Dated, broke up, reconciled, had a relationship, now dumped again

[reinventmyself]

Good luck and hopefully this will be a blessing in disguise as far as motivation for future choices.

 

I've had those moments, while curled up in a fetal position riddled with break up anxiety. . that I can actually get excited about painful moments like these.

 

If you take a moment and look at this from another angle. . this is a golden opportunity, if you choose it. How often do you get an opportunity to reinvent yourself and learn to do things differently??

 

Get excited with the notion that you can no longer be tied to this guy!

How many years have you wasted and got nothing in return? You don't get that back, you know.

 

So this is it. It's a gift in disguise. Use it well

[boltnrun]

There must be another bar you can hang out at.

 

I'm thinking over the weekend we'll see a post where you went to his bar, saw him and then felt awful all over again, only worse, because he either ignored you or you saw him flirting with another woman or he put the moves on you and you "couldn't resist".

 

The fact that you've said many, many times that you still want him leads me to believe you're attempting to fool yourself into thinking you can be indifferent to him. I doubt you are there yet.

[greta96]

I've had those moments, while curled up in a fetal position riddled with break up anxiety. . that I can actually get excited about painful moments like these.

 

If you take a moment and look at this from another angle. . this is a golden opportunity, if you choose it. How often do you get an opportunity to reinvent yourself and learn to do things differently??

 

Get excited with the notion that you can no longer be tied to this guy!

How many years have you wasted and got nothing in return? You don't get that back, you know.

 

So this is it. It's a gift in disguise. Use it well

 

I really think it is a gift in disguise, because I remember in the past I was in horrible pain for a very long time and confused as to how he could treat me like that...and yet I left him there on a pedestal because I was unable to figure him out and he became "the one that got away". Now I feel much better much faster, because I have him figured out. I started with some statements he himself made about himself and people in general, statements most people wouldn't make, and started researching. I know it is generally not advisable to put labels on people unless you are a professional, but what I did was print lots of studies and articles on narcissists and use a yellow highlighter to highlight everything that matched his behavior, on its own and with me. By the time I was done, I am not joking, about 90% of the papers were yellow! Then I read everything to the 2 people who have seen me through this relationship, and they said everything matched perfectly with what they saw from outside. So I think it's safe to say he is a classing narcissist, he even used many of the phrases I read in those studies, word by word! He went through the classical phases of Idealize - Devalue - Discard, those who ever had the misfortune to deal with such person and took the time to read upon this condition will know what I'm talking about. He even told me the words "I have you on a pedestal" in the beginning lol...then my "faults" slowly started appearing...until the discard happened, and it was just as cruel and sudden as it is portrayed in the studies.

 

So yes, I am lucky to be rid of him, I know that. My biggest fear now is that since he was having sex with others (deep down I knew he was, my gut feeling was screaming at me, and then there were the signs), he may have given me STDs that may last a lifetime. I am scared, but I still have a long wait until I can get tested.

[greta96]

There must be another bar you can hang out at.

 

I'm thinking over the weekend we'll see a post where you went to his bar, saw him and then felt awful all over again, only worse, because he either ignored you or you saw him flirting with another woman or he put the moves on you and you "couldn't resist".

 

The fact that you've said many, many times that you still want him leads me to believe you're attempting to fool yourself into thinking you can be indifferent to him. I doubt you are there yet.

 

I saw him last weekend already... I made sure not to go anywhere close to him, and oddly enough I didn't feel bothered by him almost at all. Now to be honest, the alcohol I had helped lol.

I can honestly say I don't want him back, at least not as a boyfriend (God no!). As a friend maybe, but we already established he was never a friend, it was just an act on his part to get to me. So I really hope I am strong enough to be around him and not care. I did it before, I am sure I can do it again

[Batya33]

I saw him last weekend already... I made sure not to go anywhere close to him, and oddly enough I didn't feel bothered by him almost at all. Now to be honest, the alcohol I had helped lol.

I can honestly say I don't want him back, at least not as a boyfriend (God no!). As a friend maybe, but we already established he was never a friend, it was just an act on his part to get to me. So I really hope I am strong enough to be around him and not care. I did it before, I am sure I can do it again

 

Can you do other activities/go to other places other than bars and in particular that bar?

[greta96]

Can you do other activities/go to other places other than bars and in particular that bar?

 

Depends on my friends... it is the closest to all of us, and age-appropriate as we don't like bars that cater to young crowds...But we no longer go every week, just once in a while anyway

[greta96]

I think in all this, what hurts the most is that he pretended to be a friend. He sucked as a partner, I knew there was never going to be a "happily ever after" because I knew he never wanted that sort of commitment with anyone, but on some level I was sure he was going to be in my life at the very least as a friend forever (maybe with benefits, maybe not, I am not one to care much about sex anyway).

