Next steps

[deedee911]

I dont think I'll find the perfect someone they just dont exist.

 

You know there was a job opening at my company. I spoke to the hiring manager and everything and he didnt get the job. That's when things started to become apparent to me. I have pull with my company I do well at my job and the fact that they didnt hire him told me something. He has been unemployed for 3 months now and everytime he doesnt get hired for a job my feelings go down. We got into a huge fight over all of this I told him my fears and he said that I dont believe in him. And that this was about having faith. Because he will make it one day.

[deedee911]

Of course he is going to say that because he doesnt want to lose me. I make good money and own a townhouse. He has it made with me. It would be the equivalent of me finding a guy who is more successful than me which I think is what I want

[Batya33]

What? What does "no one is perfect" have to do with this? I wouldn't use that rationalization to settle for someone. Of course there is no one perfect but there is someone who would be a good match for you. I've never once thought my husband is a perfect person. I am not a perfect person.

 

Think about how awful it would be to have a child with a man you don't respect or admire -especially how awful it would be for the child to know or sense that.

[boltnrun]

So let's say you stay with him because you're afraid you won't meet anyone else. You marry him and have a baby, he remains unemployed so you have to work to support the THREE of you. Does your job pay enough to support two adults and an infant? Are you OK with only taking 6 weeks maternity leave because you have to get right back to work to support all of you? Are you OK with being away from your baby because you must work?

 

If that scenario sounds like the ideal marriage and motherhood that you've always hoped for, then yes, do continue. If not, then ask yourself why you'd choose to stay.

 

BTW, does he know you're staying with him partly because you're afraid you're too old to find someone else?

 

Quoting myself because I'm still curious.

 

I also wonder how you going to your hiring manager on his behalf constitutes "he's trying really hard to find a job!" Sounds more like you are trying hard to find him a job.

[Wiseman2]

It's only 7 mos and you can find someone else. Don't try to mother him, find him jobs etc. In fact it's sad that you feel being his sugar mama is the only way to hang onto him.

O I make good money and own a townhouse. He has it made with me. It would be the equivalent of me finding a guy who is more successful than me which I think is what I want

[katrina1980]

Agree with Bat, no one is perfect, only perfect "for you."

 

What's bothering you exactly? The fact he doesn't have a job, or is it more his apparent lack of ambition and motivation in getting a good well paying job?

 

Or having any sort of passion at all re his career?

 

I mean what if he was a stuggling writer/poet/musician? This was his passion and he worked hard at it, but it doesn't bring in much money? Would you be ok with that? With supporting his passion and sticking it out with him?

 

Think about that, because it seriously sounds like it's more about his lack of ambition and motivation, in short he's lazy!

 

Lazy men are very unattractive imo and no it's not superficial to dump a man for that. Heavens no.

 

And then him telling you you're not sticking by him?

 

No thanks, but your call.

 

We are who we attract, so perhaps despite your having a great job, house etc, your self esteem is lacking and this is the best you think you can do?

 

Something to consider.

[catfeeder]

I dont think I'll find the perfect someone they just dont exist.

 

So I'll take up with the worst possible person for me? I'll settle for someone who makes me miserable, yet I'll expect a future with him that won't be perfectly miserable?

 

IYou know there was a job opening at my company. I spoke to the hiring manager and everything and he didnt get the job.

 

That's actually good news. It prevents you from monitoring the guy's job performance for the rest of your career there as a reflection on YOU. That's hell on earth. Really.

 

We got into a huge fight over all of this I told him my fears and he said that I dont believe in him. And that this was about having faith. Because he will make it one day.

 

What's to fight about? Do you believe that he's unaware that he's unemployed? What kind of outcome do you believe that stating the obvious buys you?

 

Your low standards for yourself don't equal some kind of obligation from him to satisfy your makeover fantasies about him. Frankly, I'd have zero use for any guy who would put up with that level of disrespect from me.

