Dancing With Demons

[Batya33]

Yes, I agree you made a mistake. Hopefully you'll make a different choice next time.

[boltnrun]

You ever watch old Peanuts cartoons? Remember when Lucy holds the football for Charlie Brown to kick and every time she pulls the football away and he falls down? And next time she swears she won't do it again, he believes her, then she does it again? Every single time?

 

You are Charlie Brown and your ex is Lucy. She suggests doing something together, you eagerly agree, then she cancels. She did the same thing last weekend with the cancelled Dollywood trip.

 

She will keep doing this as long as you allow her to. At some point you HAVE to learn from this. Right?

[Nickel Speed]

We weren't doing anything together?

[boltnrun]

We weren't doing anything together?

 

You said she asked to come over, then cancelled.

 

Were you not going to be home when she came over?

 

And that's all you took from what Batya and I wrote?

[Nickel Speed]

She was coming to do her laundry. I was going to go fix my truck in garage.

[ninjabib]

She only asked to come over with the intention of never coming over purely so she could cancel once you eagerly agreed so that when she cancelled she knew you would ask if she had a date and sure enough you did.

[Nickel Speed]

I think you are giving her too much credit for conniving.

[ninjabib]

Possibly but I'm sure this was part of her plan. Alternatively that means she's just dumped her night with her daughter to meet some random guy.

[Nickel Speed]

I think that's more likely. She's going to keep her tomorrow. It's my day, but some friends invited me to a renaissance festival. Never been. Need to get out and do something other than work on vehicles and work at work.

 

Said she'd keep her. Gave her the option. If not, kiddo coulda stayed with grandma.

[Batya33]

I think that's more likely. She's going to keep her tomorrow. It's my day, but some friends invited me to a renaissance festival. Never been. Need to get out and do something other than work on vehicles and work at work.

 

Said she'd keep her. Gave her the option. If not, kiddo coulda stayed with grandma.

 

Renaissance festivals are fun -been once without my child many years ago (my date wore tights -back then-was a bit iffy about that lol) - and once with a few years ago. Enjoy!

[boltnrun]

Renaissance festivals are fun -been once without my child many years ago (my date wore tights -back then-was a bit iffy about that lol) - and once with a few years ago. Enjoy!

 

Plus, there will be lots of beautiful "wenches" to look at!

[Nickel Speed]

I was just hoping for some beer and a large drumstick.

[Nickel Speed]

Got my beer and large drumstick.

 

Wife came over and did her laundry while I was gone. She's still pissed by what I told her the other day.

[bluecastle]

Wife came over and did her laundry while I was gone. She's still pissed by what I told her the other day.

 

This is the game you guys are playing, without quite meaning to play it.

 

Remember that thing I said about being ice? That's your only move, the way you end the game.

[Nickel Speed]

This is the game you guys are playing, without quite meaning to play it.

 

Remember that thing I said about being ice? That's your only move, the way you end the game.

 

Hadn't talked to her much. Had her bring daughter over because I had some vehicle issues yesterday. My wheel bearing went down. Drove on it 120 miles hoping wheel wouldn't break off.

 

I was supposed to pick up lil one on my way home, but didn't want il one to ride in the truck with me as it was very loud and sort of dangerous, so wife brought child over and did laundry while I made my way home. As soon as I got back she left. Had my brother and his gf watch lil one while I replaced wheel bearing/ hub assy.

[Nickel Speed]

Speak of the devil.. Doesn't appear to be mad anymore. Just started ing about her coworkers. I didn't respond.

 

Then she asked who's house daughter was at so I'd respond...But it's the same place she goes to most days and she knows that.

[bluecastle]

She wants one thing above all things when it comes to you: to rile you up, to know she still has that power. It's not conscious, but it's what's driving her.

 

Your little exchange over the weekend? You asking if it was a date? You schooling her on her personality? That's fire, not ice, and she'll eat it up and metabolize it as power and affection. Over and over and over and over.

 

I get the feeling that you like a challenge, but that right now you're still trying to win the wrong game. The emotional monologue about her dependency issues? That's you looking for the upper hand, some part of you thinking she'll hear that, it'll sink in, and she'll own herself, her flaws, the havoc she's wreaking on herself, on you, on just about anyone who gets close.

 

But that's the game that can't be won.

 

So switch the script in your head. Make it about being Mr. Ice, even when you're pretending. Feel that fire rise up but don't let her see it—not even a spark. Ever. Soothe it with the beer and the drumstick, in a venting post here. Give her only ice and, before you know it, the ice will be the real you. It'll provide confidence, stability, perspective—pretend will morph into real and you'll actually feel like you're on the high ground instead of constantly being knocked off it.

[Nickel Speed]

My ice melted. So, she contacted me during lunch to say she signed the legal paperwork finally. We are required to take a parenting class. She asked if we could take it together next month and I agreed. I don't know why.

 

About 10 minutes after I agreed, her status popped up on my feed: "read something that said: "i walked away cause you were too busy finding faults in me, while i was too busy overlooking your....." let that sink in"

 

 

I left all the bad grammar exactly as read, it's from one of those dumb relationship meme pages. Don't know why people share this atrocious grammar and look at anything it says as meaningful insight while the very next "meme" contradicts the previous. I digress.

 

 

Either way, this leads me back to.. How in the heck can she reasonably still blame all of everything on me? I guess all of this communication with her is still her sick and twisted way to get revenge or being in a relationship with me?

[ninjabib]

It doesnt matter why shes doing that, you just ignore it.

[Nickel Speed]

It doesnt matter why shes doing that, you just ignore it.

 

I haven't responded to it or mentioned it to her. I'm posting it here instead.

Can't just forget about it. Not at the point of not caring at all.

[bluecastle]

How in the heck can she reasonably still blame all of everything on me? I guess all of this communication with her is still her sick and twisted way to get revenge or being in a relationship with me?

 

There is nothing "reasonable" in this—not on her side, not on yours. You're both in manic states, doing your best to find balance. The thing neither of you are quite accepting is that the other person is a source of imbalance.

 

And so the game continues.

 

But to answer your question: She blames you because it's a lot easier than looking in the mirror. The jabs and finger pointing—it's not really even about you, or even directed at you. That's just the surface illusion, one that your ego blows up into the only truth.

 

The fuller truth? She's probably mad at herself, probably hates a lot of the way she behaves, and probably feels pretty helpless when it comes to making real change. So she's really blaming herself, but projecting it outward at you—a little pressure relief valve, highly misguided.

 

Past all the pain and drama here is the story of every relationship that ends. Y'all gave it a go, did your best, didn't quite work. Sure, you could have done A and been a little more B, just as she could have avoided doing X and being a bit too Y—but that's just emotion, focusing on that.

 

It didn't quite work—end scene. That's all the social media post is a reminder of, all these exchanges are a reminder of, all her infidelity is a reminder of, all the feeling churning inside of you is a reminder of. You. Do. Not. Work. Together.

[Nickel Speed]

I don't see her working with anyone. I put up with more than I should have.

[Nickel Speed]

Woke up this morning wanting to beg her back.

 

This is ridiculous and I don't want to feel this way. I miss having a family.

[bluecastle]

Sorry about that, buddy.

 

These moments are going to happen, and they're going to hurt. The best thing you can do is acknowledge them without reacting to them, if that makes sense. Vent here, do some pushups, hang with a friend—but stay on the healing course that you know, deep down, is what you need.

 

Because these moments, while totally human and part of every breakup, do pass.

[ninjabib]

Just ride it out OP, it is normal and it will pass.