Insecure as f

[figureitout23]

That would be good advice if he didn’t already tell her he wasn’t interested. He gave her the ‘too busy’ line. So I agree with everything Bat said in this instance.

 

It was a one night stand.

 

She ended up feeling vulnerable.

 

Waiting around for him to come around is an option, but I think taking the facts that are there for face value and learning from them is a much better option.

[Batya33]

I think if a person wants to keep another person interested after an intense date - whether it was sexual or just intense so that the person feels overwhelmed - the person is going to let the other person know “hey - had a great time and I just needed to think about things a little - totally understand if you are out there meeting other people but I will get in touch soon and hopefully you’ll still be interested “ certainly won’t say “too busy” or risk going silent and letting the other person assume lack of interest

[katrina1980]

I dont think she should *wait around* either, on the off chance he might circle back later.

 

I think she should continue to meet and date other men and if she meets a man, there is a mutual attraction and they both want a relationship, then go for it!

 

But what OP had with this guy was so casual, that if she were to remain open should he reach out later, I think that's okay too. Heck, *she* may have lost interest by then anyway!

 

Who knows what he has going on in his life right now, perhaps later the timing will be better. He never lied or made any promises after all.

 

Remaining open and waiting around - two different things.

 

I don't know, I like to remain open to all possibilities while at the same time, meeting, dating orher men, and just living my life.

 

I don't think it's smart or healthy to ever wait around for a man. Ever!

[figureitout23]

I agree. I dont think the guy did anything wrong. I think were pretty much saying the same thing.

 

 

I think the most important things for her to do is to decide what her boundaries are. Be open to possibilities, but know what you will and will not accept and what you are and are not ok with. I think that will enhance her dating life exponentially. It sounds like she has been able to brush her shoulders off about this, live and learn. Which is awesome, lets be honest, nothing bad happened! Im sure she will be ok.

[katrina1980]

 

I think if a person wants to keep another person interested after an intense date - whether it was sexual or just intense so that the person feels overwhelmed - the person is going to let the other person know “hey - had a great time and I just needed to think about things a little - totally understand if you are out there meeting other people but I will get in touch soon and hopefully you’ll still be interested “

 

certainly won’t say “too busy” or risk going silent and letting the other person assume lack of interest

 

B, I gotta disagree with you.

 

He may not know how he feels at the moment, or what he wants, hence his *too busy* -- so to tell her he needs to "think about things and will get in touch soon" is totally misleading, he may NOT want to get in touch soon or ever!

 

Right now for whatever reason, he's not up for pursuing it. Who knows why, like OP said only he knows.

 

But the door is always open should things change.

 

I don't think OP is assuming he's not interested, she said herself there could be any number of reasons why he doesn't wish to pursue further right now.

 

I think her attitude is fantastic! She's not shutting the door, but yet she's not gonna *wait around* for him either!

[figureitout23]

Kat do you think leaving the door open leaves her at risk to falling into a FB situation where shes convincing herself there will be more?

 

Totally hypothetical, but wouldnt you say him reaching out again for another ONS, is probable?

 

I know you talk about push/pull and men needing to pull back. I might be the odd man out, but the only time I experienced that is with a FWB who definitely did not want a relationship. Sharp decline in convo, not scheduling another date... its never happened. One or the other...ok...but both?

[katrina1980]

Yeah it's possible. But this is where her standards and boundaries come into play.

 

IF he does circle back later (massive IF) don't be so quick to jump into bed with him. Plan things outside the house. This is assuming she wants a relationship and not another ONS or FB.

 

She'll know soon enough what his game plan is, and if he continues to push for sex, and she wants more, then next him.

 

Simple as that really. It's up to her.

 

Edit: All my long term boyfriends "pulled back " at certain times. I think it's fairly common actually, FB's certainly don't have the market cornered on that.

 

If done right, a little push/pull, a little distance can be a good thing, and can *add to* the relationship in a positive way.

 

It has in my relationships anyway. The key is to not freak out but try to understand it.

 

JMO! :)

[smittenkittn]

Look this guy aside, one thing I’ve learnt in life is you really can’t assume anything about another person’s motives.

 

I briefly dated a guy a few years back, he seemed all keen, suddenly he went cold, and I got a similar line about being such a nice girl but he’s got so much crap in his own life right now, etc etc

 

Fast forward 18 months later, run into him again...... turns out, he really did. His ex wife had found out he had met someone else (me) and decided to drop a bombshell about being pregnant and saying it was his. He couldn’t be sure either way until the baby came out and it was a different colour to him. Either way, he was an absolute mess, so stressed out with it all and not wanting to get back together with her, but also not wanting custody battles if it WAS his baby.

 

Unfortunately for him, I’d moved on by the time he told me all of this, but it definitely answered my questions.

 

I don’t know if this other guy had some terrible drama too, or whether he just doesn’t want a relationship with me, or with anyone, and the truth is it doesn’t matter. I’ll take him at face value, that he does like me, but his life is too busy at the moment. There’s no point reading a personal rejection into it, what would that achieve?

 

It’s easy for us to think “oh he doesn’t like me cos I was too easy” or “I’m too fat” or “he thinks I’m needy” or “he just wanted to tap and gap”. But that’s all conjecture and speculation.

