Dancing With Demons

[Nickel Speed]

I've already been in a world of pain... Like ice that's been there quite a while. I think I'm pretty numb at this point.

I spend more time at peace now than otherwise.

[itsallgrand]

How is your foot doing? I remember you were hoping to find a way for a surgery.

[Nickel Speed]

How is your foot doing? I remember you were hoping to find a way for a surgery.

 

Actually, a lot better. I just didn't have the money to shell out for the surgery.

 

I know this is about to sound crazy (a good prequel to any story), but I took a gamble. It was going to end up being well over 8 grand that I just don't have to waste. I had a foreign body in the ball of my foot that formed into a painful granuloma.

 

Seemed ludicrous to pay that much for surgery when I knew exactly where it was and could feel it. I knew there are no major arteries in that location and it was just below the skin.

 

I ordered a sterilized scalpel and dissection kit, some topical anesthetic, took a couple shots of Bourbon and got to cutting. Extremely messy. A couple hours later, a large piece went flying that I never found in the bloody mess.

After that, I soaked my open wound in an Epsom salt solution regularly for a few days in hopes to draw out anything I missed. Also extremely painful.

 

Haven't had any pain sense. I hope that's the end of it.

[katrina1980]

Nickel, frankly I don't think she (your wife) even has an "angle" for you to figure out.

 

If your daughter weren't going I might, but since she is, it's possible her intention is to simply have a nice fun day as a family, for your daughter.

 

Just because the marriage ended, that doesn't mean you should give up being a family unit for your daughter's sake.

 

Many divorced parents do that and I think it's nice!

 

That they can put their issues aside for the sake of their child or children.

 

Heck I wish my parents could have done that; I'd be a lot better off today if they had.

 

I think you (and some posters) are reading too much into this. Overthinking it.

 

Some deeming her emotionally unstable or you're being played for a fool, etc etc; again had your daughter not been going I may have thought that too.

 

And she may in fact be unstable but I don't think that's the issue here, now, with Dollywood.

 

It really sounds like your wife (ex wife?) thought about it, chose to rise above all the bullshyt and allow your daughter to spend a nice fun day at Dollywood with her mom and dad, as a family.

[figureitout23]

Nickel, frankly I don't think she (your wife) even has an "angle" for you to figure out.

 

If your daughter weren't going I might, but since she is, it's possible her intention is to simply have a nice fun day as a family, for your daughter.

 

Just because the marriage ended, that doesn't mean you should give up being a family unit for your daughter's sake.

 

Many divorced parents do that and I think it's nice!

 

That they can put their issues aside for the sake of their child or children.

 

Heck I wish my parents could have done that; I'd be a lot better off today if they had.

 

I think you (and some posters) are reading too much into this. Overthinking it.

 

Some deeming her emotionally unstable or you're being played for a fool, etc etc; again had your daughter not been going I may have thought that too.

 

And she may in fact be unstable but I don't think that's the issue here, now, with Dollywood.

 

It really sounds like your wife (ex wife?) thought about it, chose to rise above all the bullshyt and allow your daughter to spend a nice fun day at Dollywood with her mom and dad, as a family.

 

I think youre not reading again...

 

The other man, the one she cheated with years ago, dumped her days ago, not months...days...their divorce isn't final, the ink isn't dry yet, because its not even signed yet. They arent consciously uncoupling, theres a lot of baggage and hurt feelings here, I cant imagine anyone being able to differentiate. Divorced parents need time before they can develop they type of relationship youre describing, yes, its the healthiest way to coparent and I agree its good that they're doing this for their child, but there are WAY too many emotions flying right now.

 

Before all this happened I agree, there would be no reason to think it was manipulation and ego, now? How can you not see it? This isn't even the first time shes done this.

 

I agree very much with blues posts

 

I'm just going to tell you what I'm seeing here, Nickel, which is that you are deep in a spin cycle.

 

And you'll be in that spin cycle for as long as you keep trying to figure out her "angle" on things.

 

She is emotionally unstable, so her angle is going to change by the second, and that's likely just who she is. Should she evolve, it's going to be years. So try to keep reading that angle, try to base your life on understanding it—well, it's a recipe of whiplash, more spins.

 

So, figure out YOUR angle. What do YOU want from this weekend? What are YOUR limits?

 

Operate from that place, and you'll find the spins slowing down, clarity sticking.

 

Yeah, basically.

 

I'll put it a bit differently—pushing in the sort of direction that therapy can be really good for.

