He asked me on a date an hour after we met!

[katrina1980]

Just curious about something to the guys mostly.

 

What if the OP (or any woman) had been legit busy? Ok, OP wasn't, but HE didn't know that; he had no idea what was going on in her brain (that she was turned off), I mean it's possible she could have had to work, right?

 

So because she had to work (which is what she told him), she lost her chance with him? I'm not getting that.

 

Or was it because she declined his invite but didn't offer an alternative? Like I said, some women don't realize they should, my friend didn't and the guy asked her out again!

 

I think in my friend's case, even though she did not offer another day, she sounded sincerely regretful that she was busy; he sensed that so felt comfortable asking again.

 

That's why I asked the OP what her text declining his invite said. Like did she come off cold and bytchy or what?

 

I dunno I just find it hard to believe a man who was truly interested would never ask a woman again just because she had to work or had previous plans.

 

I mean do guys really expect a woman to break previous plans to go out with him, and if she doesn't, that's it, she's done? Or call in sick to work or something so she could go out with him?

[nutbrownhare]

I mean do guys really expect a woman to break previous plans to go out with him, and if she doesn't, that's it, she's done?

 

It would have sounded like a brush off because it was her friend, rather than her, who started the whole thing about her being single; then it would have looked like she wasn't interested when she said she had to work, especially as she was quite abrupt with him by the sound of it.

[katrina1980]

It would have sounded like a brush off because it was her friend, rather than her, who started the whole thing about her being single; then it would have looked like she wasn't interested when she said she had to work, especially as she was quite abrupt with him by the sound of it.

 

Bolded, yeah that is why I asked her what her text said; we don't know how abrupt she was unless she tells us what it said.

 

Agree, she may have been, being she admitted she was "turned off" but that's just speculation. She may actually have been very nice when declining, simply telling him "sorry I have to work."

 

We just don't know.

 

And if a guy is gonna get all bent and never ask a woman out again because she declined his invite due to work (again he didn't know it was a lie), then I think she may have dodged a bullet.

 

JMO

[DancingFool]

Just curious about something to the guys mostly.

 

What if the OP (or any woman) had been legit busy? Ok, OP wasn't, but HE didn't know that; he had no idea what was going on in her brain (that she was turned off), I mean it's possible she could have had to work, right?

 

So because she had to work (which is what she told him), she lost her chance with him? I'm not getting that.

 

Or was it because she declined his invite but didn't offer an alternative? Like I said, some women don't realize they should, my friend didn't and the guy asked her out again!

 

I think in my friend's case, even though she did not offer another day, she sounded sincerely regretful that she was busy; he sensed that so felt comfortable asking again.

 

That's why I asked the OP what her text declining his invite said. Like did she come off cold and bytchy or what?

 

I dunno I just find it hard to believe a man who was truly interested would never ask a woman again just because she had to work or had previous plans.

 

I mean do guys really expect a woman to break previous plans to go out with him, and if she doesn't, that's it, she's done? Or call in sick to work or something so she could go out with him?

 

Generally speaking, it's not what you say but how you say it. So if you come across sincere and regretful, then yes, the guy will probably ask again even if you don't offer an alternative. That said, yes, a lot of guys will simply assume that you just aren't into them and are blowing them off. Especially so if your reply reads as curt and final.

 

Cute guys who are straightforward like that have plenty of options. They aren't going to chase after any girl playing hard to get or playing games period. They don't need to deal with that. You had a chance at a date, if you didn't accept it and take some kind of action to offer another date or indicate that you are definitely interested even if you can't meet him when he asked, then it's game over.

[katrina1980]

Generally speaking, it's not what you say but how you say it. So if you come across sincere and regretful, then yes, the guy will probably ask again even if you don't offer an alternative. That said, yes, a lot of guys will simply assume that you just aren't into them and are blowing them off. Especially so if your reply reads as curt and final.

 

Cute guys who are straightforward like that have plenty of options. They aren't going to chase after any girl playing hard to get or playing games period. They don't need to deal with that. You had a chance at a date, if you didn't accept it and take some kind of action to offer another date or indicate that you are definitely interested even if you can't meet him when he asked, then it's game over.

 

Absolutely agree with that! It's what I've been saying, in fact I posted same earlier.

 

 

2. What's more likely is how your text came across. You admit you were turned off, so if your text reflected that and was short and cold, then yeah, he got the message, hence the reason he hasn't texted or asked you out again.

