Insecure as f

[SherrySher]

It wasn't so long ago that the "rules" dictated a man didn't even contact you til three full days had passed. Remember?

 

The "rules" also were after a first date, not sex. And I personally have never followed rules. I would think if two people decided to have sex, they'd be close enough or connected enough that there would be romance or excited to see each other..even if it was for coffee the next day or day after.

 

I'd personally feel like it was a slap in the face to actually have to ask the guy for a date almost the week after and have him so no, he's too busy.

 

But that's just me.

[bluecastle]

Wow. This is so way harsh.

 

It hasn't even been three full days yet since I saw him. He has initiated texts on every single one of those days, in addition to texting me within an hour of leaving (ie as soon as he got home after our date).

 

It wasn't so long ago that the "rules" dictated a man didn't even contact you til three full days had passed. Remember?

 

He works full-time, he has his kids full-time, he is also trying to get a music career up off the ground, and he works out a lot (former pro athlete, which I got the benefits of the other night). He's busy. He's been single a long time and isn't sitting around waiting for a woman to fill up all his waking moments.

 

I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt. I've seen nothing to suggest he is a "player", and plenty to suggest he is a decent person, and whilst I was absolutely smitten with him physically, my initial connection with him was more in terms of discussing parenting and values - my daughter is the same age as his two oldest so we had a fair few things in common - and so on.

 

It's entirely possible that he is only texting me to be polite, it's also entirely possible that he is texting me cos he likes me. Just because I felt insecure doesn't mean he's actually done anything wrong. And whilst I might want to see him straight away, doesn't mean I expect him to drop his entire life to suit me, especially when he's trying to chase his dreams.

 

In fact, I would go so far as to say I'm quite sure he does like me. And so long as I just sit back and don't do anything spectacularly stupid, this could be the start of something really awesome.

 

I agree that it's on the harsh side, though of course I respect your opinion SherrySher.

 

OP, I'd focus on the fun part here. You had hot sex, which was awesome, because hot sex is awesome. And, yeah, it's triggering a spin, as it does. I've been in those spins, triggered those spins, know them well—hold on tight! Still, that connection was real. That happened.

 

What happens next? Who knows? The sex has escalated expectations, but try not to think of it in those absurd, antiquated "rules" terms. Like you had a nice first date, which is actually all you've had, albeit a REALLY nice first date. If it was two drinks and a kiss you'd also be spinning, but less fast, but for the same reasons.

 

He's engaging with you, you're feeling each other out. Let it unfold. Sex is not currency, not a carrot to dangle in the game of dating, but an awesome thing people share. And a loaded thing. Complicated. Always the right time, never the right time, the great mystery that gets us quaking. Celebrate it as that and maybe the spins slow down.

 

Maybe there's more with him on the horizon—more sex, more connection, more everything. I hope so for you, because I hope that for everyone. But if not? You'll be fine, too.

[smittenkittn]

Thanks Bluecastle :)

 

I think you're right, its better just to take it slow a bit, see how things unfold a bit, there hasn't been any rush up til now so why start rushing things now!

 

I'm definitely glad that, even though I love that rush from good sex, I'm really that the chemical rush I always get - the oxytocin - seems to be subsiding and I can think a bit more rationally again. It feels a lot calmer and more stable, which of course is how I've always been towards him previously.

 

And like you say, hopefully there's more to come, but if not, it's not the end of the world. There are plenty of other men out there, and probably others who are more compatible in other ways (even if I really like this one!) I'll keep you updated, thank you for the encouragement xx

[SherrySher]

I agree that it's on the harsh side, though of course I respect your opinion SherrySher.

 

I don't see it as harsh. I see it as another perspective. After all, she did come on and ask for everyone's opinion and we are all giving our opinion depending on how we see it.

Nothing wrong with that.

 

I also think we have different expectations and what we will accept or not accept.

I for one, wouldn't be okay with a guy essentially blowing me off after we had sex. Yes, I realize he texted but in my mind..that would be blowing me off.

I would hope for better.

I would be happier with seeing him in person or him wanting to see me (within days). It would say to me that he was feeling as into it as I was.

 

I love all the romantic gestures, even flowers the day after or sweet messages. Again, it lets me know how he feels and that we are on the same track as each other and that he is into me.

I wouldn't be okay with quick texts and finally having the courage to ask for a second date and him saying he was too busy.

 

But we are different women have different expectations and experiences.

[Wiseman2]

This is the best approach. Let him initiate from now on.

I'll just leave it up to him to make next move, if any.

[itsallgrand]

To me, if someone is quick to get into bed, I figure they are fine with casual. Get to you when I am in the mood to sort of thing.

 

I would expect he'll get back to you about actually seeing you when/if the mood strikes him and it's convenient.

