Dated, broke up, reconciled, had a relationship, now dumped again

[lostandhurt]

greta,

 

You have questions you feel NEED answers so you can move on. Everyone thinks they need answers and it will make it easier but it rarely does.

 

Why did he do those things? Because he knew they would work on you. From his point of view he kept adding things until he knew he had you and then he could stop.

 

Why is he acting the way he is? Because he never had the emotional bond you did and he is probably not capable of that kind of depth. He is a used car salesman of the dating world.

 

If this happened to your best friend the answers would come to you very quickly but since your heart is involved everything is clouded by your love for him.

 

The reason you want him back is because you have imagined him to be what he simply cannot be. In your eyes against all proof to the contrary he is still the one. They guy you want, the guy that listens, the guy you had a great connection with, the guy that made you feel special and the guy that you could see yourself with forever. Your mind knows better but your heart simply does not give up that easy, no ones does. It happened to me and it happens to others everyday. Don't beat yourself up over it, accept it and help your mind win over your heart.

 

This guy is good at what he does and has no problem lying, acting, blaming you and manipulating you to get what he wants. What was that you ask? He wanted a part time girlfriend on his terms and his time, not yours.

 

I am sorry Greta but you were the victim of a romantic con man. He is obviously very good at what he does. Don't be ashamed of what happened because your heart was open like it should be and you tried your best but it was all one sided.

 

You have so much value so don't ever forget that.

 

Lost

[greta96]

He was silent because it is consistent with his behavior and actions from the beginning -for the most part he behaved in an unreliable, untrustworthy way. So, what is surprising about his continuing to behave that way by disappearing instead of having a direct and honest conversation? He said a lot of nice words and his actions showed that he did not have genuine or honorable intentions towards you or his girlfriend at the time.

 

I remember when he was telling me he was going to break up with that woman, he was saying how he wanted to meet with her in person, because that was the right thing to do... Then later on when I once asked him if they were still in touch, he said they had sent each other Happy B-day messages but that was all. So, they were keeping in touch (that is a given, he told me himself, never mind my suspicions that he never ended anything with her). So then...why was it ok to dump me so coldly over text message, and then give me the silent treatment? Why treat her right and throw me like a used napkin?

Unless of course he never broke up with her (which is most likely what happened).

i don't know anymore!

[greta96]

greta,

 

You have questions you feel NEED answers so you can move on. Everyone thinks they need answers and it will make it easier but it rarely does.

 

Why did he do those things? Because he knew they would work on you. From his point of view he kept adding things until he knew he had you and then he could stop.

 

Why is he acting the way he is? Because he never had the emotional bond you did and he is probably not capable of that kind of depth. He is a used car salesman of the dating world.

 

If this happened to your best friend the answers would come to you very quickly but since your heart is involved everything is clouded by your love for him.

 

The reason you want him back is because you have imagined him to be what he simply cannot be. In your eyes against all proof to the contrary he is still the one. They guy you want, the guy that listens, the guy you had a great connection with, the guy that made you feel special and the guy that you could see yourself with forever. Your mind knows better but your heart simply does not give up that easy, no ones does. It happened to me and it happens to others everyday. Don't beat yourself up over it, accept it and help your mind win over your heart.

 

This guy is good at what he does and has no problem lying, acting, blaming you and manipulating you to get what he wants. What was that you ask? He wanted a part time girlfriend on his terms and his time, not yours.

 

I am sorry Greta but you were the victim of a romantic con man. He is obviously very good at what he does. Don't be ashamed of what happened because your heart was open like it should be and you tried your best but it was all one sided.

 

You have so much value so don't ever forget that.

 

Lost

 

Thank you Lost, you're right. He's been this way his whole life, avoided getting too deeply involved with anyone, and never really looked for a true partner, but someone convenient and especially docile, who goes along with everything he wants and never questions him. He can't stand being questioned. I guess this was his biggest problem with me, I couldn't keep my mouth shut. Well I tried and I did many times, but sometimes the lies were so obvious I just couldn't not bring it up... He doesn't believe in discussing problems and trying to solve them, he thinks the best way to deal with an issue is by not talking about it and pretending it didn't happen. Every time I tried explaining to him why I was feeling the way I was feeling, he would dismiss it as me being insecure and annoying. I tried telling him I was worried he would do to me what he did to that woman with me, and his answer was (yelling) "I did not cheat on her, I told you a million times it was barely a relationship at that point so how was I cheating?"... and yet, he was still seeing her and having sex with her.

