Elusive 2nd Date

[dropofpoison]

trust me next ull be trying to get him to be nice to u. If he cant even freaking go on a date then he is just a flake and a liar.

[DancingFool]

LDR in this R is 1 to 1.5 hour drive between homes. We could meet in another town 1/2 way each however. It’s only recently that I brought meeting halfway into our conversations that a date could be brief for just dinner perhaps. Before that the idea has been another 6-8 hour evening—which is what we both really prefer. So, technically it would be a second date, but feelings wise we are much beyond that.

I’m not going to tell him about the dating site unless he asks me. I’ve been hurtful enough in telling him we’re not considered as dating any more until we get together again and that I’m not initiating contact. Actually, just thinking of this is upsetting to me.

 

Are you kidding? This is not LDR, this isn't even considered distance. People drive to work that far daily. If he can't drive an hour or half an hour to meet with you and gosh "life is just getting in the way" so much of this that you could barely schedule a date, let alone a second date....I'm sorry but you are completely deliberately fooling yourself and trying to convince yourself of feelings that aren't there. I don't doubt your own attachment, which is actually alarming since you've only seen this man once in your life, but for most people one date doesn't lead to attachment. His effort in seeing you again, if you can even call it effort, is actually a complete farce. Please, wake up and face reality and stop lying to yourself about this man or this "distance" getting in your way. Yikes.

[Chelsea54]

I know this whole situation is ridiculous and it’s become embarrassing to discuss with people in person any longer. That’s why I brought it here. Still I’m upset about it and processing being done with this while I’m the back of my mind is the thought of hope that he’s going to pull through as he said he would and we can restart this. I have lots going on in life, my job, and now the dating site, to distract me in the meantime of trying to forget about whatever this is with him and have a bit of dignity in not initiating contact.

[Chelsea54]

DancingFool. You’re right in a sense that he drives this daily back & forth for work. But the distance is a barrier. We both have kids, so the possible 1hour window to meet up doesn’t happen freely or at the same time. It has to be planned out, arranged w coparents etc.

[katrina1980]

Are you kidding? This is not LDR, this isn't even considered distance. People drive to work that far daily. If he can't drive an hour or half an hour to meet with you and gosh "life is just getting in the way" so much of this that you could barely schedule a date, let alone a second date....I'm sorry but you are completely deliberately fooling yourself and trying to convince yourself of feelings that aren't there. I don't doubt your own attachment, which is actually alarming since you've only seen this man once in your life, but for most people one date doesn't lead to attachment. His effort in seeing you again, if you can even call it effort, is actually a complete farce. Please, wake up and face reality and stop lying to yourself about this man or this "distance" getting in your way. Yikes.

 

Good morning Chelsea, please listen to DF here^, she is spot on.

 

I myself used to commute one hour each way to work, every day, five days a week. Many other people do as well.

 

So sorry, but if he (or you) are using this as justification for not getting together, he is bs'ing you and you are in denial.

 

And please get this notion that "you" have been hurtful out of your head!

 

Where are you getting this from anyway, has he told you that you have been hurtful?

 

What about "his" lackadaisical behavior and what the hell does he expect???

 

Eight dates broken, because "life is getting in the way"?

 

I mentioned in prior post I understood on-line attachments, but if he had lived only an hour away, couldn't even manage a second date with me after 8 attempts, told me he felt "hurt" because I was still on-line keeping options open instead of devoting my life to him after only one date that took six attempts to get to, I would be nexting him so fast his head would spin!

 

Yes DF is correct, wake up, this entire situation is just ludicrous.

 

And very typical of "commitment-phobe" relationships (crazy-making!), in fact there is a scenario in the book I recommended that is nearly identical to this.

 

For two entire years, this guy would make a date with his gf, then break it, always with some elaborate excuse.

 

Every once in a blue moon, he would make it over to her place, but as soon as he arrived, "something" always came up and he had to immediately leave.

 

I can't remember the the exact number but in two years, he had only managed to keep something like three dates with her!

 

This guy was so overwrought with anxiety that in his distorted mind, having a date with her was akin to announcing their engagement!

 

Tons of stores like that, it's a real phobia, a real fear, don't dismiss it.