 

I don't think Sherry was harsh at all. I find it downright weird to lead with sex then be bummed the person isn't jumping to date you in a regular fashion. I don't think he's clueless .

[SherrySher]

Thank you, Grand, much appreciated.

 

I just try to give my opinion on things, no harm is meant.

[smittenkittn]

Well a week has passed and this is what happened;

 

I got drunk and thought it’s be a great idea to text him and tell him everything I like about him, but that I didn’t know how he felt. Then promptly thought “ oh no what have I done!!” , turned my phone off and didn’t look at it til the next day.

 

He’d replied, said he really liked me too and that it’s hard to find a girl like me who’s so nice and easy going..... of course there was a “but”, the “but” was that he’s so busy and it’s not fair on me etc etc..... which really did feel like an easy let down.

 

But no harm done. We’re still friends, he definitely doesn’t hate me or anything, and I don’t feel any regrets.

 

In the interim, my ex seems to be finding all sorts of excuses to contact me, which is tugging at my heartstrings real bad, even tho I know that’s probably not a great idea, and I’m going out for dinner wth another guy on Friday who seems very nice and who knows how that could turn out?

 

I’ve actually started losing interest in the first guy now, he really did release the video (which WAS really good) but seems to be completely obsessed with his music to exclusion of everything else. Which i guess is exactly what he told me.

 

Few lessons learnt here, firstly I can’t differentiate between genuine emotion and chemicals after I have sex so I should wait til I really know how I feel about someone first; secondly there’s no harm in letting someone know that you really like them, even if it’s not reciprocated fully, noones going to hate you for fancying them.

[Batya33]

I don't think there's harm done for sharing what you feel about them - they won't hate you unless you share that in a manipulative or game playing way -but I would think the standard maybe should be- don't share your feelings unless you think there's a decent chance the recipient is also interested in you in that way because if he is not, you might feel even more hurt/vulnerable for putting yourself out there to someone who couldn't be bothered to ask you out again. Also you chose to get drunk and then chose to contact him when drunk and probably overwhelmed him with too many words, TMI - if you really do like someone then maybe consider the timing and type of sharing you're going to do. He was tactful in his reply which is nice and if I were you I wouldn't stay in touch as friends unless you want to hear about who he is dating or trying to date - that is what friends often discuss.

 

I'm sorry you were disappointed and it sounds like you had a fun night and enjoyed having sex with him. Hope you continue to meet people and meet someone who returns your level of interest.

[katrina1980]

 

I got drunk and thought it’s be a great idea to text him and tell him everything I like about him, but that I didn’t know how he felt.

 

sk, at the risk of sounding judgmental (not my intention) you didn't mention this as one your lessons learnt, but probably best to curb the drinking a bit, and if you're inclined to tell a guy how you feel about him, do it while sober and not drunk.

 

From what I understand about men, they don't look too favorably on girls/women getting "drunk." A few drinks here and there, a bit of a buzz, no problem.

 

But getting drunk suggests lack of discipline, loss of control = not cool, turn off.

 

Sorry didn't mean to lecture, but too often I read about many young women (and men) getting "drunk" which never leads to anything good or positive. In fact, just the opposite in many cases.

 

Best of luck moving forward. :)

[Honeycomb8]

Casual sex with someone you literally just met very rarely leads to something meaningful.

[itsallgrand]

Yeah... I know I asked before, but do you think any of this impulsive behaviour could possibly be fuelled by grief?

 

You said this isn't usual for you, that's why I ask. Sometimes people behave a bit recklessly after a death. A casual encounter, the drinking... are you alright?

[smittenkittn]

sk, at the risk of sounding judgmental (not my intention) you didn't mention this as one your lessons learnt, but probably best to curb the drinking a bit, and if you're inclined to tell a guy how you feel about him, do it while sober and not drunk.

 

From what I understand about men, they don't look too favorably on girls/women getting "drunk." A few drinks here and there, a bit of a buzz, no problem.

 

But getting drunk suggests lack of discipline, loss of control = not cool, turn off.

 

Sorry didn't mean to lecture, but too often I read about many young women (and men) getting "drunk" which never leads to anything good or positive. In fact, just the opposite in many cases.

 

Best of luck moving forward. :)

 

 

Oh it wasn’t VERY drunk. Two drinks, enough to make me brave, not so much to turn into a nutter.

 

I’m not sure, I used the same “technique” to ask for a pay rise and a month later my boss gave me an extra $10k..... apparently I’m quite nice when I’m tipsy.