The relationship was 100% on his terms.

 

It was such a roller coaster and I behaved in ways I never thought I was capable of, it will be a while until I will be able to make peace with everything. And then there's still those residual feelings for the man, and the memories of the great times we shared...

[mandeelove]

Thank you!

I will never let myself be fooled by him again, if he was to try again - not that I think he would. I had major trust issues after the first round, and for the first few months I was in awe that he actually kept in touch and called when he said he would (for the most part). I always expected him to disappear, like he had in the past.

He could tell I had trust issues and was always getting annoyed. He couldn't understand why I had them, and expected me to trust him 100% until he gave me a reason not to. He was unable to comprehend that I couldn't trust him because 1) the way he had treated me in the past, and 2) the way I had just seen him treat his supposedly-girlfriend. I was the one showing more remorse than him, and not only did I not owe her anything, but I hated the woman for having interfered with my relationship with him in the past!

 

If he was to ever return, I could not fake even an ounce of trust. I would not even trust him if I was to chain him to the bedpost lol...so I'm sure I will never make that mistake again.

Yes 100 percent! U will never trust him because he keeps abandoning you without warning. I wouldnt even answer him if I were you. You tried to have a civil convo and he would not even answer and atleast leave you on a high note. That shows you how bad he really is. Not sure why people do this but you did nothing wrong. You are the bigger person. You can use your good qualities on someone who deserves it and at very least will not just abandon you without a word. Thats low and it has happened to me so I know the feeling. Good luck to you. I hope u never look back even though its hard right now.

[mandeelove]

By the way there could be a possibility he went back with her. He never really left her the right way either. He was seeing the both of you. So he def has issues with ending things. He overlaps relationships. Even if he broke up in person with her, he was seeing you at same time so thats not good either. She didnt get much better than you. She was getting played.

[greta96]

Yes 100 percent! U will never trust him because he keeps abandoning you without warning. I wouldnt even answer him if I were you. You tried to have a civil convo and he would not even answer and atleast leave you on a high note. That shows you how bad he really is. Not sure why people do this but you did nothing wrong. You are the bigger person. You can use your good qualities on someone who deserves it and at very least will not just abandon you without a word. Thats low and it has happened to me so I know the feeling. Good luck to you. I hope u never look back even though its hard right now.

 

Yes, leaving someone just like that and then giving them the silent treatment is one of the cruelest things one can do... I would maybe expect it from some guy I met on a dating site and had no history with, but with him, there is so much history, we've known one another for so long (almost 10 years now!), shared so much, spent so much time talking on the phone especially for the past year, that the way he ended it cut extra deep. I can't reconcile one with the other. Especially since his reason for the breakup was that he can't give me what I want...ok, but why not be nicer about it? He made up a whole story about his teenage kids moving in with him, just to justify his "lack of time" for a relationship...as if that would have been a reason to end a relationship with someone!

Lies, lies and more lies, this was the relationship.

[greta96]

By the way there could be a possibility he went back with her. He never really left her the right way either. He was seeing the both of you. So he def has issues with ending things. He overlaps relationships. Even if he broke up in person with her, he was seeing you at same time so thats not good either. She didnt get much better than you. She was getting played.

 

Yeah I don't think he ever left her. Obviously she was easy to sneak behind her back (he did so for 6 months while getting closer to me), so of course she got played big time. Interestingly enough, when I reconnected with him he said he was "on and off" with her. I suppose off when he'd meet someone else to date, and on when he got bored of that someone else. And if they did break up and now back together, her newly found happiness at having him will be short lived, because he will most definitely fool around with others behind her back. She must be really, really stupid, which is exactly the kind of woman he wants so he can play as he wishes. Ugh.

[Batya33]

I think speculating about what he is doing or about what she is like is a huge waste of time. Someone I dated was a huge player for many years and after he ended things with me he met his future wife about 6 months later when he was 40. Now he did send me some marginally inappropriate messages when he was serious with her and married to her but from all i know they’re happy together for the last dozen years. That is why you shouldn’t stay in touch. He could be inspired to commit either because he changes or he meets someone who he’s crazy about at the right time. And if you stay in touch with him it will hurt so much more.

