Dancing With Demons

[Batya33]

In order to take care of your daughter you must take care of yourself - you owe it to her. I had to learn that and relearn that, myself. Please go to a doctor and keep up with whatever procedures you need/analysis/bloodwork. It's the "put on your oxygen mask first" category.

[boltnrun]

My counselor told me "you can't be any good to your kids unless you are healthy and well". Even if I thought I was hiding it well.

[Nickel Speed]

I just got an estimate for surgery to remove a splinter that went deep in my foot.

This will be $6,987 out of pocket after insurance.

 

I'm not sure I can afford that to walk comfortable again, much less any other doctor's visits.

[itsallgrand]

How stressful! I'm Canadian, so I don't always take into account how expensive medical care can be across the border. You are American ?

 

You have a lot on your shoulders. It's good you've been exercising. And that you have some people in your life you trust and can count on, even if you do not see them often.

Strengthening that support system , eating well, taking care of your health, exercising - all these are good and inexpensive ways to help yourself. mindfulness in the form of meditation, time with nature, or practising your own form of spirituality can help too.

 

Maybe you can get some help financially ? Is this an option?

 

I've been there done that with trying to grind through and neglecting my body and health in the process. I super hope you will get that surgery and take time to recover. You and your daughter are important!

[Nickel Speed]

How stressful! I'm Canadian, so I don't always take into account how expensive medical care can be across the border. You are American ?

 

You have a lot on your shoulders. It's good you've been exercising. And that you have some people in your life you trust and can count on, even if you do not see them often.

Strengthening that support system , eating well, taking care of your health, exercising - all these are good and inexpensive ways to help yourself. mindfulness in the form of meditation, time with nature, or practising your own form of spirituality can help too.

 

Maybe you can get some help financially ? Is this an option?

 

I've been there done that with trying to grind through and neglecting my body and health in the process. I super hope you will get that surgery and take time to recover. You and your daughter are important!

 

 

Yes, I'm American. I make too much money to get financial help for an optional surgery, even though it is causing me pain. My deductible is $1,800 and then insurance only covers 70% after that. My salary is only $41,000.

 

All this is because a piece of wood went into my foot jumping into a swimming pool last summer.

[boltnrun]

That makes me even more grateful for the excellent medical insurance coverage provided by my employer. I've never had to pay more than $150 for anything.

 

I hope it works out for you somehow.

[Nickel Speed]

My insurance is through the state. I'm a government employee, so it's typically considered good insurance, but they don't cover much for an outpatient surgery.

I have to pay the $1,800 deductible and then %30 of additional costs.

[figureitout23]

There is also Body Memory....Even at a very young age any types of abuse, trauma or abandonment gets stored in there....These wounds are deep and can certainly get triggered way later in life....

 

Body Memory starts a lot earlier than full hippocampus which is still under developed in this stage of life*

 

Carus*

 

Absolutely. They talked to me about body memory and cell memory in therapy since my first trauma was at a year old. Even my EMDR therapist said the body remembers and stores trauma and unless you unload it , it will destroy your body. Which is definitely true of me. It has greatly exacerbated my genetic diseases.

 

I hear the both of you, I swear I do, but whos being abused?

 

Theyre having a play date... they aren't at chuck e cheese throwing punches. Thats why I mention the police station, if they're successful at co-parenting they will spend time together.

 

Its harmful, no doubt, but I guess I just dont see how its harmful to the child... I fully admit I may have missed a part of his story, just seems like nit picking, thats why I gave the extreme of the police exchange, it was to meet the extremes given, again they arent throwing punches, they arent arguing and bickering during these play dates, how is body language or words affecting anyone? To me, these examples are being pulled out of thin air.

 

Let me go back and reread, I must be missing something

[figureitout23]

My insurance is through the state. I'm a government employee, so it's typically considered good insurance, but they don't cover much for an outpatient surgery.

I have to pay the $1,800 deductible and then %30 of additional costs.

 

During open season, which depends on what branch of government you work for, look into a better plan.

 

Seriously, that is ridiculous, its illogical to sit in pain, how is an injury not covered? Craziness...FWIW, I needed an elective treatment a little while ago and it was going to cost about 1500, insurance covered a big chunk but it still was super expensive, the hospital put me in for a grant and I ended up only needing to pay a couple hundred, my income is more than yours so these arent only for low income individuals, it pays to asks around. Give it a try!

 

Last, we all have different opinions on your parenting choices, which is fine, I just want to reiterate, you and these playdates, to me, need to stop because they are harming you, I do not think you are doing anything to hurt your 3 year old. But right now you need space from her to heal and reestablish a platonic co parenting relationship, its not going to be easy and it will take a long time, its been 3 + years for me and I still stumble, but its worth it to work towards a stable unified parenting team, even separated its possible.

[Nickel Speed]

I picked the best plan that was offered insurance wise. I dunno what to do about the surgery. May sell my motorcycle.

 

I plan to try and stop the playdates if I can bring myself too.

 

I just don't know what to do. I still want her and miss her deeply, which sucks because I know that's what I should not be doing.

 

I don't know. I don't know how to go on.

[itsallgrand]

To feel lost at this time is perfectly normal. It's difficult, it sucks, but it's to be expected and it's ok. It's ok to miss her. It's ok to not have it all figured out.

