Inviting a guy over for coffee?

[solidcase]

I've spent all morning googling whether or not this would send the wrong message - and there's SO many contradicting opinions. I've been talking to this guy for about 6 weeks now, this Sunday will be our third time getting together. Our last two dates have gone really well, but the weather has been so terrible and I've been finding it hard to think of dates that will last a few hours, are affordable, leave us with space/time to talk and actually get to know each other, etc.

 

What I envision is going out briefly to grab some coffee and snacks and then come back to just spend a rainy day (which it's set to be) being mellow, chatting, watching TV and playing Bananagrams or something. I'm a bit of a homebody and am very proud of my space; I feel like it says a lot about me that I'd be ready to show to this guy, and my hope is that it will be an environment conducive to a more natural/relaxed interaction between us.

 

I feel perfectly safe with him, and I trust that he wouldn't push me to go further than I want to go (I'm 100% down for a makeout session, but still want to hold off on sex until whatever we've got going on is more concrete). My concern is making him feel awkward... I live alone in a small but cute/cozy studio apartment, but I don't have a couch/living room area - just my bed turned vertical against the wall, towards the TV (trying to entertain the idea of a couch) and a couple of chairs. I've got one would-be furry distraction, my cat, but she's a nervous wreck herself and is probably going to hide the whole time... soooo. I don't want to send the wrong message but thinking of quality, but affordable INDOOR dates is so hard! Outdoor dates are so easy in the area I live, but we're anticipating rain and potentially sleet/snow that day.

[reinventmyself]

You might get responses down the middle with this one.

But seeing you don't even have a couch, how about hanging out at a coffee shop and playing a board game?

 

I think if you were to tell him just what you shared with us. . that you have this idea, yet you don't want him to feel uncomfortable or think your intentions are anything but that of a chaste afternoon, you might be just fine. Fore warn him of your accommodations. .including the cat ;)

[j.man]

Someone recently made a very similar thread. I'll try to find the link later because there's probably a lot of pertinent advice. But, basically, I wouldn't invite a man to get cozy and watch movies on the bed unless you were ready for the big bang or a few baby steps below it, or if you'd be uncomfortable if he tried to go for the gold. Having an in home and timid date can be awesome and with no real physical expectations-- if you've actually got a dwelling that can accommodate it. I might hold off on the dates in bed until you two are a bit more physically comfortable and in tune with one another.

[maynards_razorblade69]

Hi solidcase,

 

Tricky one. Here are some ideas:

 

invite him over to cook something with you;

invite him over to do exactly what you say (have a mellow one, watch TV, play a game);

have a takeaway – not cheap exactly, but you have to be "at home" to receive it;

explain that you're thinking of something to do that's affordable and where you can talk, then suggest your place.

 

I'd opt for honesty. Start as you mean to go on, right? "Hi [potentially fabulous male], was wondering if you fancied coming over on [insert day]? I don't have a lot of spare cash at the moment, but I'd like to spend time with you. Bring wine and a boxset – look forward to getting to know you a bit more." Or some variation.

 

Good luck!

[Batya33]

I think it's fine to have him over and not have sex as long as you talk about it in advance -briefly and directly. That's awesome that you're proud of how you live/your home and I would wait to show him how /where you live until you've been out on a number of more dates. What I'd do is find an inexpensive museum or similar location where you can look at art etc and enjoy. Or go bowling or similar -something active. There are inexpensive indoor dates around.

[Betterwithout]

It sounds like you are feeling out the crowd on what some guys like to call the "three date rule". Some guys will see "coming back to your place" as an invitation to get more intimate with possibility of sex.

If the conditions are right, and things get heated, sex can happen.

 

If you are really firm on not wanting to have sex, then find a venue other than your place, an activity-type date. At least the chance of it happening are nil.

 

Maybe in a few more dates, you can entertain at home.

[Batya33]

It sounds like you are feeling out the crowd on what some guys like to call the "three date rule". Some guys will see "coming back to your place" as an invitation to get more intimate with possibility of sex.

If the conditions are right, and things get heated, sex can happen.

