Dated, broke up, reconciled, had a relationship, now dumped again

[browneyedgirl36]

Greta, can you not convince one or both of these two people to find another acceptable bar? Even just the very close friend?

 

This was my thought as well. Find another bar! This can't possibly be the only decent ones. Or...somewhere else fun to go to -- maybe a restaurant with a nice bar?

 

Please be certain that you're not using this as an excuse to run into him. Be honest with yourself.

[greta96]

But you never really "had" him in any meaningful way so he couldn't "discard" you - you were always going to be on the radar in some peripheral way only. The good times had nothing to do with long term potential because there was never any solid long term potential. How he acted at the end was consistent with his behavior throughout -still sucks but it's not as much of a shock thank goodness - you may have been living in a fantasy cloud for awhile but you also knew that of course when he decided to stop seeing you he likely wouldn't act with character and integrity about it (and he knew you were willing to settle for scraps).

 

The ending was more consistent with the way he had acted in the past, but honestly i didn't expect him to do the same this time around. I even told him as much when we started seeing each other last year, I told him I was reluctant to rekindle things with him because I was still traumatized by the way he had treated me and eventually dumped me in the past, and he reassured me that he wasn't going to do the same ever again. When I saw him keeping in touch and being much better than in the past, I started believing him and decided to give him the chance he had asked for.

I never imagined he would just vanish like that, after the year we spent together. How do you go from being all nice and making plans for the winter on a Tuesday to "I can't give you what you want so I won't contact you anymore" (and radio silence from then on) a few days later? No fight, we didn't even see each other in between, all I did was ask on the Monday what had happened that I hadn't heard from him all weekend.

Maybe I'm too naive, but I really didn't expect it, not then and not like that.

[greta96]

I happen to think differently. I do think he will try to hoover you back. Hes done this in the past to u. Why not again? The difference is now its up to u to keep him out. Block him on everything and be strong. Do not fall for anything. U really have to start moving away from this, get better and recover from this, and plan on how u are going to ignore him when he comes back. Ive been involved with men like that. They always come back....always. we like to blame the man always but in the end if we are participating, its our fault now. Trust me, Ive been there a little too much. Still figuring out why I allow it. But what I can say to u is these men never change. U wasted 9 yrs of your life. I wasted almost 2 yrs or more. Not sure of ur age but if u want a healthy marriage one day with kids, u do not want to waste ur years on this. Even being stuck in a fantasy of him being the best man/feeling u ever had will have u stuck. U need to release the whole idea of him. Take him off the pedestal u put him on. Allow yourself to know u will have a love . Real love. Once u self reflect and see him as the creep he is, u will be able to move on. Because i see your issue as being stuck in your mind. U wont date bcuz u were wrapped up in a fantasy that he was the one and only. Break that state of mind and u will be on your way to real change. Good luck u can do it !! Step by step.

 

I'm an old goat lol, no I don't want marriage and kids and all that. I am ok with my life as it is, but I would have liked to have him around just like I did for the past year.

Unfortunately it's not a fantasy that he is the one, it is my reality. I don't know how to explain this... Take emotions/feelings out of the equation, the issue is that physically I don't find anyone remotely attractive, and that's not just now that I'm fresh after the breakup, this happened for 6 years after my first breakup with him. I am unable to feel physical attraction for anyone else. With him, it's like electricity runs between us, just touching his hand would send shocks through my body. Hard to explain. He is not a gorgeous man or anything, he shows his age, but to me he is "it".

It has been like this since I first laid eyes on him, and it's not because I have him on a pedestal, as I never had a great opinion about him morally. It's one of those things that can't be explained. Too bad it doesn't go both ways...

[greta96]

I am logging back into this site after months of being away, and I saw this thread. Oh, boy, do I have a TON to say about this! (I have to be somewhere, though, so I'll have to save it for later.) I've been in your exact situation, and said/thought so many of the exact things you're saying here.

 

I'll get to a longer post later, but something really stuck out to me that I want you to think about. You said in one recent post that this guy admitted that he "can't love" and that you were "OK with that." Really?!

