He asked me on a date an hour after we met!

[katrina1980]

Kat..you always challenge people's opinions. You're notorious for it instead of just sticking to trying to help the OP.

 

Perhaps but posters constantly challenge me too (before I do), so I respond. And I don't see it as "challenging" - just giving my opinion/perspective, again as we all do and have been doing on this thread and others.

 

Can we please put this to rest now Sherry? I think enough has been said.

 

If you have further to say to me, please send me a PM. Thank you.

[SherrySher]

No one does this more than you.

 

Anyhow OP, you don't like the guy, then don't date him.

 

Enough said.

[90_hour_sleep]

Kat..you always challenge people's opinions. You're notorious for it instead of just sticking to trying to help the OP.

 

Ya. It's called a forum. Kind of the point.

[Jibralta]

That particular kind of flirting doesn't work for me and feels objectifying -like being called "honey" in a patronizing way by a stranger.

 

Yeah, I hate that.

 

I don't think it has to do with "if a woman is interested she'll like that kind of greeting"

 

Agreed.

[purplepaisley]

Rapport is developed in person on a date, not through nonsense texting. If you need a specific script as silly as these or a text buddy, don't expect dating to go well for you.

 

Why turn down the obvious "get to know you" over dinner, no less, not just a crappy coffee meet? Wake up and smell the coffee..lol

 

I disagree. I think good rapport can be built through texts and emails BUT it's that in-person meet that solidifies it...or does just the opposite. So, yes, in person is the best way, but some texts or emails (via online dating app, as an example) are good starters or ice-breakers. On the opposite end, you may find the texting style or conversation is less than the best, but you are intrigued by their profile and pictures or you simply plan to follow through on a plan or promise, so you decide to follow through on that date/meeting and find that the guy/girl is just a crappy texter and so much better in person. It can go in any direction.

 

The problem is the perpetual texting. This is quite possibly when you fall into situation with a catfisher, someone who is married or partnered, someone who's just bored, or someone who isn't ready or able to actually pursue a relationship. I fell into this perpetual texting when I first started with online dating, and we lived close to each other and had similar schedules, so there was really no reason to not meet up and date, but there was something going on with this guy; he just wouldn't. At that point I determined, no meet, no text. I'm fine if it has to push out for a week, maybe two, but more than that, forget it.

 

For the OP, she had already had a good connection in person, so some texting between that conversation and the date could have kept that momentum going and given her the time to get to know him a little better beforehand...it could have sunk her expectations just the same. They "hey beautiful" was a bit too cheesy for me and more of a come-on than the immediate asking out, but that wouldn't have been a deal-breaker for me.

 

I think what Kat was saying is not everyone knows/does that.

 

The truth is a lot of the rules that are gold on here simply don’t exist in the real world. If I were to ask my friends in the real world if it’s a ‘rule’ you give an alternate date they’d look at me like what the hell are you talking about?

 

Like blue said it’s all about how you say it. There’s a huge difference between ‘ no I have work’ and ‘ Aw man, I’m sorry, I have work that day.” I’m not a dude, but as a woman who asks men out, option one Im saving my ego and taking the hint, option two, I’m going to take that they’re genuinely still interested but busy.

 

If I remember, I think I'll put this to the test and ask some of my coworkers about this tomorrow. I will return and report.

 

I agree, there is a big difference between "I have to work" (crickets) and "I'm sorry, I have to work that night. I wish I could." One puts a hard stop while the other wedges a foot in the door.

[katrina1980]

 

I agree, there is a big difference between "I have to work" (crickets) and "I'm sorry, I have to work that night. I wish I could." One puts a hard stop while the other wedges a foot in the door.

 

Great point pp! And I agree.

 

Which is probably why men have asked me out again before I knew about the alternative date rule and why my friend's boyfriend asked her out again too.

 

Not using those exact words but words to that effect.

[mustlovedogs]

Its not an alternative date rule - honestly it’s common sense.

 

If I don’t want to see someone, I don’t offer up a second date. The end. Friends, relationships, family, whoever.

 

But if I DO want to see someone, I’ll be excited about the prospect and naturally offer up another date.

