Dancing With Demons

[Nickel Speed]

It's not your fault she chose to cheat. And now with this new information, it's obvious she's never stood by herself without hopping to a man.

That's bad character no matter how you slice it.

 

I posted this information somewhere towards the beginning. It's not new.

 

Yes, she's never been single for long.

[figureitout23]

How would getting more distance do anything to cause her to get the help she needs?

 

If it came to therapy to save the relationship, I'd certainly go. I have no desire to go otherwise because I know my pain will fade with time.

 

It wouldnt, the distance is for you and your child, not her, and I stated that.

 

Couples therapy at this point is a possibility, one of many, in the far off future.

 

Again, your only goal should be distance.

 

Shes not the only one who 'needs help' you do too.

 

And a BIG reality you havent yet faced is, if that help is found, it could mean you two both realize the relationship cannot be fixed.

 

There are many directions this could go.

[Nickel Speed]

I didn't have the issues I have now until her.

 

I was perfectly content and happy being alone. I wasn't needy, jealous, or codependent.

 

I realize the cause of it now, which is why I believe this time I would succeed where I failed. I never with to project that pain onto anyone again.

[figureitout23]

I didn't have the issues I have now until her.

 

I was perfectly content and happy being alone. I wasn't needy, jealous, or codependent.

 

I realize the cause of it now, which is why I believe this time I would succeed where I failed. I never with to project that pain onto anyone again.

 

You'd be surprised what issues and deficiencies we have within ourselves present themselves when were in relationships.

 

I have no doubt her cheating exasperated neediness, jealousy, and codependence, how could it not?

 

She chose someone else over you, not once but twice. That kind of blow would take out the strongest person.

 

Serious question, since youre convinced things are different this time and not simply byproduct of you being in the bargaining stage, what changed exactly?

 

Another serous question or rather statement... you know the truth youve stated it to others

 

Run far away. You don't trust him. Follow your instinct, not your heart. I made that mistake myself.

 

Trust me, it's better to be briefly heartbroken now than it is to have a family with the man only to find out he is cheating later.

Then you will have kids with him as well as being heartbroken and will have to be around him for the rest of your life due to having kids with him.

 

NO CONTACT means you should not be friends with him on social media if you want to move on.

 

Coming from the view of a betrayed spouse, my wife was always secretive of her phone and demanded privacy.

 

Turns out the reason was that she was cheating on me. I had no issue with her having access to my stuff, because I was not up to anything suspicious. I will not let that happen in a future relationship.

 

You will never properly trust him again. Cut the relationship off before you waste any more time and heartbreak. When he askes why, tell him exactly how you feel. If he is at all interested, he will listen and correct. If not, good luck to him.

 

I hate it for you as I am in a similar situation. I found out my wife was cheating on my very shortly ago. She moved out and already moved on with the other man while I am left here to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and shattered confidence.

 

I only say that to say this. "You can't force him to change or be in a relationship with you."

 

He has to want it. It sounds like he does not. What they had was very real. I assume he is only going to counseling to appease you because you found out. The relationship may be saved, but he is going to have to do the work and truly want it. Do not baby him and learn to respect yourself and your boundaries. This is the part I am struggling with learning.

 

You have to forgive him, but you don't do that for him. You have to do it for you so you can move on. There is a very real chance you won't be able to get over the betrayal, and that is ok. If that is the case, you will have to just move on as I am trying to do.

 

Good luck. We will get through this, with or without our spouses.

 

Nickle you give beautiful advice because youve been there. I think deep down you know theres no going back.

[ninjabib]

Nickel the times she has chosen to be with you is when other men haven't worked out. Good luck.

[Nickel Speed]

You'd be surprised what issues and deficiencies we have within ourselves present themselves when were in relationships.

 

I have no doubt her cheating exasperated neediness, jealousy, and codependence, how could it not?

 

She chose someone else over you, not once but twice. That kind of blow would take out the strongest person.

