Dancing With Demons

[ninjabib]

Yep just let him be. I get your anger, really i do but let him be. He doesnt want your ex anymore so this is the end of him in your life and your daughters life. Choose the better path.

[Seraphim]

Think about your daughter. Period. This other guy isn’t worth it and neither is the trollop.

[Nickel Speed]

Yes, it is my child. Making sure the threat is no longer a threat is the answer.

 

Telling the teacher (court system) doesn't always stop the playground bully. Sometimes it makes it worse.

I'm not of the mindset that violence is never the answer. It's been the solution many times in my own life. Hitler didn't respond to a stern warning. It's the only thing some people understand. I'm not speaking from a place of anger this morning.

 

What I'd like to focus on, is how do I have enough self respect to avoid the oncoming onslaught of wife's attempts to reconcile?

I know it's coming, and I have my moments of weakness.

 

If she is willing to go to individual therapy and marriage counseling, should I still consider it? I don't know that I can get over the betrayal. It's probably easier to just move on now that I'm no longer depressed.

[ninjabib]

You tell your wife to get stuffed. Simple as. Do you want to be her doormat for the rest of your life? Say you take her back again and your old pal resurfaces she will dump you for him a 3rd time.

 

I can't believe you asked that question. NOw i recommend you get therapy for yourself as this is your issue. Why would you let someone treat you liek this? Don't use family unit as an excuse.

[Nickel Speed]

If she is genuinely willing to work on herself, why would it be terrible?

 

I'm certainly not talking about moving her back in next week or anything crazy like that, certainly not if I can't get over the trust issues.

[ninjabib]

You really dont think it would be such a bad idea? Honestly? She has already shown you who she is. Do you like that?

[bluecastle]

Nickel, I'm feeling for you, and everything I'm about to say is only in the hopes helping you find a place of peace.

 

You are not sounding particularly stable or clear-headed at the moment. I mean, Hitler? No. This man is not Hitler, and neither you nor your child are victims in a global war. The history of World War II is not, in short, justification for you to go on a warpath.

 

I understand, believe me, the instinct to focus on this guy, to deem him Enemy Number 1, the reason for your hurt, the unraveling of your marriage. But it's an "easy" path, that, and not a productive one. Blame him and your wife remains more innocent, as do you; it's like blaming someone who keyed your car for the engine exploding. Blame him and you can avoid taking a good, long, hard look in the mirror to see where you are, today, and how you got here.

 

He is not your problem right now, and never was. The problem is your wife, who is governed by issues and troubles bigger than you ever knew—more complicated, I think, than you understand even now. Healthy people do not get tangled up with men like him, or at least do not remain entangled for years, as she has.

 

Accepting that you married and had a child with someone with these sorts of issues is hard. It requires a tremendous amount of humility and a willingness to turn the lens inward, to understand your own issues, what drew you in, where you may have put up blinders, and why, right now, you remain fixated on getting back together with someone who has hurt you and is clearly in no place to be a stable partner or parent. All that is much, much harder than wanting to beat up a dirtbag.

 

Yet beating up the dirtbag? Well, I'm sorry, but it makes you a dirtbag. It makes you as small and troubled as this guy, as the way you describe your wife. It makes you someone guided by your most basest of instincts—hurt, anger, ego—and the person that will hurt the most is your child. Your daughter needs a father who can keep his own hurt in check for her own health and happiness.

 

Along with the others, I really recommend therapy. It's wonderful. It helps us process these moments—to accept them, and in the process understand our own wiring a bit better, untangling some spots where it got out of whack to we can move forward making better choices.

[Seraphim]

Believe people when they show you who they are.

[Nickel Speed]

Nickel, I'm feeling for you, and everything I'm about to say is only in the hopes helping you find a place of peace.

 

You are not sounding particularly stable or clear-headed at the moment. I mean, Hitler? No. This man is not Hitler, and neither you nor your child are victims in a global war. The history of World War II is not, in short, justification for you to go on a warpath.

 

I understand, believe me, the instinct to focus on this guy, to deem him Enemy Number 1, the reason for your hurt, the unraveling of your marriage. But it's an "easy" path, that, and not a productive one. Blame him and your wife remains more innocent, as do you; it's like blaming someone who keyed your car for the engine exploding. Blame him and you can avoid taking a good, long, hard look in the mirror to see where you are, today, and how you got here.

 

He is not your problem right now, and never was. The problem is your wife, who is governed by issues and troubles bigger than you ever knew—more complicated, I think, than you understand even now. Healthy people do not get tangled up with men like him, or at least do not remain entangled for years, as she has.

 

Accepting that you married and had a child with someone with these sorts of issues is hard. It requires a tremendous amount of humility and a willingness to turn the lens inward, to understand your own issues, what drew you in, where you may have put up blinders, and why, right now, you remain fixated on getting back together with someone who has hurt you and is clearly in no place to be a stable partner or parent. All that is much, much harder than wanting to beat up a dirtbag.

 

Yet beating up the dirtbag? Well, I'm sorry, but it makes you a dirtbag. It makes you as small and troubled as this guy, as the way you describe your wife. It makes you someone guided by your most basest of instincts—hurt, anger, ego—and the person that will hurt the most is your child. Your daughter needs a father who can keep his own hurt in check for her own health and happiness.

 

Along with the others, I really recommend therapy. It's wonderful. It helps us process these moments—to accept them, and in the process understand our own wiring a bit better, untangling some spots where it got out of whack to we can move forward making better choices.

 

I find it hard to believe that you actually think I was comparing this guy directly to Hitler in terms of scale. Only as an example in that violence is sometimes the answer...just like a schoolyard bully. Tell the teacher? He doesn't learn his lesson. Punch him in the face, lesson learned. No more issues.