 

In fact, my own brother struggles with this, I've witnessed it many times and posted about it.

 

If you want to "go there" with this guy, that's fine, but I suggest you read up on the phobia, otherwise you will continue feeling confused, frustrated, disappointed and hurt. And Crazy!!

 

Your call, good luck.

[IAmFCA]

I know this whole situation is ridiculous and it’s become embarrassing to discuss with people in person any longer. That’s why I brought it here. Still I’m upset about it and processing being done with this while I’m the back of my mind is the thought of hope that he’s going to pull through as he said he would and we can restart this. I have lots going on in life, my job, and now the dating site, to distract me in the meantime of trying to forget about whatever this is with him and have a bit of dignity in not initiating contact.

 

Whatever this is with him is something that fills minutes and feeds imaginations but it doesn't show up with a warm hand, a smile, a hug. It doesn't deliver a laugh over lunch or dinner. It's okay to let it go.

[Chelsea54]

IAMFCA— reallylike what you wrote. And in some “notes to self” I’ve pondered over the whole letying go of what’s not serving me so I can be ready to hold something better....

Even when he contacts me, I’m going to let go of hope that meeting with him is happening again. If/when it he makes an offer, again I’ll probsbly jump to say yes, but then I’m not going to hold my breath that it will actually happen.

A-gain, and continuing on focusing on the things I need to be doing for self and family....

The dating site (and this site) help me to put my expectations into perspective.

[DancingFool]

IAMFCA— reallylike what you wrote. And in some “notes to self” I’ve pondered over the whole letying go of what’s not serving me so I can be ready to hold something better....

Even when he contacts me, I’m going to let go of hope that meeting with him is happening again. If/when it he makes an offer, again I’ll probsbly jump to say yes, but then I’m not going to hold my breath that it will actually happen.

A-gain, and continuing on focusing on the things I need to be doing for self and family....

The dating site (and this site) help me to put my expectations into perspective.

 

And that's really the key here. While you are hung up on him, you are letting better men who actually want to and can see you pass by. It causes kind of a blindness where you are not open to someone else. However, what are you actually hung up on? A guy who cancelled on you 14 times....... Sorry but nobody is that busy. However, be careful that you don't tie up your ego and self worth in this idea of I'm going to persevere and conquer him and that will make me feel good. You don't actually know him and what you are seeing is quite frankly not that attractive, so what is really drawing you in? The challenge?

[Chelsea54]

I had written out a long list of why I’m atttacted to him yesterday. Still could copy paste it right now. But, before I go supporting the why of sticking to the hope of being with him, I want to just get settled in the reality which is he is not at my door. Trying not to wallow.

I almost texted him about getting together about an hour ago, but resisted.

I need to change what I’ve been doing. It hasn’t made any impact and in result it’s not serving me.

I want the things from a man that he indicated he’s all about. But instead, I want these values in front of me, in real time and space.

[abitbroken]

I had written out a long list of why I’m atttacted to him yesterday. Still could copy paste it right now. But, before I go supporting the why of sticking to the hope of being with him, I want to just get settled in the reality which is he is not at my door. Trying not to wallow.

I almost texted him about getting together about an hour ago, but resisted.

I need to change what I’ve been doing. It hasn’t made any impact and in result it’s not serving me.

I want the things from a man that he indicated he’s all about. But instead, I want these values in front of me, in real time and space.

 

It is infatuation plain and simple on your part.

[Wiseman2]

Use it as a reference for your dating apps as to what you are looking for. Also add what you are Not looking for. For example too far, doesn't have time, never wants to meet up, etc.

I had written out a long list of why I’m atttacted to him yesterday.

[Sportster2005]

I think one of you, or both of you are not being upfront. When people want to be together, they will.

 

You've had one date a few months ago !!! You're suffering horribly from oneitis. Keep dating other men, this guy had his chance. If he wanted to be with you he would. Learn the difference between excuses and reasons. And in the off chance you two are really, really, too busy to meet, you're obviously not a good match.

[melchevelle]

I’ve been through the same situation with a few girls. Their excuse is always “work has been CRAZY” or “life has been a whirlwind”. I’m not one to chase, I believe that if you all are into each other , then you both make an effort. I’ve left these situations with a “if you have time to go out soon, please hit me up” and when they never do, I have my answer.