 

Serious question, since youre convinced things are different this time and not simply byproduct of you being in the bargaining stage, what changed exactly?

 

Another serous question or rather statement... you know the truth youve stated it to others

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nickle you give beautiful advice because youve been there. I think deep down you know theres no going back.

 

What has changed is the fact that I have realized what I did that was wrong. I can not let someone feel that way again because of me. I've spent a long time reflecting on it and putting myself in her shoes.

 

 

I am trying to move on. But if she were willing to open up, not hide her phone, and give it an honest go one last time I want to try.

Everything else was so great about our relationship. Very few arguments until the end. Tons of support. We drove eachother to do things we would have never done without the other one. (Example: She convinced me to contact my mom that I hadn't spoke to in 15 years.)

 

Most of the best memories in my life include her and are because of her. Before then, I truly wasn't happy. I was content with life, but I wasn't happy. I just didn't know it.

[boltnrun]

"But if she were willing to open up, not hide her phone, and give it an honest go one last time I want to try."

 

So in other words, if she behaved like a completely different person it could work.

 

Honestly, it's easier to find someone who doesn't do those behaviors than it is to try to get someone to "change". Plus, has she indicated she wants to "change " and try again?

[lone129]

My hiaband does the same. Except recently i opened up about how i feel as a person and needed some help ti think good of myself. He said i started a fight wouldnt answer me never said he cared wouldnt ley me finish. Says what about him. Then he happily gets to stay on his phone all noght and day. We have kids i stay home no friends he doesnt go out with us anywhere. He doesnt touch me at all or look away from phone at me and always changes ths screen or turns screen off if i walk by. You dont gwt angry if there aint somethinv u know iz going to make u look bad and end up being punished. My husband tries flipping it on me. I say try to be strong and open and confront it all. If u get yrlled at or no answers id say shes to occupied like my husband. Sorry but i hooe u dont pull urself down. Girls that get alot of attention and cared for and truly loved think they are queen and dont know what its like to have noone carry the emotional stress for them like us. I keep thinking im wrong but once again im punished for crying and needing a hug or encouragement etc. I hope i know happiness sometime soon again.

[Nickel Speed]

My hiaband does the same. Except recently i opened up about how i feel as a person and needed some help ti think good of myself. He said i started a fight wouldnt answer me never said he cared wouldnt ley me finish. Says what about him. Then he happily gets to stay on his phone all noght and day. We have kids i stay home no friends he doesnt go out with us anywhere. He doesnt touch me at all or look away from phone at me and always changes ths screen or turns screen off if i walk by. You dont gwt angry if there aint somethinv u know iz going to make u look bad and end up being punished. My husband tries flipping it on me. I say try to be strong and open and confront it all. If u get yrlled at or no answers id say shes to occupied like my husband. Sorry but i hooe u dont pull urself down. Girls that get alot of attention and cared for and truly loved think they are queen and dont know what its like to have noone carry the emotional stress for them like us. I keep thinking im wrong but once again im punished for crying and needing a hug or encouragement etc. I hope i know happiness sometime soon again.

 

I'm sorry for your situation.

[Nickel Speed]

Just left the lawyers office.

 

Was texting my wife. I asked her if she was still sure.

She said she doesn't know if she ever really loved me. She said she told her friends that she was afraid I was going to ask her to marry me before we had our child.

Then she said she only married me due to the fact that we had a child together.

 

Would she say these things just to drive me away because of how she feels now? I truly don't believe her. I could see the love in her eyes and in her actions before things became bad.

[Nickel Speed]

She just got home from a concert and messaged me at 12:30 a.m. to tell me about it. Shouldn't she be messaging her new man?

 

I guess I have to try to find a spine and tell her to stop contacting me unless it's child related. Gotta give it to her, even while drunk she's not interested in reconciliation.

[Carus]

She just got home from a concert and messaged me at 12:30 a.m. to tell me about it. Shouldn't she be messaging her new man?

