Nickel Speed Posted March 21, 2019 Author Share Posted March 21, 2019 Can you explain why you agreed? Why would you tell her you would file? Im sorry if Im misinterpreting. I agreed because I told her I would do it if it would make her happy. Also, I know many of the lawyers around our area personally. She doesn't want to be with me. Said she's not sure she ever loved me but married me because we had a child together. Her saying this yesterday hurt me on a deep level. Just because I hope she comes back, won't stop the divorce? She would file if I dont. I don't really see what you are trying to say. Its only my opinion, I think your lawyer can only help you to the degree you are willing to be truthful with him/her. If you are omitting the infidelity, you could be giving her an advantage at your own expense. I'm not hiding the infidelity. My lawyer is my friend and knows what happened. But we are filing non contested. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 I'd at least tell the lawyer and listen to your options. Take your time, weigh them carefully. Don't allow her to set the pace and terms. Determine what's best with all available knowledge, in the driver's seat. Like I said,vibe not been through divorce. I've been through a situation where someone attempted to rush legal proceedings in their favour, using a time of loss and my disorientation to try to screw my family. In times of loss and high emotion, it's exhausting, it can be tempting to say screw it I just want this part to be over. I don't have energy to fight, to process all this. All I am saying is resist that. Resist falling back to trusting she has your best interests first. She's shown you she doesn't. If you won't stand up for yourself, no one will or even can. Choose wisely. Link to comment
Nickel Speed Posted March 21, 2019 Author Share Posted March 21, 2019 I'd at least tell the lawyer and listen to your options. Take your time, weigh them carefully. Don't allow her to set the pace and terms. Determine what's best with all available knowledge, in the driver's seat. Like I said,vibe not been through divorce. I've been through a situation where someone attempted to rush legal proceedings in their favour, using a time of loss and my disorientation to try to screw my family. In times of loss and high emotion, it's exhausting, it can be tempting to say screw it I just want this part to be over. I don't have energy to fight, to process all this. All I am saying is resist that. Resist falling back to trusting she has your best interests first. She's shown you she doesn't. If you won't stand up for yourself, no one will or even can. Choose wisely. This is one thing I get from filing first. I submit all of the paperwork that outlines the terms of the divorce, so no surprises. Plus I already will already have a lawyer in case she suddenly decides she doesn't agree. Link to comment
figureitout23 Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 First things first itsallgrand is giving you excellent advice I think second: I agreed because I told her I would do it if it would make her happy. Why? That is a legitimate question. She doesn't want to be with me. Said she's not sure she ever loved me but married me because we had a child together. Her saying this yesterday hurt me on a deep level. You simply should never make a lifetime choice in the middle of chaos. Im sure what she said hurt you, it would hurt me too, and I realize all this is too little too late since you already filed, I just really believe decisions this serious should not be made in the middle of chaos, what itsallgrand stated about high emotions is mainly it. You arent clear headed making a decision like this and the process will now be ran completely be emotions instead if logic. Just because I hope she comes back, won't stop the divorce? She would file if I dont. I don't really see what you are trying to say. Again realize its too late, but why couldnt she file? Why did she have you file and Im still not clear why you agreed. Im saying, pretty bluntly, you two are playing games with your lives. Link to comment
Nickel Speed Posted March 21, 2019 Author Share Posted March 21, 2019 Can you explain why you agreed? Why would you tell her you would file? Im sorry if Im misinterpreting. First things first itsallgrand is giving you excellent advice I think second: Why? That is a legitimate question. You simply should never make a lifetime choice in the middle of chaos. Im sure what she said hurt you, it would hurt me too, and I realize all this is too little too late since you already filed, I just really believe decisions this serious should not be made in the middle of chaos, what itsallgrand stated about high emotions is mainly it. You arent clear headed making a decision like this and the process will now be ran completely be emotions instead if logic. Again realize its too late, but why couldnt she file? Why did she have you file and Im still not clear why you agreed. Im saying, pretty bluntly, you two are playing games with your lives. I agreed to keep her happy. I don't want a divorce where we fight over everything. I haven't paid the fee yet, so technically haven't filed yet. My wife has gave me her half of the money already. Are you saying I should try to wait and see if she changes her mind? If I tell her that I'm not filing, I'm certain she will. Then I will be left with no lawyer and having to read through the paperwork by myself. Right now, if I file, she will be the one without a lawyer. I feel like refusing to file after saying I would, would be playing games. Somehow, you think I want this. I don't. I want her happy. Link to comment
figureitout23 Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 I agreed to keep her happy. I don't want a divorce where we fight over everything. I haven't paid the fee yet, so technically haven't filed yet. My wife has gave me her half of the money already. Are you saying I should try to wait and see if she changes her mind? If I tell her that I'm not filing, I'm certain she will. Then I will be left with no lawyer and having to read through the paperwork by myself. Right now, if I file, she will be the one without a lawyer. I feel like refusing to file after saying I would be playing games. Somehow, you think I want this. I don't. I want her happy. No, no I definitely do not think you want this, I think this is the absolute opposite of what you want which is why I am confused why you agreed to legally end the marriage she broke. Honestly everything Im saying is too late, the ball has already been set in motion, theres really nothing else you can do at this point but mentally prepare for the emotions you're about to go through ending your marriage. Hopefully your state has a 'cool down' period which will give you both time to stop acting on emotion so your divorce can be civil and fair. I wish you luck, I truly do, I hope you continue to post here and I hope you consider seeing someone especially if you have thoughts of self harm. Link to comment