 

If you are really firm on not wanting to have sex, then find a venue other than your place, an activity-type date. At least the chance of it happening are nil.

 

Maybe in a few more dates, you can entertain at home.

 

I don't agree if she has a simple and direct conversation with him in advance. I did this many times and never had a problem at all.

[Wiseman2]

What were the first two dates like? Who planned them and where did you go? have you seen his place? Why hasn't he invited you there? A Netflix and chill 3rd date in a bed-only studio may be awkward.

Sunday will be our third time getting together.My concern is making him feel awkward... I live alone in a small but cute/cozy studio apartment, but I don't have a couch/living room area

[Jenny00]

What age are you two? I see it’s becoming more normal and acceptable to have dates in eachother home, me and my boyfriend went out to the cinema on our very first date but then did exactly what your plans are either at his house or at mines, I previously told him that I don’t want things to get sexual just yet though and he was completely understanding and we both enjoyed our first dates at home just as much. I think this generation is becoming more accepting of this, and having to hold off on first dates being at home is more old fashioned. I say go ahead, invite him over and just make it clear what you expect from the night :)

[solidcase]

I'm 23 and he's 30 - I don't date often, so I have NO idea what's normal anymore! Our very first date, he came up here, we met at a coffee shop and then went out to a very pretty, local beach where we got rained out. We drove around and chatted, ate bagels in the car at a park and when the rain ceased, walked around some more at a different park. If it were nice, I'd love to go out on another hike and do something similar again, but alas, it's set to be even grosser out. Our second date, we went to the nearest big city and wandered about, got pizza, popped into a couple buildings we were curious about, etc. It was fun but there wasn't a whole lot of time to just get to talk and again, it was freezing and wet. I just want to be cozy, haha! I've not been to his place yet, which would almost definitely require me to stay the night and I would totally interpret as a sexual invitation because I don't drive and he lives an hour away.

[thealchemist]

Honestly as a guy I would think there is a bit of sexual implication to coffee and a persons home.

[Wiseman2]

There are no movie theaters or museums in your area? What's wrong with a movie and a snack? Or going to a museum and getting a coffee/drink? Try to be more creative and put some effort into planning dates rather than driving around eating bagels in a car. Is he a student on a budget?

I've not been to his place yet, which would almost definitely require me to stay the night and I would totally interpret as a sexual invitation because I don't drive and he lives an hour away.

[Betterwithout]

Indeed, it depends a lot on the individuals involved, how the first few dates went, AND mostly their sexual comfort level. A clear discussion should clear the air, and if your gut from that discussion tells you he is a gentleman who will respect your wishes, you should be fine. If you feel things are outside of your comfort level beforehand, then a more public date would be better.

[solidcase]

I hate a movie theater for a date. Not only is it expensive these days, but it's inconsiderate to everyone if you talk, which is kind of contradictory to the point of a date - getting to know someone. We have a museum but it's focused on the heritage of this town... which isn't that fascinating. I'm horrendous at bowling and don't find it all that fun. We checked out a bookstore on the last date. I want to spend more time with him than it would take to sit down in a coffee shop, which I consider a very first date activity. This town has SO many possibilities in the way of outdoor dates, but nothing for when it's gross out unless you love to get hammered, which I am not about.

[Betterwithout]

I hate a movie theater for a date. Not only is it expensive these days, but it's inconsiderate to everyone if you talk, which is kind of contradictory to the point of a date - getting to know someone. We have a museum but it's focused on the heritage of this town... which isn't that fascinating. I'm horrendous at bowling and don't find it all that fun. We checked out a bookstore on the last date. I want to spend more time with him than it would take to sit down in a coffee shop, which I consider a very first date activity. This town has SO many possibilities in the way of outdoor dates, but nothing for when it's gross out unless you love to get hammered, which I am not about.

 

I've had fun dates doing mini-golf, billiards, live music, hole in the wall restaurants with fun busy atmosphere.

take a look here for more ideas...

 

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/a31786/100-date-ideas/

[DancingFool]

When in doubt, opt for a date in public. Keeps things simple and clear and spares you a whole lot of awkwardness. If you aren't 100% comfortable with having him over, and you aren't since you are posting and researching this so much, then you will be tense and that tension will take the spark out of the date. So, just don't do it until you are really truly comfortable with it.

