Dancing With Demons

[Tomthumb88]

Oh I'm so sorry but it sounds like she has fallen out of love with you..........and unlike the movies, it does not come back. You get one chance per person.

 

But it's okay you will find another someday.

 

Fallen out of love with him? One chance per person?

She was pretty clearly cheating on him the whole time. If not she always had one foot out the door and was open to better options which is almost as bad. Hence worrying about “settling”. His real error was thinking this person “loved” him in the first place.

[Nickel Speed]

So a guy posts about his marriage disintegrating and mentions attempting to end his own life and some you decide to beat him down and make sure all the blame is on him. Great advice and very helpful at the moment I’m sure.

 

Yeah, that's how I kind of felt about it too.

 

 

Wife didn’t want to marry, secretive with the phone, cheated on him at least once,kept him on the back burner while she tested new guys.. and you blame him.

Stop interacting with her as much as possible, conversations only about the child and logistics. don’t spend time with her at all, it’s not helping the child and it’s just feeding your ex as you remain a plan B. Pick up a book called “the rational male” and you’ll start understanding the truth behind the smokescreen. It’s a hard pill to swallow but it’s worth it.

 

I don't believe she never wanted to marry me. She at the very least thought she did. She used to treat me very well, and things were great then.

[Nickel Speed]

Fallen out of love with him? One chance per person?

She was pretty clearly cheating on him the whole time. If not she always had one foot out the door and was open to better options which is almost as bad. Hence worrying about “settling”. His real error was thinking this person “loved” him in the first place.

 

This may very well be believable with where I stand now. One foot always out the door.

 

The problem is, why do I still want someone like this so badly?

[Tomthumb88]

Send me a pm...

[Nickel Speed]

Send me a pm...

 

I am unable to send a message. "My account has insufficient priveleges."

 

It may have to do with the fact that I had to create a second account to even post. I got a generic message warning about this, but my first account was never activated and I never got an activation email.

 

This account is activated, but can not pm.

[Nickel Speed]

 

Just sent.

[figureitout23]

I hope you get the support you need nickel.

 

While I agree with thumb about many points he made, I don’t think villainizing your ex will help you with healing.

 

I’m sorry all this happened, I can be pretty sarcastic too, so I get not always recognizing if it’s hurtful to others or not, I have other reasons for that too. I’ve gone over the reasons before on the board don’t reallh want to get into them

Now, but I get it.

 

One day at a time, allow yourself to be hurt, try to get a bit of distance. No more facetiming each other. No more play dates, she gets to have you there as a safety net while she sees what else is out there. No sir! You are better than that.

 

Cut her off. Be there for your daughter and that’s it, No need to torture yourself

[Nickel Speed]

I hope you get the support you need nickel.

 

While I agree with thumb about many points he made, I don’t think villainizing your ex will help you with healing.

 

I’m sorry all this happened, I can be pretty sarcastic too, so I get not always recognizing if it’s hurtful to others or not, I have other reasons for that too. I’ve gone over the reasons before on the board don’t reallh want to get into them

Now, but I get it.

 

One day at a time, allow yourself to be hurt, try to get a bit of distance. No more facetiming each other. No more play dates, she gets to have you there as a safety net while she sees what else is out there. No sir! You are better than that.

 

Cut her off. Be there for your daughter and that’s it, No need to torture yourself

 

I'm trying to get my distance. Her being out of town has helped. We facetime our child, not so much each other. I'm going to avoid the play dates and see if that helps too.

[Seraphim]

I think the play dates just confuse your child and makes them think you will get back together.

[Nickel Speed]

I think the play dates just confuse your child and makes them think you will get back together.

 

She's about to be 3. I'm not so sure she has any concept of the idea we are even apart.

[Seraphim]

She's about to be 3. I'm not so sure she has any concept of the idea we are even apart.

She knows she doesn’t live with you. I had divorced parents. My parents broke up when I was 1 and then they had to leave me behind when they moved the west coast when I was 4. I was left with my mom’s parents for a few months. My parents finally divorced when I was 6. My mom remarried when I was 7. They divorced when I was 11. She got back together with my dad when I was 14. And they broke up 10 more times between my being 14 and 24 . Then they parted for good.