 

My mom taught me something years ago -- it's not what you say, but how you say it.

 

 

Which again is why I asked OP to clarify for us what her text declining said.

[bluecastle]

Just curious about something to the guys mostly.

 

What if the OP (or any woman) had been legit busy? Ok, OP wasn't, but HE didn't know that; he had no idea what was going on in her brain (that she was turned off), I mean it's possible she could have had to work, right?

 

So because she had to work (which is what she told him), she lost her chance with him? I'm not getting that.

 

Or was it because she declined his invite but didn't offer an alternative? Like I said, some women don't realize they should, my friend didn't and the guy asked her out again!

 

I think in my friend's case, even though she did not offer another day, she sounded sincerely regretful that she was busy; he sensed that so felt comfortable asking again.

 

That's why I asked the OP what her text declining his invite said. Like did she come off cold and bytchy or what?

 

I dunno I just find it hard to believe a man who was truly interested would never ask a woman again just because she had to work or had previous plans.

 

I mean do guys really expect a woman to break previous plans to go out with him, and if she doesn't, that's it, she's done? Or call in sick to work or something so she could go out with him?

 

If I say, "Hey, great meeting you yesterday—what do you say about a glass of wine Friday night?" and she says "I'm working" I'd probably take that as a bit of a brush off and/or the beginning of some kind of cat-and-mouse stuff that I'm too bored to play. That stuff happens over the apps a bit too, where I have little patience for a long back and forth, and tend to cut to the chase pretty quick. When I notice the question of meeting up is ignored, but the texts keep coming, I'm already drifting away.

 

If she says, "Great meeting you too! I'd love to, but I'm working" then I'll continue to engage, because we seem to be on the same page, so, you know: how's Saturday or Monday?

 

Given OP's cynical tone—is he a player?—I'm left to believe she put up a hard wall, hoping he'd claw up and over it, or perhaps she's more comfortable with more texting. Well, then say that. I asked someone out over an app many months ago. She asked for my Instagram, adding "lil rule before meeting in person." Strange rule? Maybe. But I respected it—no games, just her boundaries.

[maew]

Praise the lord jeebuz if someone I liked straight up texted me and asked me on a date I would LOVE that! If he thought you were brushing him off that's probably why he didn't text you again. Sometimes guys go to the extreme not to be pushy or aggressive... that doesn't mean the door is closed though.

 

You might want to send a follow up message letting him know you are indeed interested in going out with him (if you are) and is he open to picking an alternate date? He may or may not respond but at least then you will know.

[katrina1980]

 

Given OP's cynical tone—is he a player?—I'm left to believe she put up a hard wall, hoping he'd claw up and over it, or perhaps she's more comfortable with more texting. Well, then say that. I asked someone out over an app many months ago. She asked for my Instagram, adding "lil rule before meeting in person." Strange rule? Maybe. But I respected it—no games, just her boundaries.

 

True bc, but again, unless she returns and tells us exactly what she said -- words, tone, attitude etc., that's all just speculation.

 

There is a lot of false bravado on this and other forums, and on line in general -- people being brash, having an "attitude," when in real life, they are the exact opposite.

 

It doesn't appear OP will be returning though, so I guess we'll just never know.

[Nicol17]

To all guys

I Heard Guys like challenges!!

Do guys want girls to act aloof even if they are interested? but then most guys I talk to say they hate games... so what exactly is the "challenge" that you are talking about?

[nutbrownhare]

Some guys like challenges - that's if they're more interested in the chase than actually having a relationship. Only problem with this is that once they've 'won' the girl, they lose interest and are on to the next. So if you don't mind being dumped, then carry on and act aloof.

 

If you play games, you'll attract people who also like to play games. If you don't, you won't. It really is that simple!

[katrina1980]

To all guys

I Heard Guys like challenges!!

Do guys want girls to act aloof even if they are interested? but then most guys I talk to say they hate games... so what exactly is the "challenge" that you are talking about?

 

Interesting observation!!

 

In fact, there are two separate threads running right now started by two guys who appear to be head over hills for women who are clearly disinterested -- running away and/or treating them like utter crap -- rude, insulting, disrespectful.

 

Yet, these guys are asking us how they can "turn it around" or, in one case where the woman blocked him, if he should leave her a voice mail!!

 

I actually asked one guy what he found so intriguing about her, the challenge?

 

He has yet to respond.

 

Boggles the mind.

