Boyfriend's Daughter

[abitbroken]

I think that you should not meet the daughter. Even if he was divorced 10 years, you have not been together long enough to meet her, and if the relationship is somewhat fragile, he has to err on the side to do what's best for his daughter's mental well-being. She has been going through this push pull with her parents through more than half her life and honestly, what's best is for her not to be introduced to any boyfriends or girlfriends of her parents and to get a judge to create some regularity and certainty in her schedule with both parents. The worst thing right now would be to "daddy's friend" into the mix. When they are actually divorced, for starters and then as more time passes and he decides he is serious about you (engagement is imminent but wants to make sure your daughter gets to know you a little bit first) THEN meet the daughter.

[melancholy123]

No child should be introduced unless the relationship will be permanent. Young children should not have people revolving in and out of their life . It is very damaging .

 

Agree. This is much too soon.

[abitbroken]

I just wanted to say that ENA works very well at picking up on things that don't make sense and inconsistencies in what people say. The people giving advice here are not picking on anyone. What they're doing is picking up on things the poster may not see, or may be avoiding in accepting. We've had people who have literally realized that the question they were asking was not the real question, but a symptom of a greater issue.

 

In your case, the question isn't about introducing you to his daughter, the question is really about your relationship with your boyfriend. His excuse for not divorcing his wife doesn't make sense. I think people here are trying to warn you that he is happy with the status quo and you're always going to be the "other woman" in his life. This diminishes you. If you're content in being a companion, then fine. But if you want to be married and have kids of your own, your boyfriend has a convenient legal reason to deny you this.

 

You should also examine what happened in his marriage to his wife. Why did he walk out on a then-2-year-old toddler and her mother? Obviously, he'll blame her for the break up, but what really happened? Is this something he does in his life? It seems like a callous thing to do. His wife probably had her hands full with taking care of a small child and he walks out on her. Is he going to just walk out on you one day?

 

You've been in the honeymoon phase of your relationship here, and I think as you come out of it, you should start to look around and ask questions about your relationship. You want to get to know his daughter and make the relationship more permanent, but in his mind, you may just be someone who is occupying his free time and nothing more. It is something to think about.

 

People get divorced and then could be going to court for the fine tuning of child visitation later on. A relative of mine recently went through the divorce and that was the case -- the house was sold AFTER they were legally divorced and the kids custody was initially decided before the divorce but after the divorce visitation was fine tuned based on new circumstances of the living situation and schedule of the parents and the school schedule. Divorce dissolves the marriage. It does not make every hour of visitation final -- that is tweaked ongoing.

[boltnrun]

But in the meantime court orders have to be followed, even the temporary ones.

 

The solution isn't to stay married to the person and hope the spouse is reasonable about support and visitation, thus preventing any future relationships from going beyond "boyfriend and girlfriend".

[abitbroken]

No child should be introduced unless the relationship will be permanent. Young children should not have people revolving in and out of their life . It is very damaging .

 

I totally agree -- the only exception to this is if its someone who is in close orbit -- let's say the girlfriend has kids at the daughter's school - its okay to introduce her as "little johnny's mom" and chat with her when the kids are picked up and the daughter sort of starts to get used to seeing her in the car line once they have been dating for a little bit -- but NEVER when the dad is not even divorced

[itsallgrand]

Meeting his daughter is not a topic you need to explore now, except to know it's in the child's best interest to not meet you for a long time yet. Years. When the divorce is final. When all custody is arranged and settled. When you are permenant.

 

It's way premature to seriously consider meeting his daughter.

 

As far as balancing goes, he's married with a child. Until divorce is in the rear view mirror for a while, and he's sorted out all that to be an available partner, progress can not happen. You are spending time with an unavailable man. It's not the same as dating where you can reasonably expect progression.

[Batya33]

Meeting his daughter is not a topic you need to explore now, except to know it's in the child's best interest to not meet you for a long time yet. Years. When the divorce is final. When all custody is arranged and settled. When you are permenant.

 

It's way premature to seriously consider meeting his daughter.

