Dancing With Demons

[Nickel Speed]

Abitbroken.. Not my wife. An ex from 10 years ago I dates from a short time. You missed some reading.

 

 

For the record, my wife said she would have never married me without the child. I would have loved to marry her before then. Not the first time you've jumped to conclusions here tho..

[bluecastle]

I'm glad the meet up with the ex went well.

 

Still, the way you talk about it? The reason abitbroken was confused? It's because you're just so clearly trying to stuff a void right now.

 

I mean, let's say she was not Catholic. Let's say she was nothing but awesome—kind, attractive, interested in all the same things you're interested in and gave off some very real signs that she was feeling you.

 

Where would that leave you?

 

Well, by my calculations it would lead you one step closer to being a lot like your wife: someone in an emotionally unstable state who is bouncing recklessly between people of the opposite sex in hopes that one will solve and/or resolve that emotional instability.

[Nickel Speed]

I wasn't ready to jump into anything. Even if she was perfect. It will still be nice to spend time with her.

 

Why so many assumption's from people?

 

I was only weighing in on future possibilities.

[figureitout23]

I wasn't ready to jump into anything. Even if she was perfect. It will still be nice to spend time with her.

 

Why so many assumption's from people?

 

I was only weighing in on future possibilities.

 

Clarify so that we don’t assume.

 

Staying things like “not the first time you’ve jumped to conclusion here” etc. because you’re upset you’re taking your emotional turmoil out on us.

[Nickel Speed]

I did clarify. I said my ex. It literally didn't make sense for it to be my wife giving everything I've wrote. Plain ridiculous. Just a few posts ago I mentioned catching up with her the ex.

[bluecastle]

So Nickel?

 

In your head I think you're coming across here like someone who is totally logical, rational, put together, weathering this storm with grace and gusto, and so you get frustrated with us when we don't support that self-conception.

 

But from where I sit you're just all over the map: Dollywood is on, Dollywood is off. Your wife is being used by a monster you need to annihilate with violence, your wife is the monster—no, you are the monster. Your ex-gf has "interestingly" popped back on the scene, but, oh, she's Catholic so it wouldn't work, not that you were even thinking along those lines, but...

 

It's a lot to follow, is all I'm saying, and while you may not like hearing this I think your quickness to bite back at posters when you feel "misunderstood" says a lot about your emotional state right now. You're surviving on fumes, buddy, and I worry you're quickly forgetting what it feels like to breathe real oxygen.

 

Real questions I'd be curious to hear some answers to: Do you know what it is that you want, right now? Like, say, over the course of the next month? Is there a goal, right now, that you're pursuing, working toward?

[figureitout23]

I did clarify. I said my ex. It literally didn't make sense for it to be my wife giving everything I've wrote. Plain ridiculous. Just a few posts ago I mentioned catching up with her the ex.

 

But thats just it Nickel, I knew only because I read from back to front, had I not, I would have been confused too, your verbiagte was confusing

 

it was an honest mistake

 

your reaction to it is well mean, youre lashing out at us, whe shes the one hurting you.

[Nickel Speed]

So Nickel?

 

In your head I think you're coming across here like someone who is totally logical, rational, put together, weathering this storm with grace and gusto, and so you get frustrated with us when we don't support that self-conception.

 

But from where I sit you're just all over the map: Dollywood is on, Dollywood is off. Your wife is being used by a monster you need to annihilate with violence, your wife is the monster—no, you are the monster. Your ex-gf has "interestingly" popped back on the scene, but, oh, she's Catholic so it wouldn't work, not that you were even thinking along those lines, but...

 

It's a lot to follow, is all I'm saying, and while you may not like hearing this I think your quickness to bite back at posters when you feel "misunderstood" says a lot about your emotional state right now. You're surviving on fumes, buddy, and I worry you're quickly forgetting what it feels like to breathe real oxygen.

 

Real questions I'd be curious to hear some answers to: Do you know what it is that you want, right now? Like, say, over the course of the next month? Is there a goal, right now, that you're pursuing, working toward?

 

Relationship wise. No goals.It's a lot of information perhaps, but I'm not all over the place. Do you know how many thought's go through a person's mind in a day?

 

I'm posting a lot of them here, should it perhaps be less? I could easily post only things that fit whatever category I wanted people to follow. Or I could only post decisions and base facts.

 

It'd be easier to follow and give advice on. I'm probably simply giving too much information to digest. It's been a problem ever since I started the thread.

