Is my ex gay?

[Wiseman2]

The only harm in this theory is that it blinds you to real issues and real red flags in the future. For example if you are looking for red herrings and obscure theories you'll miss what's right in front of you. In this case a heavy drinker with ED, lack of libido and apathy.

[figureitout23]

Yes but knowing he is gay will help me move on and hope that he one day finds happiness with another man. If he came out I would support him 100%. Ever hear the quote: The truth shall set you free?

 

Everyone on this site should just move on, but part of moving on is gaining knowledge that will eventually lead one to mental peace.

 

This is so derogatory.

 

This has nothing to do with support.

 

You are viewing his sexuality as a stereotype and negative and an ability to place blame and that’s pretty low.

 

In pain or not, it’s not ok.

 

 

Have you and your husband been intimate in the last 2 years?

 

Being from a Catholic family makes it a lot harder to come out. I did not say Catholic=gay.

 

So the fact that you’re sad over a relationship where you weren’t even intimate for 2 years means you’re in the closet about your homosexuality too right? That’s where your logic is at so it’s only safe to assume right?

 

That’s the thing a lot of these blame placers don’t seem to get, narcissist, psychopath, closeted, crazy, unhinged.

 

At the end of the day they are going to be who they are and it’s not going to give you any real validation, that’s why all these blame placers remain stuck for years even after they find their ‘reason’. Because for them it’s not about healing, it’s about finding another excuse to stay stuck to them and what better excuse than pity?

 

Don’t do it girl, you’re better than this

[Seraphim]

This is so derogatory.

 

This has nothing to do with support.

 

You are viewing his sexuality as a stereotype and negative and an ability to place blame and that’s pretty low.

 

In pain or not, it’s not ok.

 

 

 

 

So the fact that you’re sad over a relationship where you weren’t even intimate for 2 years means you’re in the closet about your homosexuality too right? That’s where your logic is at so it’s only safe to assume right?

 

That’s the thing a lot of these blame placers don’t seem to get, narcissist, psychopath, closeted, crazy, unhinged.

 

At the end of the day they are going to be who they are and it’s not going to give you any real validation, that’s why all these blame placers remain stuck for years even after they find their ‘reason’. Because for them it’s not about healing, it’s about finding another excuse to stay stuck to them and what better excuse than pity?

 

Don’t do it girl, you’re better than this

I have to agree. Trying to find out his sexuality so he can be blamed is stereotyping and pretty low .

[sadchick83]

Thank you for your posts...even the tough love ones. I made the mistake of looking at something online a week ago and saw him with another woman. Even though the break up was a year ago, I feel worse now than immediately after it. All of the fun memories have dredged up from the back of my mind and are haunting my days and nights.

 

The gay thing is something that has been with me for quite some time and would explain a lot. I never knew what a narcissist was until I came on Enotalone 8 years ago. The tendencies explained my then horrific break up and eventually the knowledge helped me move on.

 

A break up with someone who is gay is complicated. First you mourn the finality of the relationship, then you still have to deal with being deceived. Not a lot of people have gone through the second portion of the eruption. While I appreciate the posts and opinions, I am 95% he is gay.

 

I agree, it is not that simple.

[Starlight925]

it is not that simple.

 

It's actually extremely simple, so let me make it as simple as possible for you:

 

This. Man. Does. Not. Want. To. Be. With. You.

 

Simple enough?

[boltnrun]

Again, if it soothes you to tell yourself he's gay, then tell yourself he's gay.

 

I mean, it absolves you of all responsibility for anything that wasn't working in the relationship. If you need that, then go ahead with the "he's gay!" theory.

[Starlight925]

OK let's play a game here.

 

The game is called: He comes out of the closet, announces he's gay, and finds himself a boyfriend.

 

Then what?

 

The game is: You figure out why you stayed with him for 6 years.

He didn't deny you sex; you chose to stay in a sexless relationship.