 

Before we started our "relationship", when we were "just friends", I knew his b-day was coming up and I knew exactly the gift I was going to give him, I had remembered him wanting it 7 years ago and I knew he still hadn't gotten it. I still remember searching for days for the right one, as it wasn't easy to find, and the joy I felt when I finally ordered it online. It was NOT to impress him, not to "score points", it was from the bottom of my heart because I thought he was a dear friend. I was so excited in the weeks until his b-day, when I finally gave it to him. I think for the first time in my life I understood what it meant to feel happiness at making someone else happy!

And it did, when he saw it he was stunned, couldn't believe his eyes, and in fact cried - this cold man who feels no emotion, actually cried! He said nobody had ever taken the time to actually think of something he wanted, and it was the best gift he had gotten in his whole life. That was probably the only authentic emotion he expressed throughout our 9 year history. We had the most wonderful day, that I will never forget. Since that day, that object has always been around him, close to him, he moved it around according to the room he was in.

 

And now he is looking at it and feels nothing for me? Even worse, has (and had) sex with women looking at it? And thinks ignoring me is the kind of treatment I deserve? After me having done nothing to upset him, hurt him?

 

I thought our friendship was special...and now I realize it was all a lie, there was no friendship at all, in spite of how real it felt. This is what hurts the most.

[Batya33]

I think it's very difficult to have a friendship with someone who is cheating on his girlfriend when he's with you - and that's even putting aside how difficult it is to stay friends with someone you hooked up with regularly. Friendship requires trust and also inclusiveness - when he was cheating on his girlfriend it meant that he had to keep entire parts of his life separate from you. Not a good foundation for a friendship.

 

If your friends like to go to bars with any regularity I'd branch out and find new people to socialize with who have a more varied social life.

[ThatwasThen]

I think in all this, what hurts the most is that he pretended to be a friend. He sucked as a partner, I knew there was never going to be a "happily ever after" because I knew he never wanted that sort of commitment with anyone, but on some level I was sure he was going to be in my life at the very least as a friend forever (maybe with benefits, maybe not, I am not one to care much about sex anyway).

 

Before we started our "relationship", when we were "just friends", I knew his b-day was coming up and I knew exactly the gift I was going to give him, I had remembered him wanting it 7 years ago and I knew he still hadn't gotten it. I still remember searching for days for the right one, as it wasn't easy to find, and the joy I felt when I finally ordered it online. It was NOT to impress him, not to "score points", it was from the bottom of my heart because I thought he was a dear friend. I was so excited in the weeks until his b-day, when I finally gave it to him. I think for the first time in my life I understood what it meant to feel happiness at making someone else happy!

And it did, when he saw it he was stunned, couldn't believe his eyes, and in fact cried - this cold man who feels no emotion, actually cried! He said nobody had ever taken the time to actually think of something he wanted, and it was the best gift he had gotten in his whole life. That was probably the only authentic emotion he expressed throughout our 9 year history. We had the most wonderful day, that I will never forget. Since that day, that object has always been around him, close to him, he moved it around according to the room he was in.

 

And now he is looking at it and feels nothing for me? Even worse, has (and had) sex with women looking at it? And thinks ignoring me is the kind of treatment I deserve? After me having done nothing to upset him, hurt him?

 

I thought our friendship was special...and now I realize it was all a lie, there was no friendship at all, in spite of how real it felt. This is what hurts the most.

What did HE buy you that showed that he was thinking of you?

[boltnrun]

I think in all this, what hurts the most is that he pretended to be a friend. He sucked as a partner, I knew there was never going to be a "happily ever after" because I knew he never wanted that sort of commitment with anyone, but on some level I was sure he was going to be in my life at the very least as a friend forever (maybe with benefits, maybe not, I am not one to care much about sex anyway).

 

Before we started our "relationship", when we were "just friends", I knew his b-day was coming up and I knew exactly the gift I was going to give him, I had remembered him wanting it 7 years ago and I knew he still hadn't gotten it. I still remember searching for days for the right one, as it wasn't easy to find, and the joy I felt when I finally ordered it online. It was NOT to impress him, not to "score points", it was from the bottom of my heart because I thought he was a dear friend. I was so excited in the weeks until his b-day, when I finally gave it to him. I think for the first time in my life I understood what it meant to feel happiness at making someone else happy!

And it did, when he saw it he was stunned, couldn't believe his eyes, and in fact cried - this cold man who feels no emotion, actually cried! He said nobody had ever taken the time to actually think of something he wanted, and it was the best gift he had gotten in his whole life. That was probably the only authentic emotion he expressed throughout our 9 year history. We had the most wonderful day, that I will never forget. Since that day, that object has always been around him, close to him, he moved it around according to the room he was in.

 

And now he is looking at it and feels nothing for me? Even worse, has (and had) sex with women looking at it? And thinks ignoring me is the kind of treatment I deserve? After me having done nothing to upset him, hurt him?