May I ask why you're OK with being in a romantic relationship with someone who admits he's incapable of loving? More importantly, why is it that you think you don't deserve a relationship with someone who CAN love you?

 

Just a couple things to ponder...more later...

 

As much as it hurt to hear he wasn't capable of loving (and I knew this for a long time), I was ok with what we had (had it been genuine). What he did give me was enough, I didn't feel a need for more. Unfortunately what I had to give him wasn't enough for him....

[Batya33]

The ending was more consistent with the way he had acted in the past, but honestly i didn't expect him to do the same this time around. I even told him as much when we started seeing each other last year, I told him I was reluctant to rekindle things with him because I was still traumatized by the way he had treated me and eventually dumped me in the past, and he reassured me that he wasn't going to do the same ever again. When I saw him keeping in touch and being much better than in the past, I started believing him and decided to give him the chance he had asked for.

I never imagined he would just vanish like that, after the year we spent together. How do you go from being all nice and making plans for the winter on a Tuesday to "I can't give you what you want so I won't contact you anymore" (and radio silence from then on) a few days later? No fight, we didn't even see each other in between, all I did was ask on the Monday what had happened that I hadn't heard from him all weekend.

Maybe I'm too naive, but I really didn't expect it, not then and not like that.

 

When you got back together he had a girlfriend so he was telling and showing you that he didn't value character and integrity. From the first second you were with someone who was cheating on his romantic partner. Of course he could say "never again" and reliably call you -because there was no risk of having to actually commit to you - you knew he had a girlfriend and you were ok with being the woman on the side. And ok with someone "not capable" of loving.

 

It's not about being "too naive" -it's about choosing the easy way out -to chase a man who behaved badly in the recent past and who returns only to offer scraps. You're not naive in the least - you simply are making choices that are not healthful. But now I think you're interested in starting to make changes.

[browneyedgirl36]

I'm an old goat lol, no I don't want marriage and kids and all that. I am ok with my life as it is, but I would have liked to have him around just like I did for the past year.

Unfortunately it's not a fantasy that he is the one, it is my reality. I don't know how to explain this... Take emotions/feelings out of the equation, the issue is that physically I don't find anyone remotely attractive, and that's not just now that I'm fresh after the breakup, this happened for 6 years after my first breakup with him. I am unable to feel physical attraction for anyone else. With him, it's like electricity runs between us, just touching his hand would send shocks through my body. Hard to explain. He is not a gorgeous man or anything, he shows his age, but to me he is "it".

It has been like this since I first laid eyes on him, and it's not because I have him on a pedestal, as I never had a great opinion about him morally. It's one of those things that can't be explained. Too bad it doesn't go both ways...

 

I can relate somewhat to this, as I felt the same way about my ex (though perhaps not quite to the extent you do).

 

I'll be honest and say that I don't believe, AT ALL, that this guy was some great love of your life, a "soul mate"/"twin flame" or even that you can never find anyone you're as attracted to. And, I don't believe that you were really OK with him not being able to love, etc. I believe, very strongly, that he "managed down your expectations" (a term I read about on the Baggage Reclaim site) to the point where you convinced yourself that you were OK with this, to the point where, in a sense, it HAS become your reality. This situation with him has altered your thinking so much that you believe that he is the one you want -- the only one you want -- and you're closing yourself off to the possibility of anyone else. And, yes, you DO have him on a pedestal, even if morally you don't think he's all that great (which raises the question for me, Why would you be this attached so someone you "never had a great opinion of morally?" I think the answer to this question is really important, and it's NOT because your ex has some supernatural, extraordinary something that makes him so special -- I can tell you that for sure!

 

To me, my ex had "it" too. He was a LOT older than I (14 years older), and he was no spring chicken. He was reasonably attractive, but definitely no supermodel or even close, but I was convinced he was "it." He wasn't all that nice to me most of the time. He was in and out of my life. He kept going back to his ex. He would say really mean things sometimes, etc. And, he managed, very skillfully I might add, to "manage down" my expectations to the point where I told myself, "I'm OK with this," when I really, really, really wasn't. And you weren't -- and aren't -- either. I can guarantee it.