 

If you can pull back the lens far enough, I think you'll see that this kind of gamesmanship has probably been the norm between you two for a good long while. Remove the current drama—the cheating, the gun-to-head dude, the disappearance of wedding photos from social media—and I'll suspect you'll find this is basically how you two "communicated."

 

Where some connect, genuinely, others play games and create complicated games. It's not conscious, not intentional. It's generally people who are driven by their egos—a statement I suspect will make you wince, since you're very fond of telling anyone here who uses the word "ego" that your own ego is NOT at play here. (Which, well, IS ego, but I'm going to avoid that spin cycle...)

 

All that said: hey, go to Dollywood. See what's what. But really see what is what, you know, not what might be up, what could be up, or what you can will to be up by staying in the game another round.

 

I said before the last instance came about that it seems this is their tango.

 

I know I'm not the OPers favorite person, which is honestly why Ive avoided replying, but I have to say, there is no way this trip is innocent, for either of them.

 

But I will say, you know what, this is their tango, if they're ok with it, some people flourish in situations like this, so if hes willing to take the risk, because it IS a huge risk, its his life... one thing that needs to be accepted though, until she resolves her feelings for this other man, he will always remain a threat to the relationship and thats not on him, thats on the wife.

[Nickel Speed]

Wow. I actually appreciated something you've said about my situation figureitout. Thank you.

[Nickel Speed]

Truth is, I've no clue where any of this is going. Maybe she's manipulating, maybe it's friendship, maybe she's going to push me off a coaster. I've no idea.

 

The bad part is I'm usually extremely good at reading people, but my emotions have clouded my ability to perceive on this one as I'm not on the outside looking in.

 

The fact that she invited me when she was emotionally swinging between extremes (as in every hour or so) doesn't tell me the place she was in at the time I was invited.

 

We are going to spend much of the day together Saturday, since it's my daughters birthday.. which means I'll be around all her friends and family I haven't talked to. Should be nice and akward.

[katrina1980]

@ Nickel S, I know there are huge issues and emotions flying on both sides, but I also think it's quite possible that despite all those issues/emotions, your wife still wants a fun outing for your daughter, w her mom and dad on her bday.

 

I could be wrong! It's simply a different perspective on the situation that's all.

 

Hang in and try to remain positive about it for your daughter.

 

Kids notice everything!!

[itsallgrand]

Holy crow! About your foot!

That's hard core, doing home surgery. Makes me sad you had to resort to that. Though eight grand, my god.

Im wishing you a full recovery.

[Nickel Speed]

Holy crow! About your foot!

That's hard core, doing home surgery. Makes me sad you had to resort to that. Though eight grand, my god.

Im wishing you a full recovery.

 

Yeah. If all is still good in a month I'll be ecstatic. That cap hurt. Took 3 hours because I needed lots of breaks. Not sure how much blood I lost.

[figureitout23]

Kat I apologize if that came off as a criticism, wasn't my intention.

[Nickel Speed]

I think it's safe to say she's not playing games and doesn't want to get back together. I don't know how the conversation got to it, but she said she was adding guys on Facebook to talk to and noticed she has a "type." Dark, lscruffy, work boots, and like a trucker.

 

I'm in accounting (don't enjoy it and doesn't fit me at all, but it pays). Anyway, she told me I was never her type, which was yet another blow to my self esteem. I always thought she found me attractive. Went to bed upset.

 

That's just my rant for today.

[Seraphim]

I think it's safe to say she's not playing games and doesn't want to get back together. I don't know how the conversation got to it, but she said she was adding guys on Facebook to talk to and noticed she has a "type." Dark, lscruffy, work boots, and like a trucker.

 

I'm in accounting (don't enjoy it and doesn't fit me at all, but it pays). Anyway, she told me I was never her type, which was yet another blow to my self esteem. I always thought she found me attractive. Went to bed upset.

 

That's just my rant for today.

Pls pls for your own sanity stop talking to this woman other than about your child. You keep getting these emotional kicks to the nuts because you keep talking to her.

[figureitout23]

Pls pls for your own sanity stop talking to this woman other than about your child. You keep getting these emotional kicks to the nuts because you keep talking to her.

 

I agree.

 

Is she actively telling you this? I remember you mentioning she made the statement about not being attracted to you a while back.

 

Is she actively announcing to you that she’s trolling for men? Before your divorce is final? In passing conversation?

 

Who does that?

 

Or did you ask her and she answered?

 

I agree with sera, you can’t keep hanging around her. Keep your contact minimal for the time being. It doesn’t mean you can’t successfully coparent but right now either she’s throwing around painful comments for whatever reason and they’re sticking or you’re prodding her and her answers are hurting you. Either way it’s just not good.

 

Minimal contact.