It sucks, but just let him go.

[Tryingit]

1 date in a few months, especially when there's "Talk" of 15 dates that never happened, would make me go bat sh*t crazy. He is full of hot air. Believe actions over words.

He couldn't have been THAT awesome in the like 3 hours that you've actually known him to justify all this torture and waiting for nothing.

[reinventmyself]

My last relationship lived 90 mins away. In the early stages of courting he would drive all the way to my house to take me to dinner, just to turn around and go home immediately after.

Why? . .because he wanted to demonstrate, by his actions - that he was interested and that he cared. He never once cancelled or made excuses.

[Capricorn3]

ONE date in a few months and a thousand excuses = not interested, imo. If this guy was seriously interested in you, he would make the effort to meet for a second date. It really is not that hard. Actions speak louder than words. Now it's time for you to face reality and see it for what it is and just let this go already and move on.

[Zippy2000]

ONE date in a few months and a thousand excuses = not interested, imo. If this guy was seriously interested in you, he would make the effort to meet for a second date. It really is not that hard. Actions speak louder than words. Now it's time for you to face reality and see it for what it is and just let this go already and move on.

 

I totally agree with Capricorn. You had 6 failed attempts for the first date and for the second there was 8! If someone wants to be with you they will make an effort to do so. I'm 42 and believe me I have my fair share of time wasters or text buddies. I look back now and see who the time wasters are and if I had a wish. I would go back in time to my younger self to warn about these people.

 

You have to let this one go and I know its easy to say because humans always want what they cant have. Date other people and find someone who wants to be with you and stop wasting your time for someone who keeps on delay a second or third date. These people aren't sure what they want that's why thee delay things until someone else comes along.

[Chelsea54]

I am thinking about this situation differently and from a stronger place because of the consistent, sane evaluation of this situation so I appreciate all of the comments. I better recognize that he should’ve been able to at least create some time for me, many times over. I also recognize that I have been accepting fuzzy outlines of a plan from him; which ultimately he can’t or doesn’t do and that’s my fault for accepting that.

I am going to stop hoping to get together with him. If we do, now I’ve got this history of not getting together as part of who he is as fact. The rose colored glasses are off.

I’m now very happy I joined the dating site at least to give me perspective and options. I went on a date last weekend for drinks. It was completely asked for and set up for by the guy, the day before. It was a long drive for him to get to and he insisted on paying (I offered because I was five minutes late). On the date he was suggesting ideas for our future dates. It wasn’t a wonderful match for me and I texted him that the next day, to which he agreed and we wished each other farewell. I learned a lot of perspective from that one afternoon.

[Wiseman2]

Why wasn't this new date a good match? Are you in a remote area? Or are you deliberately dating far away because of your abusive/threatening exhusband who just shows up randomly? Could this be why the non-dating, too busy online guy had so much appeal? He was safe? There was no possibility for a real-life in person relationship? Did that made you feel like you had someone to talk to and focus on yet not have to deal with dating?

[katrina1980]

 

....are you deliberately dating far away because of your abusive/threatening exhusband who just shows up randomly? Could this be why the non-dating, too busy online guy had so much appeal? He was safe? There was no possibility for a real-life in person relationship? Did that made you feel like you had someone to talk to and focus on yet not have to deal with dating?

 

Bingo! And is precisely what I had alluded to in an earlier post. Not the physical distance so much (he is only one hour away) but the emotional distance he is imposing by not being available to meet up in person.

 

That *he* has issues (in my opinion), but so must you Chelsea otherwise you would not have continued engaging; especially with him essentially blowing off *14* dates, you would be completely turned off.

 

But "something" is drawing you to him and this interaction, so best to explore that within yourself, and stop concerning yourself with what's up with him. Let him work out his own issues.

 

Not judging cause as I said, been there myself (albeit much different circumstances) but it served a purpose at the time and I learned a lot from it.

 

About feelings, men, women, life but mostly about myself!

[IAmFCA]

I am thinking about this situation differently and from a stronger place because of the consistent, sane evaluation of this situation so I appreciate all of the comments. I better recognize that he should’ve been able to at least create some time for me, many times over. I also recognize that I have been accepting fuzzy outlines of a plan from him; which ultimately he can’t or doesn’t do and that’s my fault for accepting that.

