I cheated on someone I love

[DancingFool]

I'm 100% with j.mann on this one. OP, you have no right to cheat and then dump your guilt on this girl. None. Some people get past being cheated on, others carry the damage for life and it affects all their future relationships.

 

OP, STOP lying to yourself about how much you love your gf or that you are in any way or form ready for a serious committed relationship. You are not. Your gf left town and you literally jumped into another woman's bed the second your gf was gone. You don't love her, you are enjoying the charade, the idea of a relationship. You aren't ready for a committed relationship, you want to sow wild oats and I will add that there is nothing wrong with that. It's what you should be doing at your age.

 

Keep what you've done to yourself and hopefully grow from that, become a better man. Do your gf a huge favor and end the relationship with her and tell her the actual truth that you don't really love her like you should. Yes, it will hurt her, but it won't destroy her the way that knowing that you cheated on her will.

[Pleasedonot5]

I disagree. I think being dumped because someone doesn't love you hurts about as much - especially when they start seeing someone else. Knowing someone cheated on me would help me get over them. They made the choice to end it by doing that.

 

The truth will set you (and your partner) free.

[MissCanuck]

I think if OP intends on trying to stay with his girlfriend, she is owed the truth.

 

He hasn't yet clearly indicated if he prefers to just end it, or try to work things out. If it's the latter, I could not in good faith recommend he hide this from her. I believe those suggesting he avoid confessing are assuming he's going to end it anyway, which he hasn't said he will.

[BecxyRex]

This is definitely an interesting conversation. Personally, I'd be thrown much more off guard if my partner told me he just stopped loving me. I think that would shatter my trust and self esteem more than him cheating and expressing remorse.

 

I've never cheated nor have I been cheated on, so I can't speak from experience on that one, but I do think that a boyfriend "slipping up" due to some outside factor is an easier pill to swallow than him telling me he stopped loving me. I mean, both are terrible, but in the end to me, sex is just sex, whereas an emotional connection with another woman, or no emotional connection with me anymore, would be harder to deal with.

[SherrySher]

I personally think cheating is far worse. It makes a person question their worth and if they are not as good as the person their partner cheated with.

It destroys their trust and faith in people.

It makes them question who is actually being loyal to them, for the rest of their life.

 

So much damage.

 

On the one hand, it would almost seem like OP was running away from his responsibilities to just dump this girl and not admit to what he's done.

On the other hand, j.man has a point, it will cause irreparable damage that can be quite life changing.

[DancingFool]

I personally think cheating is far worse. It makes a person question their worth and if they are not as good as the person their partner cheated with.

It destroys their trust and faith in people.

It makes them question who is actually being loyal to them, for the rest of their life.

 

So much damage.

 

On the one hand, it would almost seem like OP was running away from his responsibilities to just dump this girl and not admit to what he's done.

On the other hand, j.man has a point, it will cause irreparable damage that can be quite life changing.

 

^This and I've come across too much of that destruction. Just recently I went on a date with a seemingly nice man. Date was going great, then he made a very odd random comment about wanting to check my house to be sure I'm really single.....what the..... After prodding him a little bit about that, turns out he got cheated on 15 years ago and obviously still not really over it. Major baggage, distrust, etc. I had to walk away from him because I have no desire to be punished for what some other woman did to him so many years ago. Cheating causes serious major damage and too often people carry it forward with them for life.

 

OP, your gf didn't deserve what you did and she sure doesn't deserve to deal with the aftermath. Leave the relationship gracefully and take the cheating part to your grave. You do not get the right to cause more damage than you have already done. Enough is enough.

[Honeycomb8]

This is definitely an interesting conversation. Personally, I'd be thrown much more off guard if my partner told me he just stopped loving me. I think that would shatter my trust and self esteem more than him cheating and expressing remorse.