[Nickel Speed]

I'm not prodding. She's actively mentioning.

[Seraphim]

Then she is giving you a kick to the nuts and you are participating.

I'm not prodding. She's actively mentioning.

[Nickel Speed]

Why? I've done nothing.

[Seraphim]

The only reason is that is who she is. She doesn’t need a reason. It’s obvious she wants to kick you so stop making your self available for kicking.

Why? I've done nothing.

[figureitout23]

The only reason is that is who she is. She doesn’t need a reason. It’s obvious she wants to kick you so stop making your self available for kicking.

 

I agree with sera.

 

Ironically this post started with things being flipped and you poked at her now she’s poking at you but like 1000 times worse.

 

It’s not your fault she’s choosing to act in an incredibly hurtful manner but you don’t have to be available to keep getting hit.

 

Let her work through her break up with stalker guy without having you as a crutch and punching bag. That’s her cross to bear.

[Seraphim]

I agree with sera.

 

Ironically this post started with things being flipped and you poked at her now she’s poking at you but like 1000 times worse.

 

It’s not your fault she’s choosing to act in an incredibly hurtful manner but you don’t have to be available to keep getting hit.

 

Let her work through her break up with stalker guy without having you as a crutch and punching bag. That’s her cross to bear.

EXACTLY, she is healing from your mutual break up by kicking YOU because she CAN because you offer yourself on a platter.

[Nickel Speed]

That simply doesn't make sense.

[Carus]

I think if you go anywhere you are going to get an emotional kick in the nuts.

....she said she was adding guys on Facebook to talk to and noticed she has a "type." Dark, scruffy, work boots, and like a trucker.

 

.....she told me I was never her type, which was yet another blow to my self esteem. I always thought she found me attractive. Went to bed upset.

^^^ People here know what they're talking about Nickel*

[Seraphim]

Who said emotions make sense.

That simply doesn't make sense.

[boltnrun]

That simply doesn't make sense.

 

How about agreeing to go to Dollywood with her?

 

That's not her wanting a "family day", it's her wanting someone to make her feel better after her tiff with Gun Guy. If she and Gun Guy kiss and make up it'll be so long Nickel Speed. Until she wants to use you to make herself feel better again.

 

And what happened to insisting she would have to suggest and start therapy before you would entertain thoughts of reconciling? Has she said she wants therapy? Has she booked an appointment? If not, why agree to spend a weekend day with her?

[bluecastle]

That simply doesn't make sense.

 

What doesn't make sense? A lot of people on here, myself included, have been telling you this for a good long while. At some point you're going to see it, or not.

 

What you have here is a deeply toxic dynamic—the "spin cycle" I mentioned in an earlier post. She is, on her own, perhaps a bit more toxic in life than you are, but the longer you keep relying on her for some kind of answer or stability the more infected with toxins you're going to become. You are, wether you want to admit it or not, trying to treat your wounds with the rusty knife responsible for them. You think you're being strong and rational, but to those of us watching from the bleacher seats it's just weakness. It's an ego blocking out the logic of the mind, spirit, and, yes, the heart.

 

Let's say I tell you about a burger joint down the street that I love going to—had great meals for years. But then a weird thing happens: when I ordered the burger two months back the waitress punched me in the face before bringing me a burger. "Weird," I say, "but it was delicious, I can handle a woman's right hook, so I'm thinking she was just in an off mood." I continue going back and every time she punches me in the face—only now the burger sometimes doesn't even come. When you and I meet up to chill you see that my face is covered in bruises and I'm grossly thin and malnourished. And I say to you, "I know it's crazy, but I think if I go tomorrow it'll be better."

 

Would you see me, then, as the strong and rational BC you know? No, you'd see clear as day that something seriously messed up had happened to me—not just the bruises and protruding ribs, but that I'm refusing to acknowledge that there might be a better way to nourish myself. That I'd kind of conditioned myself to equate "delicious burger" with "being punched and teased and starved," that my weird little dynamic with the waitress had jumped the shark, big time. I think, if you cared about me, that you'd tell me (over and over, until I heard it) that it was time to find a new burger joint, or maybe a new way of eating all together.

 

You and your wife are mutually creating a corrosive dynamic. I'm sorry, but I suspect the seeds of this have been there for longer than you want to admit, but would see if you did the truly strong thing, which is step back and give yourself time to heal. It's not conscious or intentional, but you've reached the point where the only way you can communicate is through pain. She is now fully programmed to mess with you, and while a lot of those wires are her own shyt to deal with, you've helped write the code by allowing it—just like I helped the waitress by showing up, again and again, for punishment.