Sex without Condom

[Dizazter412]

My boyfriend, who is also the father of my 8y/o child, has been in prison for 5 years, he's out and refuses to have sex without a condom. I am on birth control, and he knows that. I get he's not ready for another child, and I'm okay with that. But he's making me feel some type of way. I personally hate the way it makes me feel after using a condom, and I get little pleasure out of the way it feels, if anything it does the opposite. I feel like he shud want to feel me. Especially after years without any. I feel like sex without a condom is intimate, and the fact he won't sleep with me without is treating me like in this random girl. Before he went away we never used condoms, even after I had our child. It's really causing turbulence between us, and I don't know what to do or how to feel. Advice?

[j.man]

Yeah, having been with more than one woman who ****ed up her birth control, I see no problem with him taking matters into his own hands. I don't have sex without one, either. Sounds like having a kid and serving some time might have wisened him up.

[Annia]

I think that being in prison might have made him feel that it's better to do everything so that he doesn't have a child during this time, so using a condom would reinforce this protection. Or maybe he's afraid that since he's been away for so long that you might have had other men (I'm not saying you had) or something like that, so he wants to use the condom. The reasons could be many. Have you told him how it makes you feel?

[Dizazter412]

I think that being in prison might have made him feel that it's better to do everything so that he doesn't have a child during this time, so using a condom would reinforce this protection. Or maybe he's afraid that since he's been away for so long that you might have had other men (I'm not saying you had) or something like that, so he wants to use the condom. The reasons could be many. Have you told him how it makes you feel?

 

I have. It's been an ongoing debate. I generally get frustrated, start crying and shut down. His big thing is that he does not want another child right now. He knows I do. We've talked about another child, and I told him I understand and I'm okay with waiting....which is why I started the birth control before he came home. I suppose I'm being selfish...but he's making me feel like I'm just some stranger or something.

[melancholy123]

Perhaps he had some jail sex and doesnt want to tell you about it...

[shellyf62]

Perhaps he had some jail sex and doesnt want to tell you about it...

 

Exactly what I was thinking !!!!

[ThatwasThen]

Sounds like having a kid and serving some time might have wisened him up.

Or maybe he doesn't want to spread anything he got from the big guy with the most cigarettes and is playing it safe for her sake?

 

I can hear their jail-talk now:

Tonight we spoon, then we fork or you get the knife...

 

Op: try your best not to take it personally. The best way to avoid an unplanned pregnancy is to make sure you're both practicing some sort of birth control. Condoms were our only means of birth control until the hubby got his vasectomy. We managed and you can too. Personally, there wasn't that much difference in feeling for me as he bought good condoms. Why not ask him to change the brand and maybe try one that is especially made to help the lady...

[Capricorn3]

Perhaps he had some jail sex and doesnt want to tell you about it...

 

That thought crossed my mind too but I didn't want to say anything. Maybe STD's? hmmm...

[Hollyj]

My boyfriend, who is also the father of my 8y/o child, has been in prison for 5 years, he's out and refuses to have sex without a condom. I am on birth control, and he knows that. I get he's not ready for another child, and I'm okay with that. But he's making me feel some type of way. I personally hate the way it makes me feel after using a condom, and I get little pleasure out of the way it feels, if anything it does the opposite. I feel like he shud want to feel me. Especially after years without any. I feel like sex without a condom is intimate, and the fact he won't sleep with me without is treating me like in this random girl. Before he went away we never used condoms, even after I had our child. It's really causing turbulence between us, and I don't know what to do or how to feel. Advice?

 

Birth control is not 100% . He is making the right decision. This has nothing to do with intimacy, but responsibility.

 

You may also want to consider a trip to the clinic to be tested - this includes him.

[melancholy123]

That thought crossed my mind too but I didn't want to say anything. Maybe STD's? hmmm...

 

I must admit that was my first thought...

[mustlovedogs]

I have. It's been an ongoing debate. I generally get frustrated, start crying and shut down. His big thing is that he does not want another child right now. He knows I do. We've talked about another child, and I told him I understand and I'm okay with waiting....which is why I started the birth control before he came home. I suppose I'm being selfish...but he's making me feel like I'm just some stranger or something.

 

Let's reverse roles. You say you'll only have sex with a condom and he throws a temper tantrum and cries. What do you think your girlfriends would say? They would say he's a pig who doesn't care about you.

[Annia]

I can hear their jail-talk now:

Tonight we spoon, then we fork or you get the knife...

 

 

I laughed more than I should have lol

[j.man]

Let's reverse roles. You say you'll only have sex with a condom and he throws a temper tantrum and cries. What do you think your girlfriends would say? They would say he's a pig who doesn't care about you.

Thank you.

[itsallgrand]

What you are describing, the feeling of sex without a condom, is about physical sensation and getting off. I think that's not the same thing as intimacy. Intimacy is trust, and respect, and a whole lot of other things.. sometimes love. And all of that is possible while using condoms.

 

What mustlovedogs pointed out is so on the money. By making a big deal about this, you are not respecting his wishes and where he is at as a person. It is selfish to put your physical pleasure and desire to insta connect with sex over what he is telling you is what he wants for his own peace of mind.

