Dancing With Demons

[Nickel Speed]

OK I see and that gives me a lot of insight. She was more interested in the party than the wedding (the wedding ceremony I mean, the vows) and neither of you valued the marital commitment much -you don't have to of course but then it's not surprising she'd throw in the towel and dissolve your vows seemingly "easily". I had zero concerns about getting married while pregnant. I was overjoyed to get married and loved our wedding so much (magical day with 10 guests at my inlaws' home). Of course she's also throwing in the towel on the relationship but neither of you was really into the marital commitment - despite her interest in a specific type of wedding reception.

 

How was I not into the marital commitment? I still want to work on things. She does not.

 

If I did not mean forever, I would have never asked her. We just didn't believe a child is a reason to hold a shotgun wedding.

 

 

I did not take my vows lightly.

[Batya33]

How was I not into the marital commitment? I still want to work on things. She does not.

 

If I did not mean forever, I would have never asked her. We just didn't believe a child is a reason to hold a shotgun wedding.

 

 

I did not take my vows lightly.

 

Not a shotgun wedding at all! Huh? A shotgun wedding is when you marry someone just because of a pregnancy not because you love them and want to marry them. We had planned on marrying but not till we lived in the same city. And when I got pregnant we moved up the wedding date and got married earlier than planned. You may not have taken your vows lightly but she was willing to have a child without being married and wait so that she could have the particular kind of party she wanted. Those were her priorities. My husband said we could have a party after the baby came if I wanted -he was totally on board. I did not want a wedding reception and didn't want to spend the $ on that especially since we were now parents. I'm sure when you took your vows you didn't take them lightly but it was not a priority to marry her based on the length of your relationship and your willingness to wait even a year after you became parents just so she could have a party on the same day you took your wedding vows. So I think that is one factor in this - there wasn't a serious emphasis on a marital commitment and that makes it easier to walk away from it.

[Hollyj]

I was correct.

 

About?....

[Nickel Speed]

Not a shotgun wedding at all! Huh? A shotgun wedding is when you marry someone just because of a pregnancy not because you love them and want to marry them. We had planned on marrying but not till we lived in the same city. And when I got pregnant we moved up the wedding date and got married earlier than planned. You may not have taken your vows lightly but she was willing to have a child without being married and wait so that she could have the particular kind of party she wanted. Those were her priorities. My husband said we could have a party after the baby came if I wanted -he was totally on board. I did not want a wedding reception and didn't want to spend the $ on that especially since we were now parents. I'm sure when you took your vows you didn't take them lightly but it was not a priority to marry her based on the length of your relationship and your willingness to wait even a year after you became parents just so she could have a party on the same day you took your wedding vows. So I think that is one factor in this - there wasn't a serious emphasis on a marital commitment and that makes it easier to walk away from it.

 

Not you. I am saying that we did not want one.

 

Me? I wanted to get married when I proposed. She wanted to wait a year so she could have her dream wedding that she always imagined. I personally didn't see anything wrong with getting what she wanted. It made her happy. It didn't hurt anyone. A long engagement doesn't make it any less serious.

[Nickel Speed]

About?....

 

I addressed the concerns already. They weren't as "deep rooted" as you say. The teasing was a bad habit.

Depending on her for my desire for cleanliness was a mistake I won't make again.

There is nothing else that can be done about the past. I have also changed careers and alleviated a lot of my stress that caused some of our issues, but it is all too late.

 

 

I was correct that you have an experience from the other side of the coin which has caused you to focus on "my issues". You do not think change is possible without therapy. Personally, therapy is just a tool.

[Nickel Speed]

What I want help with is either moving on or fixing the relationship. I need to battle this depression.

[Batya33]

Not you. I am saying that we did not want one.

 

Me? I wanted to get married when I proposed. She wanted to wait a year so she could have her dream wedding that she always imagined. I personally didn't see anything wrong with getting what she wanted. It made her happy. It didn't hurt anyone. A long engagement doesn't make it any less serious.

 

She wanted a dream party. The wedding is the vows, the ceremony. She wanted a dream wedding reception and was willing to not to be married to you for an entire year when she already had a child with you so she could have a particular type of wedding reception on the same day as the vows. To me personally those values are telling. It's not the same as a couple who have a long engagement and do not yet have a child and often they have a long engagement for many reasons not just because of a party.

 

Anyway I also recommend therapy. Your dismissiveness is a shame.