He didn't hold a gun to your head. You chose to stay there.

 

Why did you choose to stay in a loveless, sexless relationship?

 

See? It doesn't matter if he's gay, bi, or Caitlin Jenner. Why did you stay?

[Normm]

His actions, or inaction more aptly says a lot more about how he feels about you than about his preferred gender.

 

If anything he's just not all that into sex but to say he'd rather be with a guy just because he isn't all that interested is quite the assumption.

[catfeeder]

You figure out why you stayed with him for 6 years.

He didn't deny you sex; you chose to stay in a sexless relationship.

He didn't hold a gun to your head. You chose to stay there.

 

Why did you choose to stay in a loveless, sexless relationship?

 

See? It doesn't matter if he's gay, bi, or Caitlin Jenner. Why did you stay?

 

This is the stuff that's probably more helpful to contemplate than anything about your ex, OP.

 

Did you stay with this guy based on a fantasy that he would someday turn his ship around and suddenly check IN to the relationship?

 

Are you still holding onto that fantasy today?

 

If deciding that he's gay will somehow allow you to let go, then decide that he's gay.

 

If instead of letting go, you'd rather hold onto injury for being deceived by that, then decide that he's either been unaware that he's gay, or otherwise unable to reconcile it.

 

No matter how you slice this, it makes no sense to project your unwillingness to let go onto him. You keep drilling yourself a deeper hole to climb out of each time you ruminate over the guy, and that's on you--not him.

 

Could the problem be that you haven't enriched you own life enough to find a focus you're willing to move TOWARD? If so, then try deciding that if the two of you were ever a meant-to-be deal, you'll both meet on higher ground someday, but you'll both need to reach that place on your own. In which case, what can you focus on to reach your own higher ground? Can you invest in developing resilience as a life skill and push yourself toward self enrichment through studies, interests, career, and building better bonds with family, friends, and your community?

 

Stagnating in the past is a downward spiral. What steps can you take to reverse this?

 

Head high, and I hope you'll decide to focus on something inspiring and productive. This is not that.

[katrina1980]

sadchick, so if I am interpreting this correctly, believing he's gay would make you feel less rejected?

 

Like he did not reject you because you're unattractive, not sexual enough, not good enough, his rejection had nothing to do with you, it was because he prefers men?

 

I suppose I understand the mindset, but it's not healthy because what will happen when the next man, who is not gay, rejects you??

 

Will you spin yourself in a downward spiral after that too?

 

You need to learn now to handle rejection, that would be the healthier and more productive thing to do rather than come up with a scenario to somehow justify the rejection that has no basis in fact, only assumptions that on their face could mean anything.

 

He could simply be effeminate, many men are. Not my cup of tea but many women prefer it.

 

He could have a very low testosterone level = low sex drive.

 

He enjoys dressing nice, a bit finicky, appreciates beauty in a man, same as I can appreciate beauty in a woman, I will look at a very beautiful woman and sometimes comment, but I don't have a gay bone in my body.

 

Your assumptions are just that -- assumptions.

 

It's what you want to believe because to believe otherwise, that he just wasn't into you, is a reality you are unable to deal and cope with, so you'd rather live in never-never land, which is not a good or healthy place to live!

 

Forget about him, work on you! Including why you chose to remain in a sexless unsatisfying relationship for 2+ years!

[sadchick83]

Thanks for all of your responses.

 

First, I never meant anything to be derogatory. If any of you knew me personally you would know that it is not in my nature to insult people or be condescending in any way. The relationship was loving, but work stress, the death of his father, he was fired then re-hired, the decline in health of his mother put our sex life on the back burner. I truly loved this man, so I would not leave for lack of sex. I am one of those people who mate for life. If he became a quadriplegic, I would love him until death. Also, I thought at times it was normal. The last guy I dated was 28. This guy was in his 50s, so what the f did I know?