 

It’s strange to me this is a debate.

[katrina1980]

 

Its not an alternative date rule - honestly it’s common sense.

 

Well tbh I'd never heard of it until joining a forum similar to this back in early 2015, but admit I was quite dense about proper dating protocol when younger (early-mid 20s), and probably lacked some basic common sense too.

 

And as long as I'm owning my *, I probably had a bit of a self-entitlement attitude back then too.

[Batya33]

Its not an alternative date rule - honestly it’s common sense.

 

If I don’t want to see someone, I don’t offer up a second date. The end. Friends, relationships, family, whoever.

 

But if I DO want to see someone, I’ll be excited about the prospect and naturally offer up another date.

 

It’s strange to me this is a debate.

 

Strange to me, too. Works that way with playdates too (or whatever they were called in the 1970s -not playdates, but yes, now) - you always suggest an alternative if you really want the children to be able to play together. For example.

[figureitout23]

"It’s strange to me this is a debate."

 

*joins debate by giving opinion*

 

[itsallgrand]

She didn't like the way he asked = bad sense/bad feeling (i.e. her intuition).

Which I've felt too, on many occasions and have declined dates. Again, it's not what you say but how you say it, and that's true for men too in the way they choose to ask a woman out.

 

Not sure I agree that she was waiting for him to ask her "correctly" but it's possible!

 

 

 

Yes I would too, but that's cause women don't typically ask men out first (at least I don't), and when they do, if the guy is interested, he'd be jumping all over it.

 

Wrong or right, men typically pursue and women have been conditioned to expect that if a man is interested, he will ask her out again if she declines because she has to work or has otherwise made previous plans before he asked.

 

Ideally, she should suggest another time, but not all women know they're supposed to do that.

 

Only speaking for myself, I've always been viscerally repulsed by men who keep coming at me after being declined. I don't like aggressive pursuit. It never occurred to me to have an expectation that men would keep trying after brushed off and that it showed how interested he was. To me, it was a filter for boarishness. I don't think you have to do anything to get those guys to keep trying- some just will.

If that's the gauge for interest, it's funnelling out a lot of good guys. And funnelling in a lot of crap, imo.

[SherrySher]

Seriously guys, why indulge her. I understand what you're saying. I think the same thing has been said over and over and in many different ways. But I don't think the message is or will get through.

 

Not even sure if OP is here anymore.

[purplepaisley]

I think what Kat was saying is not everyone knows/does that.

 

The truth is a lot of the rules that are gold on here simply don’t exist in the real world. If I were to ask my friends in the real world if it’s a ‘rule’ you give an alternate date they’d look at me like what the hell are you talking about?

 

Like blue said it’s all about how you say it. There’s a huge difference between ‘ no I have work’ and ‘ Aw man, I’m sorry, I have work that day.” I’m not a dude, but as a woman who asks men out, option one Im saving my ego and taking the hint, option two, I’m going to take that they’re genuinely still interested but busy.

If I remember, I think I'll put this to the test and ask some of my coworkers about this tomorrow. I will return and report.

 

Return and report for those interested. I asked some of my younger, 20-something coworkers what they would say if a guy they were interested in asked her out and they were unavailable at that time due to prior plans or work. Unanimously they said they would kindly decline with a reason and offer an alternative even if it was, "but maybe another time," which is vague but an interest just the same. While I find "maybe another time" a bit brush-off-ey, and could hinder another ask, they were considering making sure there was a window by offering an alternative. I find it a little strange that someone wouldn't even consider offering an alternative, whether it's a guy/girl they like and a date was extended or going out with friends.

[katrina1980]

True Confessions:

 

I think in my case (late teens/early to mid-20s) and I touched on this yesterday, it had more to do with self-entitlement more than anything else.

 

Owning that.

 

Not sure how I developed such a sense of entitlement, maybe from my dad who was extremely doting, my being the only girl with five brothers, but thankfully I moved away from that!

 

I will also admit that having that attitude did cause me to lose a few boyfriends (or guys I dated) back in the day, not even realizing at the time why.

[Capricorn3]

Thread has run its course.