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Everything posted by Tryingit

  1. I just wanted to update that he called me and we are now official and planning our future and moving in together. I am so so happy. Not every story has a clear linear “perfect” trajectory. The amount of negativity and judgement I withstood just staying friends with an ex was unreal, and I don’t blame people. Not to preach, but anything can happen and every situation is unique. Love is love!
  2. Sorry to ask unrelated question- is there a board similar to this but for career advice anyone recommends?
  3. Just wanna say that I basically agree with everyone. I’ve been “over it” romantically and we haven’t even discussed it in 2 years for the reasons mentioned. The romantic possibilities and feelings re-emerged recently because we’ve spent so much time together and it’s been so fun the last six months. Definitely makes you think hm why the eff are we not together, this is working so well. He feels the same. But the issue remains, we’ve been each other’s safety net and backup plan for years. If we don’t move from Plan B to Plan A, we’re just going to hold each other back from finding someone. I’m
  4. I definitely agree that we are both commitment phobic and a pseudo relationship feels "right" and "safe" to us both. If I'm being honest, I think we both need to feel we are single and still exploring options because we are not ready to admit this is the "best we could do." But at the same time, we both like being in a relationship so we both are, with each other. I know it sounds messed up, but I think you always get the relationship you're ready for, not the one you aspire to. And he and I are super similar, so maybe I should look in the mirror for some answers. I do feel ready for the re
  5. It's basically mutual. I make no moves and he makes no moves, after we had many earlier years fights over commitment and jealousy when we were dating/sleeping together. It's been my sense that not sleeping together has been his hack for staying together while allowing him to sleep with other women without guilt/shame/getting in trouble with me. That's what I was trying to end with my recent outburst (which was the first time I spoke to him about being together in also 2 years). I do get slightly insecure every now and then that how could it be possible that a red-blooded man doesn't sleep wi
  6. Aw that's sad. I wish you well too. I find him attractive, I just feel like the boundary/fear of not being intimate is so strong now that I nearly would have to be wasted out of my mind to go there. It's just too heavy now, too long, too close, too much drama and history. Hard to explain. I find it easy to sleep with total strangers but somehow with him? nope. I tried for years now to love someone, anyone other than him, but also nope.
  7. FYI I've also dated other people during this time and I still loved him probably the whole time through
  8. Hi all. Will try to keep this short. It's gonna get tricky. Buckle in. I met this guy 4 years ago. Things were going great. Four months in, after a small fight where I was demanding, he broke up with me, saying he "can't give me what I want." He, however, continued to call/text and see me, EVERY.day since, regardless of what we have gone through, for nearly 4 years now. In the first year and a half, we were in a constant grey zone, and we would make up to break up. We had another six month long honeymoon period at one point. But the issue was always the same. He wouldn't commit to me,
  9. Don’t worry. I think he still likes you and there is still a chance. He’s just more cautious and reserved now, understandably. If he’s strategic, he’s pulling back on purpose because he’s smart enough to know cold works better on you than warm. I can tell that from this thread. Your anxiety that he’s left is convincing you that you like him.
  10. Haha this is the flip side of my thread “Sudden Rise & Fall?” You should read it for a window into what is going on in his head because I am in his shoes, and I am responding and would respond in exactly the same way. I also got POed after a last minute flake and seeming indifference and have gone silent. I’m not sure how long you let the silence last but the longer it was the more chance he had to solidify you as a “lost cause” in his mind. He gave up on you partly because he sensed sh*tty behavior/red flags/lack of interest from you, and partly to protect himself from getting hurt or
  11. Thank you:) Agreed. All of it is a high stakes game but at some point something has to work out right!! Come onnnn, Cupid!
  12. I think it really depends on how long it takes, what he says happened and how he acts in general. If he gives me reasons I can be sympathetic to and acts well consistently, I’d give it a shot. I’d be a lot slower this time around though!! I might even say “let’s take it slow” which are words never spoken by me in the past :-P #lessonlearned
  13. @Katrina, I’ve also had that happen to me. I’ve had men withdraw and then come back and tell me they can’t handle falling for someone again and the emotion scares them. Then they tried to bargain for something more casual and it ended lol.
