rcphill Posted February 10, 2019 Author Share Posted February 10, 2019 All I can say is, you talk about this man like he's a lump of garbage, a boring lump of garbage at that. Move on and end things. It won't ever meet your standards. You clearly don't actually read, internalize, or digest the things that I'm typing, nor do you provide any helpful insight whatsoever. So I think your opinions are pretty invalid here. But thank you for wasting both your and my time. Link to comment
SherrySher Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 I don't agree. I think you don't want to hear what I've got to say. To me it sounds insane to date a man you judge and find fault in to this degree. I agree with jmans assessment of why you do it. Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 Fair enough OP but you did start your post saying it was his lack of education that turned you off. So I interpreted everything you posted after that as an off-shoot of that. So to clarify, it's not his lack of education that turns you off? But that he's essentially just lazy (lays around, no hobbies, no passions etc)? If so, then why did you begin your post saying it was his lack of education that turned you off? Anyway, to answer your question, yes I already stated that the educated doctor I dated bored me as he was incapable of conversing with me in the way I needed. Deeper, on an emotional level, versus cerebral. So I ended it. I created a thread about it but I did not bash him, throw him under the bus etc. We were just "different" that's all, not a good fit. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 I didn't read the other posts - I think compatibility in education and ambition and work ethic is essential -meaning it was essential for me in finding a good match for marriage -some might find it irrelevant and that's totally fine!! I wanted someone who shared my values in those respects and matched - pretty much -what I brought to the table. When I dated it was hard to meet men who didn't at least have a college degree so I had very few situations of turning down a date with someone where there was mutual attraction and he didn't have or want a college degree. Nor was I interested in getting serious with someone who saw it as just a piece of paper. Yes, if you only want someone with a degree to have a "trophy" to show off to others then sure it might be snobby or elitist but if it's part of things in common and your values then I think it's great to want someone compatible. Again I didn't read the rest of the posts. I would let this man find someone who has more in common with him and don't settle -you're not doing anyone any favors. Link to comment
rcphill Posted February 10, 2019 Author Share Posted February 10, 2019 Fair enough OP but you did start your post saying it was his lack of education that turned you off. So to clarify, it's not his lack of education that turns you off? But that he's essentially just lazy (lays around, no hobbies, etc)? Yes, initially I was turned off/put off by the lack education but solely because I really truly love and have a great passion for school, education, and learning. So I am able to connect well with other people who feel the same way. He literally told me he HATES school. So it's hard to connect with someone who hates something I love. However, I did decide to look past that because I like him. But as time has gone on, I realize there is something missing and I'm not saying it has ANYTHING to do with his lack of education but just that he is not able to engage in conversation with me about things that I am interested in talking about. For instance, I went to an event for one of my hobbies and I was really excited about it. It was one of the best days I've had in a while so I obviously wanted to tell him about it. As I was talking/after I was done telling him about my day, it was COMPLETE silence. He did not ask any questions about it and didn't even say anything like "I'm so glad you had a great day doing what you enjoy." There was literally ZERO response from him. It made me feel pretty bad honestly, like maybe he just doesn't care. So after like 2 minutes of silence, I'm just like soooo how was YOUR day? Because it seemed clear he didn't really care to talk anymore about my day... Link to comment
SherrySher Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 Fair enough OP but you did start your post saying it was his lack of education that turned you off. I think more than anything it was how it was all worded. It did sound belittling, judgmental, snobby. I can completely understand wanting certain qualities in a partner as well as preferences. We all do. But I think if we fail to find that in our partner, we view it more as incompatibilities and not so much as them being less than just because they are different than us. That's what really got my back up. Lack of education or not wanting hobbies, etc, does not make someone less than or less worthy or even uninteresting. But I still say, I feel it's a huge issue and will be an ongoing issue that can't be fixed. Good luck, OP. Link to comment
LC8328 Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 As usual, j.man nailed it & I have nothing to add except this. Devil's Advocate: Is it possible that he isn't engaged with your work stories due to the fact that he feels inferior to them, feels left out by this world he knows little about, or is aware of how you feel about the perceived differences in education/employment between the two of you? Or a combination thereof? Even if you haven't expressed all of this to him...I'm willing to bet he's aware of how you feel and that could very well manifest in ways like this. Just a thought. Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 Anything I bring up rarely goes beyond a 1 minute conversation, I'm basically just talking to a wall. Not to make light, but I chuckled when reading this as I believe I wrote the same exact thing in the thread about my doctor ex -- that talking to him about my interests was like talking to a wall! Lol No doubt he could probably say same about me! Not a good fit. So again, just end it, right? You're too different and there is nothing wrong with that! :) Link to comment