 

As far as balancing goes, he's married with a child. Until divorce is in the rear view mirror for a while, and he's sorted out all that to be an available partner, progress can not happen. You are spending time with an unavailable man. It's not the same as dating where you can reasonably expect progression.

 

Very well put- I agree.

[Everlong13]

Since you won't answer the question I asked (three times lol!), I presume there must be no reasonable answer.

 

He is not divorced because apparently, for whatever reason, he chooses to stay married.

 

I can certainly understand why you feel insecure. Meeting the daughter wouldn't resolve this.

 

Plus, I can also see why he won't introduce you to her. He's still hanging on what his wife thinks and doesn't want to rock the boat, again for whatever reason.

 

A court order would actually HELP the situation, not hurt it. That way his wife couldn't just decide on a whim that he can't see the child. If she did she'd be in violation of a court order and would have to appear in court to explain why. But again, he chooses to stay married to her instead.

 

This isn't a good situation.

 

From what his family (and he) have said, the mother is incredibly clingy and doesn’t let anyone look after the daughter. It’s been the same since day 1 when they were still together.

He has worked hard for the last three years to develop his relationship with her and doesn’t want there to be a fraught court appearance etc.

 

He didn’t walk out on them, the ex ended it. She seems to want to live in a bubble with just her and the daughter. I’m not sure why or how that conclusion was jumped to.

 

We’re not talking about me meeting her right now but thinking about how that would play out hence me asking for advice.

[Wiseman2]

It may be best to focus on dating and getting to know him seeing where it goes and what you want out of things. He should really be asking a family attorney and therapist for advice on this.

 

Unless he's paying you $200/hr, the focus should be on you, romance, getting to know each other, fun dates, etc., not his custody, family and estranged wife woes.

We’re not talking about me meeting her right now but thinking about how that would play out hence me asking for advice.

[boltnrun]

From what his family (and he) have said, the mother is incredibly clingy and doesn’t let anyone look after the daughter. It’s been the same since day 1 when they were still together.

He has worked hard for the last three years to develop his relationship with her and doesn’t want there to be a fraught court appearance etc.

 

He didn’t walk out on them, the ex ended it. She seems to want to live in a bubble with just her and the daughter. I’m not sure why or how that conclusion was jumped to.

 

We’re not talking about me meeting her right now but thinking about how that would play out hence me asking for advice.

 

So does he intend to just stay married to her?

[abitbroken]

From what his family (and he) have said, the mother is incredibly clingy and doesn’t let anyone look after the daughter. It’s been the same since day 1 when they were still together.

He has worked hard for the last three years to develop his relationship with her and doesn’t want there to be a fraught court appearance etc.

 

He didn’t walk out on them, the ex ended it. She seems to want to live in a bubble with just her and the daughter. I’m not sure why or how that conclusion was jumped to.

 

We’re not talking about me meeting her right now but thinking about how that would play out hence me asking for advice.

 

That's what the law is for -- he is entitled to visitation with his daughter and the court will protect that right. Something is very fishy here that he won't fight to see his kid -- not by coaxing the mother but having an attorney step in.

[DissyLu]

That's what the law is for -- he is entitled to visitation with his daughter and the court will protect that right. Something is very fishy here that he won't fight to see his kid -- not by coaxing the mother but having an attorney step in.

 

Agreed, well put

 

The reasonable/rational thing to do would be to initiate divorce proceedings so he can dissolve his marriage as well as obtain rights to see his daughter

 

The fact that he's choosing to stay married, while making phony claims as to why he needs to is very, very fishy

 

I'm starting to think one of two things here...

 

1. He did something that would cause the courts to refuse him any rights to his child (abuse, drugs, neglect)

 

2. He wants to keep the mother in his life because there's still something going on between the two of them (emotionally and/or physically)

 

Bottom line, I wouldn't trust this man

[catfeeder]

However he's still legally married.

 

What's really in this for you until he's not?

 

I'd tell him that I adore him and can picture us together in the future. That's why I need to walk away to preserve that potential. He can settle his family business any way he wants, and if he's ever free and clear of any need to tip toe around his ex, he can contact me after his divorce is finalized. Meanwhile, I wish him the best.

