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Hi all,

 

Thanks for having me. I'm not sure what I am here looking for. I may need advice. I may need therapy. I may just need to vent. Either way, prepare for a long read.

 

I'm 29, she's 25. We have been married a year and a half and have a 3 year old girl together. We've known each other 10 years and dated many of those. She is the only woman I have ever been truly in a committed relationship with.

 

In December, before the holidays I was about to make love to my wife. Then she told me she wasn't interested. I pressed her for more information and why. Then she told me she wasn't happy and had not been for a long time. I had a bit of a panic attack. She told me she wasn't leaving me and that she wanted to work on things. I went into action mode and did every single thing I could from that point forward.

 

We of course talked about why she wasn't happy. The main things she was not happy about were:

1. I complained about her not picking up after herself a lot. I'm slightly OCD about cleaning. Now, I wish I hadn't of. I spent a lot of time complaining and being passive aggressive about this for months. I tried everything I could to get her to do her part. I deeply regret it.

2. I teased her about things. For example, she told me she got a 94 on her test in college. I jokingly responded,"Oh.. not a 100?" Followed by just joking. I did stuff like this quite frequently, but it never occurred to me I was hurting her feelings.

3. She told me these things bothered her several times, but I didn't realize how serious they were to her. She said therefore, I was not listening to her so I must not love her. By December when she hit me with the news of her being truly unhappy, I took immediate action and changed my bad habits.

4. She has always been secretive about her phone, but toward the end it got worse. My jealousy got the best of me and I thought she was texting another guy. I snooped on her phone and she caught me. She was mad to no end.

 

 

She spend all December giving me the cold shoulder and the silent treatment. She said she wanted change, I gave her change. I was desperately needy and looking for validation that she was happy with the effort I was putting in. I was deeply panicked and depressed through it all. She had started dressing better, taking care of herself, etc.

 

After the Holidays on Jan. 10th, she told me that she still wasn't happy and that I would be happier with someone else. I agreed that I would do anything if it meant she was happy, including giving her a divorce. I was in a deep depression and tried to end my life, but my car in the garage wouldn't start when I tried. I cried for so long, but I got over it. Two weeks later she told me she had got an apartment. At the beginning of February, she moved into the apartment. Then she told me she still wanted to work on things and stay the night sometimes. We agreed to still date. She said she wanted to be sure she wasn't just "settling" with me. I guess I am not good enough for her.

 

She became distant on nights that I had our child. One night, I decided to wait outside her apartment, she never came home. A few days later I confronted her about it. She admitted she had been cheating on me for at least a month, but said it wasn't serious and they were just friends.

 

After all this, I want to be mad at her, but I just can't. I thought things were getting better again, but they really aren't. I don't know how to cope. I don't know what to do. I've tried moving on, but I am failing hard.

 

She has moved on with her new "friend" and seems perfectly happy in life. It's as if everything we had together meant nothing at all. Right now she is on vacation in FL. The next week she will be on vacation in SC.

I just want her back.

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Sorry to hear this. You need to file for divorce and work out a court ordered child custody/visitation and support agreement. Right now you are condoning the cheating by doing nothing.

I'm 29, she's 25. We have been married a year and a half and have a 3 year old girl together.

Then she told me she wasn't happy and had not been for a long time.

At the beginning of February, she moved into the apartment.

She admitted she had been cheating on me for at least a month

She has moved on with her new "friend" and seems perfectly happy in life. .

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I've filled out a bit of the paperwork from my friend who is a lawyer. She's paying for half, but doesn't have the money right now with all her vacations. It should be filed and signed in a couple weeks.

 

We've already been following the plan we want to do as far as custody successfully. I don't anticipate any problems as far as the divorce itself goes.

 

My main issue is my sanity and how to cope with the situation. I work out. I've been losing some weight because of loss of appetite. I hang out with friends. Everywhere I go, I don't want to be there. Everything I do, I don't want to be doing. I'm exhausted but can't sleep. Etc.

 

I'm still obsessed over her and how I failed. She is equally to blame. She doesn't seem to care at all. I've read everything I can about coping. I've tried everything to move on, but am struggling.

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*sigh* ~ I'm never getting into another relationship ever again! I gotta stop hanging out here ;-)

 

But seriously:

 

Firstly, I tried ending it all several times last year. It's not as easy as Hollywood would have you believe....So I understand....I'm so glad your car didn't start. Your daughter is going to need you once you get through this....and you will*

My main issue is my sanity and how to cope with the situation. I work out. I've been losing some weight because of loss of appetite. I hang out with friends. Everywhere I go, I don't want to be there. Everything I do, I don't want to be doing. I'm exhausted but can't sleep. Etc.

