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I need some perspective with my feelings, and I need to understand my wife. Can someone tell me what you think of this exchange?

 

 

Me: Please don't open the back door again, you've fed the cats many times this evening already. I'ts cold and raining and they are fine tucked in their beds on the back porch. (almost 10 PM)

 

Her: Well, 10 years ago you use to smoke. After having sex you would get up and go out the back door to smoke, leaving me(the wife) laying their naked and cold as the door opened.

 

Me: WT? does that have to do with anything? How is that relevant? 10 years after I quit smoking and you're throwing something back up in my face for no other reason than to make me feel bad for my past mistakes,,, so that you can get your way with cats on the back porch?

 

 

I got really upset at this exchange, our arguments seem to go in this direction more often than not. If there is an issue that we both don't agree on, I will state my side of the issue, then she will proceed to insult me or belittle me in some manner or another having nothing to do with the issue at hand. Her words are meant to hurt my feelings. No other reason that I can see. Come on, a few wives clue me in to what's going on with her? I love her and I want to understand her, but I am having a hard time accepting that her only motivation is cause me to get upset.

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When your wife says something like this, you say, "Yes, dear," and close the door. Something as minor as this does not need an argument. Stop fighting with her. And she's right, of course. So agree with her! Just say, "yes, dear." You've been married for 10 years, you should have learned this already.

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Pick your battles. Why harangue her over feeding the cats? Are you jealous of her cats? What is your point in starting this? Don't dish out what you can't take.

 

You started the nonsense and she reminded you how silly and argumentative your complaint is because you used to do the same stuff.

Me: Please don't open the back door again, you've fed the cats many times this evening already.

Her: Well, 10 years ago you use to smoke. After having sex you would get up and go out the back door to smoke, leaving me(the wife) laying their naked and cold as the door opened.

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She’s doing to you what you are doing to her...

 

“Please don’t open the back door again”

 

“You’ve fed the cats many times this evening”

 

“It’s cold and it’s raining and they are fine”

 

Her response IS relevant, IMO. She’s basically telling you to suck it up and drawing a clear parallel (with the first example that came to mind) of a time when she sucked it up for your enjoyment and pleasure. I’m sure if given lots of time to think, she could have come up with a different example. But this one was a clear parallel (opening the door, being cold). What she is saying is that sometimes we sacrifice our comfort for our partners when something is important to them, even if it’s not important to you.

 

I think marriage councilling is in order. It sounds like there is more going on in your marriage than the cats for you both to be approaching each other this way. There is a lot of underlying anger and aggression there.

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The cats have to sleep on the back porch in the rain? They can’t stay in the house?

 

That's what I was going to say , but I decided to be the diplomat and accept that we all look after our fur babies differently ...I am also a bit stoned Daisy so all is love right now :eek:

 

Anyway op . if my big lad , George , was on the porch , I would be on the porch holding his paw . Seriously I would be checking on my cats constantly if circumstance meant they slept in the porch .

 

Every reply you get will be relative to pet owners and how we care for them , you will be more confused then ever .

 

The end . Feel like I have been typing for hours .

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I'm wondering why your wife laid in bed naked and cold while you got up to have a smoke. Is she not bright enough to pull the covers over her?

 

My cats would be in the house, not in the back porch.

 

There seems to be a lot of passive aggressive arguing between both of you that needs to be sorted out.

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RedDress very much nailed it. You invalidated your wife's concern for the animal's well being while being selfish and self centered. Her retort to you was a relevant parallel that she put up with you doing something similar in the past and you should do the same for her now.

 

Overall, maybe pick your fights more carefully. Sounds like there is a lot of resentment in your marriage going on.

 

If it was really that cold and nasty, why weren't the animals indoors? If it wasn't that cold, why whine about it? I can't imagine that opening the back door was causing such a huge draft in the house that you were truly suffering. This whole thing was completely unnecessary and it was initiated by you. Don't start the fire if you can't handle the heat.

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I don't get why you care if she opens the back door.... what does that have to do with you or your feelings?

 

Also yes she was being passive aggressive and weird by bringing up the smoking thing.

 

The whole exchange makes no sense to me.

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Pick your battles. Why harangue her over feeding the cats? Are you jealous of her cats? What is your point in starting this? Don't dish out what you can't take.

 

You started the nonsense and she reminded you how silly and argumentative your complaint is because you used to do the same stuff.

 

Sorry, Wiseman2 but she doesn't have to bring up something that happened 10 years ago. Really? That's just stupid on her part IMHO.

