boltnrun Posted March 15, 2019 Share Posted March 15, 2019 One day you'll get tired of starring in your own tragic drama. And I don't mean that to be disparaging. I mean, right now you are kind of caught up in this whole feeling of despair. You are, in the words of Gotye, addicted to a certain kind of sadness. You are embracing the sadness and the feelings of helplessness. But one day soon you won't want to do this anymore. You'll get sick and tired of being sick and tired. And maybe then you'll take action. In the meantime, if you're determined to cling to your sadness you will continue to feel lousy. It's up to you how long it will go on. Link to comment
Nickel Speed Posted March 15, 2019 Author Share Posted March 15, 2019 If it's a choice, it's certainly one I've had 0 ability to control. Every time I think I start to get a handle on it, depression comes back hard. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted March 15, 2019 Share Posted March 15, 2019 If it's a choice, it's certainly one I've had 0 ability to control. Every time I think I start to get a handle on it, depression comes back hard. But see, you are demonstrating exactly what I've been saying. You write that you have no ability to control this situation. You're right in one way; we have no control over anything external. What we DO have control over is how we choose to deal with what life throws us. You can choose to sit at home wallowing. Or, you can choose to leave home and do something, anything different to try to change how you're feeling. Right now you are giving up. But I guarantee one day you will get really tired of this situation controlling every aspect of your life and you'll tell yourself "OK, enough is enough. I'm getting out of this". And you will. I've had a pretty awful morning. I was notified about a financial hit that I knew nothing about and currently have no control over. But I'm going out to do things I enjoy because sitting at home stewing is not appealing to me. Link to comment
Nickel Speed Posted March 15, 2019 Author Share Posted March 15, 2019 How do I get past the mental block to do something else? Link to comment
boltnrun Posted March 15, 2019 Share Posted March 15, 2019 By disregarding it. You think "I don't feel like going to the local bar to play pool". Or, "I don't feel like going for a short ride on my bike". And your answer is "'I don't feel like it' is not a valid reason anymore. I'm going anyway". You know...fake it until you make it. I used to tell myself "suck it up, this feeling won't last forever". And it didn't. I had been telling myself this guy was "the love of my life who I'll love FOREVER!!!1111" Well, he wasn't and I didn't. But I had to act when I "didn't feel like it". And it worked. Link to comment
Nickel Speed Posted March 15, 2019 Author Share Posted March 15, 2019 I feel like if it was as easy as forcing yourself to not be depressed, there would be a lot less medical treatment and suicide in this world. I fake happiness all day at work or any time I see someone. It hasn't gotten me far. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted March 15, 2019 Share Posted March 15, 2019 I feel like if it was as easy as forcing yourself to not be depressed, there would be a lot less medical treatment and suicide in this world. I fake happiness all day at work or any time I see someone. It hasn't gotten me far. Sigh...I never used the word "easy" anywhere in my posts on this thread. In fact, I acknowledged that it is difficult, hence my references to you deciding to do something to change your situation once you get tired of feeling lousy. Link to comment
Nickel Speed Posted March 15, 2019 Author Share Posted March 15, 2019 Sigh...I never used the word "easy" anywhere in my posts on this thread. In fact, I acknowledged that it is difficult, hence my references to you deciding to do something to change your situation once you get tired of feeling lousy. Hopefully that comes sooner than later. Maybe I need a rebound gf. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 15, 2019 Share Posted March 15, 2019 Hopefully that comes sooner than later. Maybe I need a rebound gf. Never use someone to get over someone . That it is incredibly unkind to do. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 15, 2019 Share Posted March 15, 2019 You adore your daughter what if in the future someone uses her as a rebound? Wouldn’t you be angry? Link to comment
Nickel Speed Posted March 15, 2019 Author Share Posted March 15, 2019 Not if I'm up front about it. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 15, 2019 Share Posted March 15, 2019 Not if I'm up front about it. But who is going to go for the fact that hey you’re a rebound and I’m using you but hey let’s have a good time ? Huh? Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted March 15, 2019 Share Posted March 15, 2019 Never use someone to get over someone . That it is incredibly unkind to do. Agreed. That's just nasty. Sort yourself out first (therapy/counselling) so as to get to a mentally healthier place before launching into finding new girlfriends. Link to comment
Nickel Speed Posted March 15, 2019 Author Share Posted March 15, 2019 A random hookup in a bar on St. Patty's day weekend who's not in it for a relationship. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted March 15, 2019 Share Posted March 15, 2019 You will compare her to your ex and feel awful and guilty because you'll feel like you're cheating even though you wouldn't be. Link to comment