One small step and then another. You'll get there.

[figureitout23]

One foot in front of the other, time and space.

[Nickel Speed]

One minute she texts me like all is normal and tells me about her day. Then she will randomly get angry and stop texting. Then she does it all again the next day.

Or if I ignore her texts, she will start texting me about our daughter so that I will answer her.

[Seraphim]

I would tell her you only want to hear from her if it is legitimately about your daughter, period. You’re not there to chitchat.

[Nickel Speed]

I want to, but I want to hear from her.

[Seraphim]

I want to, but I want to hear from her.

But is that good for you? You get caught in the merry go round and get continuously crushed.

[Nickel Speed]

But is that good for you? You get caught in the merry go round and get continuously crushed.

 

It probably isn't, but I feel crushed anyway.

[Nickel Speed]

Sooo many things I could and probably should be doing this weekend.

 

Thought about running away for the weekend. Riding my motorcycle to the ocean tonight, staying Saturday, and coming back Sunday. But then I think I would just be depressed the whole time.

 

Then I think I would just like to stay in front of the tv and play games all weekend to escape. This is what I've been doing and it helps me forget everything, but before I know it I am back to reality Sunday night and still suffering.

 

I've got a couple projects in the garage that aren't a necessity, but need done. I just have no motivation to be miserable and greasy.

 

I've tried scheduling a night out with friends for beers and wings on Saturday, but everyone is busy.

 

How do you cope?

[boltnrun]

So far, wallowing in your video games and ignoring chores and keeping yourself available to answer her texts isn't making anything any better.

 

So why not try something different? Why have you already decided the motorcycle trip would result in feeling "depressed"?

 

See my signature line.

[Nickel Speed]

So far, wallowing in your video games and ignoring chores and keeping yourself available to answer her texts isn't making anything any better.

 

So why not try something different? Why have you already decided the motorcycle trip would result in feeling "depressed"?

 

See my signature line.

 

I have been keeping up with chores, cooking, cleaning, etc. I still need to box up a lot of her stuff and take it to her apartment, including a couple more furniture items.

 

The stuff I have to do in the garage is just some stuff on my show car and maybe getting the mower ready for the spring.

 

 

It would be a long lonely ride. Then I would end up at the beach all by myself with nothing to do.

 

Only to return home Sunday and still be tired, lonely, and probably extremely sore. The last time I did such a trip surely wasn't relaxing. It was an idea to try to escape, but I'm afraid I would just be trapped with my own thoughts and no distraction.

[Nickel Speed]

Gaming does alloy me to forget everything for a while, plus I get to vent with my ex military friends who are usually on.

[boltnrun]

I have been keeping up with chores, cooking, cleaning, etc. I still need to box up a lot of her stuff and take it to her apartment, including a couple more furniture items.

 

The stuff I have to do in the garage is just some stuff on my show car and maybe getting the mower ready for the spring.

 

 

It would be a long lonely ride. Then I would end up at the beach all by myself with nothing to do.

 

Only to return home Sunday and still be tired, lonely, and probably extremely sore. The last time I did such a trip surely wasn't relaxing. It was an idea to try to escape, but I'm afraid I would just be trapped with my own thoughts and no distraction.

 

It sounds like you are determined to wallow.

 

Just realize that deciding ahead of time you're going to be depressed and "trapped" means you will be...depressed and trapped.

 

I personally hate feeling that way and would be doing SOMETHING different. But maybe you just want things to stay the way they are.

[Nickel Speed]

It sounds like you are determined to wallow.

 

Just realize that deciding ahead of time you're going to be depressed and "trapped" means you will be...depressed and trapped.

 

I personally hate feeling that way and would be doing SOMETHING different. But maybe you just want things to stay the way they are.

 

I'm just thinking back to my last trip. I was riding out to Vegas on a 2 week trip. Absolutely everything went wrong. Bike broke down catastrophically in 110 degrees somewhere in Arizona fields. I was miserable. Ended up returning home where I was thankful to be with my wife. Now? I don't know what enjoyment I would get out of the trip.

 

I just want to do something to feel better, but I don't know where to start. I could just go get beer and wings by myself. After a few beers I could try talking to people and socializing at the pool tables or something. I don't know.

[itsallgrand]

A lot of shoulds. I should do this, I should do that, can make you feel defeated and worse about yourself. How about try giving yourself credit for all you are doing?

And though it may seem cheesy at first, making a conscious effort to list what you are grateful for I find helps me a lot to pull myself out of negative momentum a.

 

When I'm really having a bad day, I go play with and pet animals. I swim. These things are always safe happy activities for me. What does it for you?

 

Having somewhere to go on a regular basis where there's community helps me too. Some people it's church, for me I'll drop in to the community center and jump into a program there or helping others. Sport works too.

.

Just throwing out tips I've learned in hard times. Try to be gentle on yourself.

[Nickel Speed]

Haven't had much desire for activities.

 

It'd be nice to socialize. I'm not religious. My friends are busy. The local community center is the hangout for the 60+ crowd of farmers.

 

I have friends, but I've always been a bit of a loner, at least until I met my wife. Now I still can't imagine a life without her.