Dancing With Demons

[itsallgrand]

Currently, she is texting me about our daughter's birthday party coming soon. Making plans, etc.

 

Is this a conversation I should be part of? It's about our child.

 

She will start to talk about our child any time I give short concise answers or don't respond.

 

And that's why so many recommend a custody agreement through the court.

 

I haven't been through it myself. I've seen people go for YEARS, sometimes even after the child is over 18, playing games with their exes by using their kid as a pawn.

 

Doesn't look fun. Some people don't want to be with their ex, but they do want them on tap for whenever they want some drama and attention.

 

Mark my words, keep this up, she will start making issues when you are meant to see your child.

[Nickel Speed]

And that's why so many recommend a custody agreement through the court.

 

I haven't been through it myself. I've seen people go for YEARS, sometimes even after the child is over 18, playing games with their exes by using their kid as a pawn.

 

Doesn't look fun. Some people don't want to be with their ex, but they do want them on tap for whenever they want some drama and attention.

 

Mark my words, keep this up, she will start making issues when you are meant to see your child.

 

I was at the lawyers to file yesterday. I got some more paperwork to complete this weekend and I will make the payment next week. Then sometime next week she should be able to come in and sign.

[Nickel Speed]

I agree with ninja, make it completely clear you only want to communicate about your child

 

Shes not stupid nickel, nor is she emotionally healthy as I stated before, since shes clearly not above using your child as a pawn.

 

The constant contact unless you're doing it and not telling us, is a power play, she wants to be an audience to you being hurt, she wnats to see you sad and squirming.

 

Stop letting her.

 

Hell I'd reduce communication to email, but Im petty, you wont use me as an emotional crutch...

 

Look you need to distance yourself and since you refuse to set boundaries shes able to weasel her way in via your child.

 

if you would just set up boundaries and a schedule, you'd gain a lot of your own power back.

 

I'd still like to keep open communication about our child and do the nightly facetime chats with my child when I don't have her and vice versa.

 

What I'm having trouble with is doing that and trying to ignore everything else she says. She has me constantly thinking about her, which torments me. I don't think she'd doing it to be mean. I think she's trying to be my friend, but I'm not capable right now.

[itsallgrand]

I was at the lawyers to file yesterday. I got some more paperwork to complete this weekend and I will make the payment next week. Then sometime next week she should be able to come in and sign.

 

The divorce papers?

[Nickel Speed]

The divorce papers?

 

Yes, which by default include custody arrangements and a parenting plan, at least here.

[figureitout23]

I was at the lawyers to file yesterday. I got some more paperwork to complete this weekend and I will make the payment next week. Then sometime next week she should be able to come in and sign.

 

Called it!

 

It just sounded too familiar to my old dysfunctional bull crap, she did a power play so now you are.

 

Why are you filing for divorce so fast?

 

You wont even unfriend her on social media or set up boundaries when it comes to your child but youre filing paperwork?

 

POWER PLAY!

 

Its too late now but I wish I could have told you NEVER play relationship chicken unless you have nothing to lose, because youre sacrificing your relationship.

 

But I think this was already long gone.

 

It makes everything make so much more sense though, this was over the first time she cheated. You two are just addicted to one another. Hurting one another. Your egos are so entwined at this point it would take a magician to untangle all the webs you two have weaved.

 

Dont see you really desiring any change though, you just had us here as an audience.

[Nickel Speed]

Called it!

 

It just sounded too familiar to my old dysfunctional bull crap, she did a power play so now you are.

 

Why are you filing for divorce so fast?

 

You wont even unfriend her on social media or set up boundaries when it comes to your child but youre filing paperwork?

 

POWER PLAY!

 

Its too late now but I wish I could have told you NEVER play relationship chicken unless you have nothing to lose, because youre sacrificing your relationship.

 

But I think this was already long gone.

 

It makes everything make so much more sense though, this was over the first time she cheated. You two are just addicted to one another. Hurting one another. Your egos are so entwined at this point it would take a magician to untangle all the webs you two have weaved.

 

Dont see you really desiring any change though, you just had us here as an audience.

Literally my second post in this thread was about the divorce.

How is this a power play? This was what has been happening all along.

She told me she wanted a divorce in January and she moved out in February. She has an active boyfriend.

 

We worked everything out and she's paying for half of the filing fees. Back in January we discussed dividing assets, child custody, etc.

 

I think you didn't understand the situation or I didn't describe it accurately?

I don't want a divorce at all. It's what she wants. I just want her to be happy, but I am devastated.