[ThatwasThen]

Yeah I don't think he ever left her. Obviously she was easy to sneak behind her back (he did so for 6 months while getting closer to me), so of course she got played big time. Interestingly enough, when I reconnected with him he said he was "on and off" with her. I suppose off when he'd meet someone else to date, and on when he got bored of that someone else. And if they did break up and now back together, her newly found happiness at having him will be short lived, because he will most definitely fool around with others behind her back. She must be really, really stupid, which is exactly the kind of woman he wants so he can play as he wishes. Ugh.

You are calling the kettle black when you've been the pot. You are taking zero responsibility for the state you're currently in over this guy and as long as you keep looking at yourself as the victim and her the stupid one, you're going to take a whole lot longer to get to the blissful stage of indifference to the douche.

[greta96]

You are calling the kettle black when you've been the pot. You are taking zero responsibility for the state you're currently in over this guy and as long as you keep looking at yourself as the victim and her the stupid one, you're going to take a whole lot longer to get to the blissful stage of indifference to the douche.

 

In a way I blame myself for not being more like her, aka keeping my mouth shut like she probably did. This will sound pathetic, but she actually did the right things in order to keep him - let him do whatever he wanted and get away with murder. I wasn't doing the same, so I got the boot.

In the end I think we are both victims, me and her. However she is the one who still has him, and I am the one he is giving the silent treatment to, because I spoke up.

I hope I get to that blissful stage somehow, but I doubt it. Time will pass and the pain will dull, but come summer I will constantly be reminded of all the things we did, because there will be nobody else to do them with - at least nobody I would be into as much as I was into him. That, I know for sure. It's been 9 years now that no guy has been able to make me feel the way this guy has, and I meet guys often. I even tried dating once or twice, but I felt nothing for them.

[Batya33]

I don't think you're a victim because you had eyes wide open, the whole time. He acted like a jerk in giving you the silent treatment so if you relish the "victim" label you are a victim of his choice to act like a jerk. Of course he was able to make you feel excited, etc - he is a safe bet - you knew he would never really commit to you -and for quite awhile he was committed elsewhere -so you get the thrills and excitement and none of the effort and work of a healthy, mature relationship. No one is supposed to "make you feel" - you're supposed to make healthful and good choices and get out of your comfort zone and be a giving person in a relationship where the other person can give and has the potential to give to you -and you seem to want long term -so you say - so then giving in a potentially long term way.

 

She doesn't "have him" -she has the physical presence of a person who probably has one foot out the door. I say probably because, again, people aren't robots -tomorrow he could have an epiphany and start making better choices and become the right person to find the right person. I hope you get there, too.

[greta96]

I don't think you're a victim because you had eyes wide open, the whole time. He acted like a jerk in giving you the silent treatment so if you relish the "victim" label you are a victim of his choice to act like a jerk. Of course he was able to make you feel excited, etc - he is a safe bet - you knew he would never really commit to you -and for quite awhile he was committed elsewhere -so you get the thrills and excitement and none of the effort and work of a healthy, mature relationship. No one is supposed to "make you feel" - you're supposed to make healthful and good choices and get out of your comfort zone and be a giving person in a relationship where the other person can give and has the potential to give to you -and you seem to want long term -so you say - so then giving in a potentially long term way.

 

She doesn't "have him" -she has the physical presence of a person who probably has one foot out the door. I say probably because, again, people aren't robots -tomorrow he could have an epiphany and start making better choices and become the right person to find the right person. I hope you get there, too.

 

 

I definitely don't see myself as a victim, because I knew what was happening every step of the way, nobody had to tell me that things weren't quite right, I knew it myself. Sometimes I was so acutely aware of that fact that I felt embarrassed to even tell my friends about some instances that had happened. I knew, but I wanted to deny it because I didn't want to lose this person again, and everybody was already giving me grief over putting up with the few situations I did ask opinions about. I really thought that even though not ideal, this relationship would last long term because on the paper we were the perfect fit. Neither one wanted to change our living arrangements, it was an unsaid understanding that we were never going to be "in love", get married etc. I seemed to fit his criteria physically, intellectually and in every other way.At least that's what he'd tell me... Unfortunately this is a man who wants perfection, but since nobody is perfect and we all have flaws, he will always grow bored in his relationships.