 

I don’t have a drinking problem :)

[smittenkittn]

I don't think there's harm done for sharing what you feel about them - they won't hate you unless you share that in a manipulative or game playing way -but I would think the standard maybe should be- don't share your feelings unless you think there's a decent chance the recipient is also interested in you in that way because if he is not, you might feel even more hurt/vulnerable for putting yourself out there to someone who couldn't be bothered to ask you out again. Also you chose to get drunk and then chose to contact him when drunk and probably overwhelmed him with too many words, TMI - if you really do like someone then maybe consider the timing and type of sharing you're going to do. He was tactful in his reply which is nice and if I were you I wouldn't stay in touch as friends unless you want to hear about who he is dating or trying to date - that is what friends often discuss.

 

I'm sorry you were disappointed and it sounds like you had a fun night and enjoyed having sex with him. Hope you continue to meet people and meet someone who returns your level of interest.

 

I’m not worried. He hadn’t dated anyone else in three years, god knows why...... he’s not about to suddenly turn into a casanova and rub it in my face now.

 

Friends is fine.

[katrina1980]

Okay thanks for clarifying. I didn't mean to suggest you had a drinking problem, but your post said you were drunk which suggests more than two drinks, hence my post.

 

Did you really consume alcohol during working hours prior to asking your boss for a raise? I dunno, this might suggest a bit of a problem or leading to one, but I won't go there, it sounds like you have a good handle on things so leaving this one alone!

[smittenkittn]

Yeah... I know I asked before, but do you think any of this impulsive behaviour could possibly be fuelled by grief?

 

You said this isn't usual for you, that's why I ask. Sometimes people behave a bit recklessly after a death. A casual encounter, the drinking... are you alright?

 

Lol, no I’m fine. My grandad was old, he had a good life and he was ready to pass over.

 

And a few drinks isn’t reckless behaviour. A single one night stand - six months after breaking up with my ex of four/five years - isn’t really a pattern of behaviour. Some would say it was about time I got laid!!!

[smittenkittn]

Okay thanks for clarifying. I didn't mean to suggest you had a drinking problem, but your post said you were drunk which suggests more than two drinks, hence my post.

 

Did you really consume alcohol during working hours prior to asking your boss for a raise? I dunno, this might suggest a bit a problem or leading to one, but I won't go there, it sounds like you have a good handle on things so leaving this one alone!

 

No!!! Lol, I went drinking with them after work :)

[itsallgrand]

Lol, no I’m fine. My grandad was old, he had a good life and he was ready to pass over.

 

And a few drinks isn’t reckless behaviour. A single one night stand - six months after breaking up with my ex of four/five years - isn’t really a pattern of behaviour. Some would say it was about time I got laid!!!

 

Ok, glad to hear it. Not really knowing the circumstances, I thought I might ask. Take care.

[Capricorn3]

He’d replied, said he really liked me too and that it’s hard to find a girl like me who’s so nice and easy going..... of course there was a “but”, the “but” was that he’s so busy and it’s not fair o me netc etc..... which really did feel like an easy let down..

Sounds like a guy who had some fun on a first "date" .. kinda like "hit it and quit it" scenario. He no doubt knew he was "sooo busy" before he had sex with you. Maybe a lesson to be learned here.

[figureitout23]

Okay thanks for clarifying. I didn't mean to suggest you had a drinking problem, but your post said you were drunk which suggests more than two drinks, hence my post.

 

Did you really consume alcohol during working hours prior to asking your boss for a raise? I dunno, this might suggest a bit a problem or leading to one, but I won't go there, it sounds like you have a good handle on things so leaving this one alone!

 

Often times I think drunk texting should be renamed buzzed texting and it should be defined as " the act of doing something you know you probably shouldnt so you do it and blame it on alcohol"

 

 

Oh it wasn’t VERY drunk. Two drinks, enough to make me brave, not so much to turn into a nutter.

 

Lowered inhibitions, but still completely aware of actions.

 

And a few drinks isn’t reckless behaviour. A single one night stand - six months after breaking up with my ex of four/five years - isn’t really a pattern of behaviour. Some would say it was about time I got laid!!!

 

OPer, you arent the first women and you wont be the last to go down this road, its how most of us learn casual sex isnt for us, myself included.

 

Hold your head high, you learned a valuable life lesson.

 

Make sure you've learned it though explaining your actions as 'oh I texted him while drunk and slept with him on a whim' then explaining it as thought out actions can be confusing

 

I absolutely read everything you did as thought out. You led with sex. Many do and many fail miserably because many men have clued into it and use it to their advantage to get an easy lay. So if you are going to live your life being ok with that continue, if not, you are a big girl and you know what changes to make. Onward and upward.

[smittenkittn]

Sounds like a guy who had some fun on a first "date" .. kinda like "hit it and quit it" scenario. He no doubt knew he was "sooo busy" before he had sex with you. Maybe a lesson to be learned here.

 

Tend to agree. Mostly those types will keep “hitting” it without committing, as and when it suits them, so I’m glad I told him how I felt; it means I can just move on now without wondering.