 

Someone asked me once what was so "great" about my ex that I would put up with his shenanigans, and my response was "Well, when he's really into me, I feel like the most important person in the world. Until he's not into me, and then I feel like garbage. But then, he comes back around again, and I feel so great...until he ditches me again." I realized, when I answered that question, how screwed up that whole thing was, how the problem wasn't with him and his behavior at all -- but rather with me and how I felt about myself, how I saw myself. There is NO way a person with a healthy self-esteem and self-respect would put up with this stuff.

 

On a final note: "Old goat"? Really? I'm 47, and I found a GREAT guy when I was just about to turn 45. We're getting married next year, just shy of my 48th birthday. This will be my first marriage. I'm not saying anyone has to get married, or even has to want to, but I will say that I had totally, completely given up on the idea and told myself I didn't really care one way or the other. Then, I met my fiancee, and everything changed. My philosophy is "It's not over until I'm dead." My little old grandma was getting marriage proposals in the retirement home when she was in her mid-80's! Life is funny like that.

 

I highly recommend the Baggage Reclaim website. There was a great article that I read on there ages ago about "Seeking a Rejection Retraction," that really resonated with me. There's a ton of helpful stuff on there, though.

[Batya33]

I'm an old goat lol, no I don't want marriage and kids and all that. I am ok with my life as it is, but I would have liked to have him around just like I did for the past year.

Unfortunately it's not a fantasy that he is the one, it is my reality. I don't know how to explain this... Take emotions/feelings out of the equation, the issue is that physically I don't find anyone remotely attractive, and that's not just now that I'm fresh after the breakup, this happened for 6 years after my first breakup with him. I am unable to feel physical attraction for anyone else. With him, it's like electricity runs between us, just touching his hand would send shocks through my body. Hard to explain. He is not a gorgeous man or anything, he shows his age, but to me he is "it".

It has been like this since I first laid eyes on him, and it's not because I have him on a pedestal, as I never had a great opinion about him morally. It's one of those things that can't be explained. Too bad it doesn't go both ways...

 

Of course it's easily explained. You are highly sexually attracted to him. That is only part of a long term relationship. If you want to have him around sexually he probably would agree to that. Many of us have felt that way about men who are not healthy for us to be involved with.

[greta96]

He wasn't all that nice to me most of the time. He was in and out of my life. He kept going back to his ex. He would say really mean things sometimes, etc. And, he managed, very skillfully I might add, to "manage down" my expectations to the point where I told myself, "I'm OK with this," when I really, really, really wasn't. And you weren't -- and aren't -- either. I can guarantee it.

 

Someone asked me once what was so "great" about my ex that I would put up with his shenanigans, and my response was "Well, when he's really into me, I feel like the most important person in the world. Until he's not into me, and then I feel like garbage. But then, he comes back around again, and I feel so great...until he ditches me again." .

 

He "managed down my expectations" the first time around, when I thought this man is incapable of ANY kind of feeling. Then he somehow managed them up temporarily this time around, and I saw parts of him I didn't know existed. He could actually be quite warm and romantic, when he wanted. The problem is that he didn't want that too often. Or, he wanted to be like that when I behaved a certain way (didn't question anything, pretended to be ok with not-so-nice things here and there and would reply cheerfully and didn't show disappointment).

As for your description of how you saw your ex, that's exactly how I would describe my experience with him: amazing when things were good, and feeling like $hit when they weren't. And usually the reasons they weren't were silly, such as me asking him once if he was still in contact with that woman (he couldn't understand why I'd be worried, since in his mind he hadn't cheated on her), or expressing my disappointment at his refusal to quit that darned bar job (in the beginning he had lied to me he was going to quit, as he knew I was highly uncomfortable with it given the past, so he lied that he had a buddy of his in mind to replace him and it was going to be just a matter of time... then as time went by it became clear he had no intention to quit), and stuff like this, involving me having insecurities. Now don't think I was going on and on about my insecurities or that I was making a big deal out of them, I knew better... but just bringing them up lightly was enough for him to get annoyed, and when he got annoyed it somehow snowballed and became a full blown fight where of course I was the initiator. He'd tell me how he didn't need the drama, how he was starting to see that I enjoyed starting fights just to get reactions out of him, he would twist everything I said to the point where my head was spinning and I no longer knew what to say to appease him!

