and use my energy to focus on something that’s not, you know, you and your posting style and the assumptions I’m making about it?

 

Do you see what I just did there?

Do what you need to do buddy. And no, I have no idea what you did there. Maybe try again?

[mustlovedogs]

Do what you need to do buddy. And no, I have no idea what you did there. Maybe try again?

 

You are sassy. Geeze.

 

I’m 95% sure you’re being a smart a$$ BUT to state the obvious:

 

He doesn’t like what you’re doing. But he’s not gonna go whine to someone else to make him feel comfy.

 

And, by analogy, you shouldn’t either.

 

Also, you never responded to one of my posts. I asked some questions that I’m curious about.

[maew]

I'm not going to try to LOOK for evidence to get him in trouble

 

Great!

 

but if I walk into a similar situation with more evidence, he will be reported to HR.

he has a free pass now but if I see it again with more evidence, I'll be reporting

 

Wait a second...

 

that doesn't mean that Ill be looking for reasons to report him or purposely trying to catch him in the act.

 

You are though, according to your above quotes. All coming from the same post. And previous posts where you assume he was doing something that he may or may not have been doing.

 

The facts here are:

 

There is no question that it is not appropriate to view porn or masturbate at work... where there IS question is whether or not this individual was doing as you claim. You have no hard evidence except your "feeling" that something wasn't right, some noises you heard (but didn't see) and a vague email sent with rather perfect timing to your organization.

 

This leads me to ask why you jumped to this assumption with this individual instead of giving him the benefit of the doubt? Has he done other things in the past to pi$$ you off that would lead you to assume these things about him?

[MissCanuck]

I still don't see where the guy was actually touching himself when you walked in, OP. Nothing you have posted indicates that.

 

While I agree that watching porn at work is inappropriate, if that's in fact what he was doing, I think you are reaching to say you are sure he was pleasuring himself. Based on what you have described here, you never once saw his hands anywhere near his nether-regions and he was not exposing himself.

 

I would strongly advise you to refrain from making accusations you have no basis for.

[rchubn]

I did make an accusation and I admitted about being wrong about it. I said I had no proof beyond what happened. I didn't see anything. Therefore, I'm not making any formal report.

 

I feel like I'm more upset about the porn noises and the overall jitters while trying to get his phone disabled and I'm upset about the 30 seconds where I'm asking him about work before noticing that his device is playing inappropriate content. That was uncomfortable for me and took me a back. And I'm also slightly annoyed that I suddenly felt uncomfortable in the office we were all meant to share. Did I think he'd do something perverted to me? Absolutely not. He seems like a nice guy.

 

I guess I was frustrated over the fact that we're crunching to meet a deadline and I walk in and this is how time is being spent. However, I didn't report him about how he spent his work time and the mass email that was sent was most likely coincidence.

 

So yes:

 

- frustration over not being comfortable using the office when I needed it.

 

- irritated that everyone else is pulling their weight/trying to get a hold of this guy for days and this guy is clearly watching porn in the office.

 

All valid frustrations... I was wrong to assume he was masturbating but I'm allowed to be uncomfortable and annoyed at how a team member is spending their time.

 

(Keep in mind the errand I was assigned was something supposed to be done by him. No one could get in contact with him. Come to find out he's in the office doing whatever. So I guess it's fair to say I walked into the situation annoyed and then overreacted when I heard pornagraphic content coming from his phone and watching him act like a deer in the headlights. It's just not a good look... another reason I assumed no one was in the office, no one could contact the office via the office phone)

[Rose Mosse]

For some reason I find it incredibly admirable that someone could get horny at work. That's some serious talent.

 

I can tell from your previous posts already, rchubn, that you're very irritated with the situation and offended so I'm not going to drive you up the wall by saying that your thoughts are not valid. I'm not certain myself how I would have handled it but I don't think I would be as irked as you. At the end of the day it is a workplace and while a communal place, it's also not a personal space as in it's not your house, your apartment, your car or your couch he was on. I'd suggest you remain professional and don't let your emotions get the better of you. It's up to management how they handle it and not your place nor your burden to get so wrapped up in it.

 

I read that you feel uncomfortable around this person in meetings and when you see him around. We aren't going to always get along with everyone at work, at play (in our professional or personal lives). It's time to be a bit more realistic. If you don't make any direct contact with this person, there's no reason not to be cordial or at least tolerate the other person's presence/employment. If you are the manager handling this and not sure what to do, go to your director or next superior up and request advice on the matter. Speak in hypotheticals and don't disclose anything. Be cautious with your words as how you are perceived will be directly related to your ability to interpret events(real or hypothetical). I'd caution you to be cautious of your language and in the way you deliver any issues or concerns in the workplace as anything you say can or may backfire on you and your overall professionalism.

[MissCanuck]

I feel like I'm more upset about the porn noises and the overall jitters while trying to get his phone disabled and I'm upset about the 30 seconds where I'm asking him about work before noticing that his device is playing inappropriate content. That was uncomfortable for me and took me a back. And I'm also slightly annoyed that I suddenly felt uncomfortable in the office we were all meant to share. Did I think he'd do something perverted to me? Absolutely not. He seems like a nice guy.

 

Well, exactly. He wasn't intentionally trying to do anything to you.

 

Look, he got caught in an awkward moment. You did too. No, it's not a wise way to spend work time, if he was actually watching porn. Now he knows better.

 

But, I also think you got carried away. When you first posted this, you were very upset that you'd caught this guy masturbating. Now, you concede that you actually have no evidence of that and that your real frustration stems from people (including him) not pulling their weight at work.

 

Learn to separate your emotions from the facts before assigning blame. Identify the real sources of your anger and don't misrepresent people. If you're angry about one particular issue (people not contributing), stick to that. If you're uncomfortable with him watching porn, don't exaggerate that into a story about catching him masturbating. Even reading the way you express your position here on this thread, you tend to get hostile and use offensive language yourself. Your very use of the word "retarded" would have earned you an official warning in my workplace, for example. Next time, take a deep breath. Step back. Had you actually gone to HR with your accusation of masturbation, this man would be in a world of trouble - and for what?

 

I am curious is porn is a particularly sensitive subject for you. You appear to be very triggered, and I am wondering if there is more to it.

[Wiseman2]

Why are you out for blood? At the workplace and here? Therapy would help you tremendously to sort out this intense displaced anger at your previous bf for having pics of his ex and him having sex on his computer and breaking up with you. It seems you simply hate this guy and want him punished for something you never saw and something you are assuming.

 

First of all "he was jittery" and "the room felt heavy" and "he was taking the battery out of his phone" are not indicators or any sort of evidence of this outrageous accusation. No one has to remove a phone battery to turn it off. Who gave him a "free pass"? You? You for not running to HR with completely fictitious story and accusing him of "making you uncomfortable" and "watching porn and masturbating"? And hoping to destroy his career and job based on "the room felt heavy"?

 

Getting a handle on the anger you still have toward your last bf and the "perverted" things he was "hiding" on his computer and supposedly using the pics of him and his ex to masturbate to.

if I walk into a similar situation with more evidence, he will be reported to HR. (If that's what he was doing) He got just got a free pass to correct his behavior. Keep in mind I have no idea if he's ever been reported for this in the past but as far as this situation goes, he has a free pass now but if I see it again with more evidence, I'll be reporting and that doesn't mean that Ill be looking for reasons to report him or purposely trying to catch him in the act.

[Wiseman2]

You just heard it? What exactly did you hear?

I heard pornagraphic content coming from his phone