[deedee911]

What's concerning me is the fact that it looks like i have to make a commitment to someone who has nothing to show for his success. Literally nothing

It also bothers me that he isnt handy around the house. So, as more time passes I honestly dont see how he benefits me or helps me grow in any way. It's more like he is good company. Like a good friend. But there is nothing I can really say I can depend on him for. Like for example, it's very cold where I live. Today I asked him just to start my car (nicely). I have two sets of car keys. He started the car with the other key dangling from the key chain and didnt lock the door. I mean come on! That is common sense if you see two keys to use one to lock the door. It really was a turn off and I feel like I have to be in charge of everything cause I cant depend on him to do it right.

[deedee911]

I do get stability from him which I have never ever had in a relationship.

[deedee911]

I think it's a matter of time where time will honestly tell if it even makes sense to stay with him. Maybe this is just a bad phase as it is. And things can take a turn for the best and surprise me. I'm going to give it a few more months. He deserves that and so do I. I dont want to move on thinking what could have been while I'm dating someone else. That's not a healthy way to start dating and enter a new relationship.

[deedee911]

My fault in the past and why I'm 34 and in this position is because I held on to people who I knew were wrong for me because I didnt want to be alone. Now what is driving me is doing what is right for me because I know I'll be ok. I know that I wont be able to fake something that isnt what I want. Over the years I've become too genuine with myself that it will become clear.

[Wiseman2]

Why are you letting this lazy loser run your life?

What's concerning me is the fact that it looks like i have to make a commitment to someone who has nothing to show for his success. I honestly dont see how he benefits me or helps me grow in any way.

[Batya33]

What's concerning me is the fact that it looks like i have to make a commitment to someone who has nothing to show for his success. Literally nothing

It also bothers me that he isnt handy around the house. So, as more time passes I honestly dont see how he benefits me or helps me grow in any way. It's more like he is good company. Like a good friend. But there is nothing I can really say I can depend on him for. Like for example, it's very cold where I live. Today I asked him just to start my car (nicely). I have two sets of car keys. He started the car with the other key dangling from the key chain and didnt lock the door. I mean come on! That is common sense if you see two keys to use one to lock the door. It really was a turn off and I feel like I have to be in charge of everything cause I cant depend on him to do it right.

 

So a few things -in any relationship you're going to have to learn what things each one is better at and humbly accept that. Or, settle for the other person not doing it to your specifications/schedule. But decide in advance and make peace with your choice. I don't think you admire or respect him and stability? Want stability -get a puppy. And no need to go deeply on this with how genuine you are or whatever just get very simple. "I settled in the past because I wanted someone rather than no one'(which you expressed, good) and then make a list of your 3-5 must haves in a partner. And ask yourself if chemistry/passion - and I mean that click and that feeling that might not always be there when he forgets to lock your car but you know deep down it's revivable -you can remember why you're bothering with him when he's annoying or when you're hangry or arguing. And that's the glue that keeps you together. Stability too but you really need that click, that glue. I didn't have that with my husband the first time around that we dated. And we did the second.

 

So I've had the somewhat unique experience and of experiencing potential settling -and then true love and commitment - with the same person, years apart. World of difference, all the difference as I was 39 and had been afraid of the clock, of being unmarried forever (not so much of being "alone" though -I liked my alone time!) - I was the one thinking I focused too much on unavailable men but that didn't mean I had to settle for stable cute puppy with no ambition, etc.

 

Also it will come up when you least expect it -whether you two are a good match - like if you do have a child and you're disagreeing with your spouse/SO about parenting, or whatever and the child is taking it all in - how do they argue, how do they make up, what do they say on impulse. And it's when your child asks all sorts of questions about when you married, how you like being in a family, asking for family hugs -they take it all in. And they need to see spouses who respect/admire/love each other. I tell my son if he sees us argue - which we try to decrease/avoid but that's life - "mommy and daddy love each other and they will argue sometimes" -and he sees that it's genuine. They see all, they model all. Consider that too. Do you want your child to have a strong work ethic? You can pass that on of course but so much the better if your spouse can too IMO.