[j.man]

To all guys

I Heard Guys like challenges!!

Do guys want girls to act aloof even if they are interested? but then most guys I talk to say they hate games... so what exactly is the "challenge" that you are talking about?

It's not a matter of a "challenge." The biggest stretch you could make is perhaps the very generalized quality of some people, regardless of sex, to want what they can't have. But that isn't the norm nor should it really have any consideration in healthy dating dynamics. Men tend to respect women as peers a whole lot more than we're given credit for, at least as far as courtship goes. This includes preferring women who have their **** together and who don't need a guy jumping through hoops simply for the benefit of her self-esteem getting a boost, which I'd venture to guess is the case the vast majority of the time women insist on the whole "challenge" bit. No guy wants to be made the center of a woman's world, ideally ever, but especially not right off the bat. Healthy men want to know you've got your own personal, social, and professional complements to bring to the table. Not that you'll be riding the coattails of his. Someone who's too available typically comes off as the opposite to that objective. And no healthy guy is going to be terribly enthused about a woman who by all counts seems to be waiting for the next available moment not to be single. Still, none of that comes with playing games or introducing some exceptional "challenge."

 

You yourself admit most guys you've talked to say they don't like the games. This guy hasn't played along with your game. So, yeah, at this point you're gonna believe simply for wanting to believe, but I'd encourage you to expand your intellectual horizons. I know I'm a broken record with the tagline, but if you want to play the rabbit being pursued or the prize to be won, don't at all be surprised when you're discarded once the chase or challenge is over.

[Batya33]

I mean isn't it common sense and not just about dating? I've been working on making new friends in my newish city for years and I wouldn't dream of saying a flat "no" to anyone who asked if I wanted to get coffee or go to lunch unless I wasn't interested at all. I always show my appreciation at the offer and then suggest an alternative date/days or if I can't be specific at least "next week might work better and I should know by ____ - can I let you know?" On the flip side if I get a flat out no I might follow up but I likely won't.

 

I would have been fine if a guy asked me out right away -happened at times -as long as it was for a proper date -meaning, in public and well-intentioned, etc.

[katrina1980]

 

I mean isn't it common sense ….

 

I asked that in an earlier post too!

 

Yeah, you'd think so, or hope so -- unfortunately, apparently not for some women (I know a few).

[boltnrun]

To all guys

I Heard Guys like challenges!!

Do guys want girls to act aloof even if they are interested? but then most guys I talk to say they hate games... so what exactly is the "challenge" that you are talking about?

 

Hopping into bed with them on the first date = no "challenge".

 

Acting cagey because you think he'll think it's cute? NOT a "challenge".

 

Seems like you expected him to continue to pursue you, to chase you. And when he didn't, you're disappointed.

 

Be straightforward with people. It makes life a lot simpler.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, you heard wrong. Smart guys with many options are not going to waste their time on a flaky headaches they don't need.

 

You got the response you deserve for playing stupid games. Seeya! and.....silence. By now he's moved on to someone who is secure and mature enough not to be that silly.

I Heard Guys like challenges!! most guys I talk to say they hate games

[Jibralta]

he txt me hi beautiful can I take u on a date Friday. it kinda of turned me off how straight forward he was, he didn’t even try to make a conversation or anything soo I told him I couldn’t because I had to work ( I really had to work that day)

 

Honestly, that would probably turn me off, too. You could have offered an alternative day, but maybe it was best that you didn't, because he clearly isn't trying that hard. Sounds like he's just casting a bunch of lines and seeing what bites. All he really did was look cute and call you beautiful. I doubt you're missing out on anything here.

[Annia]

Just curious about something to the guys mostly.

 

What if the OP (or any woman) had been legit busy? Ok, OP wasn't, but HE didn't know that; he had no idea what was going on in her brain (that she was turned off), I mean it's possible she could have had to work, right?

 

So because she had to work (which is what she told him), she lost her chance with him? I'm not getting that.

 

Or was it because she declined his invite but didn't offer an alternative? Like I said, some women don't realize they should, my friend didn't and the guy asked her out again!

 

I think in my friend's case, even though she did not offer another day, she sounded sincerely regretful that she was busy; he sensed that so felt comfortable asking again.

 

That's why I asked the OP what her text declining his invite said. Like did she come off cold and bytchy or what?

 

I dunno I just find it hard to believe a man who was truly interested would never ask a woman again just because she had to work or had previous plans.