 

As another poster said, indoor dates don't need to be expensive. Get creative and do some research on all that's going on around the city. Usually, there are plenty of free events or very cheap things to do.

[DancingFool]

I hate a movie theater for a date. Not only is it expensive these days, but it's inconsiderate to everyone if you talk, which is kind of contradictory to the point of a date - getting to know someone. We have a museum but it's focused on the heritage of this town... which isn't that fascinating. I'm horrendous at bowling and don't find it all that fun. We checked out a bookstore on the last date. I want to spend more time with him than it would take to sit down in a coffee shop, which I consider a very first date activity. This town has SO many possibilities in the way of outdoor dates, but nothing for when it's gross out unless you love to get hammered, which I am not about.

 

OK....so go to a movie, then after grab a coffee or dinner or go to a wine tasting (no need to get smashed), talk about the movie, talk about whatever. Don't be in such a rush to get to know someone. It's a marathon, not a sprint. You should be able to enjoy their company without talking and quizzing them constantly.

[dias]

But you are open for a make out session so what's the problem? You don't need to do anything more than this.

[abitbroken]

No. I would GO for coffee and then do a rainy day activity like a museum or something else indoors. Inviting someone in for coffee (unless its in the morning before church or some other thing that causes you to keep it brief) IS an invite to get physical.

[abitbroken]

We have a museum but it's focused on the heritage of this town... which isn't that fascinating. I

 

The point is getting to know eachother -- you chat while you are there.

[Betterwithout]

The point is getting to know eachother -- you chat while you are there.

 

I second this. I remember many dates that were fun regardless of where we were. It could become a great story to tell the grandkids one day.

[Jenny00]

I think everyone is keeping things slightly old fashioned in the comments. If you want to invite a guy home for coffee and maybe movies go ahead and do it, it’s your date and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. If you TALK about what you expect from the night, and let him know the purpose of the night is to get to know him, what’s the problem? I love movie day dates, me and my boyfriend loved them from day one and there was never anything wrong with it. I say stop listening to all the old fashioned comments about how it’s an invitation for sex, it’s absolutely not, it’s a fun way to spend a day with your possible love interest. I think you’re just looking too much into this. Find a movie you two may like, a board game whatever and just take it slow, I’m sure he’d understand and you two would have a lot of fun 🙂

[dias]

I think everyone is keeping things slightly old fashioned in the comments. If you want to invite a guy home for coffee and maybe movies go ahead and do it, it’s your date and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. If you TALK about what you expect from the night, and let him know the purpose of the night is to get to know him, what’s the problem? I love movie day dates, me and my boyfriend loved them from day one and there was never anything wrong with it. I say stop listening to all the old fashioned comments about how it’s an invitation for sex, it’s absolutely not, it’s a fun way to spend a day with your possible love interest. I think you’re just looking too much into this. Find a movie you two may like, a board game whatever and just take it slow, I’m sure he’d understand and you two would have a lot of fun 🙂

Finally!!! You don't need to have sex or even make out if you don't want. You are overthinking.

[ThatwasThen]

I’m sure he’d understand

If you tell him straight up that sex won't be happening, then yes... he will understand. Most people equate "Netflix and Cuddling" as an invitation to do much more then that so spell it out.

[itsallgrand]

My personal preference was to keep dates out of the house until we knew each other better and also at a point where I was comfortable with the idea of sex happening. I also opted not to have sleep overs nor to accept them until I knew I wanted to sleep with the person . It doesn't mean sex has to happen, but to me it's a pretty clear indicator of interest in it. It would be awkward to me to have a conversation stating I didn't want sex but let's hang out at home / on or in a bed anyways. Seems simpler and more fun to me to save home for those I really like and am already at a comfort level where we are ready to have sex, see each other in the morning, that kind of thing.

It also seems safer.

 

If that makes me old fashioned, oh that's ok;) there's so many fun things to do out , why the rush to get so familiar so fast ?