Eventually a couple of hours later he would "forgive" me and decide to stay together... my blood still freezes when I remember those times. I think that's how the "trauma bonding" happened.

My friend was telling me that he was training me like a dog, to obey and keep my mouth shut, and I suppose she was right... I kept quiet many times just to avoid a fight. But I guess I am not that good at keeping my mouth shut, because I dared to speak up when he didn't bother to send me a mere text message that whole weekend, which prompted the big discard.

 

And yet knowing all this, I still feel heartbroken over it. I can't seem to recover. I am normally stronger than that, but in this case, I wish he was still around. The thought of never seeing him again feels horrible.

[greta96]

Of course it's easily explained. You are highly sexually attracted to him. That is only part of a long term relationship. If you want to have him around sexually he probably would agree to that. Many of us have felt that way about men who are not healthy for us to be involved with.

 

He was indeed trying to have such an arrangement with me, when he came up with the whole story about his kids moving in and him not being able to have free weekends more than once-twice a month. But of all things I am able to take, a demotion is not one of them. How could I have gone from having him every 2-3 days and talking to him on the phone almost every night to seeing him twice a month, and only texts while he was at work?

[Batya33]

He was indeed trying to have such an arrangement with me, when he came up with the whole story about his kids moving in and him not being able to have free weekends more than once-twice a month. But of all things I am able to take, a demotion is not one of them. How could I have gone from having him every 2-3 days and talking to him on the phone almost every night to seeing him twice a month, and only texts while he was at work?

 

But it wasn't a demotion unless you mean he was going to see you less often - think about it -what did you really have with him other than a temporary sexual arrangement - he broke it off with his girlfriend eventually but knew you would settle for him being non-exclusive and cheating on someone else while with you. You never had him every 2-3 days - you were physically in the same space and sexually interacting, hanging out. If your main pull to him is electricity and sexual then it wouldn't really be a demotion -you would have what you insist is the main reason you keep coming back for more.

[greta96]

But it wasn't a demotion unless you mean he was going to see you less often - think about it -what did you really have with him other than a temporary sexual arrangement - he broke it off with his girlfriend eventually but knew you would settle for him being non-exclusive and cheating on someone else while with you. You never had him every 2-3 days - you were physically in the same space and sexually interacting, hanging out. If your main pull to him is electricity and sexual then it wouldn't really be a demotion -you would have what you insist is the main reason you keep coming back for more.

 

The funny thing is that we weren't that sexually involved...we maybe "did it" 9-10 times within 5 months! He had always told me sex was not all that important to him, and he didn't much care about it. And given our "frequency", I believed it. Now I suspect he was getting it from someone else and that's the reason behind it.

But it definitely wasn't a sexual arrangement with us. I didn't have sex with him until he "ended" it with her (according to him), and swore we were exclusive. In fact, he was telling me he would never be "non-exclusive" in his relationships, he would never cheat, etc. Yes I can see the irony of it all, I could back then too, but there was no confronting him about it because...well...you know the outcome by now. He refused to acknowledge that he cheated on that woman with me.

I am telling you, had you heard him talk about relationships, loyalty, cheating and the likes, you would think you were talking to a saint! He would say that only mentally challenged people cheat, and that he would never ever do it...

[Batya33]

Watch the feet -what he does - not the lips, what he says. You knew he was involved with someone else and you dated him (whether or not you had sex is irrelevant -it's still inconsistent with being in a committed relationship -on his part). I'm sorry he treated you like that and that you settled for scraps.

[boltnrun]

He said, he said, he said.

 

I can say I'm the Duke of Earl, but that doesn't make it true. Unless, of course, someone wants desperately to believe I am.

