My fiance called me a in front of his mom.

[gen1983]

This isn't the first time he's called me a dumb ass or a name in general when he's been mad.

 

We're getting married next month (we've been together since 2015 and he proposed exactly a year later from our first date) and the invitations aren't going as smoothly as they should due to a lot of miscommunication between myself and both his and my family.

 

Tonight he called his mom just to talk (her and I are really close) like he does every night and she asked about the invitations. After a couple of minutes, he got frustrated and started talking about me like I wasn't in the room but didn't care that I heard what he was saying. He was going on to her in a very mocking-like tone about how I pretty much failed at this whole thing and he should have been the one to do it in the first place. My friends and family invitations were sent out a while ago, his mom mailed out their family's side, the last group was his friends who I needed addresses for. I took it upon myself to message these people I didn't even know to get their addresses since it needed to get done. He asked me last night to get them together so he could mail them out today. I did just that. He didn't mail them out today; didn't ask about them today at all until his mom called. I was working all day so I didn't even notice until I got home in the evening.

 

I wholeheartedly agree and have acknowledged that I could have handled this invitation thing much better and that I'm really trying to do things right. I've never planned a wedding before and am self admittedly, utterly horrible at planning events, so I should have, in hindsight, let someone more experienced take the invitation reigns but I thought I could do it and really wanted to do it.

 

So he was going on and on to his mom on how I "dropped the ball" and he should have done it from the beginning. The way he was doing it made me feel horrible. My heart was racing, I was sweating, and it took me back to the days when my dad would say the same types of things to me (he was very abusive to my mom and I growing up...luckily they're divorced). It was as if he had no regard for my feelings whatsoever. When I spoke up to him and explained my side, he called me a dumb-ass with his mom on the phone. I was so embarrassed. I have told him numerous times to not call me that particular name or any other disrespectful name but it seems to have fallen upon deaf ears. He tells me to "shut the f***up" when he's mad, calls me "psycho", and tells me how I always screw up and can't do anything right. I understand that I'm not perfect and can be frustrating at times (I don't try to be) but I strive to be a good fiance and future wife for him. I'm constantly on alert in regards to my words and actions so I don't hurt him. I love him,want him to be happy, and work everyday to try to make sure I'm nothing but a positive force in his life. So, it especially hurts when I hear him say things like that; especially when he knows how I feel about it.

 

I told him tonight that it better never happen again and was very clear on how I felt about what had just happened. Each time it happens, he pushes me further and further away.

 

I understand he was stressed which is why I'm wondering if my feelings about this are "over the top" or I'm being too sensitive? There are times when I seriously wonder if he truly values me or respects me. He says he does. He's 48 and I'm 34, we're both educated and hard working so I can't attribute all of this to our "immature" age. This has been weighing on my mind for a while now. I'm marrying this man and I can't understand how one could talk to his future wife the way he does at times. I can't live my life like that. This will be the first marriage for both of us (I wasn't the type to ever want to get married until him...our story actually goes way back and is very nice which makes all of this even harder to understand. He wasn't like this in the beginning).

 

I'm frustrated, confused, and very angry that this is even an issue. I need to get out of my head and hear some input from other people. I don't know exactly what input I'm looking for...I guess I want to hear if I'm crazy or not for being hurt by his words and the way he treats me at times. This is something that has happened before even though he knows how I feel about it. If he expresses his distaste for something I'm doing, I love and respect him enough to cut it out and work on that aspect of myself.

 

Sorry for the long text wall. It feels good to type this all out. Thanks for your time and I value your input regardless if I'm in the wrong or not. I want to handle this correctly and if I'm to blame then I want to fix it. Thanks again everyone.

 

TL;DR-Am I over reacting to him continuously calling me names such as,"", psycho, or retarded when he gets upset with me? I have told him numerous times about how I feel about it. Am I being too sensitive?

[SherrySher]

This man does not have confidence in you and he does not respect you. That's more than clear. I really think you ought to reconsider marrying him. What he is doing is a form of abuse, emotional and verbal.

What it comes right down to, he looks down on you and doesn't see you on the same level as he is and he never will.

It will only get worse as time passes.

[DanZee]

Well, you've just described a textbook example of emotional abuse and emotional dependency. The most common symptom of abuse is the feeling that you have to "walk on eggs" around him not to set him off. You described it as "constantly on alert in regards to my words and actions so I don't hurt him." No, you're not hurting him. He's looking for any excuse to explode at you and insult you to put you in your place. And if he's like this before you marry him, things will only get worse. On ENA we have women writing in after 8 years of marriage where they have totally lost their self-esteem and self-confidence. Their husbands have turned them into a shell of themselves. And another common symptom is somehow the boyfriend/husband makes their girl think that they're the cause of the problem. And these guys are always nice at first. In fact, they usually exaggerate their overtures of love so that the woman feels really special. And then they start controlling and manipulating them.