 

I understand that my wife's cheating is her fault and not his. He was merely the vessel. I come from the place of protecting my child should this scumbag come back. I'm not naive.

 

I know you think I speak only from a place of ego and anger. I would think the same in your shoes from the outside reading in. There truly isn't a way to convince you otherwise. I'm methodical, and logical. A lot of thought went into this. I weigh every decision greatly, and even take into account the outside thoughts of others. (This is the reason I am on the forum, to consider all viewpoints)

 

Your path of logic is one I have already considered. I strongly disagree that this decision makes me a dirtbag or erodes my daughter's future values. I'm not a caveman acting on base instincts. This is the status quo societal argument against violence never being an answer. Logically, it's simply not true.

[Batya33]

I think violence is the answer if it is a clear case of self defense. Especially in your situation where custody issues hang in the mix and you are a father of a young child you say you adore. If you adore her you will not choose the violence you are describing.

[Nickel Speed]

I don't really appreciate my child being used as a tool of manipulation by the forum.

 

If I do this, I don't love her.. Really? SMH.

[Seraphim]

No one is using your kid as a weapon . You can be incredibly defensive and anger driven at times. This WONT help you. Do you REALLY think people waste their holiday time off to use your kid as a weapon?

[Batya33]

I don't really appreciate my child being used as a tool of manipulation by the forum.

 

If I do this, I don't love her.. Really? SMH.

 

No, you do love her. If you do this you are not prioritizing her best interests in your current situation (or ever but especially not in this current situation). I should have been more clear about that. I would never question your feelings - and anyway they are irrelevant to the opinion I have -it's your actions that matter.

[ninjabib]

Of course you love her but i think what we are all trying to say here is you can make a better decision for her which makes it a better decision for yourself.

[Nickel Speed]

No one is using your kid as a weapon . You can be incredibly defensive and anger driven at times. This WONT help you. Do you REALLY think people waste their holiday time off to use your kid as a weapon?

 

Noone said weapon.

 

Defensive? Not really. Explaining myself and it falling on deaf ears. Sure.

 

People are quick to assume I'm acting purely on emotions instead of logic. I guess I don't fit the status quo. That's fine. Aggravating, but fine.

 

These are the opinions I came here for. I don't have to agree with them for them to still be useful. Now at least I am 100% sure that I covered all the bases for my decision.

 

 

Please don't mistake my bluntness for rudeness or lack of appreciation. I value everyone's input. You weren't required to spend your time replying and you did.

[Batya33]

I don't know what you're basing your actions on. No assumptions. I don't think you've covered all bases because I think you are biased in favor of giving in to your desire to get revenge/retaliate in the form of violence. That is your priority more than your child's best interests. That is my opinion and I think it's basic common sense that violence of the type you describe is inconsistent with good parenting choices and inconsistent with the goal of having custody over one's child in the middle of a separation like this.

[Nickel Speed]

Right now, I'm more concerned with having the willpower to stay out of a relationship with her. Let's forget about the other guy for the time being.

 

Logically, it seems ignorant to take her back. I'm not depressed now. It faded away slowly, and I'm in a much better place.

 

Yet, I still want to take her back if is willing to put in the effort, go to therapy, etc. Remember, she hasn't agreed to any of this, I'm just thinking. If she doesn't I wouldn't be interested in pursuing it further.

 

If she does agree, would I still be a doormat? Do people ever truly change or would this be a fruitless effort down a long hard road for no reason?

[Seraphim]

I would take someone back ONLY if they had gone to therapy for a few years and PROVED that they changed. Not before.

[Seraphim]

Anybody can say they will change . My dad pulled that BS on my mother at least 23 times .

[Nickel Speed]

I would take someone back ONLY if they had gone to therapy for a few years and PROVED that they changed. Not before.

 

Years ehh?

 

Guess it's best to just move on.

 

 

Actually, I have a catch-up kind of thing lined up soon. It's an ex of mine. We dated for 6 months a decade ago. I ran into her the other day at the store. Been texting and catching up lately.

The relationship actually ended on good terms. We only split up because she was planning on moving to Mexico with her family the following year. We remained friends. She was born and raised her in the US, but they were going back to where they came. Long story short, it didn't make sense to pursue it further as I had no desire to move and uproot my life and she wanted to be with her family. She did ask me to move.

 

In the end, her family ended up moving away for about 6 months and came back. She never went. Now it appears she no longer has the desire to move to Mexico either. She had a house down there she had inherited that she has sold.

She has done well for herself career wise over the years, is very attractive, etc. I've explained my current situation and that I'm in no position to actually date right now. But did agree to catch up over lunch next weekend. I'm also doing some maintenance on her motorcycle that has been sitting a couple of years, which is how we met in the first place.

[ninjabib]

 

If she does agree, would I still be a doormat? Do people ever truly change or would this be a fruitless effort down a long hard road for no reason?

 

YEs because that is the position you have accepted in her eyes.

[Capricorn3]

I'm going to catch him out in public somewhere where I can at least claim self defense if police get involved.

It won't be self-defence if you start a fight, and if in public, there will be many witnesses.

[boltnrun]

Don't jump into an insta-relationship with the other woman (who sounds lovely, btw), but sure, catching up over lunch could be a lot of fun and some salve for what you've been experiencing.

[Nickel Speed]

Don't jump into an insta-relationship with the other woman (who sounds lovely, btw), but sure, catching up over lunch could be a lot of fun and some salve for what you've been experiencing.

 

She's not the type who jumps into an insta relationship. It's been nice having someone to talk to, although I'm avoiding any sort of venting as it's not her issue.

[Nickel Speed]

Well, last night she retracted her invite after I finally told her I'd go. Said she wasn't sure.