 

Tell me this, if he contacted you today and wanted to restart seeing you when he felt like it and the conditions were that you had to keep your mouth shut and just accept whatever he does or doesn't do...would you go back?

[greta96]

He said, he said, he said.

 

I can say I'm the Duke of Earl, but that doesn't make it true. Unless, of course, someone wants desperately to believe I am.

 

Tell me this, if he contacted you today and wanted to restart seeing you when he felt like it and the conditions were that you had to keep your mouth shut and just accept whatever he does or doesn't do...would you go back?

 

As much as I would like to be back together with him, the answer is NO. I could never do that. In fact, that was what he had wanted initially when he first introduced the fib about his kids having moved in. He wanted me to believe he wasn't going to have time to talk to me on the phone in the evenings, and that he was going to be able to spend time with me once or twice a month (if that).

I knew what was happening, he wanted me to stay on the back burner until he figured out if whomever he's with right now was going to give him a better relationship experience than I had. Could I do it? Clearly not, since I questioned him on his lack of contact over that weekend. Because nobody in their right mind would ever believe that a man had no time whatsoever, over a whole weekend, to send a text to his girlfriend.

So since I was causing him headaches, he dropped me like a hot potato and blanked me out of his life completely.

 

So no, I would never be with him under those circumstances.

[ThatwasThen]

So no, I would never be with him under those circumstances.

Which of course implies that you WOULD be with him again if "those" circumstances were not there. See, this is where you're not yet getting it. Because of what he did, the deceit and the cheating and the lack of value he showed you and all the other negatives, you should not want to see him again no matter how pristine the conditions would be. He's not a good man, he did not treat you like a man that would ever allow himself to become vulnerable to a woman and yet you've still got him on a pedestal.

[browneyedgirl36]

Which of course implies that you WOULD be with him again if "those" circumstances were not there. See, this is where you're not yet getting it. Because of what he did, the deceit and the cheating and the lack of value he showed you and all the other negatives, you should not want to see him again no matter how pristine the conditions would be. He's not a good man, he did not treat you like a man that would ever allow himself to become vulnerable to a woman and yet you've still got him on a pedestal.

 

I agree with this, but I also know that it takes some time -- and distance (physical distance AND no contact) to get to this place.

 

I remember a progression in my thoughts about my ex. It went something like this (over a period of several years, I'm embarrassed to say):

 

"I REALLY want him to come back! I don't know what I'll do without him in my life!"

 

"I know it's not a good situation for me, but I REALLY want him to come back!"

 

"I know it's not a good situation for me, but he's come back all the other times, and I'm still hoping he'll come back."

 

"I know I shouldn't hope for him to come back, because he's not good for me, but he always has before, and if he does again, I'm afraid I'd give him yet another chance."

 

"He's REALLY not good for me. I hope he doesn't come back and put me in the position to have to make a decision about what to do.""

 

"He's not coming back. I'm sad, but it's for the best."

 

"He's not coming back. Yippeeeee!"

 

"Ex...who???"

 

Like I said, it takes time. I took WAY more time for me than it probably *should* have, but I had some issues I needed to work through, and once I did, I was OK with not having him in my life anymore, even as "friends." He tried to invite me to dinner back in 2015 (by then, I'd already met my fiancee and had been dating him for about 6 months), and I told him "no." (Our last date had been in 2011, our last time spent together -- dinner as "friends," supposedly, was at the very end of 2012. I spent quite a bit of 2013 still moping about him (that's when he brought his girlfriend to work), and by the start of 2014 I had completely given up, so by the time he asked me to dinner in 2015, I wanted nothing to do with him -- not just because I was with someone else, but because I knew my ex was just sniffing around to see if I was still interested. I'm sure he was between girlfriends and was bored or something. No thanks! Now, I see him at work (only occasionally), and think, "Eh...whatever." You have NO idea how huge of a change that was for me. From 2006-2011, I was OBSESSED with that guy, and even until 2014, I still felt sad. That's how long this took me, and the reason it took me so long was because I had a ton of my own issues -- including being "unavailable" myself, as well as self-esteem issues and other things going on. If I met him today, there's no way I'd even go out on one date with him -- I've changed that much.