Carus Posted March 16, 2019 Share Posted March 16, 2019 Yeh, sorry to say Nickel but a rebound won't help either. In fact in some ways it can make it worse. What if she breaks up with you? This will compound the rejection you're already feeling.... What if you continue seeing her but she's not your ex or not right for you? You'll then have a whole heap of other problems to deal with. What if she's really great but your hearts not in it then you'll have to figure out how you're going to break up with her. Sorry bud, the only way through the fire is straight through it and letting time work its magic. I know it's painful and sux hard but just put one foot in front of the other and keep marching on. I know where you're at so just be patient. There's no rush. There's no rule book on how long it 'should' take...Just endure for now and save yourself for better days ahead. Hang in there Nickel. You're doin' ok* Carus* Link to comment
Nickel Speed Posted March 16, 2019 Author Share Posted March 16, 2019 3 a.m. and can't sleep. Ex is coming to do her laundry tomorrow. I'm thinking about not being here. May go hide in the garage. May go ride, but I'd also like to see my daughter. I don't know. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 16, 2019 Share Posted March 16, 2019 Can you take your daughter somewhere while your ex is doing laundry? Can you pay for her to have her laundry done somewhere else? I'm a big fan of "throw money at the problem" if you possibly can. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted March 16, 2019 Share Posted March 16, 2019 Very confusing. It may be best to sever ties formally and develop a strict and court ordered child custody/visitation schedule. Less confusing for everyone. You wouldn't be up at 3 am wringing your hands pondering what to do if things were clear cut and prearranged. This ad hoc thing is going to make this divorce much more difficult because it keeps things in a state of nebulous chaos.3 a.m. and can't sleep. Ex is coming to do her laundry tomorrow. I'm thinking about not being here. May go hide in the garage. May go ride, but I'd also like to see my daughter. I don't know. Link to comment
figureitout23 Posted March 16, 2019 Share Posted March 16, 2019 3 a.m. and can't sleep. Ex is coming to do her laundry tomorrow. I'm thinking about not being here. May go hide in the garage. May go ride, but I'd also like to see my daughter. I don't know. Oh no, no, no, no, no, this is worse than play dates. Nickel you are being used. Mother of your child or not right now you are in survival mode. She chose to end the relationship, it is not only her responsibility but her only option to find somewhere else to do her laundry. Set up visitation, set up child support, cut the cord. I realize reconciliation isn’t your goal but she is using you as a safety net to such a high level I can almost guarantee cutting ties would have her running back. She needs to know you’re there, that’s why she’s able to do all this while pushing you away, she’s getting her ego stroked at the expense of you, not 100% blaming her because apparently you weren’t the best at supporting her, but this isn’t how you solve problems. She’s making you pay for your sins by pressing the nuclear button. At this point I’m not even convinced she truly wants to break up. Just seems like a super unhealthy dynamic... To bounce off your title, both have demons to face. Link to comment
Nickel Speed Posted March 16, 2019 Author Share Posted March 16, 2019 She'd go somewhere else if I asked. She said it's easier since she's washing and replacing our daughters new clothes and getting rid of the old ones. Link to comment
Nickel Speed Posted March 16, 2019 Author Share Posted March 16, 2019 Very confusing. It may be best to sever ties formally and develop a strict and court ordered child custody/visitation schedule. Less confusing for everyone. You wouldn't be up at 3 am wringing your hands pondering what to do if things were clear cut and prearranged. This ad hoc thing is going to make this divorce much more difficult because it keeps things in a state of nebulous chaos. I don't think the fact she was coming was why I was up at 3. I was up at 3 because I can't sleep much anymore. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 16, 2019 Share Posted March 16, 2019 Ask her to drop off your daughter and go somewhere else to wash her clothes . Link to comment
Nickel Speed Posted March 16, 2019 Author Share Posted March 16, 2019 Oh no, no, no, no, no, this is worse than play dates. Nickel you are being used. Mother of your child or not right now you are in survival mode. She chose to end the relationship, it is not only her responsibility but her only option to find somewhere else to do her laundry. Set up visitation, set up child support, cut the cord. I realize reconciliation isn’t your goal but she is using you as a safety net to such a high level I can almost guarantee cutting ties would have her running back. She needs to know you’re there, that’s why she’s able to do all this while pushing you away, she’s getting her ego stroked at the expense of you, not 100% blaming her because apparently you weren’t the best at supporting her, but this isn’t how you solve problems. She’s making you pay for your sins by pressing the nuclear button. At this point I’m not even convinced she truly wants to break up. Just seems like a super unhealthy dynamic... To bounce off your title, both have demons to face. We don't want child support either way. We are doing 50 50 custody already. I tried my best to support. I wish it would cause her to come running back. I would love to reconcile. Link to comment
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