Nickel Speed Posted March 21, 2019 Author Share Posted March 21, 2019 I guess I hope that if she's I am willing to do anything to make her happy, that she will see I truly care about her. Link to comment
Nickel Speed Posted March 21, 2019 Author Share Posted March 21, 2019 As far as civil and fair divorces..I don't see any issues. We talked about it in depth. 50/50 custody. No child support. She keeps her car, I keep my vehicles. We already divided furniture. She's letting me keep the house because she can't afford the payment and the loan is in just my name anyway. There's not a whole lot left to it. I don't see how it would be unfair. There is a 90 day waiting period should she change her mind. Link to comment
Carus Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 I think you're doing the right thing by filing Nickel.....I'm a bit of a relationship cynic these days but I think otherwise you'd just be prolonging the inevitable sadly...I didn't want my marriage to end and my world to collapse either but it did... The sooner you can get all these fundamentals out the way, the sooner true healing can begin.... Another example is you don't want to be three years down the track and meeting someone new and still having to deal with that 'damn divorce'..... I can see you are swirling at the moment and that's understandable.....Just hang in there ok. As for your post before about 'coping' I did want to say...You ARE coping....It may not feel like it right now because of the blinding pain and confusion and also because you want instant relief, but you're still here, you're still working through things and you're still showing up for work and your daughter.... It's just day by day at this stage mate and that's all you have to do for now ok.... Carus* Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 Sorry this is happening. People say and do the nastiest stuff to each other in a divorce. Maybe that's why people just go through their attorneys after a while.Said she's not sure she ever loved me but married me because we had a child together. Link to comment
Nickel Speed Posted March 21, 2019 Author Share Posted March 21, 2019 Sorry this is happening. People say and do the nastiest stuff to each other in a divorce. Maybe that's why people just go through their attorneys after a while. Thanks, I asked her. I didn't expect an answer so mean though. Link to comment
figureitout23 Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 Thanks, I asked her. I didn't expect an answer so mean though. Again you gotta disengage. Link to comment
Nickel Speed Posted March 21, 2019 Author Share Posted March 21, 2019 Again you gotta disengage. This is when I talked to her after I got out of the lawyer's office. I told her what the lawyer said and whatnot. Then I asked if she was still absolutely sure she didn't want to be together. I shouldn't have asked her. Link to comment
Nickel Speed Posted March 21, 2019 Author Share Posted March 21, 2019 Had my first match on Tinder.... turned out to be a dude... Deleting Tinder now. Link to comment
ninjabib Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 Tinder is awful. Truly awful. Better off approaching in 'real life' Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 Had my first match on Tinder.... turned out to be a dude... Deleting Tinder now. My friend met her second husband on Tinder (they are in their late 30s). Great people, both of them -married for one year, together for about 2-3. Link to comment
Nickel Speed Posted March 21, 2019 Author Share Posted March 21, 2019 Tinder is awful. Truly awful. Better off approaching in 'real life' That option is always on the table, but to be realistic, I don't go out during the work week. I usually have my daughter. On days I don't have her, its easier to get chores done. So realistically, I can go out and mingle every other weekend. That's not that often. If I ever did find relationship material, I would of course make time. Right now, I'm only entertaining the idea of going on a date or something and just making friends. Definitely not ready for anything serious. My friend met her second husband on Tinder (they are in their late 30s). Great people, both of them -married for one year, together for about 2-3. I used to have luck with dating apps, but now it's mostly bots it seems. My general area/ zip code has a very small pool of members. Link to comment
figureitout23 Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 Youre in the middle of a divorce. Married man who still loves his wife and filed for divorce days ago Man pretending to be a woman See how neither is really a viable option? Then again you fully admit youre just using someone so yeah...think its time to bid this thread adieu Link to comment
Nickel Speed Posted March 21, 2019 Author Share Posted March 21, 2019 Tinder is pretty up front with it's expectations. Not really a dating app. Just got another message from an actual woman. Doesn't want anything serious. Maybe drinks. Told her up front I'm going through a divorce already as well. Am I using someone? Not at all. Number of times I've been laid in 6 months? 1? Link to comment
ninjabib Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 Nickel if it works for you it works my man. I just meant it's terrible for me in the UK. Link to comment
Nickel Speed Posted March 21, 2019 Author Share Posted March 21, 2019 Nickel if it works for you it works my man. I just meant it's terrible for me in the UK. Hasn't worked yet. Link to comment
ninjabib Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 You haven't given it a chance, he could have been really nice ;) Link to comment
Nickel Speed Posted March 21, 2019 Author Share Posted March 21, 2019 You haven't given it a chance, he could have been really nice ;) Lol. Nooope. Link to comment
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