 

I even asked her again yesterday if she was absolutely sure this is still what she wants, and it is.

[Nickel Speed]

What child boundaries am I not setting? I don't want my child around her new boyfriend for 6 months after the divorce is final.

 

We now are doing 2 days 2 days 3 days alternating visitation schedule. I'm not sure what boundaries you want there?

 

 

I'm honestly completely confused at what you are saying? An audience? No. I want someone to talk to.

[figureitout23]

Literally my second post in this thread was about the divorce.

How is this a power play? This was what has been happening all along.

She told me she wanted a divorce in January and she moved out in February. She has an active boyfriend.

 

We worked everything out and she's paying for half of the filing fees. Back in January we discussed dividing assets, child custody, etc.

 

I think you didn't understand the situation or I didn't describe it accurately?

I don't want a divorce at all. It's what she wants. I just want her to be happy, but I am devastated.

 

I even asked her again yesterday if she was absolutely sure this is still what she wants, and it is.

 

The why would you file?

 

Serious question.

 

I saw you mentioning it, I also saw you mentioning how you didnt want to cut ties and going on family outings.

 

Thats not how you operate while make a mature adult decision as an adult about ending a marriage.

 

hanging on and saying fine you want this divorce so bad watch me do it, fits a bit more.

[figureitout23]

What child boundaries am I not setting? I don't want my child around her new boyfriend for 6 months after the divorce is final.

 

We now are doing 2 days 2 days 3 days alternating visitation schedule. I'm not sure what boundaries you want there?

 

 

I'm honestly completely confused at what you are saying? An audience? No. I want someone to talk to.

 

If you did your defenses wouldnt be so high.

 

I defended you earlier in this post because I thought posters were a bit to hard on you but I think I'm seeing now what they originally saw.

 

You stated multiple times you will not cut ties and shes calling you and using your daughter as a pawn now all of a sudden you have a custody arraignment?

 

You want help?

 

Firt things first you cant fix what you dont acknowledge you are making a ton of mistakes emotionally right now.

[Nickel Speed]

The why would you file?

 

Serious question.

 

I saw you mentioning it, I also saw you mentioning how you didnt want to cut ties and going on family outings.

 

Thats not how you operate while make a mature adult decision as an adult about ending a marriage.

 

hanging on and saying fine you want this divorce so bad watch me do it, fits a but more.

 

Because we had an adult conversation and she asked me to be the one to file because I am friends with a lawyer.

 

I don't want to. The fact that you think I'm trying to make a power play is ridiculous to me.

 

Truth is, I've been dragging it out and putting it off because it's not what I want.

 

Since she is paying half, but the lawyer can only legally represent one of us, she would have to hire her own lawyer if she changes her mind and contests anything and I would already have a lawyer that is paid for.

[Nickel Speed]

If you did your defenses wouldnt be so high.

 

I defended you earlier in this post because I thought posters were a bit to hard on you but I think I'm seeing now what they originally saw.

 

You stated multiple times you will not cut ties and shes calling you and using your daughter as a pawn now all of a sudden you have a custody arraignment?

 

You want help?

 

Firt things first you cant fix what you dont acknowledge you are making a ton of mistakes emotionally right now.

 

We had the custody arrangement the day she moved out. That has nothing to do with the texting. We've followed the arrangement.

 

You are confusing the crap out of me right now.

[itsallgrand]

Is your lawyer aware that this divorce is due to your wife's wish to be with her affair partner?

 

I get this sense she is rushing it along because she knows you are in her palm and vulnerable to manipulation right now.

 

She doesn't have an active boyfriend. She's married. She's pumping money and resources into trips and such with her affair partner. That's money resources time that she's redirected from her obligations to you and the child.

 

I'm sorry, I just don't get it. She's screwing you over and you keep asking ' yes ma'am, can I have another?!'.

 

Think about it. A woman who cheats on her husband. Who asks for a divorce, and for him to arrange it. Who expects even Stevens after that. She's ballsy but in a very unpleasant way.

[Nickel Speed]

Is your lawyer aware that this divorce is due to your wife's wish to be with her affair partner?

 

I get this sense she is rushing it along because she knows you are in her palm and vulnerable to manipulation right now.

 

She doesn't have an active boyfriend. She's married. She's pumping money and resources into trips and such with her affair partner. That's money resources time that she's redirected from her obligations to you and the child.

 

I'm sorry, I just don't get it. She's screwing you over and you keep asking ' yes ma'am, can I have another?!'.

 

Think about it. A woman who cheats on her husband. Who asks for a divorce, and for him to arrange it. Who expects even Stevens after that. She's ballsy but in a very unpleasant way.