[Hollyj]

I addressed the concerns already. They weren't as "deep rooted" as you say. The teasing was a bad habit.

Depending on her for my desire for cleanliness was a mistake I won't make again.

There is nothing else that can be done about the past. I have also changed careers and alleviated a lot of my stress that caused some of our issues, but it is all too late.

 

 

I was correct that you have an experience from the other side of the coin which has caused you to focus on "my issues". You do not think change is possible without therapy. Personally, therapy is just a tool.

 

My comments towards you do not apply to me personally, at least not in that situation. I advise many on this site to seek therapy. when it seems necessary. Many others do, as well.

 

I do support therapy, and think it can be a necessary vehicle in recovery and working through one's past. If you are in such a deep depression, meds and talk could help you work through these issues.

 

Your relationship is done. You also do not trust her, with good reason.

[Nickel Speed]

She wanted a dream party. The wedding is the vows, the ceremony. She wanted a dream wedding reception and was willing to not to be married to you for an entire year when she already had a child with you so she could have a particular type of wedding reception on the same day as the vows. To me personally those values are telling. It's not the same as a couple who have a long engagement and do not yet have a child and often they have a long engagement for many reasons not just because of a party.

 

Anyway I also recommend therapy. Your dismissiveness is a shame.

 

I just don't see how the length of the engagement affects the seriousness with which I took the vows? She has been the only person in this world I took the relationship to anywhere near this level. She may be the only woman I have ever told that I loved. I waited until I was sure before I told her I loved her as well. When I say something, I mean it.

 

My comments towards you do not apply to me personally, at least not in that situation. I advise many on this site to seek therapy. when it seems necessary. Many others do, as well.

 

I do support therapy, and think it can be a necessary vehicle in recovery and working through one's past. If you are in such a deep depression, meds and talk could help you work through these issues.

 

Your relationship is done. You also do not trust her, with good reason.

 

Then I apologize, I was wrong.

 

I hear you. However, what other ways that are not therapy can help me cope? I want to face my depression, but professional therapy isn't the route I want to take.

 

I've had friends go to therapy, and it is all a personal experience. One friend was on antidepressants for a year, and after she was taken off of them, still had to face her issues. My other friend went to 3 different therapists until he found one that helped him cope.

 

 

I don't trust her, but I don't entirely blame her for how she ended things. I feel that I could learn to trust her again should she be willing to open up and give our relationship a real shot. Currently, I am trying to remain friends with her and help her out in any way I can, but it is hard.

[Hollyj]

I think that if you are honest, you are afraid of dealing with deep-down issues. You are so resistant. I don;t get what you are scared of, If you were suicidal and in a deep state of depression, you cannot do this on your own. Why can't you do meds and see a therapist? Do this for your daughter. So stubborn!

 

You never trusted her after she cheated on you. You will never trust her. She is with someone else, and you must accept that is is over. Why are you helping her out. Let her bf do that. Focus on your child.

[Nickel Speed]

I think that if you are honest, you are afraid of dealing with deep-down issues. You are so resistant. I don;t get what you are scared of, If you were suicidal and in a deep state of depression, you cannot do this on your own. Why can't you do meds and see a therapist? Do this for your daughter. So stubborn!

 

You never trusted her after she cheated on you. You will never trust her. She is with someone else, and you must accept that is is over. Why are you helping her out. Let her bf do that. Focus on your child.

 

 

I'm no longer suicidal. Things have gotten slightly better. I will do ok for a few days, and then suddenly depression hits again. Things seem slightly better.

Meds are only chemicals that temporarily block what is truly going on. I don't want to do that.

 

I am a bit stubborn, but being stubborn is often an asset.

 

I could have trusted her, if she wasn't so secretive with her phone. She was this way the entire relationship.

 

I help her because I still love her and do not want to see her fail. Example, she had an exam the other day due at 11:30 at night. She was behind in her class with no chance to study. So I went to her apartment with food and got our daughter in bed after feeding her so my ex could study and pass her class. She was in a stressful situation, so I helped when she needed it.

[Hollyj]

I don't see being stubborn as an asset. At all.

 

She is not your responsibility, your child is. She has a bf and has moved out. You should not want to see her fail, but do not be her doormat.

 

Then, get counseling. Dude, what you are doing is NOT working. Get some help so that you can be the best father possible. I feel like we are going in circles.

 

I wish you the best!!!!