 

I thought our friendship was special...and now I realize it was all a lie, there was no friendship at all, in spite of how real it felt. This is what hurts the most.

 

But this is exactly why I think it's a mistake to keep hanging around him. You're obviously still very, very hurt.

 

I don't believe that if/when you see him with another woman you won't be bothered one bit.

[ThatwasThen]

What did HE buy you that showed that he was thinking of you?

Adding: Why is it always the woman that buys the gifts for the guy that is treating them like a narcissist would?

[boltnrun]

Adding: Why is it always the woman that buys the gifts for the guy that is treating them like a narcissist would?

 

It's part of the "pick me!" game.

 

It's not necessarily "competing" against other women. It's trying to show the guy how awesome you are so he'll want to be with you full time.

[ThatwasThen]

It's part of the "pick me!" game.

 

It's not necessarily "competing" against other women. It's trying to show the guy how awesome you are so he'll want to be with you full time.

That's why I say its imperative that you work on You, Greta so that you truly believe YOU are the prize, not him. When you know that you are the prize, then you would have dumped this guy (even as a friend) long before he was able to groom you into being addicted to him.

 

There is a reason why you only think you deserve what he was throwing your way. Google and do research on what that may be instead of fixating on what 'ism' he may have. I think that when things like this happen to us (the general us) more times then not, it is us that are not ready for any type of solid commitment otherwise we would dump guys that fly red flags and we wouldn't ignore them. Say that is the case here, why do you think you're afraid of commitment?

[greta96]

What did HE buy you that showed that he was thinking of you?

 

Well that's the funny thing... it was something meaningful, even though way cheaper (but I don't care about matching costs when it comes to gifts). You know how I said all those years ago he dumped me on my b-day, after having ignored the plans he himself had made for us?

Well this time around my b-day was before his, and he made a point out of spending it with me! He even took the night off from the bar, and said b-days are special and should be acknowledged accordingly (yes I felt the sting thinking of the past, he had no recollection that he had dumped me on my b-day).

Anyway, then he gave me this book that he had been talking about years ago and again this time around, a book he had loved quite a lot. Not his own book of course, a second hand copy, but still...

 

I took it as something so meaningful and mystical, like in some way he made it up to me 6 years later for the heartbreak... it totally contributed to my feeling that he was "the one".

[greta96]

But this is exactly why I think it's a mistake to keep hanging around him. You're obviously still very, very hurt.

 

I don't believe that if/when you see him with another woman you won't be bothered one bit.

 

Omg I really, REALLY hope I won't ever get to see that... Even though now I know the woman would receive the same treatment I did, it would still hurt so bad! But I still have some faith in him that he wouldn't do that to me, he wouldn't be THAT evil

[greta96]

It's part of the "pick me!" game.

 

It's not necessarily "competing" against other women. It's trying to show the guy how awesome you are so he'll want to be with you full time.

 

No, I swear, it wasn't like that at all.... He had talked about that object for so long and with so much passion, I had wanted to give it to him even 7 years ago, but we broke up before his b-day...so this time around I finally did it. I always wanted him to have it, it's so hard to explain... I knew it would make him happy, it wasn't to score points because at the time I didn't think we'd even get together like that.

[greta96]

That's why I say its imperative that you work on You, Greta so that you truly believe YOU are the prize, not him. When you know that you are the prize, then you would have dumped this guy (even as a friend) long before he was able to groom you into being addicted to him.

 

There is a reason why you only think you deserve what he was throwing your way. Google and do research on what that may be instead of fixating on what 'ism' he may have. I think that when things like this happen to us (the general us) more times then not, it is us that are not ready for any type of solid commitment otherwise we would dump guys that fly red flags and we wouldn't ignore them. Say that is the case here, why do you think you're afraid of commitment?

 

That's true, I don't want commitment...at least not the typical kind. I still want someone to be exclusive with me, but I have no intention of getting married again or even living with someone, that's just something I don't want, so you can see how me and him actually wanted the same thing! Which makes it even more puzzling why he let me go, because most women he'll be with will want to eventually move in with him and blend families, and he's aware of that. So I don't get it, I was the perfect partner for him!?

[ThatwasThen]

Well that's the funny thing... it was something meaningful, even though way cheaper (but I don't care about matching costs when it comes to gifts). You know how I said all those years ago he dumped me on my b-day, after having ignored the plans he himself had made for us?

Well this time around my b-day was before his, and he made a point out of spending it with me! He even took the night off from the bar, and said b-days are special and should be acknowledged accordingly (yes I felt the sting thinking of the past, he had no recollection that he had dumped me on my b-day).

Anyway, then he gave me this book that he had been talking about years ago and again this time around, a book he had loved quite a lot. Not his own book of course, a second hand copy, but still...

