Jump to content

Recommended Posts

So not only do I have had to deal with a very upsetting break up, but in addition to the mind fu*k that that gave me, I am almost certain my ex is gay. After 6.5 years, he only initiated sex a handful of times. No sex for the last 2 years of the relationship. Someone told me he did the same with his ex wife - hadn’t touched her during the last 2 years of their relationship. Was never pervy or checked out women. He seemed to have number of man crushes. He was a really bad kisser and never really wanted to watch Miss America pagents or Victoria Secrets swim suit shows. What do you think?

 

When we broke up he said “well you know I’ve always been sexually insecure.” As an excuse for our lack of sex life. Is this for real? Or is he gay?

Link to post
Share on other sites

He may be gay or he may have a low sex drive or something else. The thing is that trying to "diagnose" him is a waste of your time and energy. It's pointless. The important bit is that you two are incompatible and luckily he is no longer part of your life. If he has done this to other women, it's him, not you that has the problem. Wasting more emotional energy on trying to figure him out is pointless and a waste of your time. Just be thankful you escaped his toxic pattern. He was not enough for you. End of story.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

He may of been trying to keep up that image of being a straight man. He might of even been trying to be straight but realized he couldn’t do it or ultimately didn’t like it.

 

I feel for the guy because it’s sad when someone has such an inner issue or afraid of being who they are like that and feels that they need to hide it or be ashamed of it.

 

Honestly could be a low sex drive but in my opinion for that long I doubt it. Some people can be a little bi sexual but ultimately find one sex more attractive. Societal standards may confuse their choice on who they date and see but as far as attraction goes then... that can’t really be changed. He might be self conscious and have a hard time trusting or just maybe not into physical contact.

 

Don’t see it as something personal if he is gay. Sex is very important to a relationship it wouldn’t of worked out anyway. You’ll be fine.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree with Annia and also figureitout. I don't think what you mentioned means he's gay, however it does sound as though you're angry and still healing over the break up.

 

It's not a bad thing to go through the mourning stages, just don't stay there.

 

As someone else mentioned, whatever the problem was, you and he were not compatible and luckily you won't have to worry about him anymore or what his lifestyle choices are.

Link to post
Share on other sites

How do you define a man crush?....

 

Is he infatuated with Joe that runs past his house ever morning and he always comments on Joe's big package and tight butt, or a successful pubic figure.

 

If it's the latter, most straight men admire (sometimes passionately) other men for things like sporting prowess, business success or even general physical attributes.

 

Travis Pastrana is my man crush atm

; )

Link to post
Share on other sites
How do you define a man crush?....

 

What difference does it make other than gossip? He and she are over. What he does in his own time now, is his business, truthfully.

 

Op, you need to change your focus and concentrate on yourself, healing, and moving forward. It won't help resenting your ex and finding reasons to hate on him or put him down.

It will end up holding you back.

 

It really doesn't matter at this point if your ex is gay, straight, with someone else, or an alien. Let it go and move forward.

 

Better days are ahead for you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry this is happening but it's best not to make excuses for things ending or the demise that unfolded in front of you. The sooner you embrace that it is simply over and probably has been for a while, the sooner you'll heal.

So not only do I have had to deal with a very upsetting break up. never really wanted to watch Miss America pagents or Victoria Secrets swim suit shows. Or is he gay?
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I will change my focus, and yes it is over, but it provides closure as to why it didn’t work. It was him, not me in other words. Other things he did:

 

-See an attractive man seated across from us on a flight and would have to know who he was. This particular time it was a very well dressed, athletic, African-American and would talk about him days later;

-Took trips by himself before and during the relationship;

-Was very fussy about having flower arrangements in the house - would spend 30+ minutes arranging bouquets;

-Was super clean about his body and took Accutane as a teenager just so he would not get pimples. He only had 2 or 3 but begged the doctor anyway;

-Did not like me to wear heels because he did not like how women’s butts looked when worn;

-Was very fussy about home design. He was ordering white calf-skin rugs for our home during the break up;

-Had a crush on an attractive man at the gardening center, had to be served by him, went to visit him ofter and was visibly upset when he retired;

-Spoke about men like this: “now he’s a really good looking guy, isn’t he?” Never once spoke about women being beautiful;

-Turned me down 99.9% of the time when I tried to initiate sex and scolded me for thinking he could just “get in the mood.” Not sexual contact for the last 2 years of our relationship, however, wanted to hold hands in public;

-I never saw his eyes follow an attractive woman walking down the street. Even a super gorgeous one that could turn women’s heads;

-He came from a very Catholic family;

-Had an impeccable wardrobe-would get very upset when the cleaning lady folded his t shirts incorrectly;

-Was not at all sexual with his ex wire for the last 2 years of their marriage;

-was very clumsy sexually, like didn’t know what he was doing, kissing or touching;

-had erectile disfunction;

-Paid me money so I would never speak about the relationship;

-Drinks a bottle or 2 of wine a night to numb himself.

 

I could think of other examples, but this is a start.

Edited by sadchick83
Link to post
Share on other sites

Using trite stereotypes as rationale for the breakup will not help you heal or move forward. Alcohol and ED/decreased libido go hand in hand. Ed and lack of interest in sex go hand in hand. If he wanted to be with men he would be.

Edited by Wiseman2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Using trite stereotypes as rationale for the breakup will not help you heal or move forward.

 

Yes but knowing he is gay will help me move on and hope that he one day finds happiness with another man. If he came out I would support him 100%. Ever hear the quote: The truth shall set you free?

