boltnrun Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 Please don't make any decisions right now other than choosing a therapist and confiding in a trusted friend or family member. Yeah, you could go "nuclear" on the boss, but sorry, I doubt he forced her into his bed. Sounds like she went willingly and liked it. And I'm sure he won't feel bad at all. Selfish people seldom feel remorse. And yes, it's normal for your emotions to be all over the place. You love this woman. It doesn't just go away because she betrayed you. And no, it's not your "fault". She could have used her words like a grown up instead of leaping on the first guy. And don't buy her stupid story about the watch being a clue she was giving you. Pure BS. Link to comment
thealchemist Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 Feeling crazy emotions is the normal. This buddy of yours sounds like he knows his sh*t pretty well. He is a great resource. You are lucky to have someone who is informed and looking out for you like that. Good luck. And don't trust anything she says. Link to comment
KnightMan Posted January 31, 2018 Author Share Posted January 31, 2018 Okay, I just glanced at some of the responses from earlier and the overwhelming consensus seems to be that no matter what I did or didn't do right in our marriage, none of it justifies her having a 6 month affair with her boss, that's completly on her, I did not drive her into his arms, I did not force her to lay down and open her legs, she is 100% responsible for this mess. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 I know some of you want me to just dump her and move on, but I need to take some time to think about all this. I do have a few questions Is it normal for my emotions to be all over the place? Sometimes I think I'm losing my mind. I go from extreme sadness, to rage, to wanting to save my marriage, to walking out the door. I do plan to schedule some IC for myself. Should I confront this POS? He destroyed my life and he gets away scott free? I have an overwhelming urge to go nuclear on him. Should I expose to her parents? I haven't told anyone except my buddy, I also have an older brother that I will reach out to later. I am truly humbled and overwhelmed by the outpouring of support and advice on this forum, thank you all again, I don't want to make any decisions right now because my emotions are all over the place, despite everything she's done I still love her and I thought she loved me, either way, I'm not sure if our love can survive this. First and foremost, whether you stay or go is deeply personal decision. Some may have an opinion on it. . well - I do too for that matter, but other opinions don't matter here. This is soley on you. Is it normal to feel the way you do? Absolutely. And for all your questions. . take - your - time. When things are volatile like they are in the moment it's close to impossible to sort them out. When in doubt, don't do anything at the moment. Definitely don't do something impulsive that you will regret and when ever possible - take the high road. Nothing worse than compounding this with regrets. I wish you all the best. . . .Hang in there. You will get through this. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 To answer your questions... Yes it's absolutely normal to feel the way that you do, to be all over the place, angry, sad, wanting to be gone, wanting to stay, confused, etc. It would be abnormal to feel any other way. It's going to be a roller coaster ride for awhile, so do expect that. You didn't ask for this and you do NOT deserve this, nobody does, but it's what you have to live with and deal with now. Do NOT confront the POS. He isn't responsible for your wife's cheating. She is. Full stop. Confronting him is pointless because she did what cheaters do - spin him a tall tale how her marriage is miserable, loveless, etc, how she is looking to leave, how this new guy is the love of her life and makes her feel alive again and insert other gross ego feeding bs here. He bought it. Keep in mind that he also has no values, no scruples and doesn't care. If he was even remotely decent, he would have told her to go shove it and keep away from him. Basically, when you wrestle with a pig, the only thing that will happen is you'll get filthy yourself and the pig will enjoy it. Looking back you'll hate yourself for it. Do NOT tell her parents or anyone else outside of the couple of support people you have right now. IF you do work things out, it will be very awkward and difficult among your mutual friends and family and cause a lot of strife later on. If you do end up going the divorce route, then feel free to scream it from the rooftops. While you are undecided, keep a lid on what's going on as much as possible. Don't let this spread around. Stay strong. Breathe. Take your time to calm down a bit and then decide what you want to do. Sadly, your friend is correct that right now, you cannot and should not believe a single word coming out of her mouth. Yes, she most likely told you only because she saw that you know. At this point, all she is doing is trying to save her own skin. Link to comment