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She’s doing to you what you are doing to her...

 

“Please don’t open the back door again”

 

“You’ve fed the cats many times this evening”

 

“It’s cold and it’s raining and they are fine”

 

Her response IS relevant, IMO. She’s basically telling you to suck it up and drawing a clear parallel (with the first example that came to mind) of a time when she sucked it up for your enjoyment and pleasure. I’m sure if given lots of time to think, she could have come up with a different example. But this one was a clear parallel (opening the door, being cold). What she is saying is that sometimes we sacrifice our comfort for our partners when something is important to them, even if it’s not important to you.

 

I think marriage councilling is in order. It sounds like there is more going on in your marriage than the cats for you both to be approaching each other this way. There is a lot of underlying anger and aggression there.

 

Sorry, but bringing up something that happened 10 years ago is so ridiculous. No need for that. .I agree that perhaps he should not have added the "you've fed the cats many times this evening." although, to me, her behaviour is annoying. But, that's just me.

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When your wife says something like this, you say, "Yes, dear," and close the door. Something as minor as this does not need an argument. Stop fighting with her. And she's right, of course. So agree with her! Just say, "yes, dear." You've been married for 10 years, you should have learned this already.

 

OK, you must be joking or being sarcastic when you say "she's right, of course". I agree it's minor but why does she have be so petty and retaliate with something like that? I agree with OP. He made a statement and she responds with something unrelated. And, something that happened 10 years ago??? That's just unnecessary. Also, saying "yes, dear", is very patronising. Sounds like he's walking on egg shells.

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Op: You said you want to understand her. Giving you enabling dialogue that makes this her fault instead of you both taking responsibility isn't going to help you to understand why she did what she did.

 

It doesn't sound like you are walking on eggshells to me. To me, it sounds like you just said too many words to get your way when a simple request would have sufficed. (example. "Can you stop opening the door, you're letting the cold in, luv) By going on and on about it, you put her in a defensive position which she reacted on the offense to.

 

Its a simple matter of learning to communicate what you want without elaborating like you did.

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I know people who feed feral cats or sort of adopted the neighborhood strays that came around and made it a permanent thing. So therefore, i am not going to choose that battle.

 

But i think if your wife is the primary caretaker of the cats, it shows she has concern for them to keep them fed and warm.

You should just not say anything about it.

 

I think what she said is because you probably kept bothering her to keep the door shut and she is very irritated at this point with you -- and it triggered a memory of when you were perfectly fine with the door being opened. Why are you such a baby about it now? Was her feeding the cats delaying her from coming to have sex with you or something?

 

I think you need to pick your battles

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OK, you must be joking or being sarcastic when you say "she's right, of course". I agree it's minor but why does she have be so petty and retaliate with something like that? I agree with OP. He made a statement and she responds with something unrelated. And, something that happened 10 years ago??? That's just unnecessary. Also, saying "yes, dear", is very patronising. Sounds like he's walking on egg shells.

 

Probably because he huffed and pouted or said something each time she went out there or opened the door and she had enough.

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Op: You said you want to understand her. Giving you enabling dialogue that makes this her fault instead of you both taking responsibility isn't going to help you to understand why she did what she did.

 

It doesn't sound like you are walking on eggshells to me. To me, it sounds like you just said too many words to get your way when a simple request would have sufficed. (example. "Can you stop opening the door, you're letting the cold in, luv) By going on and on about it, you put her in a defensive position which she reacted on the offense to.

 

Its a simple matter of learning to communicate what you want without elaborating like you did.

 

Or what about "here, let me help you" (carry 4 dishes of cat food so she doesn't have to make 4 trips and therefore the door gets closed sooner. What a novel idea)

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Or what about "here, let me help you" (carry 4 dishes of cat food so she doesn't have to make 4 trips and therefore the door gets closed sooner. What a novel idea)

 

I didn't read where she carried out one dish of cat food at a time, only that she "fed them many times." (which is odd in itself)

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I didn't read where she carried out one dish of cat food at a time, only that she "fed them many times." (which is odd in itself)

 

Well ---- that is what i was guessing. If she fed them many times -- what does that mean? She kept adding to a tiny bowl and it wasn't adequate each time? Or does he mean she "keeps feeding them" as in its an ongoing basis - twice day for the past month vs literally opening the door 20 times in 5 minutes. Hard to say. But if she keeps going out there, offering to help by carrying food out or "picking up a shift" by sometimes checking to see they have enough yourself is the opposite of complaining about someone opening a door

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