Yes.

....even while drunk she's not interested in reconciliation.

She is doing what is known as 'weaning off you'.....

 

Same thing happened to me....It sux and causes trauma.

 

Carus*

[Nickel Speed]

Yes.

 

She is doing what is known as 'weaning off you'.....

 

Same thing happened to me....It sux and causes trauma.

 

Carus*

 

Any tips for coping?

[Seraphim]

She just got home from a concert and messaged me at 12:30 a.m. to tell me about it. Shouldn't she be messaging her new man?

 

I guess I have to try to find a spine and tell her to stop contacting me unless it's child related. Gotta give it to her, even while drunk she's not interested in reconciliation.

 

Say is there anything wrong with my daughter? No? Night and turn your phone off.

[Carus]

Any tips for coping?

Yes. Go back to page 1 and check the links I posted....

C*

[Nickel Speed]

Say is there anything wrong with my daughter? No? Night and turn your phone off.

 

Well, if I did that it wouldn't wake me up for work. Lol.

[Nickel Speed]

Yes. Go back to page 1 and check the links I posted....

C*

 

I did that when you posted them. The breakup guide was helpful.

 

Teal Swan sort of puts me to sleep and sounds like psychedelic spirituality (Time space realities, etc) . I guess the videos are meant to be calming, but it really hasn't helped.

[Seraphim]

I have a do not disturb feature on my phone . Does yours have one?

Well, if I did that it wouldn't wake me up for work. Lol.

[Nickel Speed]

I have a do not disturb feature on my phone . Does yours have one?

 

If I did (I don't think I do), it wouldn't do much good. I'm on my phone frequently (This forum, facebook, etc) . I was already on my phone last night at 12:30 when she messaged.

[Wiseman2]

You don't need different phones/settings, you don't need to tell her not to contact you. It would help if you read up on "Walk Away Wife Syndrome" to understand why she left and is now playing nice.

[Nickel Speed]

You don't need different phones/settings, you don't need to tell her not to contact you. It would help if you read up on "Walk Away Wife Syndrome" to understand why she left and is now playing nice.

 

I've read about this. Heck, I'd venture to guess I've read nearly everything that pops up in google about this situation. I know why she left.

I understand her wanting to feel better about her actions, but how does sending me a late night text do that? That's not playing nice.

[boltnrun]

Because you let her.

 

Look, playing doormat isn't attractive and won't entice her to come back to you. You are not required to respond to any communication that doesn't involve your child.

 

And obsessing over "why why WHY" she's doing this or that won't help a bit. She did it because she wanted to and because you let her. Nothing more.

[Nickel Speed]

Currently, she is texting me about our daughter's birthday party coming soon. Making plans, etc.

 

Is this a conversation I should be part of? It's about our child.

 

She will start to talk about our child any time I give short concise answers or don't respond.

[ninjabib]

I don't have chldren but personally i would repsond to our messages around our shared child. If she then starts to go off on tangents about her life, other men, drama whatever i would explain you are only available to talk about your daughter ONLY.

[figureitout23]

I don't have chldren but personally i would repsond to our messages around our shared child. If she then starts to go off on tangents about her life, other men, drama whatever i would explain you are only available to talk about your daughter ONLY.

 

I agree with ninja, make it completely clear you only want to communicate about your child

 

Shes not stupid nickel, nor is she emotionally healthy as I stated before, since shes clearly not above using your child as a pawn.

 

The constant contact unless you're doing it and not telling us, is a power play, she wants to be an audience to you being hurt, she wnats to see you sad and squirming.

 

Stop letting her.

 

Hell I'd reduce communication to email, but Im petty, you wont use me as an emotional crutch...

 

Look you need to distance yourself and since you refuse to set boundaries shes able to weasel her way in via your child.

 

if you would just set up boundaries and a schedule, you'd gain a lot of your own power back.