 

Anyway, no, I really don't see myself as a victim, because I did everything I did knowingly. I just got good at denying the reality right under my eyes, and that's because for reasons that even I don't understand, this man is special to me. Yes, still is, despite everything that happened and despite the fact that we will never be together again.

 

And you're right, she doesn't "have him", just his shell...but then again, nobody will ever truly have him.

[Batya33]

OK because you wrote "I think we are both victims,"

 

So - no, not a perfect fit because for most of that time he was not that into you and for part of that time he had a girlfriend who he was cheating on. You have no idea if he will always expect perfection - many people change -indeed, how would you like it if someone assumed that you will always go for unavailable men because that's what you've done recently?

 

He is special to you because you can put him on a pedestal. You don't have to know the nitty gritty details of him or his flaws or live with them with any regularity because he never wanted to be committed to you and you knew that - meaning he didn't want it badly enough to make the necessary changes. He is out of your reach, a challenge and therefore he is a trophy, a prize and therefore you keep wanting to pursue him. The real challenge -loving a human being even when you win the prize - even when things are not that exciting, or are stressful either in your relationship or otherwise, even when .... so I think the answer is simple. What is also simple is that you can choose not to overthink or dwell on this person who isn't right for you (but may very well be right for someone else- accept that - even though it's ego bruising). What's hard is making the right choices so that you're in a place and a mindset where you don't dwell on unavailable men.

[ThatwasThen]

In a way I blame myself for not being more like her, aka keeping my mouth shut like she probably did.

Those are the words of a co-dependent. Someone that doesn't think much of themselves and are willing to settle for what crumbs a cheater will give her.

 

This will sound pathetic, but she actually did the right things in order to keep him - let him do whatever he wanted and get away with murder. I wasn't doing the same, so I got the boot.

Good for you for at least having SOME standards. Just how long do you think you'd be able to put up with never seeing him for prime holidays or (gasps) you fell pregnant by this guy that stays with the girl with zero standards? The chick that puts up with his sharing himself with who ever is desperate enough to settle to be his 2nd or 3rd line may very well be just like him and she too is not monogamous by nature and supplements her sex life with others as well.

 

In the end I think we are both victims, me and her.

Neither of you are "victims" of him. You are volunteers because you both know that he's not going to ever go monogamous for either of you. You both have a lot of work to do to either learn how to be poly in nature, (just like him) or to work on your self-worth so that you truly believe you deserve more then being someone's 2nd line.

 

However she is the one who still has him, and I am the one he is giving the silent treatment to, because I spoke up.

Will you please get over yourself! For god sakes you are talking like had you kept quiet you would have won. Well you would never win with a man like him because the only one who wins is him. He's a ball freak who gets a thrill out of conquering insecure women who are incapable of forming dating goals because those are the ones that are very are easy to claim.

 

I hope I get to that blissful stage somehow, but I doubt it.

You wont' as long as you think you lost and she won. You are making your pain your best friend instead of starting the work you need to do to top up your worth in your own mind.

 

Time will pass and the pain will dull, but come summer I will constantly be reminded of all the things we did, because there will be nobody else to do them with - at least nobody I would be into as much as I was into him.

You better get yourself into therapy then because if you think what you had with him was worth you wallowing after then you need help with your standards and love of self will help you with that but first you have to think more of yourself then you currently do.

 

That, I know for sure. It's been 9 years now that no guy has been able to make me feel the way this guy has, and I meet guys often. I even tried dating once or twice, but I felt nothing for them.

I rest my case... get yourself into therapy to help you overcome something in your past that has you believing that a guy that treats you as his 2nd line is to be placed on such a pedestal.

 

You are addicted to the emotional turmoil that you went through while being hung up on a giant douche who flew enough red flags your way to be seen from the international space station. When he gave you the little attention that he did, he eased the very pain he caused you by being indifferent to you. You are fixated on the relief (which you deem to be a "connection") instead of focusing on the dysfunction.

[ThatwasThen]

BTW: and further to above:

 

First you say you feel both her and you are victims then you say you don't see yourself as a victim. You are all over the place in your thought process and he, yet again, is the 'winner' since he still rents space in your brain for free.

[Batya33]

BTW: and further to above:

 

First you say you feel both her and you are victims then you say you don't see yourself as a victim. You are all over the place in your thought process and he, yet again, is the 'winner' since he still rents space in your brain for free.