 

I'm still obsessed over her and how I failed. She is equally to blame. She doesn't seem to care at all. I've read everything I can about coping. I've tried everything to move on, but am struggling.

Of course you're struggling....We all do when our life implodes like this....

 

The things you are doing are good. Keep doing them...But yes they are physical, external stuff...you will also need to do some things to help your mindset.

 

You are still so close to the fire....It's going to take some time so be patient and kind to yourself ok.....Eat and sleep the best you can. Go for walks. Stay off the alcohol...

 

I lost it all too man and got replaced. I'm 17 months out and only just starting to see straight....so take your time ok....

 

In the meantime, here are some videos to check out:

 

Teal Swan has been a God send to me ~

and https://youtu.be/lXi7vcnvl5c

 

Also some videos on this channel ~ https://www.youtube.com/user/CameroneProductions/videos?view_as=subscriber

 

And this website ~ http://breakuprecoveryguide.com/

 

Stay Strong Brother* ~ You never know how strong you can be until being strong becomes your only option*

 

Hope this helps.

Carus*

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I can't imagine being in this place another 17 months. Thanks for the support.

You won't be....Perhaps I need to expand, I'm not 100% yet but I'm a lot better than I was yeh? Like I said, you are only just stepping into the fire. I just used myself as an example that it will take time and that I know exactly what you're going through.....There is no rule book on how long it takes to heal so try not to put a time frame on it....Just take care of today, day by day*

I haven't even had interest in alcohol.

Good...!

I've not had interest in anything.

Of course. You are wounded and need to take care of that wound....If you broke your leg would you be running around kicking a football...?

 

Check those links I posted....For right now, just breathe*

 

Carus*

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Have you sought counseling?

 

I haven't, and I likely won't. I considered it, and I'm just not comfortable going to counseling. I personally do not believe I would find peace by paying a stranger or strangers to talk with me. I do understand the appeal however.

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I haven't, and I likely won't. I considered it, and I'm just not comfortable going to counseling. I personally do not believe I would find peace by paying a stranger or strangers to talk with me. I do understand the appeal however.

 

...Oh...so you'd rather continue to your toxic, emotionally abusive ways because that's clearly working out so well for you. You do understand that your wife left you because passive aggressive comments are abusive, because out of control OCD makes you a total nightmare as a partner, not to mention your self righteous attitude of "making her", you DON'T make an adult do anything, your emotional distance and sarcasm and refusal to recognize achievement.... Dude you have issues you NEED to fix. It won't save your marriage, but I hope it saves your daughter from your sh$t and helps your future relationships. Your child doesn't need a daddy who acts like a mean a ahole, who will make snide remarks when she seeks approval. If you won't do it for yourself, care enough about your child to get off your high horse and get help. Truly smh....

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...Oh...so you'd rather continue to your toxic, emotionally abusive ways because that's clearly working out so well for you. You do understand that your wife left you because passive aggressive comments are abusive, because out of control OCD makes you a total nightmare as a partner, not to mention your self righteous attitude of "making her", you DON'T make an adult do anything, your emotional distance and sarcasm and refusal to recognize achievement.... Dude you have issues you NEED to fix. It won't save your marriage, but I hope it saves your daughter from your sh$t and helps your future relationships. Your child doesn't need a daddy who acts like a mean a ahole, who will make snide remarks when she seeks approval. If you won't do it for yourself, care enough about your child to get off your high horse and get help. Truly smh....

 

 

I do realize the mistakes I made. I reflected on them deeply. They were bad habits and I put my full faith and effort in breaking them. Even my ex acknowledges this. My way of coping with stressful situations was making jokes. It was a habit. I now choose to face them.

 

I would not say my OCD is out of control. I had very basic desires. I have never requested a spotless home and I did much more work in maintaining it. My mistake was wishing she cared about it as much as I did. I'd say I've learned my lesson at this point.

 

My refusal to recognize achievement? I was literally teasing her about a letter grade. Of course a 94 is great. In hindsight, it was indeed too a mistake. I've always supported her. I helped her get out of debt. I helped her get a much high paying job. I supported her every step of the way and increased my household duties when she wanted to go back to school. There is nothing I wouldn't have done for that woman.

 

Who said I was emotionally distant? I'm confused by your rant. Just because I don't believe I want therapy?

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I haven't, and I likely won't. I considered it, and I'm just not comfortable going to counseling. I personally do not believe I would find peace by paying a stranger or strangers to talk with me. I do understand the appeal however.