 

And if he's been gone five years, in many ways, you are a stranger. What's wrong with getting to know each other again with that extra safety net?

[j.man]

His big thing is that he does not want another child right now. He knows I do.

Yeah. He'd be a bona fide idiot not to sport a rubber.

[abitbroken]

My boyfriend, who is also the father of my 8y/o child, has been in prison for 5 years, he's out and refuses to have sex without a condom. I am on birth control, and he knows that. I get he's not ready for another child, and I'm okay with that. But he's making me feel some type of way. I personally hate the way it makes me feel after using a condom, and I get little pleasure out of the way it feels, if anything it does the opposite. I feel like he shud want to feel me. Especially after years without any. I feel like sex without a condom is intimate, and the fact he won't sleep with me without is treating me like in this random girl. Before he went away we never used condoms, even after I had our child. It's really causing turbulence between us, and I don't know what to do or how to feel. Advice?

 

Please use a condom. you cannot risk having another child. He wants to use a condom because he perhaps is trying to straighten out his life. He has a child to support and has a criminal record and does not want to have another child. I think you should stop taking it personally. Do you really want another child with a man that you don't know is going to be able to stay out of jail? The next year or two are critical to discover if he is on a straight road or not. You could end up a single mom with two kids with their father in jail again. Please put your child and common sense first. It has nothing to do with him not loving you. He had time to think in jail.

[shessofly]

I have. It's been an ongoing debate. I generally get frustrated, start crying and shut down. His big thing is that he does not want another child right now. He knows I do. We've talked about another child, and I told him I understand and I'm okay with waiting....which is why I started the birth control before he came home. I suppose I'm being selfish...but he's making me feel like I'm just some stranger or something.

 

Maybe he doesn't believe that you won't have an 'oops' with your birth control, I mean you are being kind of dramatic about it all. If I were a guy I might wonder if you were trying to trick me. Not trying to negate your feelings but it does sound borderline manipulative from the outside (to me). My way! Who cares about what makes you comfortable. I would be suspicious. Just sayin'

 

He's doing the right thing in making sure that no kid comes before he's ready rather than counting on you to stay on top of your birth control. I know a couple of men this has happened to..."oops, I forgot my pill that one day". Not saying that's your plan, but I've seen pregnancies occur 'accidentally on purpose.'

 

Maybe try to come to a compromise and work with him to find another way to please you. That could be a very intimate discovery process. The man doesn't want a kid and he's doing everything in his power to prevent that from happening. Taking charge of his body...women get accolades for that.

 

He's fresh out of prison, maybe doing the smart thing and trying to rebuild his life and get sorted out before bringing a human into the world that will need him. Seems pretty responsible if it's the truth. Cut him some slack maybe?

 

How is he making you feel like a stranger? His reasoning sounds very believable.

 

I sure hope it's that and not what others are suggesting (I admit it crossed my mind too...)

[j.man]

Maybe he doesn't believe that you won't have an 'oops' with your birth control, I mean you are being kind of dramatic about it all. If I were a guy I might wonder if you were trying to trick me. Not trying to negate your feelings but it does sound borderline manipulative from the outside (to me). My way! Who cares about what makes you comfortable. I would be suspicious. Just sayin'

 

He's doing the right thing in making sure that no kid comes before he's ready rather than counting on you to stay on top of your birth control. I know a couple of men this has happened to..."oops, I forgot my pill that one day". Not saying that's your plan, but I've seen pregnancies occur 'accidentally on purpose.'

This is my primary inkling, particularly due to her admitting "he knows she wants a baby."

 

In my younger and dumber days, I'd forego the condom if whoever I was with was on birth control. Missed a day, took one 12 hours later than usual, "it's fine as long as I don't go longer than a week without a new script." Name an excuse and I believed it. Could very well have had three kids by now if I weren't the luckiest unlucky person on Earth.

 

That's not a knock on women as plenty of dudes I'm sure screw up putting a condom, not leaving any room or putting it on the wrong way at first, simply flipping it around instead of getting a new one.

 

It's just to say that, when it comes to bringing new life into this world, it's worth it not to **** around with protection, and as far as I'm concerned, more is better.

 

Honestly, the level of offense the OP seems to take almost sounds like foiled plans. My hope is that's not the case.

[abitbroken]

"knowing he wants a baby" should be the least of your concerns. Being cautious - seeing if he adjusts to not being in prison and becomes a productive society member and to decide what the future holds for you - solidfying your family with marriage, or ultimately leaving him if he can't stay straight is what you should be more concerned about. Honestly, can you support another baby - not through any welfare program or parents or relatives helping you - but can you honestly say that you can comfortably support another child and give them the food, schooling and the mother and father that they need?

[Matt3939]

He might have something keystered.

[Wiseman2]

The guys in prison with the AIDs, HIV, hepatitis b and c, herpes, HPV anal warts etc. don't use condoms either. And the are rookies routinely anally gang-raped by everyone from Bubba on down the line.

My boyfriend, who is also the father of my 8y/o child, has been in prison for 5 years, he's out and refuses to have sex without a condom. Before he went away we never used condoms