Next steps

[catfeeder]

I'm hugely put off by very ambitious people who are 'passionate' about what they do for work. To me, work is something that you do in order to be able to feed and clothe yourself, keep a roof above your head plus enjoy what little time you have left to actually live - in the evenings and during weekends/holidays. God knows I hate working with passion and would be gone from my place of work yesterday if my financial situation changed for the better. I just find it very hard to justify passing up a good person whom you love and who loves you back because he doesn't have ambition/ this mega job that's his reason for being on the planet.To each their own.

 

On a scale of 1 to 10, there's an awful lot of real estate between someone who leapfrogs between minimum wage jobs versus someone who's manic about their career. Somewhere on that scale is balance, and if your own goal is to retire reasonably early from a job that you hate, then it would make no sense to invest in a lover who can never retire with you as a life partner.

[Hollyj]

OP, do you respect him?

[deedee911]

Do I respect him? I respect the man he is, and I know he is working hard to find a new job that pays better. Or at least that's what he says. As we dont live together, I cant see what he is doing all day.

 

What I do know is he has started all of these business in the past that went no where. He has these big dreams that amount to nothing. But I look back to when I was 28 I was unemployed- just returned from travelling abroad and was in major debt. In 4.5 years I found a good job, paid off my debt and bought a place (previously I was living with my parents). I think anyone could have looked at me and thought I wouldn't amount to much after all I didnt have much to show for but part time jobs and a university education. I say look at me now. And i never forget those "haters" that didn't believe in me back then. I'm doing much better off than them. Not that it is a competition, but it just went to show how much can change in a few years.

 

On one hand, I think we are still independent. I can have him as a partner and I'd still have my career and he would have his. Even if I married a rich guy I wouldn't stop working. But I think it comes down to trust. Do I trust that he does have ambition and this isn't all talk. That's where I am stuck.

 

I do know that my attraction is dwindling for him and that isnt fair for him. I notice myself getting short with him and not desiring to be sexually intimate with him as much...

[Batya33]

You could return to school. I did at 40 and got another degree- still take the occasional class. Many have returned to school for this very reason. You are never too old.

 

I returned in my mid 20s and my husband in his late 20s and now as well (in his early 50s). I might return later in life too for another degree. I don't relate to people who have no ambition to work or do something that doesn't pay but that they are skilled at and reflects their passion -like volunteer work or a form of art. Certainly if it was the latter I still would have needed him to have a source of income that provided for financial stability but unlike Metalwin "kind and decent" human being is essential of course but for me respect and admiration is essential in addition to love and I wouldn't have that for a life partner who lacked ambition or a strong work ethic (again whether for something paid or unpaid -given financial stability). My grandfather owned a small business doing manual labor and hadn't gone to college - both of his children went to college and in one case, beyond. My grandfather had a really strong work ethic and was ambitious to provide for his family and for his children to get the education he did not have the opportunity to get. Sounds like the OP feels the same when it comes to a life partner and I can relate.

[Wiseman2]

Perhaps reflect on this since in the end it's more important.

I do know that my attraction is dwindling for him and that isnt fair for him. I notice myself getting short with him and not desiring to be sexually intimate with him as much...

[Hollyj]

I returned in my mid 20s and my husband in his late 20s and now as well (in his early 50s). I might return later in life too for another degree. I don't relate to people who have no ambition to work or do something that doesn't pay but that they are skilled at and reflects their passion -like volunteer work or a form of art. Certainly if it was the latter I still would have needed him to have a source of income that provided for financial stability but unlike Metalwin "kind and decent" human being is essential of course but for me respect and admiration is essential in addition to love and I wouldn't have that for a life partner who lacked ambition or a strong work ethic (again whether for something paid or unpaid -given financial stability). My grandfather owned a small business doing manual labor and hadn't gone to college - both of his children went to college and in one case, beyond. My grandfather had a really strong work ethic and was ambitious to provide for his family and for his children to get the education he did not have the opportunity to get. Sounds like the OP feels the same when it comes to a life partner and I can relate.

 

I agree with you. As long as there is a strong work ethic and ambition to do best, is key.

 

OP, why didn't the businesses work?

[deedee911]

I think they didnt work because he had too many ideas going at once. Since I've met him hes sh down all of his websites.

 

I got the sense that he was entitled. Trying to make it big but not putting the serious effort to get there. Like taking shortcuts. He got mad at me and said I look down on him. We never talked about it since. I dont know what to say to him. Even if I broke up with him, I couldn't tell him the real reason.

[Hollyj]

Have you met the family?