Well, what you are doing is clearly not working. What are you afraid of?

 

You need tools to process this, most especially for your child. She should be your main concern at this point.

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I do realize the mistakes I made. I reflected on them deeply. They were bad habits and I put my full faith and effort in breaking them. Even my ex acknowledges this. My way of coping with stressful situations was making jokes. It was a habit. I now choose to face them.

 

I would not say my OCD is out of control. I had very basic desires. I have never requested a spotless home and I did much more work in maintaining it. My mistake was wishing she cared about it as much as I did. I'd say I've learned my lesson at this point.

 

My refusal to recognize achievement? I was literally teasing her about a letter grade. Of course a 94 is great. In hindsight, it was indeed too a mistake. I've always supported her. I helped her get out of debt. I helped her get a much high paying job. I supported her every step of the way and increased my household duties when she wanted to go back to school. There is nothing I wouldn't have done for that woman.

 

Who said I was emotionally distant? I'm confused by your rant. Just because I don't believe in therapy?

 

No, my rant is basically an attempt to toss a cold bucket of wake you up. You are still totally in denial about how serious your behavioral issues are. You still see it as harmless joking, but it just isn't and you are reaping the consequences of that. These aren't just bad habits or mistakes, it's how your mind is wired at the moment and it takes a whole lot more to rewire your thinking than just feeling sorry about the bad consequences. It's kind of like you have learned a bad way to serve in tennis. If you don't go to a coach and spend hours breaking the bad habits and retraining how to swing and serve correctly, you'll just go back to what feels comfortable. Passive aggressive behavior is more deeply rooted and way more damaging to you and anyone having to deal with you than you realize.

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...oh...so you'd rather continue to your toxic, emotionally abusive ways because that's clearly working out so well for you. You do understand that your wife left you because passive aggressive comments are abusive, because out of control ocd makes you a total nightmare as a partner, not to mention your self righteous attitude of "making her", you don't make an adult do anything, your emotional distance and sarcasm and refusal to recognize achievement.... Dude you have issues you need to fix. It won't save your marriage, but i hope it saves your daughter from your sh$t and helps your future relationships. Your child doesn't need a daddy who acts like a mean a ahole, who will make snide remarks when she seeks approval. If you won't do it for yourself, care enough about your child to get off your high horse and get help. Truly smh....

 

agree^^^^^^

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I do realize the mistakes I made. I reflected on them deeply. They were bad habits and I put my full faith and effort in breaking them. Even my ex acknowledges this. My way of coping with stressful situations was making jokes. It was a habit. I now choose to face them.

 

I would not say my OCD is out of control. I had very basic desires. I have never requested a spotless home and I did much more work in maintaining it. My mistake was wishing she cared about it as much as I did. I'd say I've learned my lesson at this point.

 

My refusal to recognize achievement? I was literally teasing her about a letter grade. Of course a 94 is great. In hindsight, it was indeed too a mistake. I've always supported her. I helped her get out of debt. I helped her get a much high paying job. I supported her every step of the way and increased my household duties when she wanted to go back to school. There is nothing I wouldn't have done for that woman.

 

Who said I was emotionally distant? I'm confused by your rant. Just because I don't believe I want therapy?

 

You repeatedly showed her that she was not good enough. You need to delve into the reason why you like people to feel less than. Damn! 94 is great!

 

, Sadly in your thread, there is little mention of your child. This is concerning.

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Well, what you are doing is clearly not working. What are you afraid of?

 

You need tools to process this, most especially for your child. She should be your main concern at this point.

 

My child is our main concern. My wife and I take our child out together to do something once a week still. She gets to video chat with each of us every night and sees us whenever she wants.

She has shown no signs of stress after the initial week of moving out.

 

I don't mean to brag, but I am the best father I know how to be. That little girl will get anything she ever needs.

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My child is our main concern. My wife and I take our child out together to do something once a week still. She gets to video chat with each of us every night and sees us whenever she wants.

She has shown no signs of stress after the initial week of moving out.

 

I don't mean to brag, but I am the best father I know how to be. That little girl will get anything she ever needs.

 

Except, you will not address your issues with a professional. This would also be in the best interest of your daughter.

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Adding to the discussion - I had a question -why didn't you get married until your daughter was 1.5 years old? We actually didn't get married until I was in my third trimester so I'm certainly not judging choosing not to be married before trying for/having a baby but I'm wondering if the reasons had to do with relationship difficulties. In our case, it did not in the least.

