Dated, broke up, reconciled, had a relationship, now dumped again

[ThatwasThen]

Exactly. . but the beauty here is from where I sit, she is challenging her faulty beliefs. We should be cheering her on and encouraging her.

We 'should' also be helping her to see because it will help her to learn the lesson so that she goes ahead that much more dating savvy in the future. If someone says "I know its wrong" but does it anyway then what is the good of encouraging the fact they knew it was wrong but do it again?

 

Anyway, that is my view point and if I see greta in a lightbulb moment that carries weight without the lamenting about how great the connection was to this guy and saying things that would have helped her to remain in the throes of a dysfunctional relationship, then for sure, yes I will encourage the bajeeezus outta her.

 

Cheers.

[reinventmyself]

We 'should' also be helping her to see because it will help her to learn the lesson so that she goes ahead that much more dating savvy in the future. If someone says "I know its wrong" but does it anyway then what is the good of encouraging the fact they knew it was wrong but do it again?

 

Anyway, that is my view point and if I see greta in a lightbulb moment that carries weight without the lamenting about how great the connection was to this guy and saying things that would have helped her to remain in the throes of a dysfunctional relationship, then for sure, yes I will encourage the bajeeezus outta her.

 

Cheers.

 

all in all. . it's all good.

Just nice to know she gets some much needed feedback.

(group hug)

[ThatwasThen]

all in all. . it's all good.

Just nice to know she gets some much needed feedback.

(group hug)

 

Back at ya!

[Batya33]

Oh Batya. .that's harsh.

She admittely gave away the farm on this one. Give her sometime to sort things out and get her balance back.

(I know, because I've been where she's at more than once) It kinda reads like `get over it'

It's about learning how to do things differently and based on one individual personal experiences and upbringing, people often times make bad choices for subconscious reasons.

It's not always obvious for most.

If it was, therapists and psychologists would be out of business.

For that matter, jails and rehab centers would close too

 

Well, no I didn't mean it that way at all. I am not suggesting she "get over it" I am suggesting she stop focusing on herself as victim of his lies/bad behavior/bad treatment. She should take all the time she needs to heal, of course.

[greta96]

I just want to tell you that I am reading and I am appreciating ALL your comments and opinions. Rest assured that they are perfectly in line with everything my real-life BFF has been telling me from day one, and she never sugar coated anything either lol.

I know that man has faults, and I knew that from the past. I also knew he is the type who is not capable to love - he told me that a long time ago. I was ok with that. I was expecting a colder type of relationship, what I didn't expect were the lies and being dumped just as cruelly as before. I hoped this time would be different, but as I came to find out, hope is not enough.

I had made so many efforts to try and trust this man - unsuccessfully, because when you know deep inside someone isn't trustworthy you can't really do much about it, but at least I almost succeeded to fight off the PTSD I was suffering from (also caused by him in the past). When things were really good at the beginning, any little thing would scare me to death and I'd message my BFF in a frenzy that he's going to leave again, and she couldn't understand why was I saying that, because from where she stood there was no way he was leaving, nothing bad had happened... see, it was the PTSD kicking in, I was so used to him dropping me with no explanation in the past, that I lived with the fear for the first few months, until I finally relaxed seeing he was sticking around.

It was a breakthrough for me. And no, he had no idea of this internal turmoil and paranoia, he wouldn't have understood anyway.

So this was one of the reasons I wanted to fight for this relationship and not just let go, I had put way too much effort into overcoming my fears from the past.

 

Now my PTSD is that x 1000000 of course, because the same trauma has happened twice now.

 

I do realize my mistake was not walking away at the first red flag, which in all honesty was him repeatedly kissing me while in a long term relationship with someone else. I let the hatred for that woman cloud my judgement, and figured it was redemption for all those times I had to watch her chatting him up back when we dated in the past. Then, I should have ended it the first time he misbehaved with ME. But I didn't...I simply didn't want it to end, just like you don't want a beautiful dream to end. You know it's not real, but nevertheless you wish it could go on.

[Batya33]

Fighting for a relationship when you both want the relationship can be a great thing to do - but you didn't have a relationship with this person that involved genuine care, exclusivity, or trust - so I don't think you were fighting for a healthful or even potentially healthful relationship -you were fighting so you could win a prize -the prize being him since he was unavailable. When you fight for a healthful relationship that your partner also wants to fight for that takes courage and a willingness to get very humble - fighting for a one-sided fantasy or dream is just a way to expend energy and tell yourself you're "fighting" as opposed to giving in - you gave in to an interaction that had nothing really to do with a serious romantic relationship because that way you didn't have to be with someone you might really get close to, flaws and all.