 

I took it as something so meaningful and mystical, like in some way he made it up to me 6 years later for the heartbreak... it totally contributed to my feeling that he was "the one".

 

You are a cheap date. He gave you something that was meaningful FOR HIM. How all about Me of him. Hardly as romantic as you have framed it in your mind. That would have been a Homer buying Marge a bowling ball with his name on it moment for me.

 

He could have easily given you that book anytime and gave you something that you had told him would be special to you.

[boltnrun]

Omg I really, REALLY hope I won't ever get to see that... Even though now I know the woman would receive the same treatment I did, it would still hurt so bad! But I still have some faith in him that he wouldn't do that to me, he wouldn't be THAT evil

 

Why are you assigning him such virtue?

 

He had NO PROBLEM whatsoever stringing you along as the other woman for a long time. What about that makes you think he has any consideration about whether or not seeing him with another woman would hurt you??

[greta96]

Why are you assigning him such virtue?

 

He had NO PROBLEM whatsoever stringing you along as the other woman for a long time. What about that makes you think he has any consideration about whether or not seeing him with another woman would hurt you??

 

At the very least, I assume he would be worried I would go and tell the woman the truth (if he is with the woman I've been mentioning in my posts). If it's another one, then yes that might be a problem, although something tells me he wouldn't want me bringing my new dates there either. A matter of basic respect I guess... But we'll see, maybe I am giving him too much credit...

[greta96]

You are a cheap date. He gave you something that was meaningful FOR HIM. How all about Me of him. Hardly as romantic as you have framed it in your mind. That would have been a Homer buying Marge a bowling ball with his name on it moment for me.

 

He could have easily given you that book anytime and gave you something that you had told him would be special to you.

 

I don't think he ever knew what was special to me...he never asked anyway. But it was the time we spent together on my b-day that really mattered and felt like a retribution for the past.

[mandeelove]

I think you are human. You had emotions with this guy and decided to do it again. Every women has done this before, including me. We reconcile with an ex and they hurt us again. But we could never really know until we tried it. So u tried it again and he hurt u. Im sure u learned ur lesson now and other lessons in general. From here on out I wouldnt analyze the situation too much. I wouldnt blame yourself. This guy obv has issues and u found out twice so now its out of your system. Dont waste ur time on this another second. I would take a break, focus on you and when ur totally over it, try to date again. I am sorry to hear it didnt work out.

[greta96]

I think you are human. You had emotions with this guy and decided to do it again. Every women has done this before, including me. We reconcile with an ex and they hurt us again. But we could never really know until we tried it. So u tried it again and he hurt u. Im sure u learned ur lesson now and other lessons in general. From here on out I wouldnt analyze the situation too much. I wouldnt blame yourself. This guy obv has issues and u found out twice so now its out of your system. Dont waste ur time on this another second. I would take a break, focus on you and when ur totally over it, try to date again. I am sorry to hear it didnt work out.

 

Thank you!

I will never let myself be fooled by him again, if he was to try again - not that I think he would. I had major trust issues after the first round, and for the first few months I was in awe that he actually kept in touch and called when he said he would (for the most part). I always expected him to disappear, like he had in the past.

He could tell I had trust issues and was always getting annoyed. He couldn't understand why I had them, and expected me to trust him 100% until he gave me a reason not to. He was unable to comprehend that I couldn't trust him because 1) the way he had treated me in the past, and 2) the way I had just seen him treat his supposedly-girlfriend. I was the one showing more remorse than him, and not only did I not owe her anything, but I hated the woman for having interfered with my relationship with him in the past!

 

If he was to ever return, I could not fake even an ounce of trust. I would not even trust him if I was to chain him to the bedpost lol...so I'm sure I will never make that mistake again.

[greta96]

What I cannot understand, and makes no sense to me, is his silence after the breakup. Right after he said he wasn't going to contact me anymore because I wanted more than he could give me, I tried to have a conversation with him and understand why he would just cut me off like that, and he never replied. A few days later I figured I might as well try to save the friendship (I wasn't yet aware there wasn't any friendship to begin with), so I sent him a nice email reassuring him that while I didn't want the relationship back, I valued his friendship and asked him to communicate to at least save that. He always said how he liked talking to me. And he didn't reply to that one either! I have no idea why he is giving me the silent treatment, when I did nothing to upset him? I suppose the answer is that he was never a true friend, and he is admitting to it by staying silent.

We already established he is perfectly capable of cheating, so I doubt his silence is because he is loyal to whoever he's with now...

[Batya33]

He was silent because it is consistent with his behavior and actions from the beginning -for the most part he behaved in an unreliable, untrustworthy way. So, what is surprising about his continuing to behave that way by disappearing instead of having a direct and honest conversation? He said a lot of nice words and his actions showed that he did not have genuine or honorable intentions towards you or his girlfriend at the time.