 

I'm trying to start a small side business, but it's going to take much more than the month to get the assets. Being an accountant was never a goal of mine by getting an accounting degree, but I knew it would put me in a good place to one day run my own business. I'm striving towards that now more than ever. Trying to decide if I want to let go and sacritics a couple of my personal assets to fund this venture. One is a car I spent 8 years restoring that holds some value. But I don't want to regret parting with it later.

[Nickel Speed]

But thats just it Nickel, I knew only because I read from back to front, had I not, I would have been confused too, your verbiagte was confusing

 

it was an honest mistake

 

your reaction to it is well mean, youre lashing out at us, whe shes the one hurting you.

 

Did you not see abit's response. Even if abit had been correct in the reading of what I wrote, the response was mean. Telling me I would have never married my wife?

 

I'll feed off whatever energy you give me and respond accordingly. Most people do.

[Batya33]

Did you not see abit's response. Even if abit had been correct in the reading of what I wrote, the response was mean. Telling me I would have never married my wife?

 

I'll feed off whatever energy you give me and respond accordingly. Most people do.

 

In my experience people who strive to be healthy experience others' energy and then make a choice as to how to react -that evaluation can include whether it's our perception of the other person's energy (like when I think my son is whining but he told me he was just yawning), whether we're going to choose to be dragged down by the energy, whether we're going to let the other person's energy impact us in a negative way. That process means sometimes not reacting impulsively (which is crucial especially as a parent of a young child!) but it's so much more authentic and cleaner, I find.

[abitbroken]

Did you not see abit's response. Even if abit had been correct in the reading of what I wrote, the response was mean. Telling me I would have never married my wife?

 

I'll feed off whatever energy you give me and respond accordingly. Most people do.

 

I incorrectly thought the "ex" you were discussing was your wife (ex or soon to be ex). Yes, if that had been your wife you had been talking about -- and you told us reasons why you would never be back together (catholic, spanish speaking), of course we would say "you knew this about her when you met, so why would you have ever married her in the first place". As you see, I didn't realize you were talking about a second woman.

 

And secondly, your wife herself told you she would not have married you if it would not have been for the child. Unless I misread that, too - so why are you angry for people suggesting you should have ever married your wife? When she herself said it, basically? I wasn't talking about your wife since I was mixed up that you were talking about someone else - but obviously its an unresolved source of anger misdirected at me --- because your wife is the one who said that she would not have married you.

 

If you "feed off whatever energy you are given" - that's probably why your marriage didn't last. If your wife didn't pick something up in the course of taking care of a small and demanding child, you were all over her. You said so yourself. But nothing is ever about your choices or your fault.

 

 

You said yourself that your wife said she would not have married you if it had not been for the child. OR did i read that incorrectly, too.

[Nickel Speed]

You said I would not have married her. I would have. You did not say she would not marry me.

 

I accepted my blame in the failure of the marriage. But thank you for that. I see that you gave back on the energy you receive too. Thank you for proving my point!

[figureitout23]

You said I would not have married her. I would have. You did not say she would not marry me.

 

I accepted my blame in the failure of the marriage. But thank you for that. I see that you gave back on the energy you receive too. Thank you for proving my point!

 

Nickel what point are you trying to prove?

 

With everything going on in your life is proving a point on a misunderstood post really that important?

 

And the confusion is understandable because you stated you were not looking to date her. You said that because we pointed out you were rebounding and as blue pointed out and I completely agree doing exactly what your wife did to you and using someone to get over someone else. You stated that was not the case. Which was believed.

 

So why then say “it never would have worked out” that’s a complete and utter contradiction. So you were looking at this woman as a rebound.

 

You are manic right now. I said this pages ago, you’re spinning you won’t sit still. You’re an emotional storm right now.

 

We didn’t hurt you! People want to help you and understand you are going through an incredibly hard time but your stubborness is causing side arguments instead of the actual issue being looked at which is you getting distance from your toxic wife.

[Nickel Speed]

Talking about a potential distant future with someone is not going for a rebound. I made that clear.

 

We were just catching up, just thought ya'll would be interested given the content of this site. Didn't know this would be used as information to analyze my intent.

 

Guess what? I know my intent in this situation.

[figureitout23]

Talking about a potential distant future with someone is not going for a rebound. I made that clear.

 

We were just catching up, just thought ya'll would be interested given the content of this site. Didn't know this would be used as information to analyze my intent.

 

Guess what? I know my intent in this situation.

 

You are completely right, no one knows your true intent but you. All we have to go on is what you write. You are getting angry at us for not interpreting your words correctly.

