SteelCity74 Posted July 30, 2017 Share Posted July 30, 2017 I have been dating a woman for two months now. She is just coming out of a very toxic relationship. I know she is fragile because of this, and sometimes I step on leftover landmines from her previous relationship. A few weeks ago she revealed to me that she didn't think she was good enough for me. Knowing that this was from people treating her badly in the past, I calmly reassured her that she was in fact perfect for me. I told her that she is everything I have been looking for in a mate and that I couldn't be happier with the way things are going. A few days later we were at a church function and a new member was joining us. She was a young, reasonably attractive blond woman. I guess she was jealous of the blond, not because of anything I did (I barely paid her any attention) but, because again she was feeling unworthy. But what she said to me was that she just didn't like her. Nothing of jealousy, she just didn't care for her. Fast forward to a few days ago and we were to attend the same church event. I made an off handed comment pertains to the blond woman. I said something to the effect "I wonder if your buddy is going to be here?". We laughed it off. Again, I did not know of the insecurity at this point. Well, it turns out she did show up and my girlfriend was not very happy about it. So, we go to sit down around the table to begin the group. It is an oval table with six chairs around it. My girlfriend ponts to a spot to the left of her and says to me "Why don't you sit here?". I looked and saw that there was no seat there and made my way to the right of her to take the empty chair next to her. In fairness to her, I normally sit to the left of her, but being as there was no chair there I took the one directly on the other side of her. And then, wouldn't you know it, the blond woman took the seat next to me at the table. We sat at the table for an hour and a half and I could tell something was wrong, but stupid me I thought it was just the fact that my girlfriend didn't like the blond woman. So I didn't think too much of it. When we get outside, I could tell something was really wrong. I knew my girlfriend was upset, but I honestly didn't know why. So I listened and then it finally clicked. She was jealous of the other woman. Keep in mind I didn't as much as glance in the woman's direction the entire time we were at the table. I didn't acknowledge her or say two words to her. But my proximity to her was enough to set my girlfriend off. Knowing what I know about my girlfriend's past, I apologized. I told her I should have known better and I tried to reassure her how I felt about her. We didn't see each other the next day. But I could sense she was still upset. So when we saw each other the next night I asked her if she wanted to talk about it. It was stupid on my part. But I am a talker. I like to make sure things are completely resolved before moving on. I do this so that things don't fester and become cancerous. Well, this reopened the wound for her. We got in a fight and she broke things off with me. I am devestated. I love this woman and was really seeing a long future with her. I know she is broken, and I am too. But normally we take really good care of each other emotionally. I don't know what to do now. The walls have gone up on her side and I can't get through. I don't want to lose her. How can I reassure her that she is all I want and that I am not looking for anyone else? Please help me. Link to comment
Jeetsun Posted July 30, 2017 Share Posted July 30, 2017 I don't know what to do now. The walls have gone up on her side and I can't get through. I don't want to lose her. How can I reassure her that she is all I want and that I am not looking for anyone else? Please help me. You can't. She has issues that she is going to have to work through on her own in order to have a healthy relationship. Let's say hypothetically she reopened things back up with you without working on her insecurities, what do you think is going to happen? I'm willing to bet the same problem will continually loop over and over again every time she perceives another woman is threatening your relationship- and that's a really loose definition considering all it took was a young blond woman to sit next to you and you went out of your way to ignore her out of respect to your gf. You didn't even do anything. Do you see the inherent problem with this? Link to comment
Sarah Whittle Posted July 30, 2017 Share Posted July 30, 2017 Honestly, this woman is in no way, shape, or form ready for a relationship. She needs to spend the next several months/years (however long it takes) to heal and come to accept and love herself. This is a journey she will likely need to do largely along, with a close friend (not you, sorry) or therapist. If you were to go after her, this will only happen again, but bigger. It sucks, but I have been where she is. It takes a year+ of self reflection and work to be okay enough to be in a relationship again. And that is only if she actually wants to heal. My advice to you is to move on and let her sort herself out. Link to comment
shessofly Posted July 30, 2017 Share Posted July 30, 2017 I guess I don't understand what you apologized for and what you should have known better about? Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 30, 2017 Share Posted July 30, 2017 I don't see what you had to apologize for - a woman showed up to a church event and sat near you, thus you apologized to your gf for that??? I mean.... She has issues and needs to work on them before she can be in a healthy relationship. Link to comment