Jibralta Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 I realize this all makes me sound like a complete and a snob. I truly do not think I am any better than the guy I'm dating - in fact I know I am way more of a terrible person than he is. I just can't help but find myself annoyed DAILY that our conversations are bland and he generally has no ambition. I can't imagine a lifetime of this, but at the same time I feel like I should try to make it work because he of what a good person he is. But is that enough? I don't think you sound like a snob or a terrible person at all! It's little wonder that you are settling, when you have such mean things to say about yourself! Don't accept that from yourself. And don't let other people (who doubtless have internal dialogs full of similar self-loathing) try to put you down, either. You gave him a try. He rang some bells for you. But he can't keep up. That's not a terrible thing to say. It's the truth. Listen, this guy is actually making your ex-boyfriend LOOK GOOD. That in itself should be a BIG NOPE. You're just incompatible as relationship partners. It's that simple. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 Yes, initially I was turned off/put off by the lack education but solely because I really truly love and have a great passion for school, education, and learning. So I am able to connect well with other people who feel the same way. He literally told me he HATES school. So it's hard to connect with someone who hates something I love. However, I did decide to look past that because I like him. But as time has gone on, I realize there is something missing and I'm not saying it has ANYTHING to do with his lack of education but just that he is not able to engage in conversation with me about things that I am interested in talking about. For instance, I went to an event for one of my hobbies and I was really excited about it. It was one of the best days I've had in a while so I obviously wanted to tell him about it. As I was talking/after I was done telling him about my day, it was COMPLETE silence. He did not ask any questions about it and didn't even say anything like "I'm so glad you had a great day doing what you enjoy." There was literally ZERO response from him. It made me feel pretty bad honestly, like maybe he just doesn't care. So after like 2 minutes of silence, I'm just like soooo how was YOUR day? Because it seemed clear he didn't really care to talk anymore about my day... Why in the world did you go on more than one or two dates given what you describe? Sounds like you have nothing in common even putting education aside. Is it just a lust thing? Great episode about this in SEx and The City where Carrie tries to be more than sex buddies with a guy who responds as you described. Didn't work lol. Link to comment
SherrySher Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 Not to make light, but I chuckled when reading this as I believe I wrote the same exact thing in the thread about my doctor ex -- that talking to him about my interests was like talking to a wall! Lol Been there. Incidentally some educated people can drag on and on with conversations etc to the point of ad nauseum. So it can actually go both ways when it comes to boring conversations, educated or not. Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 Been there. Incidentally some educated people can drag on and on with conversations etc to the point of ad nauseum. So it can actually go both ways when it comes to boring conversations where you want to jam a fork into your ear. So true!! . Which is precisely how it was with us. He (my doctor ex) and OP might make a great match though! Lol Just teasing ya OP, couldn't resist, good luck! Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 Why in the world did you go on more than one or two dates given what you describe? I echo this question. Link to comment
SherrySher Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 Yes, good luck, OP. More so than anything you should find someone more compatible. Cheers. Link to comment
j.man Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 Yes, initially I was turned off/put off by the lack education but solely because I really truly love and have a great passion for school, education, and learning. So I am able to connect well with other people who feel the same way. He literally told me he HATES school. So it's hard to connect with someone who hates something I love. However, I did decide to look past that because I like him. But as time has gone on, I realize there is something missing and I'm not saying it has ANYTHING to do with his lack of education but just that he is not able to engage in conversation with me about things that I am interested in talking about. For instance, I went to an event for one of my hobbies and I was really excited about it. It was one of the best days I've had in a while so I obviously wanted to tell him about it. As I was talking/after I was done telling him about my day, it was COMPLETE silence. He did not ask any questions about it and didn't even say anything like "I'm so glad you had a great day doing what you enjoy." There was literally ZERO response from him. It made me feel pretty bad honestly, like maybe he just doesn't care. So after like 2 minutes of silence, I'm just like soooo how was YOUR day? Because it seemed clear he didn't really care to talk anymore about my day...I mean, I gotta be real. There's only so much the fact you're in a relationship with someone can prop up a boring conversation. I'm not calling whatever you were saying to him objectively boring in its own right, but that obviously he's not engaged in whatever material you're spitting. Again, one of the brightest signs of incompatibility you could see. I've got plenty of hobbies I love. I do them because I like doing them, not because I like talking about them. That makes it pretty easy for me not to feel compelled to unload all the details of the first person shooter I just bought or the pickup soccer or basketball game I just played at the park onto my wife. One incompatibility for me is when someone believes the audience