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No, my rant is basically an attempt to toss a cold bucket of wake you up. You are still totally in denial about how serious your behavioral issues are. You still see it as harmless joking, but it just isn't and you are reaping the consequences of that. These aren't just bad habits or mistakes, it's how your mind is wired at the moment and it takes a whole lot more to rewire your thinking than just feeling sorry about the bad consequences. It's kind of like you have learned a bad way to serve in tennis. If you don't go to a coach and spend hours breaking the bad habits and retraining how to swing and serve correctly, you'll just go back to what feels comfortable. Passive aggressive behavior is more deeply rooted and way more damaging to you and anyone having to deal with you than you realize.

 

I don't see it as harmless now. I see the damage I've done. I reflected and truly know how I made her feel. I wish with everything I could take away the pain I caused.

 

I've suffered greatly because of it. I accepted the consequences my actions, worked on my habits. I can't undo what I did. I can only make sure not to repeat my mistakes.

 

To say getting through it was an easy process would be a lie. I know I've changed as a person since then.

I was unhappy where I was in life and coped in a bad way.

 

 

That being said, I should have never married her. When we first started dating, after a couple months she left me for her ex. She had been texting him behind my back and cheated on me the night before she broke up with me.

Her reasoning was that she missed his child that she helped raise.

 

I was stupid for believing she had changed as a person and taking her back. She just ran to yet another relationship when things got hard. I don't know that I ever truly recovered my trust of her the first time.

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Adding to the discussion - I had a question -why didn't you get married until your daughter was 1.5 years old? We actually didn't get married until I was in my third trimester so I'm certainly not judging choosing not to be married before trying for/having a baby but I'm wondering if the reasons had to do with relationship difficulties. In our case, it did not in the least.

 

We did not want to get married just because of the fact we were having a child together. We wanted it to be on our own terms, and because we loved each other.

 

She expressed concerns about not wanting to get married while pregnant as well. Eventually I proposed, and then we waited a year so my wife could have the Fall country wedding she always wanted.

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After I made the joke, I told her how great she did. I shouldn't have made the joke in the first place.

 

I honestly was just trying to tease her. I know you won't understand.

 

Why not just congratulate. I'm certain this was a pattern.

 

In your opening, you mentioned that you "may need therapy," yet when we brought it up, you clearly stated that you were a different person and learned from the experience? Hmmm.

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Why not just congratulate. I'm certain this was a pattern.

 

In your opening, you mentioned that you "may need therapy," yet when we brought it up, you clearly stated that you were a different person and learned from the experience? Hmmm.

 

I was trying to flirt with her. Like I said, you would not understand. Sometimes, guys like to pick at the ones they love. She used to enjoy it. Then something changed or I took it too far.

 

I may need therapy for my deep depression and suicidal thoughts.

 

I don't think I need therapy to reflect on my mistakes in the relationship. It wont happen in a future relationship. I know what I did. I am fully suffering from the consequences of my own actions.

 

I do know that you are holding onto this part of my story very tightly, and it wasn't the focus of the story. I sense some personal issues with an ex in you.

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Those "mistakes" in your relationship are deep-rooted. I don't understand why you are so resistant to addressing this?

 

Now you are deflecting. I am simply trying to get you to address your issues professionally., being passive aggressive, is not something that is overcome easily, nor is making inappropriate digs and control..

 

When I was done with my ex, I was done. He was not going to change, and I accepted it.

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We did not want to get married just because of the fact we were having a child together. We wanted it to be on our own terms, and because we loved each other.

 

She expressed concerns about not wanting to get married while pregnant as well. Eventually I proposed, and then we waited a year so my wife could have the Fall country wedding she always wanted.

 

OK I see and that gives me a lot of insight. She was more interested in the party than the wedding (the wedding ceremony I mean, the vows) and neither of you valued the marital commitment much -you don't have to of course but then it's not surprising she'd throw in the towel and dissolve your vows seemingly "easily". I had zero concerns about getting married while pregnant. I was overjoyed to get married and loved our wedding so much (magical day with 10 guests at my inlaws' home). Of course she's also throwing in the towel on the relationship but neither of you was really into the marital commitment - despite her interest in a specific type of wedding reception.

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Those "mistakes" in your relationship are deep-rooted. I don't understand why you are so resistant to addressing this?

 

Now you are deflecting. I am simply trying to get you to address your issues professionally., being passive aggressive, is not something that is overcome easily, nor is making inappropriate digs and control..

 

When I was done with my ex, I was done. He was not going to change, and I accepted it.

 

I was correct.

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