  14. So, if you google this, “guy was in heavy pursuit and withdrew,” there are articles that pop up with lists of 25 possible explanations lol. There’s no right or wrong answer, and everything besides what the direct source has actually said, bad timing/busy right now, is pure speculation. The intimacy freakout is my personal read of the situation because I had to try to find some explanation for myself and that’s the only thing I could identify. Our last encounter was noticeably more intimate. I was ecstatic after and immediately texted my BFF that we “went to the next level” and “broke throug
  15. You’re right. I need to work on not getting swept up so fast. I think I’m dealing with the loss of thinking someone was bf material (too quickly) and then seeing signs lately that oh maybe he isn’t. Anti climactic and it’s never happened to me before that I got pushback so quickly and erratically. The vibe I’m picking up from him is “HOLD.” Not go or stay, but wait. It’s like he wants to put me on pause until he is ready. I don’t think he even wants me to check in while he is on his little sabbatical. Whether it’s caused by life/work stress, emotional/intimacy freakout, someone else or loss
  16. Thanks for the thoughts everyone. I agree with the whole isn’t actually emotionally or time-wise available to build a relationship so tries to jam it in in a downtime interpretation. I have a lot of friends like this and was myself like this. You have a life too full but feel guilty/frustrated/empty not to have a love life at all, so you make attempts and then can’t follow through. I think he’ll be back but I’m personally not able to keep myself engaged through fits and starts. I think this is just way #214 that things can possibly go wrong! For the record, to some other comments, I didn’t
  17. We are both early 30s. He is a senior level at a very large company yes, and a too-obsessed-about-work type. He’s also taking graduate courses. He’s the type of person to have some kind of out of town trip planned like 2-3/4 weekends from what I’ve seen so far. He just seems like he has too much going on. Structurally, I think this is a big hindrance but he seemed to manage fine the first 2 weeks, and it shouldn’t theoretically affect communication, so I don’t think it fully explains it... And yes I meant it as a criticism. It was basically an accusation that he denied. I know people don’t
  18. Thanks for this perspective. I’ve been told the give it space and he may return thing is quite common, but hardly something to bank on! It is why I don’t want to push more, though, because maybe then I ruin all chances. I once, myself, in the past, inexplicably felt the need to push away a new dating prospect that seemed like a great guy after about a month. I didn’t know why consciously but looking back I wasn’t ready for a relationship and had feelings for someone else. As soon as that someone else turned out to be a waste, I had regret (still do) for pushing him away. I tried to go back
  19. Yes this is what I think it is too but he won’t admit to anything except various work/life excuses. It’s so annoying; you can’t solve anything without communicating your thoughts. I’ve never had this kind of reaction before and I’ve seen a lot in my days. Def regret going too fast on all counts but the pace was driven mostly by him. Is it unsalvageable because we are now both just spooked of each other?
  20. I don’t know. I wanted to. There was a strong connection. It felt right. I don’t have any rules about this. I find emotional intimacy much more meaningful/impactful than physical etc etc I don’t think this was the issue, if you’re asking my gut feeling. The flip happened after it got EMOTIONALLY intimate.
  21. No we never even got close to that far. Our “actual” dating time in my opinion is 15 days and 6 dates.
  22. Not fully but we have done things and slept over a couple times
  23. I met a guy, first guy I have really liked and saw a future with in years, about a month ago. He was attentive, sweet, kind, communicative and clearly interested in the first 2 weeks. He told me he wanted a serious relationship (without me prompting him). He told me he really liked me several times. He told his coworkers about me. He texted me everyday. He planned dates nearly every other day. Our last date was significantly more intimate (emotionally) than the previous ones. I told him I liked him for the first time to which he responded “I like you too! It’s a consensus! I’m blazing green li
  24. Lol I meant he had to have my town as his location online to match with me. Funny. Y’all make it sound like someone with a travel schedule is impossible to be with. I’ve had many relationships like that where the person was all over and it was mostly long distance. I even dated a guy in Africa lol. Adventurous people need love too!
  25. Hey I’m not at all concerned about the security risk. Imagine a person you’ve had 20 hours of conversation with. They don’t feel like a stranger. I probably know him better than people I’ve known in person for years. It doesn’t feel odd at all to flirt sexually with him. Feels right. We are meeting in public though, of course. I’m going to also not have sex with him at least until a few in person dates. I’ve seen video of him so I can confirm who he is. I also know his full name and have done all the research. He’s a very well to do man. His situation is weird because he lives between 4 lo
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