[melancholy123]

I haven't, and I likely won't. I considered it, and I'm just not comfortable going to counseling. I personally do not believe I would find peace by paying a stranger or strangers to talk with me. I do understand the appeal however.

 

I do think you should get some counseling. What you are doing on your own isnt getting you anywhere. Counselors know how to talk to people, how to help them thru a rough time, which is what you are in. You cant do this on your own, your posts prove that. It's not a failure of you as a human being to need some help. I urge you to do this for yourself and your child. She needs you. I hope your car never starts if you feel suicidal ever again.

[Nickel Speed]

Being stubborn got me my new job, a Master's degree and BS in 4 years combined, and countless other things through my life. It is certainly an asset.

 

I know she isn't my responsibility, but leaving my child unfed and awake at midnight because her mother is too busy studying?

 

 

Thanks.

[Nickel Speed]

I do think you should get some counseling. What you are doing on your own isnt getting you anywhere. Counselors know how to talk to people, how to help them thru a rough time, which is what you are in. You cant do this on your own, your posts prove that. It's not a failure of you as a human being to need some help. I urge you to do this for yourself and your child. She needs you. I hope your car never starts if you feel suicidal ever again.

 

If I continue this route on my own, you guarantee I will fail?

[Hollyj]

Being stubborn got me my new job, a Master's degree and BS in 4 years combined, and countless other things through my life. It is certainly an asset.

 

I know she isn't my responsibility, but leaving my child unfed and awake at midnight because her mother is too busy studying?

 

 

Thanks.

 

That is not stubborn. That is ambition and perseverance.

[Hollyj]

Being stubborn got me my new job, a Master's degree and BS in 4 years combined, and countless other things through my life. It is certainly an asset.

 

I know she isn't my responsibility, but leaving my child unfed and awake at midnight because her mother is too busy studying?

 

 

Thanks.

 

I agree, You did what was best for your child. Perhaps, she can stay with you on those days.

[Hollyj]

If I continue this route on my own, you guarantee I will fail?

 

I give up! What advice were you seeking? You seem to know everything.

 

What are your ages?

[Nickel Speed]

I give up! What advice were you seeking? You seem to know everything.

 

What are your ages?

 

See the original post. I'm 29. She is 25.

 

I don't know everything. Only a fool believes they know everything. I do know I don't wish to go to therapy.

 

I'm here for suggestions. It would be beneficial if I can figure out how to work through this on my own. I know myself and I know this is the only route I would be willing to take. If I told you right now I was going to go to therapy, I'd make a phone call, set up the appointment, and then I would never show up. I can't force myself to take that route.

 

 

My bills have already doubled, and divorce isn't cheap. I also have some medical bills for an upcoming surgery that also won't be cheap (Broke a bone in my foot). There is simply too much going on already.

[Hollyj]

Don't know what else to suggest, other than posting here.

 

I wish you well during this difficult time.

[Nickel Speed]

Don't know what else to suggest, other than posting here.

 

I wish you well during this difficult time.

 

Thank you Holly.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. See a doctor for a complete checkup. Review all your symptoms. Medical intervention and supportive psychotherapy will help you feel better, strengthen yourself and be the best father you can be as well as navigate this and focus on good co-parenting.

 

Agree focusing on any mistakes or the marriage failure is pointless, it's over. All you can do is be cognizant of how to build a self improvement plan for the future.

 

Deriding anyone is bullying, not love. Don't do it to your daughter.

guys like to pick at the ones they love.

 

I may need therapy for my deep depression and suicidal thoughts.

[Gary Snyder]

Oh I'm so sorry but it sounds like she has fallen out of love with you..........and unlike the movies, it does not come back. You get one chance per person.

 

But it's okay you will find another someday.

[Tomthumb88]

So a guy posts about his marriage disintegrating and mentions attempting to end his own life and some you decide to beat him down and make sure all the blame is on him. Great advice and very helpful at the moment I’m sure.

[Tomthumb88]

Wife didn’t want to marry, secretive with the phone, cheated on him at least once,kept him on the back burner while she tested new guys.. and you blame him.

Stop interacting with her as much as possible, conversations only about the child and logistics. don’t spend time with her at all, it’s not helping the child and it’s just feeding your ex as you remain a plan B. Pick up a book called “the rational male” and you’ll start understanding the truth behind the smokescreen. It’s a hard pill to swallow but it’s worth it.