thealchemist Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 The owner at my former place of employment used to hire administrative assistants that he would essentially pay to be his personal prostitute. He would also only hire married woman. Sounds like the same kind of POS. But there is no point getting yourself in trouble dealing with him, because I would bet that when she took the job she was aware of the expectations, just like all the woman my old boss hired. And her cheating is in no way your fault. If your marriage had issues then it was both of your faults. But she decided to seek outside relations instead of working on it. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 Sadly, your friend is correct that right now, you cannot and should not believe a single word coming out of her mouth. Yes, she most likely told you only because she saw that you know. At this point, all she is doing is trying to save her own skin. Her confession is likely a mix of truth, regret and a large dose damage control. She has a lot to lose and she knows it so her response is carefully orchestrated. If she can spread the blame she surely will try to. You will find out soon enough whether she can back it up with actions. . if that's what you are ultimately looking for Link to comment
KnightMan Posted January 31, 2018 Author Share Posted January 31, 2018 I have another question How in the hell can you tell somebody you're not in love with them and you need space Then the next day tell them you love them and you're willing to quit your job and do anything to save your marriage? who does that? her personality changes are freaking me out Is that normal? Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 Okay, I just glanced at some of the responses from earlier and the overwhelming consensus seems to be that no matter what I did or didn't do right in our marriage, none of it justifies her having a 6 month affair with her boss, that's completly on her, I did not drive her into his arms, I did not force her to lay down and open her legs, she is 100% responsible for this mess. She is 100% responsible. the fact that she is putting any blame on you, shows that she is not remorseful. Terrible. I think she is more concerned about being outed for her behavior. She ruined your marriage, not him! Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 I have another question How in the hell can you tell somebody you're not in love with them and you need space Then the next day tell them you love them and you're willing to quit your job and do anything to save your marriage? who does that? her personality changes are freaking me out Is that normal? Because she is feeling as desperate as you are at the moment. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 She initially tried to blame you. Then, when she found out you knew the entire truth and blaming you was no longer possible she went into self-preservation mode. She knows there's a very strong possibility the affair guy won't come running with a ring and a proposal if she leaves you, so she's trying to cover her own butt. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 Also, please do not let her mess with your head. Write down the facts if you need to. You know from FB that she was in his bed within a week of working there. THAT was not her trying to get your attention that something is wrong in your marriage. That was her going along with lust full on out and not giving a fck about you. When she was acting inappropriately, buying things for him, flirting with him in your face and you did try to approach her about it - do you remember her response? She made you out to be crazy, controlling, imagining things, etc. Until you bluffed her and told her that you know all, she was going to continue to lie to you and make you seem like the crazy one. Do not forget that. She will be doing an awful lot of lying, blame shifting and changing facts and reality and repainting past history into something else. DO NOT FALL FOR THAT. When she tells you that she did it for herself, because she wanted to, because she could and she didn't give a fck at that time, then maybe you have a snowball's chance in hell of her actually being honest going forward because that would be the first time she is being honest with you. Link to comment
KnightMan Posted January 31, 2018 Author Share Posted January 31, 2018 Thank you all again for all the advice and support. I never anticipated this many responses, I promise to go back and read everything that everyone has posted on this thread when I have time. Writing all this out and reading all of the incredible responses of wisdom and experience is really helping me I really need this, what an amazing place Link to comment
thealchemist Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 Vent on here to your hearts content. Link to comment
KnightMan Posted January 31, 2018 Author Share Posted January 31, 2018 She's gone, her dad came for her so she'll be staying with her parents, she told them we're having a rough time right now Before she left she said: "You do believe me when I say I never meant to hurt you right? I never wanted this, I never wanted any of this" I said: "Mrs. KnightMan you absolutely wanted it, you dressed up for it, stayed out late for it and now it's all yours, and no, I don't think you meant to hurt me, I think you meant to sleep with your boss, I'm sure hurting me never entered your mind, say hello to your dad and mom for me" she didn't seem too happy with my response Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 I said: "Mrs. KnightMan you absolutely wanted it, you dressed up for it, stayed out late for it and now it's all yours, and no, I don't think you meant to hurt me, I think you meant to sleep with your boss, I'm sure hurting me never entered your mind, say hello to your dad and mom for me" Touché . . . . Link to comment