[j.man]

I'm a mixture of Wiseman and Metaltwin here. Tons of 30-somethings don't have a house and mid-tier career going. I know plenty of great people who were bogged down taking care of family because they came from less privileged backgrounds. At the same time, if you're in your 30s and you're dating to find someone who makes more than you, then that's who you should be choosing to date. Fact is guy could have all kinds of **** together and 20 kinds of motivation-- there's still no guarantee he's going to make it to the extent you're not the breadwinner. It's 2019 and it's actually more likely single women your age are going to make more than men your age-- like... almost exponentially more likely. Not a complaint, it just is what it is. So, again, assert your standards. That doesn't mean you have to judge guys or anticipate their directives, but you're not college students discussing your hypothetical futures. He may very well accomplish his goals, but that doesn't mean you bank on it and resent him along the way. Act on what you want and what you see in front of you. I don't know the guy, nor do I care to. I know what you've stated thusfar, and it seems you were incompatible from day one.

[Batya33]

"I know plenty of great people who were bogged down taking care of family because they came from less privileged backgrounds."

 

I know plenty of great people who were bogged down because they got in their own way and made bad choices. I don't think a privileged background makes it easier in the sense that if you have a strong work ethic and ambition, you're going to find a way whether it's about financial aid, etc. And a privileged background might make it harder because that can hamper motivation, grit, and lessen resilience and independence. Sure, I had the good fortune of parents who let me live at home rent free during grad school so I could decrease my loans once I was done - so I was able to pay back the loans faster. But that was because they believed in higher education. And yes there are people who fall on hard times - who have to take care of their families and leave school to go to work for example but I wouldn't assume that "privileged background" makes it easier if we're talking about ambition, work ethic, values (as opposed to making a certain amount of $/owning property by a certain age- that's not the issue she seems to have -it's that he's not ambitious or financially stable -she is not looking for wealth).

 

I also don't think he was in a situation of having to take care of family, etc., just to add.

[Metaltwin70]

'You could return to school.'

 

I wouldn't return to school even if you paid me good money. I'm not a 'school' person - I have no interest whatsoever in learning pretty much anything, never have, never will. I have a phobia of exams (regular nightmares that I'm sitting one), I don't want to cram my overloaded tired old brain with new info, it's just not me. Not everyone is made for 'school' and work work work work. Some of us just want to go do what they need to 9 to 5 so that we can then spend a good evening/weekend actually living.

[Metaltwin70]

'I do know that my attraction is dwindling for him and that isnt fair for him. I notice myself getting short with him and not desiring to be sexually intimate with him as much...'

 

Then break up with him and find yourself a 30 y old CEO with half a million in the bank. One thing to remember: uber-achieving business minded ambitious young men who are 'passionate' about what they do for living spend 80% of their lives on planes and the rest glued to their email/phone. But you probably know this already.

[Batya33]

'You could return to school.'

 

I wouldn't return to school even if you paid me good money. I'm not a 'school' person - I have no interest whatsoever in learning pretty much anything, never have, never will. I have a phobia of exams (regular nightmares that I'm sitting one), I don't want to cram my overloaded tired old brain with new info, it's just not me. Not everyone is made for 'school' and work work work work. Some of us just want to go do what they need to 9 to 5 so that we can then spend a good evening/weekend actually living.

 

People define "actually living" differently. At this point in my life if I didn't have my part time job that I love (in addition to taking care of our child) I wouldn't feel like I was actually living -I would look for a similar job if I stopped working where I do. I also wouldn't feel like I was actually living if I didn't get to spend time with friends either in person or on the phone since I relocated. There's no set definition of what brings people fulfillment and enjoyment. After college and especially grad school I had very few jobs where what I needed to do for my work could be accomplished from 9 to 5 on weekdays. People make different choices and have different values and priorities.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. It's only 7 mos, but that is enough time to know how you feel and see patterns and potential incompatibilities. The beauty of breakups at this stage is that you cut your losses and can move forward without over-investing in a losing proposition. A very simple "it's not working out" is fine at this point.

I got the sense that he was entitled. I dont know what to say to him. Even if I broke up with him, I couldn't tell him the real reason.

[Hollyj]

'You could return to school.'

 

I wouldn't return to school even if you paid me good money. I'm not a 'school' person - I have no interest whatsoever in learning pretty much anything, never have, never will. I have a phobia of exams (regular nightmares that I'm sitting one), I don't want to cram my overloaded tired old brain with new info, it's just not me. Not everyone is made for 'school' and work work work work. Some of us just want to go do what they need to 9 to 5 so that we can then spend a good evening/weekend actually living.

 

I don't understand why you do not think one can live when they have a job they love.

 

I work from home and also have a very active social life. You are so black and white in all of this. I am really sorry that there isn't anything that you are passionate about.

[Hollyj]

'I do know that my attraction is dwindling for him and that isnt fair for him. I notice myself getting short with him and not desiring to be sexually intimate with him as much...'

 

Then break up with him and find yourself a 30 y old CEO with half a million in the bank. One thing to remember: uber-achieving business minded ambitious young men who are 'passionate' about what they do for living spend 80% of their lives on planes and the rest glued to their email/phone. But you probably know this already.

 

I do not understand how trying to make a better living and getting ahead is a negative. Not everyone is a workaholic. It sounds like jealousy on your part.