[Batya33]

Tend to agree. Mostly those types will keep “hitting” it without committing, as and when it suits them, so I’m glad I told him how I felt; it means I can just move on now without wondering.

 

So then are you that type too? Doesn’t sound like it. You were there too. You chose to have sex not knowing if you’d want to see him again. No strings attached. It doesn’t mean he won’t commit or that he typically has one night stands - just like you perhaps he has one night stands once in awhile and would be open to committing to the right person. He never promised even to see you again.

[smittenkittn]

So then are you that type too? Doesn’t sound like it. You were there too. You chose to have sex not knowing if you’d want to see him again. No strings attached. It doesn’t mean he won’t commit or that he typically has one night stands - just like you perhaps he has one night stands once in awhile and would be open to committing to the right person. He never promised even to see you again.

 

Why do you have to have such a judgemental tone? “He never even promised to see you again”. How do you know? I didn’t recount every detail of our conversations on here; why would I!?

 

No, he didn’t say “I promise I’ll see you again”, but he did say he’d texted me once he got home (which he did), and we did talk in very general terms about stuff we should do in the future. And he did continue to initiate conversations with me, after the fact..... so who knows.

 

Yes, perhaps he just doesn’t like me. Or perhaps he really is busy, or perhaps his life is a mess and he’s embarrassed of it all, or perhaps he’s still hung up on his ex. Or perhaps he did like me but he got scared at the thought of relationship after so long on his own.

 

Truth is no one knows except him, and possibly he isn’t really even sure. It doesn’t actually matter, the end result is still the same, and I’m far more interested in giving someone new a chance, than hanging around waiting for this guy to decide what he wants.

[Batya33]

I found your assessment of him as some sort of type who has one night stands and cannot commit judgmental. If he’d promised to see you again and made a time and place plan and then blew you off I would think he was acting like a jerk whether or not you chose to have sex with him.

 

I didn’t need to know every detail because from what you wrote I was quite sure he hadn’t asked you out again - if he had you wouldn’t have chosen to drink text him - you simply would have asked him if the plans were still on. Seemed clear to me that you had a lot of fun with him and lot of fun having sex and wanted to see him again but he went silent. Didn’t make plans.

Often women who regret having casual sex label the guy in negative ways as you did just because after she agrees to causal sex he doesn’t then ask her out again. Certainly men can make those comments too if they’re rejected but my experience is they more often women lie to themselves about being comfortable with a potential one night stand when they are not because they get attached. As you seemed to. Then in your more recent post you clarified that of course he could be a person who is ready for a relationship and simply didn’t think you two were compatible.

Of course there’s nothing to wait for. There never was. Once you leave without palms for another date just assume there’s no other date. Then if he calls or if you ask him out and he enthusiastically accepts at that point you see him again.

 

What is there to wait for without a plan to get together again? I don’t think he was scared - that’s really rare - I don’t know - when I wasn’t asked out again I simply assumed he wasn’t into me and tried not to let it affect me personally or my ego. Much cleaner way of moving on because far less risk of being jaded or cynical by telling yourself men are scared of commitment or have sex and “use” women etc. I also did not have causal sex - for health reasons and because i knew I’d get attached and have a far greater risk of getting too bitter and not being the right person - a positive person who genuinely likes and basically trusts men- to find the right person for marriage. You said you needed to get laid after 6 months without - given your reaction maybe consider that having a one night stand or casual sex isn’t for you. Even though it’s fun and he had a good body. Down sides aren’t worth it.

 

I’m glad you’re moving on.

[katrina1980]

 

Yes, perhaps he just doesn’t like me. Or perhaps he really is busy, or perhaps his life is a mess and he’s embarrassed of it all, or perhaps he’s still hung up on his ex. Or perhaps he did like me but he got scared at the thought of relationship after so long on his own.

 

Truth is no one knows except him, and possibly he isn’t really even sure. It doesn’t actually matter, the end result is still the same, and I’m far more interested in giving someone new a chance, than hanging around waiting for this guy to decide what he wants.

 

sk, I really love your attitude. Super realistic and healthy. And I very much agree with above quote too and will add one.

 

Perhaps he's sitting on this, contemplating what he wants to happen, where he wants it to go, and will circle back with you later, should he decide to give it a whirl (not necessarily just sex).

In my experience, it's not uncommon for some guys to "pull back" after first time sex especially if they have not been in a RL in a long time. Does not mean they don't care, the opposite, they DO care and are nervous, uncertain and need some "space" and time to sort it out.

 

I hope catfeeder (a poster on this forum) doesn't mind my stealing her signature phrase, but it's quite apropos so will post it. It's for you sk.

 

"Try backing off. It seems to be a well kept secret how many wonders occur and problems straighten out when we do nothing but leave someone alone."

Best advice ever!!