 

At the moment, I am going through an extremely deep depression. Not sure what is going on with me and unfortunately I have basically no heath insurance at the moment and cannot speak to a professional. I made the mistake of moving for work so I am here in a small town with no friends, no family and my dog is having extreme separation anxiety, so I cannot leave my apartment without her going nuts (I signed something that says the dog will not be a nuisance or she will be confiscated - she goes to doggie daycare during the work week so basically from Friday night to Monday morning I cannot leave the apartment without her). I am basically in prison and going crazy rehashing this relationship. I’ve never felt so lonely ion my life. So, I came back to ENA. Many years ago, this site provided me with so much strength. It was 10x more cathartic than my therapist at the time.

 

I also had to sign a non-disparagement agreement which basically means I cannot discuss the relationship with anyone except a therapist. I wish I could call a friend and talk about this, but I cannot. Very hard for someone that wears their heart on their sleeve. All of these stupid things are making me obsess about the relationship. Like why did I give up my life (initially) to move to him in the first place? If he knew he was gay, this is a complete BS move on his part. I sold my house gave up everything for a facade. To be a beard. OK, maybe I will never know for absolute certainty if he is gay, but like everyone on ENA, we come here for some answers, some clarity, possibly some dialogue with someone else who may have gone through something similar. Sue me if I fall in this category.

 

Thanks again (sincerely) for your posts. I’ll try to work on myself.

[Starlight925]

I also had to sign a non-disparagement agreement which basically means I cannot discuss the relationship with anyone except a therapist.

 

I've never heard of such a thing.

 

Who held a gun to your head and made you sign this? You say you "had to". Who made you?

[sadchick83]

Well, we had a fight...I questioned the gay thing, he instantly broke up with me - basically threw me and the dog on the street, but agreed to give me some money so I could get an apartment - if, and only if I signed the agreement.

 

Not sure if you have ever lived/worked in NYC LH, but you have to make 90x your rent in income in order qualify for an apartment. Rent @ $3,500/month (studio) = annual income of $315,000.

 

So I “had to” so I could keep my job and not become a homeless/unemployed person on a week’s notice.

[Seraphim]

Well, we had a fight...I questioned the gay thing, he instantly broke up with me - basically threw me and the dog on the street, but agreed to give me some money so I could get an apartment - if, and only if I signed the agreement.

 

Not sure if you have ever lived/worked in NYC LH, but you have to make 90x your rent in income in order qualify for an apartment. Rent @ $3,500/month (studio) = annual income of $315,000.

 

So I “had to” so I could keep my job and not become a homeless/unemployed person on a week’s notice.

 

Why wouldn’t you go home to Canada?

 

So you weren’t really blindsided by a break up . You challenged his sexuality .

[sadchick83]

Why wouldn’t you go home to Canada?

 

Cant go back to Canada because I have a professional designation that is only recognized in the US. Also, why should I be forced back because I outed him? I worked very hard to get where I am professionally. I was blindsided by everything.

[Seraphim]

Sure you can go home to Canada and work some place else.

Cant go back to Canada because I have a professional designation that is only recognized in the US.

[figureitout23]

Interesting...

 

Didn’t you also say all this other girlfriends signed non disclosures as well?

 

Also why say you can’t go back to Canada when you did shortly after the breakup according to your other post, also aren’t you in Florida now?

 

Also how did you ‘out’ him when you aren’t even sure and he never confirmed?

[sadchick83]

His 2nd ex wife signed one. I went back to Canada only for 2 months or so, I was pretty sure I would be taking the job in Florida at the time. I can go back to Canada, but 3 years of graduate school and 2 years of work in the US has me tied here for work unless I want to do something like work in retail or similar. It was the first time I ever actually point blank asked him. I had never brought it up before.

[mustlovedogs]

So he is gay? Did I miss something?

[SherrySher]

Personally, I would go back to Canada. To heck with being in prison due to him, the dog and work...at some point you need to say enough is enough.

 

It sounds as though you have more heartache where you are than anything good.