 

I've never cheated nor have I been cheated on, so I can't speak from experience on that one, but I do think that a boyfriend "slipping up" due to some outside factor is an easier pill to swallow than him telling me he stopped loving me. I mean, both are terrible, but in the end to me, sex is just sex, whereas an emotional connection with another woman, or no emotional connection with me anymore, would be harder to deal with.

 

Cheating actually is the single worst thing you can do in a relationship. It makes you second guess yourself and never feel 100% trusting in a relationship again. I think there will always be a tiny, minuscule or bigger part that has some sort of paranoia after.

[BecxyRex]

Cheating actually is the single worst thing you can do in a relationship. It makes you second guess yourself and never feel 100% trusting in a relationship again. I think there will always be a tiny, minuscule or bigger part that has some sort of paranoia after.

 

I was thinking about this some more, and I see your point. I understand it's devastating. I think I was imagining myself in the situation and would rather work through it with my partner, than him dumping me out of guilt. We do have a child though, so I realize it's completely different from the OP.

I'd never thought about someone ending a relationship without mentioning the cheating, but it seems to make more sense, if I think about it.

[Barely81]

I've always maintained that the only thing more selfish than the act of cheating itself is not carrying the guilt on your own shoulders afterward. Whether someone "deserves" to know and subsequently have their sense of trust absolutely demolished within their current relationship and most likely future relationships is its own debate. Personally, I think the safer bet is people deserving not to be with a cheater, in which case, fabricate an excuse and dump them with their sense of trust still relatively intact.

 

You're not married, there are no kids in the picture. What reason do you have to very potentially inflict such a mental blow on her? You didn't even have the basic "courtesy" to at least cheat on someone who's completely isolated from your personal life, thereby keeping the incident completely with you to securely choose to keep as a one-off she'd never know about. So, to be honest, the only responsible and loving solution in my mind is to dump her, keeping it to yourself, and not giving this "friend" any future incentive to share it with her.

 

I have to agree here, for me, in the end I'd rather not know because of the havoc it will have on future relationships. If the person deserves to hear the information at least it should come from the cheater and not another person second hand.

 

As far as breaking up, that's tough. She doesn't deserve to be cheated on, but people do stupid things that they regret. If you are truly sorry, don't do it again and really evaluate the relationship and what you are able to handle/not handle at this stage of your life.

[DissyLu]

After much deliberation, I agree with j.man and DancingFool

 

Ignorance is bliss in this situation AS LONG AS OP BREAKS UP WITH HER. I can speak from experience about the effects cheating has. I've been cheated on by two ex's. It look me 2 years and 10 months into my current relationship to finally be at peace with trusting my bf. I suffered serious damage that I wouldn't wish on anyone. Thankfully, my relationship has survived and recovered from my trust issues but many don't.

 

"I know she loves me and will do ANYTHING to stay with me. Even if it means being miserable, self conscious, and heartbroken with me."-OP

 

I also want to add that the OP's attitude about his gf casting away her self respect to be with him despite his cheating is disgusting. He literally thinks she would rather be with him and be miserable than be on her own. That is OP degrading, disrespecting, and devaluing his gf by insisting she'd stay with him and be a shell of a person just because he deems it to be so.

 

I think something is very off with OP. Yes, people cheat. But when someone cheats, they should have the respect and decency to let their partner go. Instead, OP would rather see his gf suffer in their relationship than be happy on her own or with someone else. I found all of that to be very disturbing and I'm questioning the OP's mental health as well as his intentions because of it. He sounds like a partner who could potentially do some serious damage to a woman either physically or emotionally.

[Honeycomb8]

Nah he's just an immature self absorbed guy. He lacks self control and is selfish. That's why he did it. Now it's too late but he definitely needs to break him with the gf.

[boltnrun]

If he truly believes his girlfriend will stay with him no matter how poorly he treats her...it's no wonder he chose to cheat on her the minute she wasn't looking. He is cocky and confident and thinks he can do whatever he wants and she will stay.

 

That's not a nice way to treat someone you claim to love.