 

I was going to put it this way too although not as succintly as you!

[maynards_razorblade69]

OP, you sound like an intelligent, kind person with a lot of love to give, who’s seeking a connection that actually means something (not easy in this social media age). Despite knowing from the start that something was “off” with this chap, that he wasn’t treating someone else very well and that you might get hurt, you took a risk and tried for a relationship based on the connection you felt for him. Some people here are posting that you knew what you were getting into when you started it. That may be true, but it’s vastly unhelpful. I don’t think you should be blamed for trusting someone. Equally, try not to think of yourself as a victim (if you do) because that won’t help empower you to move on. Either the guy’s a narcissist/psychopath/borderline personality (very possible) or he’s simply a childish jerk. You can spend hours sleuthing the web for proof that he’s a narcissist and this can be very helpful – so do it! It can be empowering to see actions of his that baffle you crop up as “symptoms” of narcissism and the sense of relief may really help you to move on. But, ultimately, the thing to concentrate on is how he made you feel. If you felt that you were manipulated, ridden over, that he was playing you in some way, that he didn’t respect you, that he lied to you, etc., these aren’t the feelings you’ll have in a good relationship. You are better than that and deserve more, truly.

 

 

Don’t beat yourself up about wading into a relationship you weren’t entirely convinced about, but maybe try to think back to when it started and what your intuition was telling you. You’ll learn to trust your own intuition more if you get in touch with it and admit that, maybe, your inner voice was telling you something wasn’t right. You’ll be a better judge of character next time. That’s just one of the great things breaking up has done for you – you’re out of a relationship that wasn’t satisfying, you’re not the woman on the side that’s getting played (nor should you EVER be) anymore, you’re free to find someone that will love, respect and cherish you and you may feel later that you’ve learned something important about yourself in all this.

 

 

WHY did he do all this? Because he’s not like you – he doesn’t have your kindness or high moral code, he doesn’t treat people with respect, he doesn’t understand or care about the pain he inflicts. The reason he was able to ride all over you like this is because you’re a great person willing to trust and love someone. He’s not. Please do yourself a favour and stay kind and trusting, but get tougher on who you’re willing to share your wonderfulness with. Unfortunately, manipulators and toxic people prey on lovely people. I don’t think you’ll ever really understand why he’s done what he done because the whole act of crapping on someone else isn’t in your moral vocabulary. To really understand WHY, you’d have to be a jerk too. Instead of thinking “why?”, think “what next?” and make “next” as fabulous as you can. Good luck!

[greta96]

OP, you sound like an intelligent, kind person with a lot of love to give, who’s seeking a connection that actually means something (not easy in this social media age). Despite knowing from the start that something was “off” with this chap, that he wasn’t treating someone else very well and that you might get hurt, you took a risk and tried for a relationship based on the connection you felt for him. Some people here are posting that you knew what you were getting into when you started it. That may be true, but it’s vastly unhelpful. I don’t think you should be blamed for trusting someone. Equally, try not to think of yourself as a victim (if you do) because that won’t help empower you to move on. Either the guy’s a narcissist/psychopath/borderline personality (very possible) or he’s simply a childish jerk. You can spend hours sleuthing the web for proof that he’s a narcissist and this can be very helpful – so do it! It can be empowering to see actions of his that baffle you crop up as “symptoms” of narcissism and the sense of relief may really help you to move on. But, ultimately, the thing to concentrate on is how he made you feel. If you felt that you were manipulated, ridden over, that he was playing you in some way, that he didn’t respect you, that he lied to you, etc., these aren’t the feelings you’ll have in a good relationship. You are better than that and deserve more, truly.

 

 

Don’t beat yourself up about wading into a relationship you weren’t entirely convinced about, but maybe try to think back to when it started and what your intuition was telling you. You’ll learn to trust your own intuition more if you get in touch with it and admit that, maybe, your inner voice was telling you something wasn’t right. You’ll be a better judge of character next time. That’s just one of the great things breaking up has done for you – you’re out of a relationship that wasn’t satisfying, you’re not the woman on the side that’s getting played (nor should you EVER be) anymore, you’re free to find someone that will love, respect and cherish you and you may feel later that you’ve learned something important about yourself in all this.

