flexxneffex Posted December 14, 2017 Share Posted December 14, 2017 Hi all, I am in a long distance relationship for over a year. Unfortunately, due to monetary/time issues neither of us can visit the other for the Christmas Holiday. She doesn't live near family, and does not want to be alone for Christmas. Her ex boyfriend, whom she is still friends with, invited her to stay over his house to celebrate Christmas with his family. She knows his family well from being friends with him for a few years now. I believe her when she says she no longer has feelings for him, but I do not trust this guy 100%, as he has tried to flirt with her in the past while they were just friends. I don't want her to be alone for Christmas, but I just cannot accept that she is going to sleep at his house. She has no transportation, and he does not live close to her, so this is why she will need to sleep there. How do I cope with this without sounding like a controlling scrooge? Thank you for the advice! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted December 14, 2017 Share Posted December 14, 2017 How is she going to get there, then? How long have you been dating? I would have an issue with this. Where is her family? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flexxneffex Posted December 14, 2017 Author Share Posted December 14, 2017 How is she going to get there, then? How long have you been dating? I would have an issue with this. Where is her family? She lives over an hour from him, and she does not drive. No bus routes and she cannot afford a taxi, so he will pick her up and bring her home. We are actually engaged, but have been dating for over a year. She will come to live with me soon. Her family lives much farther away than the ex bf, and to be honest she doesn't get along with her family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted December 14, 2017 Share Posted December 14, 2017 Can't she visit family for Christmas? I know when I was college age and couldn't afford to come home for Christmas, my parents would make the plane ticket my Christmas present. Doesn't she have any friends in the area? when i was living out of state, one or two Christmases I had a dinner for friends who were other "orphans" whose family didn't live nearby. I would not be keen on her spending Christmas with an ex's family. The only time that would be okay with me is if they had kids together and she was doing it to be with her children and extended family was there (she was staying at the home of the grandparents of her kids and not just one on one with the ex). I would not be cool with this - the "staying over at his house". I would be okay if the family was still friends with her and mom wanted to invite her to dinner so she wouldn't be alone, but i would not be cool with staying over. If she can travel to stay over at his place, she can travel to be with family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted December 14, 2017 Share Posted December 14, 2017 She lives over an hour from him, and she does not drive. No bus routes and she cannot afford a taxi, so he will pick her up and bring her home. We are actually engaged, but have been dating for over a year. She will come to live with me soon. Her family lives much farther away than the ex bf, and to be honest she doesn't get along with her family. Why can't you go pick her up? Also, if she is engaged to you its a heck no. Do you really know this woman well enough to be marrying her this quick? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted December 14, 2017 Share Posted December 14, 2017 Why aren't you taking a bus to her? The fact that you are engaged, makes it incredibly inappropriate. Doesn't she have any other friends? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted December 14, 2017 Share Posted December 14, 2017 It a tough one and you'll have to just trust her. I don't want her to be alone for Christmas, but I just cannot accept that she is going to sleep at his house. She has no transportation, and he does not live close to her, so this is why she will need to sleep there.But given this history it will be difficult:At the very beginning of our relationship I caught her sexting with that same ex boyfriend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flexxneffex Posted December 14, 2017 Author Share Posted December 14, 2017 Why aren't you taking a bus to her? The fact that you are engaged, makes it incredibly inappropriate. Doesn't she have any other friends? She has other friends, but none of them have offered to spend Christmas with her and she feels embarrassed to be forward. I cannot visit her, as I will have my daughter for part of the day (I am divorced with partial custody) so a 10 hour bus ride is out of the question. Believe me I would if I could. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted December 14, 2017 Share Posted December 14, 2017 Totally inappropriate. Sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted December 14, 2017 Share Posted December 14, 2017 It sounds like she's playing you for a fool. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted December 14, 2017 Share Posted December 14, 2017 She has other friends, but none of them have offered to spend Christmas with her and she feels embarrassed to be forward. I cannot visit her, as I will have my daughter for part of the day (I am divorced with partial custody) so a 10 hour bus ride is out of the question. Believe me I would if I could. So why can't she come to you on that same bus? I mean you are engaged right? So having your daughter there shouldn't be an issue??? Can you not get her the bus tickets for that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted December 14, 2017 Share Posted December 14, 2017 I'm shocked that she would think that this would be okay with you. She has very lax romantic relationship boundaries to be honest. I would never even consider doing such a thing as an engaged woman... I don't care how alone for Christmas I would be. If you can afford it then offer her the bus fare home to you and if she balks at that then I'd say you are with the wrong woman and you should let her ex have her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted December 14, 2017 Share Posted December 14, 2017 I have been alone at Christmas time when my husband was deployed. There is no way , ever I would spend it with another man. That is unthinkable . Luckily I had family I could travel to but I would’ve spent it alone with my child if that’s what needed to be . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted December 14, 2017 Share Posted December 14, 2017 Nope, no, nyet. This is a bad idea and demonstrates that they are still a lot closer than you think. Given her history of inappropriate texting with him, you would be crazy to pretend you are okay with this. Come on, OP - there is a significant difference between controlling her and setting your boundaries with your wife-to-be. I am frankly shocked she even had the stones to consider this. You really shouldn't need to ask your own fiancee not to spend Christmas with her ex; it should be a no-brainer that doesn't even cross her mind as an appropriate option. However, given what you wrote in your previous thread about how you "stole" her from this ex, you can't be too surprised that she's now playing with the boundaries in your relationship: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=544581 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flexxneffex Posted December 14, 2017 Author Share Posted December 14, 2017 Nope, no, nyet. This is a bad idea and demonstrates that they are still a lot closer than you think. Given her history of inappropriate texting with him, you would be crazy to pretend you are okay with this. Come on, OP - there is a significant difference between controlling her and setting your boundaries with your wife-to-be. I am frankly shocked she even had the stones to consider this. You really shouldn't need to ask your own fiancee not to spend Christmas with her ex; it should be a no-brainer that doesn't even cross her mind as an appropriate option. However, given what you wrote in your previous thread about how you "stole" her from this ex, you can't be too surprised that she's now playing with the boundaries in your relationship: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=544581 Hi, just to be clear - it was a different ex that she texted. The one she is wanting to spend xmas with him/his family she has been friends with since before that other Ex. I've decided to make it clear that if she intends on doing this it's over for us. I'm actually considering ending the relationship just based off of her thinking it would be ok. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted December 14, 2017 Share Posted December 14, 2017 She has other friends, but none of them have offered to spend Christmas with her and she feels embarrassed to be forward. I cannot visit her, as I will have my daughter for part of the day (I am divorced with partial custody) so a 10 hour bus ride is out of the question. Believe me I would if I could. What about buying her a bus ticket or air fair to see you and spend Christmas with you. She is engaged to marry you, so its not inappropriate for her to mix with your child. If you can't go to her, then why can't she come to you. Honestly, if neither of you can afford to be together for Christmas, should you be thinking marriage right now? If she doesn't drive (and its not because of a medical condition) and she won't speak up and mention to friends that she is alone for Christmas and put on a get together at her place Christmas eve or the day after, etc, then you are in for a life of dependency. If her solution to not being alone for Christmas is spending it with an ex's family --- then you guys are not ready to marry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thorough Posted December 14, 2017 Share Posted December 14, 2017 It sounds like she's playing you for a fool. I agree. I wouldn't my bf, long distance or not, spend time w/his ex's family period (not for holidays, weddings etc). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted December 14, 2017 Share Posted December 14, 2017 Only a year and you're already "engaged"? Why the hurry? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Honeycomb8 Posted December 15, 2017 Share Posted December 15, 2017 I'd dump her. This isn't ok, and is totally inappropriate. The fact she thinks you'd be fine with this is hilarious and bizarre. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShatteredMan Posted December 15, 2017 Share Posted December 15, 2017 Drop kick this woman out of your life. She does not respect you as a man and she is cheating on you emotionally with this guy or preparing to go back to him. How would she react if you told her you decided to spend Christmas with an ex or another girl? Heck, tell her that and see what she does.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted December 15, 2017 Share Posted December 15, 2017 If she has other friends she needs to get over herself and woman up. Invite some friends over for xmas eve dinner. See if anyone will join her for xmas night. Volunteer on xmas morning. Make her home feel cozy. See if anyone will go to church with her. Go to church by herself and enjoy it. Take a morning walk in the unusual quiet. Its time for her to be responsible for her choices. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katrina1980 Posted December 15, 2017 Share Posted December 15, 2017 So she and her "ex" we're sexting at the beginning of your relationship but now they're just "friends"? And now this same "ex" is gonna pick her up, drive back to his family's, spend the biggest holiday of the year together, then drive back? I'm kinda leaning towards thinking that he may not actually be her "ex"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katrina1980 Posted December 15, 2017 Share Posted December 15, 2017 OP, you said you are "long distance." How often do you see each other? Have you actually met in person? I only ask because of how many people refer to their relationships as "long distance" when in fact they had not even met in person yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flexxneffex Posted December 15, 2017 Author Share Posted December 15, 2017 Hi all, I was trying not to be too specific, in case for some weird coincidence she were to happen upon this post and deduce it was me. Yes, I can be insane/paranoid like that. I understand it seems to be very fast that we are engaged already, but love happens that way sometimes. I admit I have some trust issues because I've been burned in the past (who hasn't?). Some of my trust issues are from what she has told me about her past. I think the fact that she was honest with me about her past mistakes makes it deserving of some level of trust, but I have that little (unreasonable?) voice in the back of my head. She cannot come here because we have applied for a visa, and our lawyer has cautioned about traveling to the country until it gets approved. I left it out to keep some details vague but I've decided it. So, I understand all the judgment here. I think this situation is more about respect and boundaries than it is mistrust...although I have some work to do in the trust dept as well. I'm going to speak with her tonight about it. Thanks for listening, advising, ect. Have a great holiday! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flexxneffex Posted December 15, 2017 Author Share Posted December 15, 2017 So she and her "ex" we're sexting at the beginning of your relationship but now they're just "friends"? And now this same "ex" is gonna pick her up, drive back to his family's, spend the biggest holiday of the year together, then drive back? I have no words, other than best of luck. Different Ex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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