Girlfriend wants to spend xmas with Ex boyfriend's family

[flexxneffex]

OP, you said you are "long distance."

 

How often do you see each other?

 

Have you actually met in person?

 

I only ask because of how many people refer to their relationships as "long distance" when in fact they had not even met in person yet.

 

We see each other for a few weeks at a time every two months or so.

[Starlight925]

So she was sexting with a different ex earlier in your relationship.

 

And now she wants to spend Xmas with yet another ex?

 

You are being played for a fool. Please view these as warning signs.

 

When are you supposed to get married? Live in the same city? How far apart are you actually? How did you meet?

[katrina1980]

We see each other for a few weeks at a time every two months or so.

 

It still sounds fishy to me, and I think she needs better boundaries.

 

You're engaged, is there a date set?

 

I think this ex of her wants more than friends and is using this as his opportunity to make his play.

 

And I think she loves his attention.

[MasterPo]

Wow. I don't think so, get ready for some drama. Probably start with an argument over the phone, declaration of a break-up, apologies a day or so later and then the news; 'we were on a break..nothing happened... etc.' By this time you're all worked up and the distance factor - it happens, just be aware of it. It sucks.

[ThatwasThen]

Hi all,

 

I was trying not to be too specific, in case for some weird coincidence she were to happen upon this post and deduce it was me. Yes, I can be insane/paranoid like that.

 

I understand it seems to be very fast that we are engaged already, but love happens that way sometimes.

 

I admit I have some trust issues because I've been burned in the past (who hasn't?). Some of my trust issues are from what she has told me about her past. I think the fact that she was honest with me about her past mistakes makes it deserving of some level of trust, but I have that little (unreasonable?) voice in the back of my head.

 

She cannot come here because we have applied for a visa, and our lawyer has cautioned about traveling to the country until it gets approved. I left it out to keep some details vague but I've decided it.

 

So, I understand all the judgment here. I think this situation is more about respect and boundaries than it is mistrust...although I have some work to do in the trust dept as well.

 

I'm going to speak with her tonight about it.

 

Thanks for listening, advising, ect. Have a great holiday!

 

She, by the sounds of it hasn't learned from those 'mistakes' if she's proposing to spend her holiday with an ex lover. I hope for your sake that she is willing to agree to some very fundamental romantic relationship boundaries before you marry her because if she won't then she's going to make those same 'mistakes' yet again.

[Longview01]

Go to some parties over Christmas, you might meet someone worth being with

[boltnrun]

The visa situation makes the hurried engagement make more sense. She can't move to your country unless you two are married, correct?

 

Please be sure you aren't being married for a visa/citizenship.

[flexxneffex]

The visa situation makes the hurried engagement make more sense. She can't move to your country unless you two are married, correct?

 

Please be sure you aren't being married for a visa/citizenship.

 

Correct. And yes I'm absolutely sure she is not after my countries' citizenship. We just really want to be together ASAP.

[MissCanuck]

Hi, just to be clear - it was a different ex that she texted. The one she is wanting to spend xmas with him/his family she has been friends with since before that other Ex.

I've decided to make it clear that if she intends on doing this it's over for us. I'm actually considering ending the relationship just based off of her thinking it would be ok.

 

Well, she certainly keeps a roster of exes close, doesn't she?

 

The fact that she was sexting anyone while with you is not good news. She has consistently bad boundaries, and it's no wonder you mistrust her. You have seen that she is not trustworthy, so your worry is not misguided.

 

You need to be very careful moving forward with her, OP. Why did you decide to propose after seeing the malarkey she is capable of?

[flexxneffex]

Well, she certainly keeps a roster of exes close, doesn't she?

 

The fact that she was sexting anyone while with you is not good news. She has consistently bad boundaries, and it's no wonder you mistrust her. You have seen that she is not trustworthy, so your worry is not misguided.

 

You need to be very careful moving forward with her, OP. Why did you decide to propose after seeing the malarkey she is capable of?

 

It was at the very beginning of the relationship, and the sexting was with her last BF she had just broken up with. She said she was having a weak moment/second thoughts, but realized I was the right decision. She has since then cut off communication with him. She has given me zero concern about things, being very open, letting me see who/what she texts, ect. This issue with the exbf/xmas is the 1st alarming thing since then (a year later).

[abitbroken]

Hi all,

 

I was trying not to be too specific, in case for some weird coincidence she were to happen upon this post and deduce it was me. Yes, I can be insane/paranoid like that.