 

 

WHY did he do all this? Because he’s not like you – he doesn’t have your kindness or high moral code, he doesn’t treat people with respect, he doesn’t understand or care about the pain he inflicts. The reason he was able to ride all over you like this is because you’re a great person willing to trust and love someone. He’s not. Please do yourself a favour and stay kind and trusting, but get tougher on who you’re willing to share your wonderfulness with. Unfortunately, manipulators and toxic people prey on lovely people. I don’t think you’ll ever really understand why he’s done what he done because the whole act of crapping on someone else isn’t in your moral vocabulary. To really understand WHY, you’d have to be a jerk too. Instead of thinking “why?”, think “what next?” and make “next” as fabulous as you can. Good luck!

 

Thank you for your kind words! Those who say I knew what I was getting into are right unfortunately, I did know, but it doesn't make a difference now given the outcome. Had I not tried the relationship, I would have wondered what if for the rest of my life. It's like I HAD to try. And try, and try... In all fairness, my intuition was SCREAMING at me at least once a week that something was terribly wrong. I'd wake up feeling as if someone had stabbed me in the heart with no apparent reason sometimes, and it felt like I had seen him cheating even though I never had. I chose to think I was just being paranoid, as I was unable to make the distinction between gut feeling and paranoia. There were days/evenings when I *knew* he was with someone else, I don't know how I knew but it was something inside that was feeling sick. Looking back, I was probably right in most cases.

I remember even when we reconnected and we were "friends" for the first 6 months, I was telling myself "gosh it sucks that he is cheating on his girlfriend because how could I trust him if we were to get together?". Well, that kind of thinking went out the window too!

 

I ignored my own intuition, I ignored the advice my friends gave me, I ignored the advice I received on forums, because I really, really didn't want to lose him. Why? Who knows... apparently it's called "trauma bonding".

 

You're right, I will never understand why he did what he did, and he certainly isn't kind enough to tell me, he has ignored both my attempts to get closure from him. I still wreck my brain trying to understand things and come to terms with the fact that he wasn't even my friend, which is a particularly tough pill to swallow but I don't have much choice.

 

For the time being, I look at men and I see trees, that's how not interested I am in ever dating someone again. He was the one I wanted, and I'd rather be alone forever than with someone else.

[greta96]

BTW: and further to above:

 

First you say you feel both her and you are victims then you say you don't see yourself as a victim. You are all over the place in your thought process and he, yet again, is the 'winner' since he still rents space in your brain for free.

 

My head is indeed all over the place, probably because I don't even begin to know the truth, I only know the version he told me (about everything) and he lied a lot. In fact, I had never met someone with the ability to come up with a lie so fast, which is why his lies were so easy to figure out actually. It was definitely a dysfunctional relationship on his terms, that I know for sure.

But the sad reality is that he is still renting lots of space in my brain for free, and all my reading and even understanding of some of the things that happened is not successful in evicting him. Guess I need more time, I don't know.

[Batya33]

My head is indeed all over the place, probably because I don't even begin to know the truth, I only know the version he told me (about everything) and he lied a lot. In fact, I had never met someone with the ability to come up with a lie so fast, which is why his lies were so easy to figure out actually. It was definitely a dysfunctional relationship on his terms, that I know for sure.

But the sad reality is that he is still renting lots of space in my brain for free, and all my reading and even understanding of some of the things that happened is not successful in evicting him. Guess I need more time, I don't know.

 

I don't buy it. Nothing surprising about his behavior - you knew all this and you made the choice to be with him. As you said, you are not a victim here. You are all over the place because you are choosing to tell yourself lies about what happened and your role in it. If you were honest with yourself, you'd be far more centered. You don't need more time -you need to make different choices as to what you do with the time you have.

[ThatwasThen]

I don't buy it. Nothing surprising about his behavior - you knew all this and you made the choice to be with him. As you said, you are not a victim here. You are all over the place because you are choosing to tell yourself lies about what happened and your role in it. If you were honest with yourself, you'd be far more centered. You don't need more time -you need to make different choices as to what you do with the time you have.

This ^

 

Greta: Its early days since you got the cold water shock of reality as you stepped out of denial. Do your best to accept that this is not a good man, you would never be able to trust him when out of your site, you would be totally angst ridden and paranoid if you stayed in this mess you call a "connection."