 

Time, distance (physical AND emotional), and working on yourself (delving into WHY you got into all this to begin with and working to change it) is the key to getting past this. You CAN. I thought I'd never be over my ex -- he occupied my brain for close to 8 years -- but I rarely think of him anymore, and he only comes up when I'm posting on here, really. You can do it!

[greta96]

Which of course implies that you WOULD be with him again if "those" circumstances were not there. See, this is where you're not yet getting it. Because of what he did, the deceit and the cheating and the lack of value he showed you and all the other negatives, you should not want to see him again no matter how pristine the conditions would be. He's not a good man, he did not treat you like a man that would ever allow himself to become vulnerable to a woman and yet you've still got him on a pedestal.

 

This is my problem..I DO get it, I really do...but I can't shake him out of my system and I don't know why. I know all his faults, I know he will never be "mine", he never was, even when he swore he was... and yet he is like a drug to me. He is not on that pedestal any longer, but if he changed and was able to commit to me and be 100% transparent with me, I would love to give him another chance. Unfortunately this change will never happen, so I'm safe

[ThatwasThen]

This is my problem..I DO get it, I really do...but I can't shake him out of my system and I don't know why. I know all his faults, I know he will never be "mine", he never was, even when he swore he was... and yet he is like a drug to me. He is not on that pedestal any longer, but if he changed and was able to commit to me and be 100% transparent with me, I would love to give him another chance. Unfortunately this change will never happen, so I'm safe look forward to the time when you post and say that even if he changed you'd never go back with him because he's lost his chance to be with you, he's no longer worthy.

[greta96]

I agree with this, but I also know that it takes some time -- and distance (physical distance AND no contact) to get to this place.

 

I remember a progression in my thoughts about my ex. It went something like this (over a period of several years, I'm embarrassed to say):

 

"I REALLY want him to come back! I don't know what I'll do without him in my life!"

 

"I know it's not a good situation for me, but I REALLY want him to come back!"

 

"I know it's not a good situation for me, but he's come back all the other times, and I'm still hoping he'll come back."

 

"I know I shouldn't hope for him to come back, because he's not good for me, but he always has before, and if he does again, I'm afraid I'd give him yet another chance."

 

"He's REALLY not good for me. I hope he doesn't come back and put me in the position to have to make a decision about what to do.""

 

"He's not coming back. I'm sad, but it's for the best."

 

"He's not coming back. Yippeeeee!"

 

"Ex...who???"

 

Like I said, it takes time. I took WAY more time for me than it probably *should* have, but I had some issues I needed to work through, and once I did, I was OK with not having him in my life anymore, even as "friends." He tried to invite me to dinner back in 2015 (by then, I'd already met my fiancee and had been dating him for about 6 months), and I told him "no." (Our last date had been in 2011, our last time spent together -- dinner as "friends," supposedly, was at the very end of 2012. I spent quite a bit of 2013 still moping about him (that's when he brought his girlfriend to work), and by the start of 2014 I had completely given up, so by the time he asked me to dinner in 2015, I wanted nothing to do with him -- not just because I was with someone else, but because I knew my ex was just sniffing around to see if I was still interested. I'm sure he was between girlfriends and was bored or something. No thanks! Now, I see him at work (only occasionally), and think, "Eh...whatever." You have NO idea how huge of a change that was for me. From 2006-2011, I was OBSESSED with that guy, and even until 2014, I still felt sad. That's how long this took me, and the reason it took me so long was because I had a ton of my own issues -- including being "unavailable" myself, as well as self-esteem issues and other things going on. If I met him today, there's no way I'd even go out on one date with him -- I've changed that much.

 

Time, distance (physical AND emotional), and working on yourself (delving into WHY you got into all this to begin with and working to change it) is the key to getting past this. You CAN. I thought I'd never be over my ex -- he occupied my brain for close to 8 years -- but I rarely think of him anymore, and he only comes up when I'm posting on here, really. You can do it!

 

I hope one day I get to that final stage, but right now I'm in between 3 and 4.