 

I'm really glad you're willing to listen. Good for you!!

[ThatwasThen]

Don't let him hoover you back again in the future, luv. As awesome as it was when he graced you with his presence, he is really just toxic/issued waste in a hunks clothing. (so take him down off that pedestal and keep looking at the big picture)

 

If you have learned to never ignore red flags and that your intuition is there to keep you safe (physically and emotionally) then you'll not allow anyone (not just some guy) get you in this state ever again.

 

I do hope you get to that stage of acceptance soon and then onto indifference to him quickly.

 

Feel better soon.

[fabact]

I think you have your answer. He does not want to have anything to do with you now so you can rest assured that there is no "what if". Be glad you dodged a bullet. This would've kept going for years more. 9 years is enough time. Don't blame yourself now. Just swear to yourself you will have your back going forward and not let someone like this treat you the way he did. You'll find better.

[greta96]

Don't let him hoover you back again in the future, luv. As awesome as it was when he graced you with his presence, he is really just toxic/issued waste in a hunks clothing. (so take him down off that pedestal and keep looking at the big picture)

 

If you have learned to never ignore red flags and that your intuition is there to keep you safe (physically and emotionally) then you'll not allow anyone (not just some guy) get you in this state ever again.

 

I do hope you get to that stage of acceptance soon and then onto indifference to him quickly.

 

Feel better soon.

 

I don't think he will ever try to hoover me back, I take the silence to mean I have been permanently discarded so I'm not worried about him returning.

It's just hard to focus on the bad stuff, because it seems only the good times keep popping into my mind. And thinking that now he does everything I liked with the other person, after having thrown me in the garbage like a used newspaper, makes me sick.

[Batya33]

I don't think he will ever try to hoover me back, I take the silence to mean I have been permanently discarded so I'm not worried about him returning.

It's just hard to focus on the bad stuff, because it seems only the good times keep popping into my mind. And thinking that now he does everything I liked with the other person, after having thrown me in the garbage like a used newspaper, makes me sick.

 

But you never really "had" him in any meaningful way so he couldn't "discard" you - you were always going to be on the radar in some peripheral way only. The good times had nothing to do with long term potential because there was never any solid long term potential. How he acted at the end was consistent with his behavior throughout -still sucks but it's not as much of a shock thank goodness - you may have been living in a fantasy cloud for awhile but you also knew that of course when he decided to stop seeing you he likely wouldn't act with character and integrity about it (and he knew you were willing to settle for scraps).

 

He probably is having a lot of fun - there are many people who have fun casually dating. And yes you might hear in the future that he's settled down with someone and that it's going well. Been there. And that will suck too but it will be less painful if you accept that, yes, he can change, and stop thinking in terms of broad generalizations about how he's incapable of love and commitment. He acted like a jerk towards you and you acted like a jerk towards yourself much of that time. You've been doing a wonderful job focusing on how you want to do things differently next time. Keep it up!

[mandeelove]

I happen to think differently. I do think he will try to hoover you back. Hes done this in the past to u. Why not again? The difference is now its up to u to keep him out. Block him on everything and be strong. Do not fall for anything. U really have to start moving away from this, get better and recover from this, and plan on how u are going to ignore him when he comes back. Ive been involved with men like that. They always come back....always. we like to blame the man always but in the end if we are participating, its our fault now. Trust me, Ive been there a little too much. Still figuring out why I allow it. But what I can say to u is these men never change. U wasted 9 yrs of your life. I wasted almost 2 yrs or more. Not sure of ur age but if u want a healthy marriage one day with kids, u do not want to waste ur years on this. Even being stuck in a fantasy of him being the best man/feeling u ever had will have u stuck. U need to release the whole idea of him. Take him off the pedestal u put him on. Allow yourself to know u will have a love . Real love. Once u self reflect and see him as the creep he is, u will be able to move on. Because i see your issue as being stuck in your mind. U wont date bcuz u were wrapped up in a fantasy that he was the one and only. Break that state of mind and u will be on your way to real change. Good luck u can do it !! Step by step.

[browneyedgirl36]

I am logging back into this site after months of being away, and I saw this thread. Oh, boy, do I have a TON to say about this! (I have to be somewhere, though, so I'll have to save it for later.) I've been in your exact situation, and said/thought so many of the exact things you're saying here.