 

No. We are filing uncontested.

 

The last trip she took was with coworkers. She abandoned the following trip. She went to the concert with her aunto and cousin. I know because I still talk to her aunt. Both of those things were in her plans since at least September of last year.

 

 

I thought her asking me to file is advantageous? She's paying half. If a problem occurs later, I will already have a lawyer.

 

What would you people on the forum have me do? Should I wait for her to file, hire my lawyer, and then fight for full custody?

 

I thought the correct decision was to let her go while I hope she comes back, divide the assets in half, and both of us be civil around our child?

[Nickel Speed]

Like, I'm literally being called dysfunctional because I'm trying to take the high road and do the right thing. I'm not making power plays. I'm not manipulating. What the actual heck?

[Nickel Speed]

One person says I'm making a power play, and the next poster says I'm being a doormat.

[figureitout23]

Like, I'm literally being called dysfunctional because I'm trying to take the high road and do the right thing. I'm not making power plays. I'm not manipulating. What the actual heck?

 

Nerves been hit.

 

You are not taking the high road, you are not being an adult right now and it IS manipulative. You are both playing games with each other and your daughter is who will pay the price

 

And yes you are also being a door mat.

 

WHO FILES FOR A DIVORCE THEY DONT WANT?!?!

 

If nothing else let her serve you. Shes cheated on you right? She wants all this right? Disengage, let her do what shes going to do, stop engaging, youre engaging and playing these games with her.

 

Stop.

[Nickel Speed]

I'm not being manipulative. My nerve has been hit because you are way off base with your inaccurate assumptions.

 

I'd literally bet you everything that I own on the fact that you are wrong.

[boltnrun]

I disagree that filing for a divorce you don't truly want is manipulative.

 

I divorced my husband. I didn't WANT the divorce, but I realized we just plain didn't belong together and I was making him miserable and he was making me miserable because we couldn't force ourselves to fit together.

 

I cried, he cried, but it was the right thing to do. Painful, but right.

[Nickel Speed]

I cried in the parking lot outside of the lawyers' office, but somehow figureitout thinks I'm playing "games".

 

That's an incredibly immature way to act or view the situation.

[ndk]

Well, you're talking it out on here hopefully you'll find the kind of support you personally need, like a divorced father's support group

[Nickel Speed]

Wouldn't she see me as weak if I backed out on my word of saying that I'd file for us and asked her to instead since I don't want to?

 

I don't see how her filing would help my case of getting her back either. I see no advantage either way.

[figureitout23]

I disagree that filing for a divorce you don't truly want is manipulative.

 

I divorced my husband. I didn't WANT the divorce, but I realized we just plain didn't belong together and I was making him miserable and he was making me miserable because we couldn't force ourselves to fit together.

 

I cried, he cried, but it was the right thing to do. Painful, but right.

 

I believe its manipulative in the fact that hes still has hope.

 

Dont pretend to throw in the towel. Bolt you said you did it once you realized it was over. hes not there yet.

 

If youre filing for divorce, cut ties, unfriend her, set up visitation, dont keep jumping when she says.

 

Divorce hurts. Whether you want it or not. I was left and filed myself too, but I didnt file until I was ready. If he chose to beforehand I would have accepted it, but he didnt, so when I was ready and let go, I filled.

 

Divorce isnt a game and shouldnt be treated as such. It final, so if you still have hope why would you do it?

 

I just dont see any logical reason but I am open to it being explained to me.

[figureitout23]

Wouldn't she see me as weak if I backed out on my word of saying that I'd file for us and asked her to instead since I don't want to?

 

I don't see how her filing would help my case of getting her back either. I see no advantage either way.

 

Can you explain why you agreed?

 

Why would you tell her you would file?

 

Im sorry if Im misinterpreting.

[itsallgrand]

No. We are filing uncontested.

 

The last trip she took was with coworkers. She abandoned the following trip. She went to the concert with her aunto and cousin. I know because I still talk to her aunt. Both of those things were in her plans since at least September of last year.

 

 

I thought her asking me to file is advantageous? She's paying half. If a problem occurs later, I will already have a lawyer.

 

What would you people on the forum have me do? Should I wait for her to file, hire my lawyer, and then fight for full custody?

 

I thought the correct decision was to let her go while I hope she comes back, divide the assets in half, and both of us be civil around our child?

 

Its only my opinion, I think your lawyer can only help you to the degree you are willing to be truthful with him/her.

If you are omitting the infidelity, you could be giving her an advantage at your own expense.