Next steps

[deedee911]

If he didnt have savings and was in debt I wouldn't be with him. But financially, he is better off than most. I was concerned about his ability to focus but he has showed me that he can work on that. All he needs is a job and steady income and we will be better than ok. I worry which is due to my anxiety. But ultimately, I will not be with him if we hit fall and he is still unemployed. That would tell me there is something wrong with him. That maybe he shows one side of him to me and to the people he is interviewing with shows his other side which could be incompetence. That is more concerning for me.

[deedee911]

When I first met him and I learned how much he made and was at a dead end job I cried. I cried because i knew that wasnt what i wanted. However I've dated a lot and I've met many many men with great jobs but they weren't right for me. There was some other issue that I definitely didnt want. Either they weren't honest or they were honest and had a good job but were too focused on work or other things where they didnt put our relationship as a priority. Today dating is different than it was. With all the distractions it's not easy to find someone who wants to be committed to a relationship and values family. He is very close with his family and I like his family very much. That to me is very important because the person I marry I want him to have a good family where by marriage I can gain an additional family which I have. So yes, I have my limits but there is so much about him that money cant buy. He is loving, kind, understanding, present and funny. He always makes me a priority and every day he tells me how much he loves me. We have a healthy relationship he has never put me down or called me names neither have I. When we have conflict he holds my hand and we get through it together something money cant buy. He has his downfalls which to me is focus. And if he shows me he can better organize his time and be better organized then that for me is hopeful. There are things I need to work on too and he has been incredibly patient with me. He could have dumped me a long time ago to go find someone younger and less complicated and someone who doesnt have a tight deadline to have children. It would be a lot easier for him if he wanted to lollygag to be with someone who isnt going to pressure him to be his best.

 

Thank you all for being there for me to bounce my thoughts off of. I dont know you, but your support and being present on this platform and allow me to work through my thoughts and fears is a gift. Ultimately, we have to decide what's best for us and it's a matter of having the ability to work through our own fears and doubts.

 

I wouldn't allow myself to go against what I want. I physically couldn't endure it. I've done so much work on myself and leave created a space of great love for myself where I wont allow my dreams to go by the wayside. I deserve all my dreams to come true and so does everyone on this planet. :)

[Batya33]

It sounds like you are satisfied with telling yourself the broad and general ways he is a good person for you -you've made your pros and cons list - and now your story has changed and you think he could be ready within a year to start trying to conceive which was not at all what you wrote some pages previously-you expressed serious concerns about staying with him given your biological clock. I met and know of many, many men who want marriage and family - the "distractions" you reference are no different today and irrelevant in my opinion so please don't make up stories for yourself about how "hard" the distractions make it and how fewer men want to settle down. Simply not true. From my take on it you are now singing his praises and despite all those praises you will walk if he doesn't have a stable job by this summer. Glad you have your personal timing in mind -good thing for you to know.

 

It also sounds -unlike from before -that he knows your baby-making deadline and is all set. Glad there's been such a dramatic change in his attitude and mindset over this short period of time!

 

My personal take - you're relying on broad generalities and abstractions to mollify the part of you that wants to stay with him because it's easier and you're brushing your concerns about marriage and family under the rug. Self-honesty, to me is the number one priority especially when there's a deadline as you have given your goals. I hope you're mindful of that and your posts give me concerns that you're not being honest with yourself.

[deedee911]

Sorry I dont understand what you are trying to say. The way I see it is you are basically saying I'm lying to myself about our goal compatabilities? Or is it that I need to be more clear on the forum about the whole picture instead of just one aspect?

[deedee911]

He has told me several times that he does want to have a baby when I do. That it's inline with what he wants. And with marriage too

That he does want to get engaged and married this year.

 

I'm sorry if I gave a bad representation of that and made it seem that he didnt tell me he wants the same things as me. I was just worried it wont happen if he doesnt get a job soon. But he has assured me he wants the same things as me

[reinventmyself]

He has told me several times that he does want to have a baby when I do. That it's inline with what he wants. And with marriage too

That he does want to get engaged and married this year.

 

I'm sorry if I gave a bad representation of that and made it seem that he didnt tell me he wants the same things as me. I was just worried it wont happen if he doesnt get a job soon. But he has assured me he wants the same things as me

But do his actions back up his words?

Put your hands over yours ears and stop listening to what he says and ask yourself honestly, are his choices and actions that of someone who wants the same thing as you?

[deedee911]

Hes unemployed. I dont have a lot to go off of hence the stress.

 

He says he is doing everything he can.

[Batya33]

I think you are lying to yourself to a large extent.

You said you don't want to be the main financial provider. So his agreeing to your timeline doesn't mean much unless he gets a stable job so you won't need to be the main financial provider, right? He has a dream of starting a business and his dream doesn't translate into financial stability any time soon and certainly not stability that matches your timeline, right? So if I understand it right you're going to give him till this summer to be gainfully employed and on his way to financial stability and you are fine with him trying to launch his dream business on the side and comfortable that he will have financial stability plus the time required to marry you and start a family within your timeline, do I have that right?