 

I understand it seems to be very fast that we are engaged already, but love happens that way sometimes.

 

I admit I have some trust issues because I've been burned in the past (who hasn't?). Some of my trust issues are from what she has told me about her past. I think the fact that she was honest with me about her past mistakes makes it deserving of some level of trust, but I have that little (unreasonable?) voice in the back of my head.

 

She cannot come here because we have applied for a visa, and our lawyer has cautioned about traveling to the country until it gets approved. I left it out to keep some details vague but I've decided it.

 

So, I understand all the judgment here. I think this situation is more about respect and boundaries than it is mistrust...although I have some work to do in the trust dept as well.

 

I'm going to speak with her tonight about it.

 

Thanks for listening, advising, ect. Have a great holiday!

 

Love can happen - but if its love, then it will not be damaged by not marrying for a few years instead of rushing to marry. Also, love is only a baseline requirement to decide whom to marry - love is critical, but all the other factors that would make a good marriage make a marriage over just a romance. You want a woman who will be your partner - what if you had to go away on a business trip - is she comfortable in her own skin or will she be entertaining an ex just not to be alone if you are married?

[Silverspring]

I wouldn’t put up with a disrespectful person like this who makes terrible decisions. I live half way across the world from my family so I’ve spent Xmas alone numerous times. Now I spend it with my boyfriend and his family. What’s wrong with her that she HAS to spend Xmas with someone and CAN’T be alone? Is she 5 years old? To spend it with an ex and his family at that. Total deal breaker. There will be nothing but similar problems in your relationship if you continue dating her.

[katrina1980]

I wouldn’t put up with a disrespectful person like this who makes terrible decisions. I live half way across the world from my family so I’ve spent Xmas alone numerous times. Now I spend it with my boyfriend and his family. What’s wrong with her that she HAS to spend Xmas with someone and CAN’T be alone? Is she 5 years old? To spend it with an ex and his family at that. Total deal breaker. There will be nothing but similar problems in your relationship if you continue dating her.

 

Best post, well said!

[flexxneffex]

So we talked about it and she brought up two points. 1. She was friends with him before they dated, and only dated 2 months before realizing they were better friends and have just been friends since. 2. She is very close to his family since they were friends before they dated. She has also spent the last 3 Christmases with his family as just a friend.

 

I told her it doesn't matter if they are friends or not, or if I trust her or not, or if I'm being controlling. My feelings are that the situation makes me very uncomfortable, and that she needs to respect my feelings and understand the value of our relationship by not crossing boundaries.

 

Now we will be spending Xmas eve together over Skype, and she will be spending Xmas day with a platonic friend. We've also agreed to do pre marital counseling. Again thanks for the advice and opinions.

[Honeycomb8]

I'd be dumping her.

 

Mark my words, she's going to cheat on you again in the future.

[Juha]

Truthfully, I do not see what is so special about this woman and why you are adamant about making a marriage work with her?

The visa thing along with her actions would make me very reticent to trust and or believe this woman...

 

I see nothing that you have said in this post that would lead me to believe that she has your best interest or back in this relationship.

She can tell you whatever she thinks you want to hear about what she will be doing and who with during Christmas and then do what she wants with whoever she wants and you will never know..

 

This woman is shady and if there is this many issues before you get married, I do not see it getting better after...

 

You should really look much more closely and thin about actually going through this and possibly messing your life up for years to come.

 

I wish you luck in whatever you do.

[abitbroken]

Do not marry her in haste just because of the VISA situation. You will end up regretting it. You want someone who can independently think for themselves and those actions match what is best for a relationship. What prospects does she have in your country for work? Have her come for a visit again, and you go for a visit. You have not known her long enough if you weren't even in the picture last Christmas. I would recommend that she try to come to your country on a work VISA on her own steam.

[Snny]

She cheats on you, then agrees to marry you "right away" for a visa.

 

What could go wrong here?

[abitbroken]

She cheats on you, then agrees to marry you "right away" for a visa.

 

What could go wrong here?

 

The fact that you have to even have the conversation with her about this is a non-starter to me.

[Snny]

Also, just because you marry a forgeiner does not mean that she will gain access to the country quicker. There's a line and it can take over a year to get a visa. My husband got one for schooling here in the US which took him nearly 2 years. It's taken us over 3 months to get his naturalization paperwork processed and we've been married for slightly over 3 years (US citizenship application asks if the applicant has been married to an American citizen for at least 3 years).

 

Good luck. Still, this screams suspicious all over.