Now What?

[boltnrun]

It sounds like you have your mind made up. I presume if he asks for another chance you will give him one.

 

If you feel like this man is the man you've been waiting for all your life, no one will be able to convince you otherwise.

 

I wish you luck. I've been in your situation in the past and it was truly the most stressful, anxiety-filled 4 years of my life. I resorted to checking his phone, his computer, doing 3 am drive bys, shoot, I even checked his bed sheets. I had to be treated by my doctor for anxiety until he did me the ultimate favor and broke up with me for, yes, one of the women he'd been cheating on me with. Magically, as soon as he dumped me my anxiety disappeared. I've been off the medication for 9 years and never have needed it again.

[boltnrun]

And that's why I said it would be a long process. I wouldn't trust him immediately. Trust can be rebuild through consistency and reliability. But it doesnt matter because, as I said, I doubt he's going to be able to do all that needs to he done.

 

Why would you want a man with whom you'd need to "rebuild" trust? Why not choose a man who has never and would never behave in this manner in the first place?

[JustMizz]

Why would you want a man with whom you'd need to "rebuild" trust? Why not choose a man who has never and would never behave in this manner in the first place?

 

Because I love him. But I'm not going to run right back to him just because he asks. I wont be his "friend" if that's what he proposes, either.

[Batya33]

Because I love him. But I'm not going to run right back to him just because he asks. I wont be his "friend" if that's what he proposes, either.

 

You love him. Do you love yourself? Do you know your worth?

[JustMizz]

You love him. Do you love yourself? Do you know your worth?

 

Yes, I do. I admit, I struggle with it, at times. But, I do love myself and I know what I deserve.

[boltnrun]

"Loving" someone doesn't mean you have to settle for a less than trustworthy man.

 

I presume you've been in love before this man. So you know you can fall in love again.

 

I just can't imagine living my life that way ever again. It was so awful. And at the time I stuck it out because I thought I "loved" him, plus I thought if I stayed and persevered, he'd realize how awesome and understanding I was, plus he'd realize what a catch I was and he'd stop cheating. It was pretty much the stupidest thing I've ever done. (Just for the record, I'm calling MY choices stupid, not yours or anyone else's).

 

Please don't sentence yourself to a lifetime of anxiety and worry just because you love this man. Love doesn't belong in the same category as fear and worry.

[JustMizz]

I won't sentence myself to a lifetime of worry and anxiety.

 

Yes, I love him but I love myself more. And I want someone who loves me just as much as I love him.

 

I'm just going to talk to him and see what he has to say.

 

I have a feeling that its gonna be along the lines of, "I'm not ready for a relationship" or something like it.

[katrina1980]

 

I have a feeling that its gonna be along the lines of, "I'm not ready for a relationship" or something like it.

 

I don't think he's gonna tell you that.

 

If that's how he felt, he wouldn't have bothered contacting you at all, I mean YOU ended it, right? That's his out.

 

What if he tells you he got "scared" of his feelings, of becoming too close, and got back on the site as a way to alleviate that anxiety and fear?

 

Would you believe him?

[JustMizz]

I don't think he's gonna tell you that.

 

If that's how he felt, he wouldn't have bothered contacting you at all, I mean YOU ended it, right? That's his out.

 

What if he tells you he got "scared" of his feelings, of becoming too close, and got back on the site as a way to alleviate that anxiety and fear?

 

Would you believe him?

 

Not by his words, no. Just saying it means nothing. I mean, his account is still there.

[reinventmyself]

So, if you were to reverse the roles (I do this all the time to get some clarity) and he found you on a website by mistake and it wasn't by your own doing, what would you?

Would you feel victimized, angry and push back?

Or would you try to figure out why this happened, feel some empathy for how he might have felt and gone out of your way to make it better?

-or not waiting until some time had passed and after routinely logging onto the same dating website and not merely inquiring what you meant by a good bye letter that he didn't have the benefit of being able to open?

[Batya33]

So I read more and following up/tagging on to what Reinvent wrote - first of all it doesn't matter if he didn't sign on again to that dating app -he could be on many different ones ,or another one. If the issue is that he feels unfairly accused and if you make a habit of accusing him of being untrustworthy/cheating, etc then he might be tired of it and find you way too insecure to be with but I think in this case he was on the dating app. Also, it's odd that you'd send him a letter knowing he couldn't read it -what was your purpose behind doing that? And why a "goodbye letter" especially at that timing. I think he was being dishonest and I think you were acting in an unhealthy way around him.

 

Many years ago around the time I reconnected with the man I'm married to I was dating a guy for about a month and I almost ended things after 4 dates because he was making all these insecure comments and "accusing" me of not being honest about my intentions (we were not exclusive, we'd met on a dating site on which I was still active and he made comments about that, he was trying to snoop around my purse, etc). There were two "last straw" comments he made. The scrutiny was unbearable especially that early on and he tried to change - he said he was in therapy and he wanted to -and he did, for about two weeks, then back to the same kind of nonsense so I was done. (FWIW he is now in his 50s and still single but wanting to be married). So I can see the other side of it.