 

I wasted a lot of time being dishonest with myself about the relationship I was in before I reconnected with my now husband. Precious years in my 30s. It all worked out beautifully because I didn't miss the opportunity to marry my husband even though I walked away from marrying him years earlier. Luck and timing were on my side and neither of us was married or had kids when we reconnected. And by some miracle I was fertile at almost 42 and conceived a healthy baby naturally in my one and only pregnancy. I thank my lucky stars and fully understand how long I got in my own way.

 

Be very very honest and clear with yourself about what your goals and timing are and what you would need from him in order to be happy to have him as your husband. Do not settle or make silly excuses like "it's so hard to meet a good man in today's society". Please. Do not let your fear of being on your own get in your way. It's not an exact science but you deserve to be reasonably sure and excited to commit to this person and have a child with him. I cannot tell you how crucial that is especially once you become parents. I've been married 10 years and our son is 10 so that's my experience in this whole thing called love/marriage/baby carriage.

[deedee911]

think you are lying to yourself to a large extent.

You said you don't want to be the main financial provider. So his agreeing to your timeline doesn't mean much unless he gets a stable job so you won't need to be the main financial provider, right? He has a dream of starting a business and his dream doesn't translate into financial stability any time soon and certainly not stability that matches your timeline, right? So if I understand it right you're going to give him till this summer to be gainfully employed and on his way to financial stability and you are fine with him trying to launch his dream business on the side and comfortable that he will have financial stability plus the time required to marry you and start a family within your timeline, do I have that right? Yes you do.

 

Damn it. You're right. I was so close to finding the one. I guess the only option is to break up. Thank you.

[deedee911]

How do I break up with him? It will shatter his world

[reinventmyself]

How do I break up with him? It will shatter his world

 

You are not responsible for his feelings, nor is he responsible for yours.

Breaking up is never easy, but often times necessary.

[Batya33]

I didn't suggest breaking up today, I suggested getting very clear and honest with yourself. If that means to you that you should break up of course you know yourself best. I'd avoid indulging in all the dramatic escalation self-talk It was so hard when I broke up with my boyfriend in 2005. Yes it was painful for both of us. And yes within 3 years we each married other people and I hope he remains happily married -and he did have a child and I know he always wanted a family so that makes me happy. It all worked out. Don't stay with him out of some indulgent notion that he can't live without you. He'll be ok. But if you stay for too long and perhaps have a family and then decide he's not cutting it think of the ramifications then. Please don't drag things out if you've resolved to end a relationship.

[deedee911]

Thank you for your last message. To be honest, I felt upset that my only option was to break up with him. But on my own I realized it's more about being honest with myself and not focus on the outcome as much (break up whatever). So today, I took a very logical and pragmatic view on why I feel confused. I was very honest with myself. I went through some messages and journal entries and the last message we had regarding this on March 4 went like this:

[deedee911]

[ATTACH=CONFIG]11583[/ATTACH]

 

These are the messages

[katrina1980]

[ATTACH=CONFIG]11583[/ATTACH]

 

These are the messages

 

Can't open it deedee.

[deedee911]

I am trying to post screenshots of my messages. I clicked on insert image it's not working. I'll type it out later

[deedee911]

Me: I am sorry. Do what makes you happy. I have a different belief about a career. I'm sorry i couldn't be more supportive. I need security, that's why I chose to have a job instead of starting a business. We differ there.

 

him: I don't think jobs give security look at bob before christmas. You will always be at someone else's mercy. (this is referring to my brother-in-law who almost got laid off)

 

me: you know best.

 

Him: what if susan framed you? (referring to an issue I am having with a colleauge at work)

 

me: I have no comment. Go for it! Just do whatever you think is best. Honestly. I just don't know what else to say.

 

Thank you for keeping me in the loop. But ultimately it's your decision with your career and i can't tell you either way. Why don't you start with x (me giving an example) as your first prospect. And I don't want you to choose your business as an escape from looking for work. However hard it is to find work imagine it will be twice or three times as hard starting your own business. Just be realistic. It'll be important to get a lawyer to protect and know your rights. There is no easy way our in life. I think you had a plan and need to stick to it. And don't waiver just because you're having trouble finding work. That's my honest view.

 

Him:Had or have?

 

Me: Both. Just stick to it and don't waiver! I don't want to see you toggle between both and living in the middle. You get nowhere. You had a plan we discussed. Stick to it! Don't doubt yourself because it's hard finding a job.

 

him: What plan are you talking about?

 

Me: To find a job and work on your business. You need to get a business liscence, You need to get a lawyer. Its serious getting started with a business. Today you said on the phone you think you are doing the wrong thing... you're not! Finding work is hard. Painful. But keep looking! And stay focused. If you need more time in the evenings to focus on your business PLEASE let me know.

