Sadgirl782 Posted October 2, 2018 Share Posted October 2, 2018 Hello, I'm in a relationship for 8 months now with my boyfriend. We are moving in together at the end of the month but I have some concerns. I've tried addressing these with him but he always just tells me 'soon' or when the time is right things will change. The problem is I feel like he's keeping me separate from other important parts of his life and if we're ready to live together then why is he keeping me separate? 1. He has a 4 year old daughter, divorced 3 years ago from her mother. I can't meet her because he says he doesn't want to stir the pot with her mother (they are finally getting along in co parenting after a rocky 2 years after divorce) 2. Most holidays and major events he goes to include his daughter and or mutual friends of his ex. The majority of the times he goes out for an evening I can't come because there will be someone there who's also friends with his ex and he 'doesn't want to upset her'. 3. I keep trying to get him to meet my parents but he always backs out at the last minute. The latest was we were going over to my parents for dinner tomorrow night but he backed out because he see's no point in rushing it and 'wants the time to be right'. My question is why does he want to live with me before he feels comfortable incorporating me fully into his life? I've met a few of his friends but not the majority because they are also friends with his ex. He doesn't have any family here and both his parents have passed so understandably I haven't met any of his family. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted October 2, 2018 Share Posted October 2, 2018 Why move in together? Because it's very nice and convenient for him to come home to a warm body who will cook, clean, keep him company and have sex with him. Unfortunately, that's all you are to him at this point in time. His emotions are elsewhere and he is demonstrating that to you very clearly and his ex wife and her feelings and their disjointed life is still very much #1 in his life. In your shoes, I wouldn't move in with him and I'd actually walk away from him. He very much isn't ready for any kind of a healthy, meaningful relationship, but he will use you for basic creature comforts. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted October 2, 2018 Share Posted October 2, 2018 The latest was we were going over to my parents for dinner tomorrow night but he backed out because he see's no point in rushing it and 'wants the time to be right'. My question is why does he want to live with me before he feels comfortable incorporating me fully into his life? First and foremost, 8 months is too soon to live together. The fact that he can state that all the above is too soon and not the right time, yet thinking that living together is ok is not right. Tell this guy that you will be willing to move in with him after which time you are fully incorporated into his life and not before. Why does he want to live with you now? Because you are willing to do it. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted October 2, 2018 Share Posted October 2, 2018 Hopefully you don't move in together. He is treating you more like a mistress than a gf. 8 mos is too soon to move in, in general and if he refuses to integrate other areas of life in particular. Why does he want to rush moving in? To defray his costs and ensure sex? -he doesn't want to stir the pot with her mother (they are finally getting along in co parenting after a rocky 2 years after divorce) -The majority of the times he goes out for an evening I can't come because there will be someone there who's also friends with his ex and he 'doesn't want to upset her'. -we were going over to my parents for dinner tomorrow night but he backed out because he see's no point in rushing it and 'wants the time to be right'. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted October 2, 2018 Share Posted October 2, 2018 Moving in with this man will be a huge mistake. Don't do it. Link to comment
Sadgirl782 Posted October 2, 2018 Author Share Posted October 2, 2018 Yea I'm worried he's taking advantage of me. He'd be paying half of everything which is basically the same amount he's paying now in his current living situation but as Dancingfool said 'Because it's very nice and convenient for him to come home to a warm body who will cook, clean, keep him company and have sex with him' And I'm worried it will just be this until he finds someone he thinks is better. I don't want to be just a convenience for him. I want to try and have one more serious discussion about this before I walk away. I'm in love and it's so hard to see clearly, all I have is this tiny voice in my gut telling me something is off. Link to comment
melancholy123 Posted October 2, 2018 Share Posted October 2, 2018 I think he's playing you. Do you know for sure he does not live with his wife full time? He's treating you like a mistress who needs to remain a secret. Can you not see that? Dont move in with him. 8 months is way too soon and it doesnt matter if he pays half, and why would you believe that when he wont even let people know he's dating you? He gets to get laid and go live his life however he wants. Maybe with his wife. I think you are a side piece. Link to comment