I know not seeing him would probably help some, but the fact is that even when I didn't see him for 3 years I still never got over him, there was not one day where I didn't think about him, even though I had no hope of ever seeing him again.

Maybe some people are stuck forever on someone, and the bond doesn't go away until they die? That's how I feel right now. Had I felt this way for a man who also returned my feelings I would probably be the happiest woman on the planet, but of course, out of all the men out there, I have to be hung up on this one, who is the way he is!

Sometimes I can't figure out how is it possible to feel such a deep, strong and long lasting connection with someone who doesn't feel it back.

[greta96]

I look forward to the time when you post and say that even if he changed you'd never go back with him because he's lost his chance to be with you, he's no longer worthy.

 

Honestly....me too, but I'm afraid it will never happen.

[ThatwasThen]

Honestly....me too, but I'm afraid it will never happen.

 

If I was with you, enjoying a good glass of red and we were having this conversation and you said that... I would tell you to shaaadup. (of course with love and not malice).

 

Stop it, really. If you don't stop believing that, you're going to be hurting for a long time ~ unnecessarily. We all get over someone at sometime or another either through death or a breakup and we all go onto to find someone else unless we are too old to care anymore.

 

If you can't get yourself out of the mindset by accepting that he's not the epitome of a man you have framed him to be, then consider therapy to help you to reconcile this in your own mind.

[browneyedgirl36]

If I was with you, enjoying a good glass of red and we were having this conversation and you said that... I would tell you to shaaadup. (of course with love and not malice).

 

Stop it, really. If you don't stop believing that, you're going to be hurting for a long time ~ unnecessarily. We all get over someone at sometime or another either through death or a breakup and we all go onto to find someone else unless we are too old to care anymore.

 

If you can't get yourself out of the mindset by accepting that he's not the epitome of a man you have framed him to be, then consider therapy to help you to reconcile this in your own mind.

 

Agreed. I remember thinking I'd never get over my ex, too, thinking I would always feel sad, always miss him. There came a point, though, when I said to myself, "I don't want to be in this place five years from now. I don't want to be in this place TWO years from now." I got out of that place, but it took a LOT of effort on my part -- not just waiting and hoping it would get better.

 

I remember telling a therapist at the time that I feared I would never feel the same way about someone else again. She told me that I was right -- I probably would never feel the "same" about someone else again, because no two people/relationships are the same, but she assured me that it was entirely possible for me to feel just as strongly about someone else, and she used herself as an example. Apparently, she had been obsessed with a guy for about seven years, and she thought she would never "move on" once it ended. She met her husband a few years later, and she told me, "It's not the SAME feeling -- it's totally different, but it's just as good." She did say that she still thought of the other guy from time to time, even years into her marriage, but she also assured me that it was normal. She wasn't pining away for him or wishing she was with him or anything, but he was someone important to her at one time, and she acknowledged that she would never forget him.

 

I feel the same way. My ex was extremely important to me at the time. I learned a LOT -- including a few things I wish I hadn't -- from my experience with him. I changed so much during that time -- and especially after it was over. I am SO different than I was when I met him, and that's a good thing. I will never forget him -- partly because of the good stuff, but mostly because of all the important things I learned (the hard way!) the most important ones being how to love myself and not look to a man to validate me, make me feel worthy and lovable and how to be more "available" myself. Those lessons -- and, by extension, the person who prompted me to learn them -- will always be a part of who I am now, and I accept that. I don't love my ex anymore, though; I don't really feel anything for him (no resentment, either). I am finally at the point where I wish him well (I have to admit that before, I didn't want him to be happy without me in his life. Petty, I know!)

 

You CAN get to this point, too. It takes work, though. It doesn't happen without work. You have to really WANT to.

[greta96]

If I was with you, enjoying a good glass of red and we were having this conversation and you said that... I would tell you to shaaadup. (of course with love and not malice).

 

Stop it, really. If you don't stop believing that, you're going to be hurting for a long time ~ unnecessarily. We all get over someone at sometime or another either through death or a breakup and we all go onto to find someone else unless we are too old to care anymore.