I am going to stop hoping to get together with him. If we do, now I’ve got this history of not getting together as part of who he is as fact. The rose colored glasses are off.

I’m now very happy I joined the dating site at least to give me perspective and options. I went on a date last weekend for drinks. It was completely asked for and set up for by the guy, the day before. It was a long drive for him to get to and he insisted on paying (I offered because I was five minutes late). On the date he was suggesting ideas for our future dates. It wasn’t a wonderful match for me and I texted him that the next day, to which he agreed and we wished each other farewell. I learned a lot of perspective from that one afternoon.

 

Brave words. Brava

[Chelsea54]

Why wasn't this new date a good match? Are you in a remote area? Or are you deliberately dating far away because of your abusive/threatening exhusband who just shows up randomly? Could this be why the non-dating, too busy online guy had so much appeal? He was safe? There was no possibility for a real-life in person relationship? Did that made you feel like you had someone to talk to and focus on yet not have to deal with dating?

 

Wow. Well you have hit on something there. My xH seems to be in pursuit of me in certain ways and a side benefit to me of having a romantic relationship is so that xH can catch wind of it and back off. He scares me, emotionally, mentally, legally; he is vindictive and manipulative. I am not afraid to tell him to get away from me, not interested, no—I don’t want to go to dinner, no—he cannot kiss me on the cheek, no—he cannot come in the house, no—I don’t want any—thing to do with him that I don’t have to. Just for the kids. I am nauseous just thinking of him right now. He is annoying and pervasive. Yes. I prefer a safe relationship that he cannot mess with. That he’s not going to interact with the guy. That he can’t question me on. He is pursuing women in general. The kids tell me all the dating apps he has on his phone. In the past 2 years he has appeared in the listings of men on 2 different dating sites I’ve looked at. I block him immediately. Surely that’s coincidence, but it feels like one other way he’s tracking me. I’m not on any media with him except text and email—for what is needed.

 

The date. I didn’t like him physically. He didn’t ask me about myself much. He was extremely business like about dating. A numbers game. Actually, I should’ve given him another chance. He wanted a serious R for real. But I want to be attracted. I want the sparks. I’m feeling a little skiddish. But. I called it. I didn’t want to be wishy washy with him. That’s that.

[Annia]

I would just move on. I don't know why you feel the need to explain him anything or to warn that you're on a dating site. It's not his business. You just had 1 date and are not in a committed relationship so just don't contact him and keep dating other people.

[figureitout23]

Wow. Well you have hit on something there. My xH seems to be in pursuit of me in certain ways and a side benefit to me of having a romantic relationship is so that xH can catch wind of it and back off. He scares me, emotionally, mentally, legally; he is vindictive and manipulative. I am not afraid to tell him to get away from me, not interested, no—I don’t want to go to dinner, no—he cannot kiss me on the cheek, no—he cannot come in the house, no—I don’t want any—thing to do with him that I don’t have to. Just for the kids. I am nauseous just thinking of him right now. He is annoying and pervasive. Yes. I prefer a safe relationship that he cannot mess with. That he’s not going to interact with the guy. That he can’t question me on. He is pursuing women in general. The kids tell me all the dating apps he has on his phone. In the past 2 years he has appeared in the listings of men on 2 different dating sites I’ve looked at. I block him immediately. Surely that’s coincidence, but it feels like one other way he’s tracking me. I’m not on any media with him except text and email—for what is needed.

 

The date. I didn’t like him physically. He didn’t ask me about myself much. He was extremely business like about dating. A numbers game. Actually, I should’ve given him another chance. He wanted a serious R for real. But I want to be attracted. I want the sparks. I’m feeling a little skiddish. But. I called it. I didn’t want to be wishy washy with him. That’s that.

 

If your ex is truly hindering you from living your day to day life there are laws in place to protect you from him. please educate yourself on the resources available to you. Don't let your expierience keep you stuck in gonowhereships like what you're in now, until you solve the bigger issue you'll be stuck with scraps ,on this website trying to convince us it's lobster and steak.

[Chelsea54]

Hi figureitout. Thank you for your advice about educating myself.