[Metaltwin70]

'I didn't have that with my husband the first time around that we dated. And we did the second.'

 

This is very interesting Batya. How does one NOT have the 'click', chemistry, whatever, with a person and then years later, does? The person's the same? What changed?

[Batya33]

'I didn't have that with my husband the first time around that we dated. And we did the second.'

 

This is very interesting Batya. How does one NOT have the 'click', chemistry, whatever, with a person and then years later, does? The person's the same? What changed?

 

We both changed a lot. He followed his dream career and became far more confident and had two serious relationships over the almost 8 years we were apart. He always was very ambitious and worked hard and was very successful and when we first dated I think he knew he wanted to do something else that required more education plus was even more competitive.

I became the right person to find the right person which meant, among other things that I didn't want to "run" just because I was treated with respect and "nicely" (from a position of confidence, not nice as in "passive" or doormat). I was ready for real love, for the excitement that comes with it and is not the excitement of feeling insecure or from drama of back and forth. He certaintly can keep me on my toes but not by withholding caring or love - just that he is not afraid of disagreement or expressing what he wants. He was painfully shy when we first met over 20 years ago.

 

I'm being a little extreme here -as far as what I was like before we got back together - no I didn't go for bad boys and I didn't get abused in any way shape or form -it's a more subtle shift and it meant I was ready to fall in love with a good match for me!

 

I think it's really unusual what we experienced especially since we were engaged the first time around and less than 2 months from our wedding day!

[Batya33]

I should add -we did have chemistry the first time around and we did click - just not strong enough, not enduring enough, for me to feel comfortable marrying him -I was not in a passionless relationship so when we got back together, yes we had much stronger chemistry, a much stronger spark, but since we'd had some of that the first time around that helped. Like the OP, the first time around I was afraid of letting go of a "great guy" who "treated me well" and who I had so much in common with. But the strong doubts made me realize it should not happen. I wish I'd not gone as far as I did with him back then and I think the OP should cut her losses now.

[Metaltwin70]

So essentially what changed was his improved social standing/ambition/education/current job or job prospects? This was why you felt he was now the right man for you? Or was it really that 20+ years of dating did not produced a marriageable candidate and you were weary?

[Batya33]

So essentially what changed was his improved social standing/ambition/education/current job or job prospects? This was why you felt he was now the right man for you? Or was it really that 20+ years of dating did not produced a marriageable candidate and you were weary?

 

I am really offended by your comments and it has nothing whatsoever to do with what I wrote -so, lol, none of the above. If you truly meant what you wrote I feel sorry for you -you must be going through some difficult challenges to react in such a mean-spirited/passive aggressive way. Let's keep it short and sweet ok - so that you're not tempted to put your own negative spin on it and imply those bizarre things about me. I think people can change especially at certain stages of life and especially with the passage of time. In our case what didn't work the first time around did the second time around, almost 8 years later. And it worked for all the right reasons -because of two people who fell in love and when they did wanted to be together and to be married and try to start a family - and we were both invested for all the right reasons -love, passion, things in common, common values, common life goals - to do what it took to make a go of it. And it took a lot because we were long distance, I wasn't a spring chicken so we had to start trying to conceive as soon as it was practicable, and because I had to be willing to relocate from the city I grew up in and had lived for over 40 years.

 

One of the things we had in common was ambition and following our career related dreams even with obstacles we faced. We each faced different obstacles and we each overcame them to do what we each really wanted to do when it came to career. I really admire that in him and when we first met one of the first things he asked me was why I'd chosen the career I had (back then we had the same one). I told him my unusual story of how I chose it when I was a teenager (meaning decided that was my goal) and he told me later it was important to him that someone he would be involved with liked what she did for her career and had good reasons for choosing it. I agree with him!

 

And no I do not believe in settling in the least or I'd have been married at 24 to the man I was serious with at that time who wanted to marry me. (not my husband, this was before we met) Right on paper, good person, not right for me.