 

It makes no sense to expect a healthy committed relationship from someone who's in no position to have one. If BF is never positioned to catch up with you, isn't that something you'll want to learn early?

 

Head high, you'll thank yourself later.

[90_hour_sleep]

What's really in this for you until he's not?

 

I'd tell him that I adore him and can picture us together in the future. That's why I need to walk away to preserve that potential. He can settle his family business any way he wants, and if he's ever free and clear of any need to tip toe around his ex, he can contact me after his divorce is finalized. Meanwhile, I wish him the best.

 

It makes no sense to expect a healthy committed relationship from someone who's in no position to have one. If BF is never positioned to catch up with you, isn't that something you'll want to learn early?

 

Head high, you'll thank yourself later.

 

I think this is worthy of deep consideration. Navigating the legal system and trying to figure out the dynamics of past family structures is exhausting. Even if divorce proceedings start, there can be all kinds of hangups along the way. Custody is a whole different animal. There will be a huge deficit of energy, regardless of how good he feels about the relationship.

 

So, reflecting on how much energy you want/expect in a relationship might be worthwhile. It's your journey. Different people have different experiences.

[fwdthinker]

I have a friend who is a really great Dad. He and his wife decided they should divorce. But they have two great kids and decided instead to live in separate homes - but the homes are in the same neighborhood. Neither the Mom or the Dad are dating. I asked him about this and he said they had decided that they wanted to give their kids a chance to grow up with this "new normal" without making it even harder by adding new partners to the mix. I takes a huge commitment to do this in my opinion. They are waiting until the girls are much older before they decide how to divide the properties and assets. This allows the daughters to remain in the home they grew up in. I really admire the parents for this. I do think it would be a good idea to watch closely, listen and see if you are going to be spending the majority of your relationship dealing with his issues. Everyone has stuff to deal with in life - but it does need to be in balance.

[Batya33]

I have a friend who is a really great Dad. He and his wife decided they should divorce. But they have two great kids and decided instead to live in separate homes - but the homes are in the same neighborhood. Neither the Mom or the Dad are dating. I asked him about this and he said they had decided that they wanted to give their kids a chance to grow up with this "new normal" without making it even harder by adding new partners to the mix. I takes a huge commitment to do this in my opinion. They are waiting until the girls are much older before they decide how to divide the properties and assets. This allows the daughters to remain in the home they grew up in. I really admire the parents for this. I do think it would be a good idea to watch closely, listen and see if you are going to be spending the majority of your relationship dealing with his issues. Everyone has stuff to deal with in life - but it does need to be in balance.

I agree. And I think part of that decision should include not dating while still married and living in this manner. I think dating in that situation would be very confusing and undermine what the parents say they want to accomplish .

[fwdthinker]

Exactly, Batya. These parents are not dating and do not intend to until they move forward with a divorce (and that will be a few years from now).

[Everlong13]

Update on this: I met his daughter recently and it went well. We've been together a year in a couple of weeks and he's moving in at the start of January. Things are going really well and we're both very happy.

[figureitout23]

Is he still married?

[katrina1980]

Is he still married?

 

Hmm, no response from OP = yes.

[Everlong13]

No response from the OP because she’s been busy celebrating Christmas with her boyfriend and family. Also the obnoxious response didn’t particularly warrant me taking time out to reply.

[figureitout23]

Yeah... hes still married.

[Everlong13]

He’s initiated divorce proceedings. I’m not sure why you’re so obnoxious/negative.

 

Maybe your New Years resolution should be that if you have nothing decent or constructive to add to the actual topic in hand, you should just keep your ty opinions to yourself? I am very happy with my partner and things are going well with us and with his daughter. That’s the bottom line.

[Starlight925]

How is it obnoxious to state a fact? A couple of posters stated that he’s still married. Literally, that’s all they said.

 

How is that obnoxious?

[Everlong13]

Because it’s not directly related to the OP or the update and smacks of some sort of snide attempt at schadenfraude. Like I said, if there’s nothing meaningful to contribute to the op except snide comments then why bother?