 

Just Google emotional abuse and emotional dependency and you'll see what's happening to you all there site after site. Eventually, he'll start accusing you of cheating where you can never assure him that you're not, even when you never leave the house because you're raising a bunch of kids and don't have a minute to yourself. In actual fact, it's usually the guy that is cheating and he uses the accusations to keep you from ever saying anything.

 

And no matter how many times he says he's going to change, he can't keep it up, and if you try to stand up for yourself, you will get bigger and bigger arguments until you give up arguing. And even then, he'll find something to yell about even if you don't respond back.

 

So save yourself a whole basket of heartache in the next five to 10 years and call off the wedding. Find someone closer in age who is a nice guy and will love you forever. You'll be glad you did.

 

In any event, I would urge you to call the wedding off, no matter how inconvenient or costly it might be.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately he's verbally abusive and it will get much worse if you marry him. Get yourself to a therapist privately asap be honest about what's going on and decide if being married to a guy who has no respect for you and treats you like a punching bag is what you want. Your mother escaped by divorcing your father but you have the chance to leave now.

I have told him numerous times to not call me that particular name or any other disrespectful name but it seems to have fallen upon deaf ears. He tells me to "shut the f***up" when he's mad, calls me "psycho", and tells me how I always screw up and can't do anything right.

[Seraphim]

You ARE marrying the same kind of man as your father. Don’t marry this man. Get out today.

[boltnrun]

It will get worse once you're married. This I promise you.

 

Why aren't you confiding in your own mother? I presume you are also "super close" to your own mom, please talk to her about the way your fiance treats you. She's been through it, she can advise you.

[MissCanuck]

Sorry OP, but this is verbal abuse. Plain and simple. Listen to the others here who are telling you that it will likely only get worse.

 

No, you're not being too sensitive. This is an awful way to be treated, and he is more than old enough to know better. He has also more than likely always been like this, but he managed to conceal this side of him in the early stages. Now he doesn't care to control it anymore.

 

I would think long and hard about marrying this man. This is big red flag, as you know.

[ThatwasThen]

Can I ask you what his mother said to him when she heard him call you a derogatory name like that? Did she call him out on it or is she afraid of him and said nothing thus enabling him to be the disrespectful twit that he has grown into.

 

You're not going to cancel the wedding, the invitations are already sent but, if you're going to go through with this, I suggest you make an appointment with a marriage counselor, tell him to be there and if he won't go, then you go yourself and get a referral to a personal therapist that will help you with forming strong boundaries with him. He needs to learn, without a doubt in his mind, that his behaviour will NOT be tolerated. You need the professional guidance so you know how to keep strong boundaries with him.

[Minikimini]

You are marrying your abusive father in an attempt to correct what happened to you as a child.

 

You're not frustrated, confused or angry enough to call off this wedding and break up with him and that is what concerns me. Why do you want to marry someone who treats you like this so badly? What's in this marriage for you, if this is the "pound of flesh" you have to give up in order to have it?

 

Am I over reacting to him continuously calling me names such as,"", psycho, or retarded when he gets upset with me? I have told him numerous times about how I feel about it. Am I being too sensitive?

 

You shouldn't have to tell any adult, not even once, to not call you a "retard", "psycho" or anything else other than your given name if it's like that. Immature idiots use those terms to someone they supposedly love and cherish.

 

I want to handle this correctly

 

Call this wedding off. He's proving to you that even before he marries you, he is unable to uphold the vow of cherishing; and how that is escaping you is mindboggling.

 

He is not fit to be anyone's husband and if you think things are bad now, just wait until he thinks you no longer have alternatives because you're his wife.

 

Don't look to his mother to correct him--she raised that mess. She knows exactly what he's about--she's looking to off-load that problem onto you so she doesn't have to deal with it.

[abitbroken]

I would seriously consider canceling the wedding. But did you just realize yesterday that he was abusive towards you? You have only dated one year when you got engaged. Now you are actually getting to know who he is. Do you like what you see? I don't know what your plans are for children, but can you imagine him talking to them like your dad talked to you? put on the breaks. please. Its either going to be a very short marriage OR you will be walking on eggshells and will become just a shell of a woman. I think you should leave him now because if you do marry i have a feeling that you will try to stick it out and feel too worthless and powerless to leave.

[abitbroken]

You sent out the invites just fine -- you were sending to your family. It was the responsibility of himself to send invites out to his family and friends. Not yours. because that is what was agreed upon. If mommy dearest didn't do it and he didn't have the addresses for his own friends, its not on you. A month away is a little late at this point to invite people if they are out of town or don't already know about the date and know they are invited. I would use that opportunity to not invite anyone else and to cancel the wedding.

 

If he expresses his distaste for something I'm doing, I love and respect him enough to cut it out and work on that aspect of myself.

 

You need to respect yourself enough to be yourself. I was with an abusive man and the parts of me that I "needed to work on" were things that were essential parts of my personality and what made me me. I have a feeling that because he is a little older, like I did with my ex, you accept, even if you don't realize it, that you are considering that he has more life experience or "knows better" and its you who should work on yourself vs he who shouldn't be a jerk about things.