 

I raised my own child to adulthood and own my own daycare . Kids realize far more than you know. It is guilt that makes us want to believe they don’t.

[Nickel Speed]

She knows she doesn’t live with you. I had divorced parents. My parents broke up when I was 1 and then they had to leave me behind when they moved the west coast when I was 4. I was left with my mom’s parents for a few months. My parents finally divorced when I was 6. My mom remarried when I was 7. They divorced when I was 11. She got back together with my dad when I was 14. And they broke up 10 more times between my being 14 and 24 . Then they parted for good.

 

I raised my own child to adulthood and own my own daycare . Kids realize far more than you know. It is guilt that makes us want to believe they don’t.

 

 

I feel no guilt because the separation was not my choice. She knows we don't live together, but things are carrying on as normal. She sleeps fine, no acting out or anything to be noted. Currently she is alternating between her mom and I: 2 days, 2 days, 3 days.

 

We let her facetime the other parent any time she wants and typically sees each of us every day except for now with her mother out of town.

 

I also had divorced parents.

[Seraphim]

Just don’t lull yourself into thinking she knows nothing because it’s not true.

[figureitout23]

Just don’t lull yourself into thinking she knows nothing because it’s not true.

 

Sera, I disagree very much, at 3 they're barely mastering language, they don't have concepts of divorce yet.

 

Seeing them fight or argue, absolutely, but together...thats a stretch...The harm of the playdates is to HIM not the child.

 

In fact many successful co parents DO present a united front and attend events together, so why you're saying all this is confusing, I don't know maybe I'm defensive because i co parent, I just disagree very much that a 3 year old will be damaged by seeing them together. There's no way to avoid that they're separating. I think a smooth transition is best, so I completely agree with you there, and he agrees he needs to stop the playdates, but what are you attempting to say? whats the alternative to being peaceful? they exchange her at the police station? I guess I just dont see what argument youre attempting to make.

[Seraphim]

They don’t understand what divorce is but because a child doesn’t have the linguistic skills doesn’t mean they don’t understand concepts or what is spoken to them. Babies understand all kinds of words they don’t speak themselves yet. I spoke 2 languages and in full sentences by 3. I have a 3 year old who turned 3 in Feb in my daycare who has an outstanding command of language and concepts. You would think she was 10 but for her size.

 

At 4 I understood my dad was batshyte crazy.

[Seraphim]

Of course I am not saying they should not be peaceful or exchange at the police station that’s ridiculous and unnecessary to say. What I am saying is don’t give a kid false hope.

[Nickel Speed]

We aren't trying to give our kid any false hope. We just want her to have what we were never able to have. My parents hated each other, so did hers. I had to deliver messages between them my whole childhood and watch them badmouth the other parent, etc. I was always in the middle. My wife described her childhood the same.

 

At the same time, I want my daughter to remember both of her parents and how they were together. It's tough, because I had no idea my wife was not happy. We got along so well most of the time. We practically never argued. I guess that's why I am still in shell-shock and trying to process it all.

[Seraphim]

We aren't trying to give our kid any false hope. We just want her to have what we were never able to have. My parents hated each other, so did hers. I had to deliver messages between them my whole childhood and watch them badmouth the other parent, etc. I was always in the middle. My wife described her childhood the same.

 

At the same time, I want my daughter to remember both of her parents and how they were together. It's tough, because I had no idea my wife was not happy. We got along so well most of the time. We practically never argued. I guess that's why I am still in shell-shock and trying to process it all.

I totally get what you mean. My parents were stuck in a domestic abuse nightmare.

[Carus]

They don’t understand what divorce is but because a child doesn’t have the linguistic skills doesn’t mean they don’t understand concepts or what is spoken to them.

There is also Body Memory....Even at a very young age any types of abuse, trauma or abandonment gets stored in there....These wounds are deep and can certainly get triggered way later in life....