shouldn't be taken into consideration simply for that audience being your boyfriend or girlfriend. I've never bought into "I care about this, ergo you should want to hear all about it." Don't get me wrong. I'm absolutely, 100% happy my wife has a great time every Sunday afternoon. But I don't want to hear about whatever list of complaints perpetually-single Sandy had about men during that brunch. I have zero cares. This is why I focused on someone with whom I could share interests and have great conversations around said shared interests rather than some kind of transactional "I listened to your ramble, now you listen to mine." If you're lacking those shared interests to have these conversations... again: incompatibility. And just for the record, I'm not stiff arming my wife every time she brings up a topic that wouldn't, on its own, interest me. Invariably, there are times you've just gotta entertain someone. But it's obviously a significant pattern for your situation. Link to comment
melancholy123 Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 I dont see any hope for this relationship. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 This is spot on. Anything I bring up rarely goes beyond a 1 minute conversation, I'm basically just talking to a wall. But yes, when he brings up things (like problems at work), I always am engaging and create a dialogue with him. I make it known that I care about what he's saying, offer advice or my opinion, etc. But I definitely do not get that in return. If you want, you could: Appreciate that he doesn't fake interest. Look for nonverbal cues of interest. Look for memory of important details at other moments (but do not do not do not test for this). But mostly do this: Choose a new candidate for bf material Link to comment
figureitout23 Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 But it's obviously a significant pattern for your situation. I'm really noticing how multiple attempts to point this out are being ignored. OPer is this a pattern for you or not? Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 I don't think this relationship will last, OP. You seem mutually bored by each other and unable to find common ground. He isn't interested in the things you are, and vice versa. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 I don't think this relationship will last, OP. You seem mutually bored by each other and unable to find common ground. He isn't interested in the things you are, and vice versa. Exactly. You bore each other. I think there was something to what jman was saying about a pattern with you. What comes to mind for me is perhaps you are shooting at what you perceive ( not what actually is) to be beneath you. People sometimes do this when they have insecurity issues or trouble with commiting. The wrong people can feel safer than dating the ones who are better fits. Sometimes too, people never take a breath from go go go as a distraction from what's going on inside. These are ideas floating in my mind, and maybe they don't apply, but I think it's worth looking at yourself when this pattern of going against your interests comes up. Link to comment
Jibralta Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 You know, I don't see that she has a pattern of acting against her own interests. She broke off her previous engagement because she didn't feel right about it. Then she carefully weighed the pros and cons before ending the relationship altogether. I see a similar approach in this case: she tried something new. She gave it a shot, but something doesn't feel right. So, she's weighing the pros and cons. I think anyone who is searching for a life partner must do these things. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 You may be right Jibralta. Some things you don't realize are dealbreakers until you get to know the person and feel out a connection ( or not). On the other hand, the bits of repetition in the scenarios brought to mind for me that she may be choosing guys who she will not be able to fully connect with. The other guy was not Christian, and she knew that going in. Even though he was fine with her practising her faith, she felt distance with him because he would not practise it wth her. This guy, even though she knew going in that he is not one driven by ambition, she is feeling distance with him because he won't connect with her on matters of ambition. It's strange, no? Makes me think she may be choosing guys she already knows she will not be wanting to connect with. Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 Deleted -- wrong thread! Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 On the other hand, the bits of repetition in the scenarios brought to mind for me that she may be choosing guys who she will not be able to fully connect with. The other guy was not Christian, and she knew that going in. Even though he was fine with her practising her faith, she felt distance with him because he would not practise it wth her. This guy, even though she knew going in that he is not one driven by ambition, she is feeling distance with him because he won't connect with her on matters of ambition. It's strange, no? Makes me think she may be choosing guys she already knows she will not be wanting to connect with. Oh my goodness, this is a great point!! Reminds me of this guy I knew years ago who had serious commitment issues who chose women with qualities/interests (or lack thereof) he later rejected them for. One example, he was an avid scuba diver, but chose to date women who weren't. Knew this straight from the get go, Would date them a few months then get turned off and reject for not being interested in scuba diving! One woman told him she would be happy to learn and join him, but he wouldn't have it, he was too "turned off" by then. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 My brother claims to want a wife with whom he can have intellectually stimulating conversations. Both times he chose women whose idea of a stimulating conversation is what happened last night on Temptation Island. Sometimes what you think you want isn't really what you want. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.