 

Accept that being out of it is in your best interest, believe that lust and infatuation and relief when he showed you attention is NOT love, work to take him down off the pedestal that you put him on and realize that push/pull hot/cold relationships are not about love but rather bout addiction and Limerence.... Google limerence and read the Wiki link to it. I think you'll get to the stage of acceptance quicker when you realize what you may very well be in.

 

Don't even think about having a connection with other men or not in your future. You're still very much in this relationship (in your head) and you're too emotionally stagnated to be thinking about a future man (or men) in your life with any sort of clarity.

[ThatwasThen]

Yes, leaving someone just like that and then giving them the silent treatment is one of the cruelest things one can do... I would maybe expect it from some guy I met on a dating site and had no history with, but with him, there is so much history, we've known one another for so long (almost 10 years now!), shared so much, spent so much time talking on the phone especially for the past year, that the way he ended it cut extra deep. I can't reconcile one with the other. Especially since his reason for the breakup was that he can't give me what I want...ok, but why not be nicer about it? He made up a whole story about his teenage kids moving in with him, just to justify his "lack of time" for a relationship...as if that would have been a reason to end a relationship with someone!

Lies, lies and more lies, this was the relationship.

 

Sorry, but you may think its cruel to go NC with you but it is probably the easies way you will be able to rehab from your addiction to him but you have to first get to the stage of acceptance that your time together is over and you're best off without him because he can't be trusted to keep your heart safe, before you'll ever allow yourself to benefit from the grace that zero contact can give you. It's called cold-turkey withdrawl and it's a lot less cruel then having dabs of bread crumbs given to you that do nothing to shelve your craving but rather simply make you even hungrier for more ad nauseum.

[reinventmyself]

I don't buy it. Nothing surprising about his behavior - you knew all this and you made the choice to be with him. As you said, you are not a victim here. You are all over the place because you are choosing to tell yourself lies about what happened and your role in it. If you were honest with yourself, you'd be far more centered. You don't need more time -you need to make different choices as to what you do with the time you have.

 

Oh Batya. .that's harsh.

She admittely gave away the farm on this one. Give her sometime to sort things out and get her balance back.

(I know, because I've been where she's at more than once) It kinda reads like `get over it'

It's about learning how to do things differently and based on one individual personal experiences and upbringing, people often times make bad choices for subconscious reasons.

It's not always obvious for most.

If it was, therapists and psychologists would be out of business.

For that matter, jails and rehab centers would close too

[ThatwasThen]

Oh Batya. .that's harsh.

She admittely gave away the farm on this one. Give her sometime to sort things out and get her balance back.

(I know, because I've been where she's at more than once)

Sorry for replying to something you quoted Batya on however: We (at least I am anyway) are trying to not sugar coat anything here so that this doesn't happen to her "more than once."

 

It kinda reads like `get over it'

It's about learning how to do things differently and based on one individual personal experiences and upbringing, people often times make bad choices for subconscious reasons.

and the point of not only being empathetic in responses while pointing out excuses for one's poor choices is so that bad choices are not repeated. If Greta is never challenged on her choices and thought processes then she will be much more likely to make the same mistakes yet again over something as banal as a "connection" and to H*** with the consequences.

 

It's not always obvious for most.

If it was, therapists and psychologists would be out of business.

For that matter, jails and rehab centers would close too make it sound like the only thing that therapists are there for is to help people get over bad romantic choices. There is, of course, a lot more reasons why people need a therapist other then ignoring red flags that led to us (the general us) being played by a chronic cheater. Its not clear that greta has taken responsibility for her choices, or that she has clearly learned the lesson that she needs to learn and she is not showing that she values herself. Hence why the straight up replies from those that are going the straight up route. When she's saying things like had she kept quiet he would likely still be with her, well what good would a cheating turd who was playing the two of them be? Where is the value in him? She's willing to settle for a turd? Well, I'm not going to let that slide without pointing out the obvious.

[reinventmyself]

. If Greta is never challenged on her choices and thought processes then she will be much more likely to make the same mistakes yet again over something as banal as a "connection" and to H*** with the consequences.

 

.

Exactly. . but the beauty here is - from where I sit, she is challenging her faulty beliefs. We should be cheering her on and encouraging her.

I am just sensitive to this. I would have loved some guidance, mixed with tough love and encouragement.

Some of it comes off as criticism.