 

I’m more interested, now, in seeing where things go with my date this weekend.

[figureitout23]

Good point Kat. Sorry my response to her went through before I knew the OPer responses

 

OPer while I completely agree it’s useless to look down on yourself or to view your situation as negative. That’s counterproductive and harmful. At the same time I also think telling yourself ‘he would have dated me if he wasn’t so busy’ is just as harmful.

 

What’s so wrong with taking the facts that were presented to you and learning from them?

[katrina1980]

Like I said sk, you've got the right attitude.

 

Stay with that, and you'll do okay, more than okay!

 

You sound flexible and open to any and all possibilities, which is the best attitude to have while navigating this crazy dating scene.

 

Best of luck and have fun on your date this weekend!

[smittenkittn]

Good point Kat. Sorry my response to her went through before I knew the OPer responses

 

OPer while I completely agree it’s useless to look down on yourself or to view your situation as negative. That’s counterproductive and harmful. At the same time I also think telling yourself ‘he would have dated me if he wasn’t so busy’ is just as harmful.

 

What’s so wrong with taking the facts that were presented to you and learning from them?

 

Because the only facts I have really, are that we met each other, had great chemistry which ended up in sex, that he was texting me frequently for several days afterwards, but as the week progressed those texts became slightly less intense, and then when I drunk-texted him his response was to say he did really like me too but he was sorry, he’d been so busy.

 

And on re-reading it, the text is more an apology for having BEEN busy (along with explanations of how he’d been busy, which all sounded perfectly valid) rather than a dismissal of being too busy in the future.

 

So there wasn’t any real rejection per se. Just slackness, “excuses” and apologies. It might be completely genuine. But honestly, I’ve lost interest myself.

 

Re the probability of him coming back to try again, well it’s probably more likely than not. I haven’t done anything terrible, we’re still friends on social media, both single and he definitely finds me attractive. But I would rather spend my energy on someone who treasures and cherishes me. That giddy emotion, when you’re first falling in love, and both want to spend every moment together, is just too damn wonderful and I don’t want to settle for less.

[SherrySher]

And you deserve that.

 

But remember, advertising companies, (especially for movies) know how the human mind works. They don't lay everything out right away. They give teasers first. You can see a bit of what the movie will be like but then have to wait.

They build up the excitement. People respond to having mystery, excitement, a build up.

 

If you throw it all on the table in one go after a few dates, 9 times out of 10 there's nothing left to work up to and everything deflates.

 

It IS nice to have the romance, to hold hands first, to cuddle, to miss each other between dates, to have the flirtatious messages and to make all of that last as long as you can, because it really is so short lived.

Sex can most definitely wait and it is much better if there is a genuine connection and affection that has been created first. That can't be created within such a short time period.

 

I hope the next time around when you decide to date again, goes better for you.

[smittenkittn]

Thanks Sherry :)

 

I hope so too! And I have a good feeling, like it’s just around the corner for me :)

[Batya33]

That giddy emotion, when you’re first falling in love, and both want to spend every moment together, is just too damn wonderful and I don’t want to settle for less.

 

 

Yes and that can happen -and last (often in a different form over time, but it lasts) - even more often when you're willing to do what Sherry Sher suggests - that feeling if based on reality can come later (or instantly, but later too). Don't settle for just that feeling based on only knowing that he can carry you from room to room, for example and that he's good in bed. The great chemistry did not end up in sex -you chose to have sex with him. Nothing wrong with that at all -keep doing that as long as you know the personal downsides of doing that for you - sometimes it will be worth the upsides, sometimes not- up to you but it's always a choice not because of alcohol or hormones or how big his body is, etc.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately agree it was the "it's me not you" let down. It may be time to block an ex if it's confusing you. I disagree that you should "confess" how much you fancy someone unless you are in an established and mutually understood situation. Strive to be a gf not a fan who has a school girl crush.

my ex seems to be finding all sorts of excuses to contact me, which is tugging at my heartstrings.

 

there’s no harm in letting someone know that you really like them, even if it’s not reciprocated fully, noones going to hate you for fancying them.

[smittenkittn]

Unfortunately agree it was the "it's me not you" let down. It may be time to block an ex if it's confusing you. I disagree that you should "confess" how much you fancy someone unless you are in an established and mutually understood situation. Strive to be a gf not a fan who has a school girl crush.

 

No, I don’t want to block the ex. I loved him so much and always will, even if I can’t see us ever working out.

 

He had an actual drinking problem. It was the root cause of a lot of issues in our relationship, and his attempts to sober up never lasted more than a few weeks..... it’s been so nice to be able to enjoy a few drinks myself without worrying how it would affect him. Also was nice to have sex again - our sexlife was practically nonexistent by the end.

 

But after we split, he’s put himself through rehab, has moved 500km away to break contact with his old drinking buddies, is heavily involved in AA now and is 5 1/2 months sober (we split 6 months ago). Many of the things I always “wished” he would do, so it’s bittersweet. But mostly I’m just happy for him.

 

You share a lot with someone over 5 years, there’s a lot that he was there for me, and vice versa, stuff that’s quite deep and personal and hard to open up to other people about. I think we both know we can’t be each other’s best friend or confidante anymore. But there’s still some bond.