 

I mean do guys really expect a woman to break previous plans to go out with him, and if she doesn't, that's it, she's done? Or call in sick to work or something so she could go out with him?

 

When someone doesn't suggest an alternative date it gives the impression that they're not interested. Let's say she was busy/implied she is... She should've suggested an alternative time to meet if she were interested.

[Batya33]

Honestly, that would probably turn me off, too. You could have offered an alternative day, but maybe it was best that you didn't, because he clearly isn't trying that hard. Sounds like he's just casting a bunch of lines and seeing what bites. All he really did was look cute and call you beautiful. I doubt you're missing out on anything here.

 

Yes, I wouldn't have liked the "hi beautiful" because it's not my style/thing - I was responding as if she wanted to go on a date with him and if so how to express interest even if that day doesn't work.

[Nicol17]

To the people who asked it went like this

 

Him .. (1st message ever from a stranger)-hi beautiful canI take u out on a date Friday ?

 

Response - Heyy Hi (his name )I actually can’t on Friday I have to work changed the subject

 

Expectation ...iníciate a small conversation like - hi how are you

It was nice meeting you , etc or. you seem like a nice girl , or I would like to get to know u better , can we continue our conversation over coffee? Or something like if you work Friday how about x day what days are u free!

 

Yhea now that I think about it I was turn off and rejected him without even realizing

I think intuition really kicked in like one of you pointed out

Wasn’t even thinking about playing hard to get lol

Anyway no big deal just like he moves on to the I’m moving on to

 

 

Thanks for all the comments and advice you guys are amazing!!

[figureitout23]

Yes, I wouldn't have liked the "hi beautiful" because it's not my style/thing - I was responding as if she wanted to go on a date with him and if so how to express interest even if that day doesn't work.

 

Right. I don’t care for the pet names before you even know me game either but let’s call a spade a spade.

 

It was a turn off but she was still fully prepared to jump into a game of cat and mouse with him and when he didn’t bite that ‘turn off’ turned into ‘I really like him!’.

 

This dude might be bad news but she’s got some stuff to work on too.

[figureitout23]

When someone doesn't suggest an alternative date it gives the impression that they're not interested. Let's say she was busy/implied she is... She should've suggested an alternative time to meet if she were interested.

 

I think what Kat was saying is not everyone knows/does that.

 

The truth is a lot of the rules that are gold on here simply don’t exist in the real world. If I were to ask my friends in the real world if it’s a ‘rule’ you give an alternate date they’d look at me like what the hell are you talking about?

 

Like blue said it’s all about how you say it. There’s a huge difference between ‘ no I have work’ and ‘ Aw man, I’m sorry, I have work that day.” I’m not a dude, but as a woman who asks men out, option one Im saving my ego and taking the hint, option two, I’m going to take that they’re genuinely still interested but busy.

[Wiseman2]

Rapport is developed in person on a date, not through nonsense texting. If you need a specific script as silly as these or a text buddy, don't expect dating to go well for you.

 

Why turn down the obvious "get to know you" over dinner, no less, not just a crappy coffee meet? Wake up and smell the coffee..lol

Expectation...initiate a small conversation like

 

hi how are you It was nice meeting you , etc

or. you seem like a nice girl ,

or I would like to get to know u better , can we continue our conversation over coffee?

Or something like if you work Friday how about x day what days are u free!

[j.man]

While it's not my style and I'd admit a bit forward, it's not like he OLD cold messaged her with "hi beautiful." They'd already engaged in some small talk in person before. It's an innocent enough flirt I think any of us would be receptive to when given by someone we had met and were interested in. In any case, OP seems more upset with him not using text as a conversational medium than him complimenting her.

[Nicol17]

Rapport is developed in person on a date, not through nonsense texting. If you need a specific script as silly as these or a text buddy, don't expect dating to go well for you.

 

Why turn down the obvious "get to know you" over dinner, no less, not just a crappy coffee meet? Wake up and smell the coffee..lol

 

I don’t believe txt is nonsense, He clearly used a txt message to ask me out!

A txt can lead to a phone call and is a good way to have an idea of him , if he is respectful etc.

The point is as a girl is better to be careful with whom we go out to .

To me will be uncomfortable to go to dinner with someone I just met

But with a little bit more interaction perhaps the situation would have been different

For girls we take a lot of time getting all pretty and prepared for date and I think is better be sure before waisting time !!

Plusss there is a lot of thirsty, crazy people out there