 

Side note. Catching up with my ex went well. Hung out, had fun, etc. However, I don't see us being in a relationship again. There were a couple areas where we weren't compatible. She's catholic. She is involved much deeper with religion than when we met years ago. Said an elaborate lengthy grace before we had a burger at a fast food place. I'm not religious at all, agnostic. It doesn't bother me that she is, but I feel it'd be an issue for her and her family. Second, she only speaks to her child in Spanish and scolds her family when they speak to the child in English. She says that she wants her child to be fluent in Spanish and that her child will learn English when she goes to school. Obviously I could not adhere to those wishes when we hung out, as my Spanish is weak. That's just after the first "date.

 

While she's a great person, I don't see us coming to common ground. Will still hang out with her as friends .

.

 

 

These words look like the words of someone considering a potential love interest and deciding against it.

 

So while only we can truly know what is in our head, we can also be lying to ourselves, infact it’s quite common and happens everyday to everyone.

 

‘ I’ll just have one more drink ‘

 

‘ I’ll start my diet tomorrow ‘

 

‘ it’s ok to take this, I need it for my family ‘

 

‘ I can handle casual sex’

 

‘ I don’t love him anymore’

 

‘Continuing to talk to her isn’t hurting me’

[abitbroken]

While she's a great person, I don't see us coming to common ground. Will still hang out with her as friends .

 

If she were truly simply a friend, you would not be commenting about 'seeing us coming to common ground" or even caring about it. Whatever ground you have would have been enough -- for friendship. That is what is being pointed out here. If she is just a friend "she is a great person" -- that would be the end of it.

 

***********

[Nickel Speed]

While she's a great person, I don't see us coming to common ground. Will still hang out with her as friends .

 

If she were truly simply a friend, you would not be commenting about 'seeing us coming to common ground" or even caring about it. Whatever ground you have would have been enough -- for friendship. That is what is being pointed out here. If she is just a friend "she is a great person" -- that would be the end of it.

 

***********

 

Uhhh..what?????

 

"I don't see us coming to common ground" means there will never be enough there for a relationship. The ground we have now is enough for friendship, which is why I will still hang out with her as friends.

 

I'm extremely confused by you and what you are even on about. This isn't that hard. Yes, when I met up I was looking at potential long term outcomes. It doesn't mean I was jumping straight into a relationship.

[Nickel Speed]

Lawyer finally finished putting together paperwork. Emailed to me. I reviewed and went and signed it all during lunch. Wife will sign tomorrow. 90 days and it's done.

 

 

I messaged her that the legal paperwork was ready for her to go in and sign.

 

She messaged me and said she got a text from the guy who left her this morning at 4:30 a.m. saying to call her.

 

I then messaged her I didn't want to hear about it.

 

She continued anyway. She said called him. They talked and he told her that he left her because he was afraid she'd just get back with me.

 

I repeated, "I told you I wasn't interested in hearing it."

 

Her response was, "I just thought you should know. I think he will probably try to call you."

 

I just stopped responding.

 

She's going to go back to him yet again.. I know it. In the legal paperwork, I did have a clause put in that she couldn't introduce a spouse to my child for 6 months, so that buys me some time.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to take her to court after this 6 months is up to fight for full custody of my child.

 

 

So much for any business plans I had if that happens. I'll be broke and too worried about daughter.

[bluecastle]

Great news on the paperwork. I can imagining signing that is tough emotionally, but it's a real and positive step toward peace.

 

I can't say I'm surprised she shared those details—this is how she's wired right now, and she's been nothing but consistent. But—ugh. Also hard, I know.

 

Bravo for your responses. That's another big step. The true ice move moving forward is to completely ignore all of that—treat those like messages that don't exist.

 

I'm also glad you're being realistic about the prospect of full custody being in the future. Try not to let those thoughts devour too much—you'll cross that bridge when and if you need do—but as things stand she does not sound like she's in a stable place for the responsibility of raising a child.

[Nickel Speed]

Great news on the paperwork. I can imagining signing that is tough emotionally, but it's a real and positive step toward peace.

 

I can't say I'm surprised she shared those details—this is how she's wired right now, and she's been nothing but consistent. But—ugh. Also hard, I know.

 

Bravo for your responses. That's another big step. The true ice move moving forward is to completely ignore all of that—treat those like messages that don't exist.

 

I'm also glad you're being realistic about the prospect of full custody being in the future. Try not to let those thoughts devour too much—you'll cross that bridge when and if you need do—but as things stand she does not sound like she's in a stable place for the responsibility of raising a child.

 

Thanks. Signing wasn't that hard in the end. It started out that way, then I told her the paperwork was ready and I was on my way in to sign. It was right then she started telling me about him again...which made signing much easier.