SweetGirl28 Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 I love your response to her. It's good she left, that will ease some of the tension. So can I offer you a piece of advice? Utilize your buddy or someone else to be able to read all contact she has with her boss now. Since you're married, he may help her out financially to try and screw you over should you divorce. You need to protect yourself. I've seen it happen time and again. The BF comes to the rescue and advises on what to do, and what to go after . Try to keep family out of the situation as much as possible. Too many people involved will complicate things. I know you're uncertain of what you will do, so take time and get some therapy for yourself to help you sort through your feelings. You cannot make rational decisions when you're angry. Good luck :) Link to comment
Jeffbobo Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 Well said Mr. KnightMan! Well said... Link to comment
thealchemist Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 Wow. Good for you. I am very proud. Link to comment
ControlDenied Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 Wow that was great! What a difference 24 hours make! It is a long journey. You are miles ahead. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 How could she possibly imagine that having sex with another man wouldn't hurt you? What she probably really meant is "I didn't think you'd find out". Link to comment
ControlDenied Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 Okay, I just glanced at some of the responses from earlier and the overwhelming consensus seems to be that no matter what I did or didn't do right in our marriage, none of it justifies her having a 6 month affair with her boss, that's completly on her, I did not drive her into his arms, I did not force her to lay down and open her legs, she is 100% responsible for this mess. Absolutely!!! Link to comment
ControlDenied Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 To have a chance she has to: - Quite her job. Send a no contact letter. (I have a good sample I can share in private) - She needs to change her cell phone number, erase him from all social media or electronic means of communication - you need to send him your own “no contact letter” (I have a very powerful one also can share in private) - you call him also. - you need real marriage therapy (very tough to find good ones) Letters must be sent certified mail. Link to comment
KnightMan Posted February 1, 2018 Author Share Posted February 1, 2018 I love your response to her. It's good she left, that will ease some of the tension. So can I offer you a piece of advice? Utilize your buddy or someone else to be able to read all contact she has with her boss now. Since you're married, he may help her out financially to try and screw you over should you divorce. You need to protect yourself. I've seen it happen time and again. The BF comes to the rescue and advises on what to do, and what to go after . Try to keep family out of the situation as much as possible. Too many people involved will complicate things. I know you're uncertain of what you will do, so take time and get some therapy for yourself to help you sort through your feelings. You cannot make rational decisions when you're angry. Good luck :) Message received My buddy is a pro and dedicated to making sure I don't get screwed over Everything has been printed out, I have copies in my safe and an extra copy for an attorney Also backed up everything to the cloud The agreement was that I would work until she finished school, then we would switch, which we did back in June, I stay home and build another business while receiving a residual income from another, she would go to work until we agreed that our financial situation would allow us both to stay home, go on our dream vacation and then come back home and start a family. We separated our accounts when she got the new job, she doesn't need my money, she has her own cards, the only thing we share is the phone and my name is on her car insurance. The way it's looking now she might end up having to pay me alimony, but I need to talk to an attorney about that. The marital assets should be pretty easy to divide, thankfully we had enough sense to put in writing an agreement that states if things went south we would both leave with what we came with and sell what was left. I hate to sell this condo, I love this place, but there are other condos. I'm also glad I didn't agree to let her put me on her health Insurance from her job, she said it was much better than mine. (yeah, I'm not even gonna touch that phrase) I'm covered, still need to talk to an attorney, but I'm also a bit under the weather, need to get over this cold and I haven't been eating or sleeping much but I will plan to try and do both tonight. Thanks for advice Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 Okay, I just glanced at some of the responses from earlier and the overwhelming consensus seems to be that no matter what I did or didn't do right in our marriage, none of it justifies her having a 6 month affair with her boss, that's completly on her, I did not drive her into his arms, I did not force her to lay down and open her legs, she is 100% responsible for this mess. She is 100% responsible for making the deliberate choice to have sex with another man other than her husband. If she was unhappy in the marriage she should have come to you and told you. If she was unhappy in the marriage she could have left. She didn't choose either one of these things. She chose to cheat and somehow try to hold you responsible. The state or condition of your marriage prior to all of this was both of your responsibility. You two should have worked on it together. But she robbed you of that opportunity when she decided to get her needs met else where. Try to not get sucked into the blame game. You'll just fall into a rabbit hole. Link to comment
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