 

If he is gay then yes, he messed your life over and there is no excuse for that. Although you did say there was good times and love involved, so it's not all a sham.

 

It sounds like you're going through a large amount of heartache and the worst of it, you've allowed yourself to be shut away.

 

It really is up to you, but I would sincerely advise you to go home. There is nothing but misery there for you right now.

[Seraphim]

Yup, I would come home.

[sadchick83]

Personally, I would go back to Canada. To heck with being in prison due to him, the dog and work...at some point you need to say enough is enough.

 

It sounds as though you have more heartache where you are than anything good.

 

If he is gay then yes, he messed your life over and there is no excuse for that. Although you did say there was good times and love involved, so it's not all a sham.

 

It sounds like you're going through a large amount of heartache and the worst of it, you've allowed yourself to be shut away.

 

It really is up to you, but I would sincerely advise you to go home. There is nothing but misery there for you right now.

 

This post nails it. I’ve still got some time on the lease I signed here and still paying for the lease in NYC...costing me a ridiculous amount of money. What irks me most is that he tossed me some money at the end and assumes that should fix everything - including the initial move to the US for which I gave up a pension, car, business, friends and a home I owned.

 

Now I miss my Mom so much. She is in her 80s now and not being with her hurts the most. So that is why I cry, I gave it all up for a closeted man.

 

If things don’t improve over the next few months, I will leave when my lease is up here.

[Starlight925]

While I agree that if he's gay, then it turns out you were his beard all this time, and he basically hid behind you.

 

You've still never answered my original question:

 

Why did you stay for so long? Why did you stay in a loveless, sexless relationship for years?

 

You are still focusing on him and all his wrongs. Yes, if he was lying to you by being gay, he's a jerk. OK, cool, we all agree. That still keeps the focus on him.

 

What about YOU????

[Jennifer2018]

What difference does it make other than gossip? He and she are over. What he does in his own time now, is his business, truthfully.

 

Op, you need to change your focus and concentrate on yourself, healing, and moving forward. It won't help resenting your ex and finding reasons to hate on him or put him down.

It will end up holding you back.

 

It really doesn't matter at this point if your ex is gay, straight, with someone else, or an alien. Let it go and move forward.

 

Better days are ahead for you.

 

THIS!!!

1000% true

[catfeeder]

At the moment, I am going through an extremely deep depression. Not sure what is going on with me and unfortunately I have basically no heath insurance at the moment and cannot speak to a professional. I made the mistake of moving for work so I am here in a small town with no friends, no family and my dog is having extreme separation anxiety, so I cannot leave my apartment without her going nuts (I signed something that says the dog will not be a nuisance or she will be confiscated - she goes to doggie daycare during the work week so basically from Friday night to Monday morning I cannot leave the apartment without her). I am basically in prison and going crazy rehashing this relationship. I’ve never felt so lonely ion my life.

 

You and the dog are spiraling one another. She's likely picking up your state and reflecting it. Consider contacting local animal shelters for a referral to someone who can help you train her and manage her behavior. Explain that you're at risk of losing her to a shelter without help, and most shelters don't want that to happen, either, so they may help you to manage the problem at minimal cost.

 

So how are you currently managing the dog while working? What is the occupation you're unable to transfer back to Canada, and why does your employer not provide medical insurance? Does your employer have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP)? Have you factored the cost of insurance and treatment as a benefit you'll gain in Canada that you don't have now? Might it not be a good idea to consider a move home, at least temporarily, so you can be with your Mom, get the help you need, then work out the career stuff over time?

 

You're aware that ruminating over the ex isn't productive, so consider making a plan to get yourself healthy and provide you with goals you can move TOWARD. Stagnation keeps you stuck in rumination, which only drills you a deeper hole to climb out of. Contact local hospitals for a referral to a social worker who can recommend the resources to help you manage all the aspects of your life that have you feeling stuck.

 

(((HUG)))