 

If you can't get yourself out of the mindset by accepting that he's not the epitome of a man you have framed him to be, then consider therapy to help you to reconcile this in your own mind.

 

 

Haha I know, I can get frustrating...you should see my BFF's face when I tell her I would still like to be friends (nothing more) with him! I think I can see where everyone is coming from, I mean this is a guy who didn't think twice about lying, gaslighting and manipulating me...he even treated whatever woman he had over one weekend to MY drink, the one I had bought for myself to keep at his place! I don't have proof (he claimed he had drank it himself out of boredom), but I remember feeling sick and anxious that whole day without a reason, and looking back I'm sure it was my gut feeling telling me he was up to no good that night. I have always had a weird connection with him in this way, sometimes I can "feel" things related to him that cannot be explained logically.

So yeah, I'm getting there...slowwwwwly

[greta96]

Agreed. I remember thinking I'd never get over my ex, too, thinking I would always feel sad, always miss him. There came a point, though, when I said to myself, "I don't want to be in this place five years from now. I don't want to be in this place TWO years from now." I got out of that place, but it took a LOT of effort on my part -- not just waiting and hoping it would get better.

 

I remember telling a therapist at the time that I feared I would never feel the same way about someone else again. She told me that I was right -- I probably would never feel the "same" about someone else again, because no two people/relationships are the same, but she assured me that it was entirely possible for me to feel just as strongly about someone else, and she used herself as an example. Apparently, she had been obsessed with a guy for about seven years, and she thought she would never "move on" once it ended. She met her husband a few years later, and she told me, "It's not the SAME feeling -- it's totally different, but it's just as good." She did say that she still thought of the other guy from time to time, even years into her marriage, but she also assured me that it was normal. She wasn't pining away for him or wishing she was with him or anything, but he was someone important to her at one time, and she acknowledged that she would never forget him.

 

I feel the same way. My ex was extremely important to me at the time. I learned a LOT -- including a few things I wish I hadn't -- from my experience with him. I changed so much during that time -- and especially after it was over. I am SO different than I was when I met him, and that's a good thing. I will never forget him -- partly because of the good stuff, but mostly because of all the important things I learned (the hard way!) the most important ones being how to love myself and not look to a man to validate me, make me feel worthy and lovable and how to be more "available" myself. Those lessons -- and, by extension, the person who prompted me to learn them -- will always be a part of who I am now, and I accept that. I don't love my ex anymore, though; I don't really feel anything for him (no resentment, either). I am finally at the point where I wish him well (I have to admit that before, I didn't want him to be happy without me in his life. Petty, I know!)

 

You CAN get to this point, too. It takes work, though. It doesn't happen without work. You have to really WANT to.

 

Everything you say makes sense. I just hope to get to that point sooner rather than later...

I suppose I have to start focusing on the bad and pushing the good out of my mind... all the lies...I wonder how many times he actually did have his kids over, I'm sure not even half of the amount of times he told me he did. So what was he doing on those days and nights when he "had the kids" but wasn't contacting me at all? It's not like 17 year olds will spend the whole weekend with their father (that they are not all that close to anyway), to the point where the father can't call or at least text his girlfriend... I feel more and more sick to my stomach thinking how he probably cheated on me throughout the relationship, and brainwashed me into accepting childish lies as reality... I really should focus on that.

And on the fact that he dumped me to be with that other woman, of course. Not that he would ever admit to it. According to him, he never cheated on his girlfriend with me...not even when we were making out heavily while she was at home doing whatever and probably thinking he "had the kids over". I'm assuming this was his go-to lie, because nobody could say anything or prove otherwise. So it was only natural he would leave me to be with "the other woman".

[Batya33]

I wouldn't focus on the bad or good. I would let any feelings you have exist and react by taking action to move on with your life -whether that's having a glass of water, going for a power walk, calling a friend (and not talking about him!), doing volunteer work, doing mindfulness breathing or yoga, whatever - let the feelings come and react in a way so that eventually they go to the periphery and either off or nearly off your radar.