 

The way she mentioned going back to me like it would just be that easy agitated me as well.

 

 

 

I don't know that I'll be able to ignore all those texts in moments of weakness, but I'll try.

 

 

She treats our daughter well and takes care of her. But the fact that she'd consider having someone like that around our daughter is just crazy to me, and also my wife's entire family.

Her friends support her, but the majority of her closest friends have cheated on their husbands in the past 6 months or are currently cheating. One who is currently cheating is the one who advised my wife that she should just do what would make her happy and leave me. This friend left her husband for several months and lived with my wife in the past (before me.) Is back with him, but is cheating again..as is he.

 

Try wrapping your head around this one. One of my wife's best friends is an ex meth user, who has a kid with the man my wife cheated with and dated before. My wife raised this woman's kid for years with him while she was on meth, and now they are besties. The meth using friend broke her 6 years sober last year and cheated on her husband. We didn't know that, but she told my wife he was beating her. She moved in with us for about a month. Then the truth came out on what she did.

In the end, she got back with him and got married one month later. They have 6 or 7 kids between the 2 of them.

 

These are the people who she bounces her ideas off of and gets advice from, yet she is the only one with anything real going on in her life career wise, etc.

[bluecastle]

I hear you. Well, in a way it actually sounds like her text was perfect timing. Easier to sign on the dotted line when it's a step away from that nonsense.

 

I know those little pokes are hard to ignore—and, really, that's all they are: little pokes. But if you can do it, especially during those moments of weakness—well, that's where you build real strength. As you build more of it, you find your instincts change.

 

I won't tout my credentials here, but trust me: I am an expert at this.

 

What you just offered (cheating friends, meth, etc.) is not at all hard for me to wrap my head around. From everything you've written, it sounds fitting, predictable. I think what you're still struggling to wrap your head around—the thing that will be hardest to process but will ultimately set you free—is the reality that the line separating your wife from "these people" is not nearly as thick as you once imagined, and that her overall affect on you is to draw you toward her side of that line rather than you drawing her toward the sort of plane you want to live your life on.

 

The cheating, the gun to head moment, the friends and their affairs—that's really all just drama. Because it has hurt you, and because you have a child with her, it feels more loaded, more meaningful. But brother? It's just drama. Involve yourself with it and you became a character in that soap opera—the angry accountant plotting revenge before going to Dollywood, and so on. It won't end until you decide to end it, to play the better, truer role of yourself: the awesome accountant with an awesome daughter, who got a little bruised up emotionally in his late 20s but came out of it wiser, stronger, and more self-aware than ever.

[Nickel Speed]

Thanks blue.

 

I'm very over the accountant role however. It was just a means and a step towards having a successful career elsewhere. I just never figured out what that career was. Tons of ideas but no execution due to lack of funds. Determined to finally change this and acquire assets, start working on the side until I feel comfortable going all in after I establish some goodwill and a client base.

 

Could try to take out a loan, but don't really want that hanging over my head while trying to get off the ground. Also a hard loan is hard to get showing no current profitability in the business that doesn't yet exist. A well laid out business plan just isn't enough for the financial institutions anymore, and I don't know any wealthy investors.

[Nickel Speed]

Don't get me wrong, she has a couple career oriented better friends that I like, but they don't hang out with her as often and sometimes stand her up. Surprisingly, her cheater friends are the one who used to attend our functions most often and reliably.

[ninjabib]

OP congrats on getting the legal stuff sorted and signed, that really is a big step. Bluecastle is right, these stupid texts she sends are just prodding you to get a reaction out of you. Literally ignore them. Only reply if it concenrs your daughter.

 

Hearing more about her friends gives a good indication of who she really is and where she is at. SHe sounds like a nightmare. Maybe not now but when this is all done in a few years time you will be glad to be shot of her.

[Nickel Speed]

I made a mistake and I engaged again.

She asked to come over tonight and do laundry / watch daughter for a bit and I was going to fix my truck.

 

Then she changed her mind because she had plans tonight.

 

First mistake-

 

So I asked her. "Date?"

 

She said, "You don't want to know. "

 

It got to me. I reponded. "Wow.. already rushing into something else. You are ridiculous"

 

She responded: "I'm not rushing into anything. That doesnt mean I'm not allowed to do things with people. Thanks for your opinion. Have a great day."

 

I should have left it at that..Actually I shouldn't of even went here at all. But then I replied:

 

"The most intense few months of love in your life was a couple weeks ago and your divorce paperwork is hot off the presses.. you don't know how to be happy without depending on someone else. But you are right. It's none of my business at this point. Just crushing."

 

 

End of convo.