 

I'll get to a longer post later, but something really stuck out to me that I want you to think about. You said in one recent post that this guy admitted that he "can't love" and that you were "OK with that." Really?!

May I ask why you're OK with being in a romantic relationship with someone who admits he's incapable of loving? More importantly, why is it that you think you don't deserve a relationship with someone who CAN love you?

 

Just a couple things to ponder...more later...

[ThatwasThen]

And yes you might hear in the future that he's settled down with someone and that it's going well. Been there. And that will suck too

He may settle down with someone but that doesn't mean that he'll stop tom catting around on whoever he settles down with.

 

I think the odds are high that this guy needs a steady stream of "strange." I do believe that he's incapable of monogamy but selfish enough to not want his partner to be the very polyamorous that he seems to be.

[Batya33]

He may settle down with someone but that doesn't mean that he'll stop tom catting around on whoever he settles down with.

 

I think the odds are high that this guy needs a steady stream of "strange." I do believe that he's incapable of monogamy but selfish enough to not want his partner to be the very polyamorous that he seems to be.

 

Could be - but better to assume that he might change because it hurts much worse if you assume this person will never be in a happy stable relationship and then that changes. In my case, he emailed me three times within the inappropriate range -when he was almost engaged, and twice when he was married. But from all I know -they've been married 12 years now - their marriage is solid. I still felt cringes /twinges when I learned he'd met her and when I learned he was engaged but nothing like what I would have felt if, after he broke up with me, I hadn't made sure to accept that it simply could be "just not that into me" and made sure to keep my distance, after one or two false starts on my part with that effort.

[ThatwasThen]

Could be - but better to assume that he might change because it hurts much worse if you assume this person will never be in a happy stable relationship and then that changes. In my case, he emailed me three times within the inappropriate range -when he was almost engaged, and twice when he was married. But from all I know -they've been married 12 years now - their marriage is solid. I still felt cringes /twinges when I learned he'd met her and when I learned he was engaged but nothing like what I would have felt if, after he broke up with me, I hadn't made sure to accept that it simply could be "just not that into me" and made sure to keep my distance, after one or two false starts on my part with that effort.

But did he cheat on someone to be with you?

[Batya33]

But did he cheat on someone to be with you?

 

No not to my knowledge and I'm fairly certain that was 100% accurate because I knew a very close friend of his. But he was a known and admitted player. Never had a real long term relationship and he was 40 when we dated (I was mid-30s).

[ThatwasThen]

No not to my knowledge and I'm fairly certain that was 100% accurate because I knew a very close friend of his. But he was a known and admitted player. Never had a real long term relationship and he was 40 when we dated (I was mid-30s).

I think that's the difference. Player vs Cheater. *shrugs* I'm just speculating because I got that vibe about this guy.

[Batya33]

I think that's the difference. Player vs Cheater. *shrugs* I'm just speculating because I got that vibe about this guy.

 

I suspected he had cheated on me at some point but we broke up shortly after anyway. Never tried to confirm.

[browneyedgirl36]

Could be - but better to assume that he might change because it hurts much worse if you assume this person will never be in a happy stable relationship and then that changes. In my case, he emailed me three times within the inappropriate range -when he was almost engaged, and twice when he was married. But from all I know -they've been married 12 years now - their marriage is solid. I still felt cringes /twinges when I learned he'd met her and when I learned he was engaged but nothing like what I would have felt if, after he broke up with me, I hadn't made sure to accept that it simply could be "just not that into me" and made sure to keep my distance, after one or two false starts on my part with that effort.

 

I too think it's better to assume the guy can be/will be one day in a stable, happy relationship. I remember clinging to the idea that my ex was a "commitment phobe" who would NEVER be happy -- until he moved on, and I actually SAW him with his new girlfriend (he actually brought her to our workplace -- ugh!) That was a huge turning point for me, though. I realized it wasn't that he couldn't/didn't want to be in a relationship, it was that he didn't want to be in one with ME. It was devastating -- it dashed all of my illusions that he'd live a lonely, miserable existence, that I would forever be the "one who got away," etc. And, it was the BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME. It prompted me to finally, totally move on. His relationship with that woman ultimately ended, and he's now in another one (as am I), and I'm fine with it. I don't think it says anything about me at all that he wasn't able to be with me but had no problem being with someone else (though I admit there was a time I did believe this). We simply weren't right for each other. That's it. It's not anybody's "fault." It's not because there's something "wrong" with me. We just ultimately weren't a match. And that's OK.