 

Everyone on this site should just move on, but part of moving on is gaining knowledge that will eventually lead one to mental peace.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Why would he waste his life being married, living with and dating women if 'he's gay"? Don't do this to yourself. Don't lie to yourself. Sour grapes may help you rationalize but you know you are kidding yourself.

Y The truth shall set you free?
Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree with Wiseman, a lot of the things you said have nothing to do with being gay.

 

Guys can be fussy, can enjoy flower arranging, they can be particular on folding laundry, they don't always have to stare at women.

 

It's silly, really. Men can be all those things and be completely straight.

 

Villainizing or blaming an ex in order to get over them isn't healthy. What makes more sense is just to admit to yourself that you and he didn't work, (for whatever reason).

Let it go.

 

I know where you're coming from, needing to blame, needing to heal by thinking it was him, not you.

I think everyone does that to some degree when a break up occurs.

But it's a useless exercise and you'll never really know 100%, so why waste your precious time and energy?

 

Let him go his way, you go yours , take a deep breath and move forward.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

He is a bit of a public figure that cannot come out. It would be career suicide for him. That’s why he leads a straight life and pays his exes not to speak. Why else would someone be paid to be quiet? Even my lawyer mentioned this was unheard-of and that he was hiding something.

 

Basically as a woman, I could not make him happy, not me as a person.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Catholics are gay? What?

 

Clean people are gay?

 

My husband is obsessively clean and Catholic and loves to wear scarves. I can assure you he is not gay.

 

Have you and your husband been intimate in the last 2 years?

 

Being from a Catholic family makes it a lot harder to come out. I did not say Catholic=gay.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Have you and your husband been intimate in the last 2 years?

 

Being from a Catholic family makes it a lot harder to come out.

 

My husband takes SSRI’s and I have Zero sex drive since going through menopause so no. We have not had intercourse in over 3 years but we ADORE each other.

 

But, I don’t think being a Catholic makes it harder than any other religion .

Link to post
Share on other sites
My husband takes SSRI’s and I have Zero sex drive since going through menopause so no. We have not had intercourse in over 3 years but we ADORE each other.

 

But, I don’t think being a Catholic makes it harder than any other religion .

 

You have a great relationship Seraphim. I admire that you adore each other. I would have had no issues staying with my ex if it was a medical issue. I agree that I should move on, but I kind of feel bad for my ex in that society won’t let him be his true self. If he was 10 years younger, maybe it would be possible.

 

Also, when we were breaking up he tried to assign blame to the fact that we didn’t have sex, when in fact, it was always me initiating. He never brought it up at any other time during the relationship. Also, he came from a very strict Catholic family. Being gay would not be acceptable. Actually his father and brother beat him growing up...perhaps they suspected something.

 

Believe it or not, there are a lot of folks that live closeted lives and wreck havoc on the lives of their spouses. Check out the site Straight Spouse if you are ever interested in the damage that can be done to those who are fooled.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
You have a great relationship Seraphim. I admire that you adore each other. I would have had no issues staying with my ex if it was a medical issue. I agree that I should move on, but I kind of feel bad for my ex in that society won’t let him be his true self. If he was 10 years younger, maybe it would be possible.

 

Also, when we were breaking up he tried to assign blame to the fact that we didn’t have sex, when in fact, it was always me initiating. He came from a very strict Catholic family. Being gay would not be acceptable.

 

Believe it or not, there are a lot of folks that live closeted and wreck havoc on the lives of their spouses. Check out the site Straight Spouse if you are ever interested in the damage that can be done to those who are fooled.

I understand that. I am not naïve just because I have a good relationship . Believe me I’ve had a very hard hard life .

Link to post
Share on other sites

Look, I get why you're looking to an answer as to why this relationship that your heart is broken over, ended. So, if it turns out that he's gay, then that means that the relationship ended because of X. X=gay. X could equal a lot of things, but if X = something, then that means it was doomed, and it was never going to work out anyway, and we can move on, because, well, X.

 

But I agree with the others that ruminating over all the reasons he could be gay is keeping you stuck. Not him. He's moving on.

 

Don't waste energy feeling "bad" for him because his Catholocism/society/whatever prevents him from being comfortable in coming out. He's not asking you for this energy. He's asking you for the peace to move on. In other words, it's simply not your place to feel "bad" about anything.

 

I get how much this hurts. I've been there! All the analysis in the world doesn't heal our hurt. My biggest hurt on the planet was several years ago, when he just left, after 2 1/2 years. I did the same thing....what's wrong with him, could it be this, could it be that. You know what's going on now? He's married now to someone else. Case closed. He just didn't want that life with me.

 

Even if it does turn out that he's gay, that still doesn't give you the right to the Aha! moment you're looking for. It's his life now, he wants to move on, without you.

 

As hurtful as that is, accepting the truth helped me, and accepting that this guy simply doesn't want that life with you will help you too.

 

As you said, the truth shall set you free. The truth is, he simply doesn't want this life with you.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

My ex is gay. When we were together we were extremely sexually active (he was my first, I wasn't his, we were in our early 20s) - we had great chemistry, always being affectionate, sexual, etc. He came out about 3 years after we broke up and he told me he was gay 10 years later when we met up for coffee. I was shocked. I didn't see "signs" but it explained some of his (non-sexual) behavior, his relationship history, etc. He's been with the same guy for over 20 years, married for ten, so happy. I am happy for him. I ended things with him but it was partly because of his coldness/distance - and no, his coming out to me didn't validate me in that way -only that it explained his conflicts maybe over commitment (although we broke up right after he proposed to me -I declined).

 

It's not that simple is my point.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...