 

Oh and it also took a really positive attitude on both our parts -still does in order to keep our marriage and family happy and stable - you might want to give that some thought if your attitude is anything like the post you wrote above.

[mustlovedogs]

I went to my high school reunion last summer. I didn’t know what to expect, but what I found was I clicked with many people I didn’t click with in HS.

 

People change - of course it can happen over 1 year, 5 years, but goodness, especially 20!! So of course it makes sense that Batya experienced it too!

[Batya33]

I went to my high school reunion last summer. I didn’t know what to expect, but what I found was I clicked with many people I didn’t click with in HS.

 

People change - of course it can happen over 1 year, 5 years, but goodness, especially 20!! So of course it makes sense that Batya experienced it too!

 

Just to be clear -the 20 was part of Metalwin's implied accusation about me settling (also out of left field). We were apart for almost 8 years - broke up early 30s, back together late 30s.

[mustlovedogs]

Just to be clear -the 20 was part of Metalwin's implied accusation about me settling (also out of left field). We were apart for almost 8 years - broke up early 30s, back together late 30s.

 

It doesn’t fundamentally change my point though. Whatever the time, people grow.

[katrina1980]

First off I agree people grow and change over time and as such our energies change.

 

And since energy/chemistry is what attracts us, it makes sense that someone whom we did not feel energy/chemistry with years ago, we may in fact feel it with years later.

 

Second, pls don't take offense at metal's comments Bat, I didn't sense she was accusing you so much as making an assumption based on what you wrote.

 

The written word is so ambiguous, especially on these forums, it's easy to do!

 

You've done it, I've done it, heck we all do it sometimes.

 

Best to ask for clarification if one is confused about what someone posts versus assumimg, but it is what it is; you chimed back clarifying what you meant (and then some! Lol), it's all good!!

 

And makes perfect sense!!

[Metaltwin70]

'..making an assumption based on what you wrote'

 

Thanks Katrina..

 

@ Batya: sorry. Didn't mean to offend. Over-assumed, so to speak. Again, my apologies.

[Batya33]

First off I agree people grow and change over time and as such our energies change.

 

And since energy/chemistry is what attracts us, it makes sense that someone whom we did not feel energy/chemistry with years ago, we may in fact feel it with years later.

 

Second, pls don't take offense at metal's comments Bat, I didn't sense she was accusing you so much as making an assumption based on what you wrote.

 

The written word is so ambiguous, especially on these forums, it's easy to do!

 

You've done it, I've done it, heck we all do it sometimes.

 

Best to ask for clarification if one is confused about what someone posts versus assumimg, but it is what it is; you chimed back clarifying what you meant (and then some! Lol), it's all good!!

 

And makes perfect sense!!

 

Not just written words - taking what I wrote to mean I was going for "social standing" (meaning, also, $$) and settling because I was weary of dating? I actually don't take offense as much anymore because as I wrote above my overriding sense is pity that someone would project such negativity about relationships on what I wrote - I am "assuming" Metalwin must have some level of negativity in general about relationships and careers to write that and I am sorry you feel that way Metalwin.

 

Oh and just to clarify further -he was already in an excellent career and highly educated (and no not just pieces of paper either lest you go down that path)when we met many years ago. It just wasn't right for him and he had the courage to go back to school and pursue his passion. Nothing to do with "social standing" (ick).

 

Metalwin I accept your apologies and if you actually read anything I wrote to mean I was settling or going for social standing my suggestion is you examine your own negative views on love, relationships and people who choose careers. Your withering comments reminded me how negative you were about people who choose to work hard and pursue competitive careers so I guess my explaining how my husband's pursuit of his dream career improved his self-confidence somehow translated to me going for "social standing".

[Batya33]

It doesn’t fundamentally change my point though. Whatever the time, people grow.

 

Yes and, OP - the thing is you both have to keep growing -together, hopefully -and be each other's cheerleaders. Doesn't sound like you're his cheerleader (meaning not telling him what to do or "mothering" him in the worst way mothering is defined - but encouraging what he says he wants to do and what he is doing).