 

Greta, I've lived through pretty much exactly what you're going through -- spent several years living through it, in fact -- and I can tell you that the most important things that I learned from the whole mess are 1) That I should NEVER base my happiness, or my opinion of myself on what someone else thinks, says, or does and 2) that my problem wasn't HIM -- it was ME. It was something in ME that caused me to pursue something -- and hang on desperately, even when I should have let go -- that was damaging to me, that left me miserable and anxious all the time. I spent SO much time analyzing HIM -- the why's and wherefore's of the situation, what he thought, what he felt (stuff I was just assuming because I couldn't truly know any of these things) -- and not nearly enough looking at ME and why I was making the choices I was making. When I took the focus of him, and put it back on myself, change started to happen. Instead of "Why did HE do this?" ask yourself "Why did I ALLOW him to do this to me?" or instead of "Why can't he give me what I want?" it should be "Why I am sticking around for something that I know isn't good for me?"

 

Ultimately, this isn't about him at all. It's about you, and it's about how you feel about yourself -- that's what has driven you to make the decisions you've made.

 

One final thought: As angry as I was at my ex for how he treated me (and I admit he did not treat me well a lot of the time), I was even angrier at myself for how I had treated me. I forgave him a lot sooner than I forgave myself. I realized that, for a long time, I had been treating myself badly, betraying myself in a sense. Fortunately, I've moved on from that, too, but it took time, and NO talking to my ex whatsoever. Now, I see him from time to time, and I marvel at the fact that I was ever so "in love" with him. He's just another person, someone I used to date. Now, just a co-worker I bump into on occasion. To get to this point required a lot of hard work on my part, but it was so worth it. I have a GREAT guy in my life (that I'm now engaged to), and I feel free. You can get there too, but you have to want to, and you have to work at it.

[Batya33]

Loved your post BEG. And hated reading -cringed! -that he brought his new girlfriend to your workplace. And I'm glad you survived more than well. That is the best revenge yes? OP read what she wrote -I read her posts when she went through this and look where she is now. You can get there, too.

[ThatwasThen]

Great post, BEG.

[Jibralta]

Depends on my friends... it is the closest to all of us, and age-appropriate as we don't like bars that cater to young crowds...But we no longer go every week, just once in a while anyway

 

I have no family on this continent, one very good friend and one fair weather friend, and that's all there is in my life.

 

Greta, can you not convince one or both of these two people to find another acceptable bar? Even just the very close friend?

[Jibralta]

Every women has done this before, including me.

 

No, my dear. Every woman most certainly does NOT do this.

[Jibralta]

I know that you want to believe that you're not keeping score against other women, but look what you've said here:

 

So then...why was it ok to dump me so coldly over text message, and then give me the silent treatment? Why treat her right and throw me like a used napkin?

[browneyedgirl36]

Loved your post BEG. And hated reading -cringed! -that he brought his new girlfriend to your workplace. And I'm glad you survived more than well. That is the best revenge yes? OP read what she wrote -I read her posts when she went through this and look where she is now. You can get there, too.

 

Thanks!

 

Oh yeah -- it truly WAS cringe-worthy! I remember how I felt that day -- just how incredibly devastated I was. And, what was worse, was that I'd experienced the SAME thing with him previously, when he'd broken things off with me and gotten back with his previous ex for a time (after she dumped him again, he started sniffing around me again, and, regrettably, I gave him another chance). I was devastated -- just totally wrecked -- both times, and the second time I felt so stupid, thinking "HOW did I get myself into this AGAIN?" But, as I said, it was exactly what I needed. I remember telling my mom later that I regretted the way I had to move on, that it was HIM doing the rejecting instead of me -- that I hated the fact that I had to be *forced* to move on by seeing him with someone else, and my mom's response (which was so, so true) was "It doesn't matter how it happened; it just matters that it happened. Whether you were forced to let go or not, you let go. That's all that matters." She was right.

 

I still think back on that time in my life from time to time, and I have pangs of regret that I wasted so much time, so much energy, expended so much emotion, and that I caused so much damage to myself. I can't get that time and energy back, but I learned so many things that are so valuable to me, things I might have never learned -- or learned much, much later -- if I hadn't been through all that. I am grateful for everything I learned.