 

Body Memory starts a lot earlier than full hippocampus which is still under developed in this stage of life*

 

Carus*

[Seraphim]

There is also Body Memory....Even at a very young age any types of abuse, trauma or abandonment gets stored in there....These wounds are deep and can certainly get triggered way later in life....

 

Body Memory starts a lot earlier than full hippocampus which is still under developed in this stage of life*

 

Carus*

 

Absolutely. They talked to me about body memory and cell memory in therapy since my first trauma was at a year old. Even my EMDR therapist said the body remembers and stores trauma and unless you unload it , it will destroy your body. Which is definitely true of me. It has greatly exacerbated my genetic diseases.

[Nickel Speed]

Our daughter seems fine and I will do my best to be there for her no matter what happens. It's all I can do.

 

On another note, I'm 99% sure I'm going to die alone. I wasn't very good at dating women in the past as I was picky. I had lots of hookups, but this was my only steady relationship. Things look to be even worse now without lowering my standards further than I am comfortable doing.

[Batya33]

I would never ever lower standards. I would become the right person to find the right person. Becoming might involve reevaluating the importance of certain of your standards and being a person who doesn't find drama/baggage intriguing or exciting for example. Having a lot of hookups might say a lot more about your fear of risk taking rather than being picky about who you get close to -hookups are easy emotionally and require no commitment and you never have to fear "settling" or things getting routine or boring because you're always on to the next.

[Nickel Speed]

I would never ever lower standards. I would become the right person to find the right person. Becoming might involve reevaluating the importance of certain of your standards and being a person who doesn't find drama/baggage intriguing or exciting for example. Having a lot of hookups might say a lot more about your fear of risk taking rather than being picky about who you get close to -hookups are easy emotionally and require no commitment and you never have to fear "settling" or things getting routine or boring because you're always on to the next.

 

I do fear taking risks with random people. It took me forever to find one I was willing to take the risk for, and we see how that had turned out.

 

I only fear it will be even worse this time around due to the decreased dating pool and what has happened with the one I trusted.

[itsallgrand]

I'm so sorry this happened.

 

How is your support network for YOU? Do you have people you can count on to be there for you for when you need support and for getting some joy in your days too?

 

I heard you say you are stubborn and persistent . That describes my personality as well. That more than anything is why I wanted to jump in here to offer another ear and tips if I can in a direction so you can get through this as smoothly as possible.

 

Have you seen a doctor ? Do you have someone you are regularly checking in with regarding your physical and mental health during this rough time?

[Nickel Speed]

I'm so sorry this happened.

 

How is your support network for YOU? Do you have people you can count on to be there for you for when you need support and for getting some joy in your days too?

 

I heard you say you are stubborn and persistent . That describes my personality as well. That more than anything is why I wanted to jump in here to offer another ear and tips if I can in a direction so you can get through this as smoothly as possible.

 

Have you seen a doctor ? Do you have someone you are regularly checking in with regarding your physical and mental health during this rough time?

 

I have a couple friends, but they live pretty busy lives themselves so I rarely see them. One is military and out of reach usually. Another is a business owner working 70 hours a week. The last is a closer friend I see more often, but is a functional alcoholic ever since his wife left him 5 years ago, and is coping way worse than me.

 

I have parents, but neither I can really depend on for advice. They are willing, but unable. Their own relationships are quite terrible. My dad is on his 3rd marriage (this time to a junkie) My mom never recovered from the divorce with my dad and still desperately wants my dad back after 20+ years.

 

I've not seen a doctor. I tend to only go to doctors if I've broken something. I'm about to have surgery on my foot due to a chipped bone. The last time I went to a doctor before then was 4 years ago when I broke 3 vertebrae in a motorcycle accident. Even then, it took me 2 days before I went.

 

Ever since this has happened, I've only been taking care of my daughter/ taking her places, lifting weights, and playing video games. I've not had motivation to do much else. I did go shoot some pool one night, but that is all. I've also been redecorating the house a bit and packing up all the junk my wife left.