 

I run a volunteer project, once a week (English convo for new immigrants). The majority of my amazing tutors are in their 30's, have great jobs, yet find time to come in and work with the students for two hours. They also have seem to have healthy social lives. Also, I have been involved in volunteerism for about 15 years (different projects throughout the city) and the majority of volunteers are young professionals in their 20's and 30's..

[Batya33]

I do not understand how trying to make a better living and getting ahead is a negative. Not everyone is a workaholic. It sounds like jealousy on your part.

 

I run a volunteer project, once a week (English convo for new immigrants). The majority of my amazing tutors are in their 30's, have great jobs, yet find time to come in and work with the students for two hours. They also have seem to have healthy social lives. Also, I have been involved in volunteerism for about 15 years (different projects throughout the city) and the majority of volunteers are young professionals in their 20's and 30's..

 

Same here and I agree. I also did the English convo type volunteering very short term but spent 7 years in my 30s while working crazy hours as a professional volunteering an hour a week reading to children who lived at a homeless shelter. And sometimes an additional hour helping their moms with their resumes. And I had an active social life and no phone (but I did have a blackberry with email later on).

[deedee911]

The issue for me is I know what the dating scene is like. Honestly, I've dated A LOT and I know it's hard to find a loyal person I can trust, I'm attracted to, has a good family and loves me as much as he does. To dump him now and go back in the dating scene to find someone more established makes me feel so superficial. Hes trying hard to find a job, but I'd frustrates me because it seems like he is applying for different types of jobs, sales etc.. I mean if he was like an engineer it would be easier to understand it's just a matter of time to get a good job on his field. With him, I dont know what he will end up doing. Even if he has the job will he be able to sustain it? There is no real proof in his past work history that he has achieved accolades or anything successful really. I'm very torn. I know with my luck I would leave him and in one year he would be more established have a great job and end up finding someone else who deserves him because I feel like the jerk here. Then I may still be single and I would have the biggest regret ever.

[deedee911]

Also, he knows my position now with my age and that realistically if I want to have a baby my choices are limited honestly. Even if I met mr right tomorrow I would have to date him for at least a year and go through everything all over again and there is no guarantee that I'll even be ready to date tomorrow because I'll need some time to heal and get back to myself before getting back out there. What I'm scared of is he will pick up on my fears and resent me because I didnt believe in him. This makes me feel like it's so transactional and mechanical.

[deedee911]

My fear was and is to end up alone and I know making a fear based decision isnt good. The reality is that if I want to have a family which I really do I'm scared based on my experience I wont find the right person. But maybe these are all excuses and is it fair to hold on to someone when I'm having all these fears and doubts?

[deedee911]

I think about him resenting me. But I also resent him for resenting me like dont I have a right to have these concerns? They are completely valid. Isnt this what dating is about after all?

[Wiseman2]

7 mos is short enough to cut your losses rather than drag this thing out until your chances to ever have a family are over.

I've been in a relationship now with someone for 7 months

[Batya33]

Why in the heck is it superficial to want someone who has compatible values about career, a strong work ethic and ambition if those values are important to you? Have you considered freezing your eggs? It wasn't an option for me in my early 30s because embryos could be frozen but egg freezing was not viable as I was told by my ob-gyn. And yes as you get into your late 30s/early 40s you probably want to start trying for a baby sooner rather than later -we started trying 1.5 years before we got married but we knew we'd get married (whether or not we had a baby naturally, sought IVF, adopted, etc). But settling for someone with incompatible values -and potentially not stable financially -and you want to have a family with that person -is a huge mistake IMO. I will also tell you there are downsides to marrying someone smart/ambitious/go-getter especially if you have a family and he has to travel regularly, work late nights or unpredictable hours (I experience this in my marriage plus he is pursuing another advanced degree -we have one child and I work very hard but part time outside the home and have more of the child care responsibilities than he does plus housework, etc -it's busy/juggling!)

 

Anyway please do not settle. I almost did a few times and it would have been a big mistake. I started dating my future husband the second time around when I turned 39 (he was almost 39) and we married and had our son when we were 42.

[boltnrun]

So let's say you stay with him because you're afraid you won't meet anyone else. You marry him and have a baby, he remains unemployed so you have to work to support the THREE of you. Does your job pay enough to support two adults and an infant? Are you OK with only taking 6 weeks maternity leave because you have to get right back to work to support all of you? Are you OK with being away from your baby because you must work?

 

If that scenario sounds like the ideal marriage and motherhood that you've always hoped for, then yes, do continue. If not, then ask yourself why you'd choose to stay.

 

BTW, does he know you're staying with him partly because you're afraid you're too old to find someone else?

[catfeeder]

To dump him now and go back in the dating scene to find someone more established makes me feel so superficial.

 

So what? If I don't feel happy with someone or I don't respect him as my equal in every aspect of life that's important to me, then I'm not dating him again. Period.

 

How well I can explain that to anyone else is irrelevant. No excuses are necessary beyond, "This isn't working for me."

 

There are no judges or juries when it comes your love life. Nobody else is living that FOR you, so nobody else gets a vote.