 

him: This was never my plan.

 

me: what?

 

him: My plan was to get this going (his business) before i found a job. It was to please you, that is all.

 

me: Whoa ok. Please don't do anything to appease me. Do what you want. I think we need to have a talk about all of this. I, for one, don't need you to anything you don't want to do to appease me.

 

him: ok

[Batya33]

So this is confusing. First why you would have such an important discussion through typed words. Second, you're apparently telling him what to do but then you tell him not to do anything to appease you. He didn't seem to ask for your input and to me the way you wrote it you gave him unsolicited advice in a heavy handed way. Confusing. Mixed messages.

 

But now you know his values -he values starting this business over working, he is skeptical about job security/stability.

 

By the way it's "waver" not "waiver" - waiver means to relinquish your rights which is ironic in the discussion!

[deedee911]

Ok. So do you think I am at fault here? We talked about the same exact things over the phone. I just chose to write it down because sometimes it is easier to share thoughts that way.

 

It boils down to me feeling am i with someone who doesn't know what he wants. He seems confused. I am confused. I don't know what to do...

[katrina1980]

deedee, first off, there is nothing wrong with discussing via "typed words" (text or email.)

 

I know for myself I express myself better in writing versus verbal. Many others are the same.

 

The important thing is that you're communicating, whether it's via text, phone, carrier pigeon, message in a bottle, who cares. You're communicating.

 

That said, reading your text exchanges, you and your bf have a very strange dynamic imo.

 

You sound more like his career counselor than a gf tbh.

 

I was rooting for you when you said this:

 

me: I have no comment. Go for it! Just do whatever you think is best. Honestly. I just don't know what else to say.

 

You should have left it right there. He's a grown man for heaven's sake, you said your peace, you told him you have a different belief system re careers, and you apologized for not being more supportive.

 

But then you went on to essentially counsel him!

 

May I ask why? You had it figured out, he's not the right fit for you, but than you backtracked, became wishy-washy about it.

 

Stick to your guns, your own value system.

 

Again he's a grown man, let him work this out HIMSELF. You're not his career counselor, or worse his mother.

 

Best of luck moving forward, and finding a man you are more on par with -- a better fit.

[deedee911]

I thought I was being supportive?

 

Yesterday he was asking my opinion about some picture book he published on amazon that is silly. It's made no money and has had a lot of shares... I told him my opinion and he kept painfully going in circles. I honestly just don't care

It's stupid and a joke to me. It's a side interest of his. But with everything that has gone down I'm getting tired of his wacky business ideas. Once he had an idea to create a pimple popping device for those who like to pimple pop. Just to give you an idea. Stupid stuff like that. Anyways, he said I dont listen and stormed out of my place. We havent talked since

[katrina1980]

I thought I was being supportive?

 

 

Then why did you say this?

 

"Me: I am sorry. Do what makes you happy. I have a different belief about a career. I'm sorry i couldn't be more supportive. I need security, that's why I chose to have a job instead of starting a business. We differ there."

 

I was just quoting what YOU said deedee.

[katrina1980]

deedee, stick to your guns and stop engaging him re his whacky ideas you don't agree with.

 

You started out great in your text exchange -- stick with that and just continue moving on.

[deedee911]

He told me recently everything he is doing is for us. For our future family. Thst I am everything for him. And he wants to have different streams of income. I'm honestly so stressed out because I could be giving up everything that I've ever wanted. Someone who puts me first and makes me feel special. Maybe I dont listen. Maybe I just dont know how to be a good supportive partner of someone's interests.

[katrina1980]

He told me recently everything he is doing is for us. For our future family. Thst I am everything for him. And he wants to have different streams of income. I'm honestly so stressed out because I could be giving up everything that I've ever wanted. Someone who puts me first and makes me feel special. Maybe I dont listen. Maybe I just dont know how to be a good supportive partner of someone's interests.

 

deedee, are you just venting now? You don't need to convince us believe me.

 

You and this guy are about as incompatible as two people can be.

 

I am not going to judge him, but if you continue to carry on with him, I am going to judge you, for staying when you KNOW it's best to leave. For the both of you!

 

Look, I left my fiance of six years because he got involved with heavy drugs, coke and meth. In short he was a drug addict and had been for many years!

 

Yeah I felt guilty for a while - thought I should have been more supportive but the bottom line is, HE was bringing ME down and that is exactly what your bf is doing to you. Bringing you down, causing you to question yourself, your own value system, your ability to be a supportive gf.

 

Please stop doing that. You've "hung in" there with him long enough -- he's a DREAMER. Period.

 

Not your cup of tea, that's OKAY!!!

 

Dont' feel guilty, it's your life we're talking about here -- the rest of your life.

 

You're not happy, wish him well and move on.