[Mandragora]

Would it be a good idea to have my friend there to try and confess the situation? I obviously want to make this work, if she is willing is counseling with professionals a good idea? Should I confess to her parents at the same time, or separate? Or should I leave that to her decision.[/QUote]

 

Your friend absolutely should not be there, and nor should you tell her parents.

 

When I was 19, my best friend and her boyfriend were going through a rough patch. She was 200 miles away at school. Her boyfriend and I were at the same party one night and slept together.

 

I felt so awful the next morning that I insisted we both drive to her university and fess up. It did NOT go well, because we were both there and she didn't understand it why. She ended the relationship with him, and it was many years before she would speak to me again.

 

For the love of God, don't tell her parents. That is for her to decide, not you. It's humiliating enough without the whole world knowing about it.

[Mandragora]

Wow, I should have read the whole thread before opening my mouth. OP is a manipulative jerk.

[Annia]

I was surprised like this... did they discuss the possibility of one of them cheating and that it wouldn't be a cause to break up? This is weird.

[Annia]

Would it be a good idea to have my friend there to try and confess the situation? I obviously want to make this work, if she is willing is counseling with professionals a good idea? Should I confess to her parents at the same time, or separate? Or should I leave that to her decision.

 

No you shouldn't talk about your cheating with her parents (why??) and not having your friend with whom you cheated while you tell your girlfriend if you do!

[Annia]

^This and I've come across too much of that destruction. Just recently I went on a date with a seemingly nice man. Date was going great, then he made a very odd random comment about wanting to check my house to be sure I'm really single.....what the..... After prodding him a little bit about that, turns out he got cheated on 15 years ago and obviously still not really over it. Major baggage, distrust, etc. I had to walk away from him because I have no desire to be punished for what some other woman did to him so many years ago. Cheating causes serious major damage and too often people carry it forward with them for life.

 

OP, your gf didn't deserve what you did and she sure doesn't deserve to deal with the aftermath. Leave the relationship gracefully and take the cheating part to your grave. You do not get the right to cause more damage than you have already done. Enough is enough.

 

This reminds me of a guy who I knew that said he cheated on all his girlfriends because some girl cheated on him more than 10 years ago (when he was 16 years old btw lol ).

[jimthzz]

Get tested for STDs.

 

And do not have relations with anyone until you do this and get the results back and you have no STDs. Especially your unsuspecting GF.

 

Nothing says love like finding out you've been infected by someone you think is in a committed relationship with you.

 

Yeah, hard to juggle that one, right?

[jellybean2018]

Do the girl a favour, break up with her, she deserves so much more than this.

 

You need to have a serious, serious reflect on the way you treat others and your views.

 

DO NOT tell her about the cheating, just admit you're an immature boy and not ready for comitted relationship... you're too young and not mature enough.

[Jibralta]

I'm wondering.. should I keep this burden for myself and protect her from the pain..? Or should I own up to it because she deserves honesty from me?

 

I think you should tell her. You're not 'protecting' her by not telling her; you're controlling the situation. Let her make her own decision.

 

Would it be a good idea to have my friend there to try and confess the situation?

 

No. I think that would be a horrible idea.

 

I obviously want to make this work, if she is willing is counseling with professionals a good idea? Should I confess to her parents at the same time, or separate? Or should I leave that to her decision.

 

FOr the rest of these questions, wait and see how it goes. But I don't think it's necessary to make a confession to her parents like that.

[boltnrun]

I think the OP is long gone.

[dragonfly87]

Looks like we won't hear from the OP again. I'm guessing his gf must have dumped him by now. She deserves better.

[Honeycomb8]

Hopefully he's told her.

[Jennifer2018]

Im going to go opposite on this one.

When you confess, you are transferring your guilt to their pain. You deserve to have to live with what you did.

You arent going to leave her, and it wont happen again (maybe). You are putting your g/f in a crappy place.

However, based on your logi of ... "i had a free weekend" you are kinda a a jerk, and you probably will cheat again.