 

I don't think he wants to get back together with you based on what he did and his actions after. I don't think you're ready for a healthy relationship with him -you're too insecure, too much work put into keeping him around. I'd move on.

[JustMizz]

Reinvent, I would try to figure out what happened and try to resolve the issue.

 

Batya, I never accused him of anything before this. I'm not sure where you got that I had constantly accused him of things. Also, I didnt know he was out of town when I sent the letter. I didnt know until he text me yesterday.

[Batya33]

Reinvent, I would try to figure out what happened and try to resolve the issue.

 

Batya, I never accused him of anything before this. I'm not sure where you got that I had constantly accused him of things. Also, I didnt know he was out of town when I sent the letter. I didnt know until he text me yesterday.

 

OK. I was giving a hypothetical and wondering if you'd shown insecurity in other ways. Understand about the letter.

 

What is there to figure out? He was on a dating site while dating you exclusively. He denied it and then ignored you.

[JustMizz]

It doesn't matter anymore. He didnt call and I've not heard anything from him today.

 

I guess it was just a breadcrumb. :(

[Wiseman2]

This is sad. He's very checked out and you seem to be desperately chasing him send letters, calling wishing hoping it isn't true that he was on dating apps. Sure he may take you back, but what are you going to do? make a bunch of profiles to catch him again? This is a game not a relationship. You can do better than this.

he ignored my texts for a week before I stopped texting him. He could have ignored the letter.

[HeartGoesOn]

Guys, my heart is broken. I just want to see what he says. I know this situation is hopeless.

 

There's no denying that your "heart is broken," you're human. On the other hand, by accepting that the situation is "hopeless" is the first, and the most difficult step to take.

 

One day at a time, one step at a time will eventually lead you in the right direction. Be kind to yourself...

[Honeycomb8]

It doesn't matter anymore. He didnt call and I've not heard anything from him today.

 

I guess it was just a breadcrumb. :(

 

 

 

Stay single for at least 8 months and get therapy. Chasing this guy would only make you look desperate. He's not a catch, he's a loser that lied and cheated. Put him behind u and block him. You aren't some you he should be toying around with.

[figureitout23]

It doesn't matter anymore. He didnt call and I've not heard anything from him today.

 

I guess it was just a breadcrumb. :(

 

Oh Mizz, I'm so sorry you're going through this, I also have an incredibly strong feeling you will go running back to him if he allows it.

 

Yes, I said if he allows it. The fact that you caught him cheating and he was the one ignoring your texts and you finally pulled a Hail Mary and sent him a 'goodbye' letter, says you're still that same girl who clings to any man who gives her the time of day.

 

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh I really am not sure how else to word it... Mizz this man could have been a broom that fell over and texted you some hearts and you'd be in love. You're in love with the idea of being in love so as long as a man says or does the right thing you're right there hook line and sinker. You don't love yourself hon, if you did you wouldnt look at a man offering you scraps as a 4 course meal.

 

I pray even when you two get back together you'll continue with your counseling, you need it for your own wellbeing.

 

Again, I am so sorry. You deserve so much better than this, unfortunately as I say broken seeks broken and cheaters and predators can sniff out a broken person like a bloodhound puppy.

.

[JustMizz]

He's the king of mixed signals. I thought I was being cautious when we first met. Hell, I didnt even find him attractive but I told myself he's not my type and that's a good thing and kept seeing him. Sigh.

 

And yea, I say I'm a hopeless romantic but I am very insecure.

 

My therapist said I'm insecure and fragile. That's a very good description of me.

 

I plan on continuing counseling and I'm doing self hypnosis/meditations and they seem to be helping.

[boltnrun]

The "king of mixed signals" is a poor choice to date. A man like that certainly will not help with insecurity and fragility.

[JustMizz]

The "king of mixed signals" is a poor choice to date. A man like that certainly will not help with insecurity and fragility.

 

Well, it wasnt like that until after the breakup. But, I agree.

[Batya33]

He's the king of mixed signals. I thought I was being cautious when we first met. Hell, I didnt even find him attractive but I told myself he's not my type and that's a good thing and kept seeing him. Sigh.

 

And yea, I say I'm a hopeless romantic but I am very insecure.

 

My therapist said I'm insecure and fragile. That's a very good description of me.

 

I plan on continuing counseling and I'm doing self hypnosis/meditations and they seem to be helping.

 

It's not romantic at all to behave how you are about this person. Again, I would focus on the unhealthy aspects of what you are choosing to do -not to be negative about yourself but to be honest about what you need to work on. "Hopeless romantic" has a positive connotation from the movies. It's lovely to be romantic within the confines of a healthy relationship. Using it as an excuse for self-destructive behavior or choosing dishonesty as in "I can't help my choices!!" isn't so productive.