KantSleep Posted July 30, 2017 Share Posted July 30, 2017 There are many aspects of my life where I feel confident (my job, how I raised my kids, etc.) but when it comes to men, eh, not so confident. My current BF is Mr. Social and that's tough for me to deal with sometimes, because his pleasant and friendly demeanor can be a magnet for women. Early on in our relationship, we went out with another couple who brought along their single, female friend. She was funny, cute, etc. and I immediately felt my jealousy radar go up, wondering what my BF thought, did he find her cute, etc. The reason I mention all this stuff is your GF feels insecure, and I get that, as I have these moments too. But I don't think there is anything you can do about that, per say, to assure her you won't dump her when the first cute blond comes along. My BF is quite attentive, dedicated and committed to me, but I still in the back of mind think that he will find someone better than me. I have told him this, like your GF did. Your GF's insecurity comes from a bad past relationship, and mine comes from an abysmal dating life for many years. I grew to feel I was unlovable and destined to be a cat lady. My BF and I have talked about my jealous streak. At least it's out there in the open. I do my best to keep it under control. It seems like your GF can't. You may need to accept the fact that right now, she is too damaged by her past to be a good girlfriend. If your words are not good enough - to assure her you are only interested in her - then you may need to let her go, at least for now, so she can properly heal. Link to comment
Krankor Posted July 30, 2017 Share Posted July 30, 2017 Why exactly do you want to be in a relationship with someone who--intentionally or not--takes her past relationship(s) out on you? I think you've got a bad case of white knight syndrome. Take off the armor and see this for what it is. You will never be able to fully reassure a woman like her. If you try really, really hard and really, really put some time and work in you may be able to calm her negative impulses down for a minute or two but it would only ever be a matter of time before some new drama over absolutely nothing starts up again. You dodged a bullet, friend. I know it's hard to see that now but you did. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted July 30, 2017 Share Posted July 30, 2017 So ultimately I'd advise you'd work on this belief you have about yourself being broken. That way, you will respond differently when someone presents them self to you as not ready for a relationship. For the moment though, you just have to resist the temptation to get sucked into her drama. Sit down with yourself and get calm. She behaved unreasonably , and she's not ready to be with someone right now. That isn't your fault or your responsibility to change. She may be a lovely person overall but it's your job to yourself to respond when you see troubling behaviour. She chose to break up with you rather than work to change it, and all you can do is respect her decision . Link to comment
cherubrock Posted July 30, 2017 Share Posted July 30, 2017 She could be a narcissist...I mean she can have some NPD (look it up)..she sounds controlling and possessive, and also the type that would say nothing's wrong with her its all YOU. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted July 30, 2017 Share Posted July 30, 2017 She is holding you emotional hostage for someone else's mistakes. Instead of soothing her insecurity, you're actually enabling them by apologizing for innocuous behaviour. Though you have good intentions, you're actually making this worse. My opinion? She is nowhere near ready for a relationship. She needs to heal first. Link to comment
SteelCity74 Posted July 30, 2017 Author Share Posted July 30, 2017 She could be a narcissist...I mean she can have some NPD (look it up)..she sounds controlling and possessive, and also the type that would say nothing's wrong with her its all YOU. This is exactly what she did. She blamed me for the whole situation. She said she has never been the jealous type before, and therefore it must be something that I am doing that is making her feel this way. But honestly I know it is not. Link to comment
ShatteredMan Posted July 30, 2017 Share Posted July 30, 2017 She could be a narcissist...I mean she can have some NPD (look it up)..she sounds controlling and possessive, and also the type that would say nothing's wrong with her its all YOU. I was going to suggest that this might be a possibility as well. Run, don't walk.... Link to comment
seanryder Posted July 30, 2017 Share Posted July 30, 2017 "I know she is broken, and I am too." I think both of you need time off from dating to work on yourselves, otherwise you guys are just going to have a co-dependent relationship.....not good. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted July 30, 2017 Share Posted July 30, 2017 Knowing what I know about my girlfriend's past, I apologized. I told her I should have known better and I tried to reassure her how I felt about her. You should have ways that you tolerate being treated and it doesn't matter what someone's past is -- you don't tolerate it! Its like saying "well, they should get off on a murder charge because they had a bad upbringing." I would break up with her. She is not ready for a healthy relationship. SHE IS NOT A NARCISSIST. She is a woman who is coming out of a bad relationship recently and is in fragile state - she is hurt and exhibits that hurt by being inappropriately jealous. One day she might change - be more comfortable in her skin the longer it has been since the end of the relationship but she has had zero time to heal between relationships. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted July 30, 2017 Share Posted July 30, 2017 Your seemingly good intentions of apologies and wanting to talk it out only rewards her for her bad behavior. Her insecurities are hers to deal with. You didn't create them, you can't fix them, you shouldn't apologize and take the responsibility for them. She misses out on the opportunity to process them and work through it. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.