Sadgirl782 Posted October 2, 2018 Author Share Posted October 2, 2018 Well... he's slept at my place every night for the last three months. His ex lives an hour and a half away in another town. I've been to his place several times and met his roommates.... Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted October 2, 2018 Share Posted October 2, 2018 This all seems like a very convenient arrangement that works to his benefit. On the other hand the terms are making you very uncomfortable. Value yourself more, expect more for yourself. I personally wouldn't be dating anyone on these terms after 8 months, let alone consider living with him. Link to comment
DanZee Posted October 2, 2018 Share Posted October 2, 2018 OK. So basically he's been living with you, but apparently you don't have enough room for him so he wants you to move to a larger apartment so he can have more space and fewer roommates. And nobody knows he's dating with you. This is all very creepy. You knew something was wrong because that's why you're posting here. And now it's just got weirder! Link to comment
Sadgirl782 Posted October 2, 2018 Author Share Posted October 2, 2018 Hey DanZee, we're not getting a new apartment, he'd just be moving into my place. Yikes, the overwhelming consesus here seems to be not only should I not allow him to move in but I need to break it off and have more respect for myself... Link to comment
Sadgirl782 Posted October 2, 2018 Author Share Posted October 2, 2018 I mean obviously I had a feeling something was off but no idea it was this bad... Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted October 2, 2018 Share Posted October 2, 2018 Hey DanZee, we're not getting a new apartment, he'd just be moving into my place. Yikes, the overwhelming consesus here seems to be not only should I not allow him to move in but I need to break it off and have more respect for myself... Or a compromise. Tell him that whenever he decides `it's time' to incorporate you fully into his life, you might then consider allowing him to move in. But in the meantime, believe you deserve better. Link to comment
DanZee Posted October 2, 2018 Share Posted October 2, 2018 Hey DanZee, we're not getting a new apartment, he'd just be moving into my place. Yikes, the overwhelming consesus here seems to be not only should I not allow him to move in but I need to break it off and have more respect for myself... See it from his point of view -- he's getting a new apartment! Unless you're moving into his apartment. I just get the feeling this guy is a loser. I wouldn't be hiding my girlfriend unless I had something to hide. Link to comment
bluecastle Posted October 3, 2018 Share Posted October 3, 2018 I agree with the overwhelming consensus here—this is not the time to move in—but I think some the mistress-y stuff is a little harsh. Something about this dynamic is off. Not because I say so, or others do, but because of that gut feeling you have. That gut feeling doesn't go away through cohabitation, but through a level of communication that you two have clearly failed to establish. Whether you can, or not, remains to be seen. But now is the time to see, so you can decide if you want to move further with this at all, for your own worth and value. What I see here is a man who is deeply afraid of confrontation, and a little stuck too stuck in a past life to fully inhabit his present. That's not to say he has unresolved emotional feelings for his ex, but that chapter remains complicated—he's more fixated on not rocking the boat than anything else, and your relationship and emotional health is the casualty of that preoccupation. I wonder how long this has been going on, meaning how long you've had this little feeling of off-ness. I don't quite see him as loser, but this is the mark of weak character. Maybe you've been giving it all time to "come around," which, hey, is fine. Maybe that "worked," for a time. But now it no longer works. Now is the time to set some real boundaries, if your emotions are even still there. Let him know that the current state of things is not working for you, and as such moving in is not happening. Put your truth out there, knowing that whatever happens is actually the thing you want and need right now. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted October 3, 2018 Share Posted October 3, 2018 Why are you moving in, or dating someone who is keeping you a secret??? I would not date this guy, much less move in with him. I don't get it. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted October 3, 2018 Share Posted October 3, 2018 "he backed out because he see's no point in rushing it and 'wants the time to be right'" This is ridiculous. The rushing bit, is moving in together. I'm curious as to where he lives now? Bottom line, you are a secret. You will always be on the periphery of his life. You should not allow people to treat you like this! Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted October 3, 2018 Share Posted October 3, 2018 Yea I'm worried he's taking advantage of me. He'd be paying half of everything which is basically the same amount he's paying now in his current living situation but as Dancingfool said 'Because it's very nice and convenient for him to come home to a warm body who will cook, clean, keep him company and have sex with him' And I'm worried it will just be this until he finds someone he thinks is better. I don't want to be just a convenience for him. I want to try and have one more serious discussion about this before I walk away. I'm in love and it's so hard to see clearly, all I have is this tiny voice in my gut telling me something is off. That tiny voice in your gut is the truest voice of all voices. It is your survival instinct trying to protect you from a hurtful situation. Listen to it. If you felt valued by him, you'd not worry that you are convenient. If you felt --- that is a different thing than saying how he feels . Even if he weren't dismissive? How YOU feel is your number #1 guide - else, why bother? Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted October 3, 2018 Share Posted October 3, 2018 You can have a "serious discussion" but in the 8 mos of dating he has somehow seen you as desperate and gullible enough to put up with all this, and move in together no less. Just walk away. You can talk all you want but he'll still wipe his feet on you, even more so if you move in You have set a precedence of being a doormat by acquiescing to being treated like he's slumming with a mistress who's kept secret.. I don't want to be just a convenience for him. I want to try and have one more serious discussion about this before I walk away. Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted October 3, 2018 Share Posted October 3, 2018 So when his kid comes over, will you have to hide in a closet? Don't move in - HUGEST mistake ever for you! Link to comment
Sadgirl782 Posted October 15, 2018 Author Share Posted October 15, 2018 Ok everyone. It just keeps getting worse. We have not moved in together. I stalled that because I was on the fence about continuing this relationship. Please be kind in any advice you may have for me on my current situation because this is very difficult. I'm pregnant. I found out a couple of days ago. My world is crashing down on me. I haven't told him because I know he will be furious and devastated and I can't handle his negative reaction on top of everything else i'm dealing with now. We did discuss our thoughts on having kids hypothetically a couple of months ago and I will quote what he said. 'I don't want any more children any time soon. You will regret it if you get pregnant and we will resent each other for the rest of our lives. Also you need to know if that happens and you tell me, I am against abortion because of my religion. I can't have that mark on my soul' end quote. I'm struggling on whether or not to even tell him and just end the pregnancy along with the relationship. He is not capable of taking responsibility in any way other than opposing my ending the pregnancy. We are both struggling financially. He's barely able to keep up with the child support for his kid from the previous marriage and struggles to find time to even see his child due to his long work schedule. We do use protection every time but the condom broke. I wasn't on the pill anymore because my doctor advised me not to be on it for health concerns last year. I had to drop my health insurance because it went up yet again for this year and there was no way I could afford it. I don't qualify for medicare or any assistance as I'm just above the governments threshold. I just don't see a happy ending here in any direction. How do I support myself through a pregnancy with no health insurance and then raise a child by myself while working full time? I'm in debt. I have no family or support nearby. My parents died years ago. Really struggling here. Link to comment
Honeycomb8 Posted October 16, 2018 Share Posted October 16, 2018 I'd get an abortion. I'm sorry to hear you're struggling sigh. He sounds like an arsehole. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted October 16, 2018 Share Posted October 16, 2018 You control your body and choices, not him. He doesn't want kids, he treats you like dirt so why continue? He won't feel sorry for you, he won't help you, he won't stay just because you're pregnant.. If you want misery, poverty, abuse, then tell him and stay with him. If not, get to some counselling and start taking better care of your physical and mental health as well as improving your life circumstances. This jerk is not going to turn into prince charming with this news and suddenly want a happily ever after family with you. I'm pregnant. I found out a couple of days ago. he said. 'I don't want any more children any time soon. You will regret it if you get pregnant and we will resent each other for the rest of our lives. He is not capable of taking responsibility in any way other than opposing my ending the pregnancy. How do I support myself through a pregnancy with no health insurance and then raise a child by myself while working full time? I'm in debt. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted October 16, 2018 Share Posted October 16, 2018 How do I support myself through a pregnancy with no health insurance and then raise a child by myself while working full time? I'm in debt. I have no family or support nearby. My parents died years ago. Really struggling here. I would strongly recommend that you consider adoption, should you decide to continue with the pregnancy. Link to comment
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