Wish her happy birthday when things didn't end well?

[IsaacT]

My ex's birthday is coming up and I'm conflicted about whether or not to wish her happy birthday. I don't want to reconcile, things didn't end very well and don't feel for her like I used to, but she still played a big role in my life and part of me wants to. I realize it's not a big deal at all but I've still been thinking about it a lot.

 

To make a very long story short, she initiated a "temporary break" due to distance and not feeling treated well, but said she didn't want to see other people. A few days after that, she hooked up with someone else and lied for weeks about it.

 

The lying and my "overreaction" to it created a lot of conflict and we split up after that--she said it was my fault.

 

That was followed by about a month of no contact--then I deleted her online and got in touch, saying I hope she didn't find it immature. That resulted in a fight, as she found it "childish". I stuck by the decision and wished her all the best in the future.

 

My birthday was a few days after that and I didn't hear from her.

 

A week later, she got in touch, wanting to clear the air, and was very sweet, said she'd been looking up flights to see me and thought "things could still work." She also said it was really hard for her not to contact me on my birthday but thought I didn't want to hear from her.

 

We talked for a few days and I eventually said the best thing for me would be to keep moving on. She said the "never actually wanted to get back together and just wanted to try talking" because I was a very negative part of her life.

 

That resulted in another fight and we went back and forth pointing finders, I initially asked her to never contact me again, then apologized for being so harsh. Things then ended on decent terms and we told each other not to hesitate to get in touch if we ever needed anything.

 

About a week later I was feeling down about some unrelated things I had been struggling with and called her. She said she was busy but could call back later. I made a mistake and fell asleep when she was supposed to call, and apologized profusely the next day. She wasn't happy about it at all, said it was inconsiderate and was very dismissive, saying not much more than "bye" and "thanks" to my apology.

 

That was our last interaction and it was about two weeks ago.

 

I think that NOT reaching out on her birthday could send the message of "so you can contact me when you're having a hard time and expect me to bend my plans to talk, but you can't even wish me happy birthday"?

 

Then again, I'm not sure if she really wants to hear from me and she didn't wish me happy birthday.

 

Any advice is appreciated.

[Mt90]

Dude this web you are thinking to live by would trap you as it gets bigger. I understand your current situation and it was the exact worse phase of my life i lived for an year and a half doing the same mistake. Avoiding nc and putting each other in a place where you are existing for each other, but not actually.

And wishing her birthday and all it doesnt matter now. She was off for you for someone else. So apparently she can celebrate well. Learn something from her on this. And how many birthdays are you gonna be wishing her for? Maybe 2? Maybe 3? Dont be stuck mate.

And honestly this way of break up... First asking for 'space' and thn later playing around with the other persons mind and moving on by the side is the worst. All this when you could have talked bout any sort of problems or misunderstandings rather thn ghosting out if you really wished well for each other truely.

Dont give her any sorts of appreciations for this at the least in the form of any greetings. This is a dead end.

[Keyman]

Walk away, close all avenues of communication and let this part of your life end. It is over and needs to stay there. Repeat after me....Over. Now go do something constructive like not think about her.

[catfeeder]

I'd shut this down and not use a birthday or anything else as an excuse to contact ex.

[Capricorn3]

I'd shut this down and not use a birthday or anything else as an excuse to contact ex.

 

Totally agree.

[SherrySher]

Wow..no, do not contact. Each and every time you've gone back down that road it's ended up in another fight. You two are not compatible what so ever and are toxic to each other. You need to close that door now, not because there is any harshness but because it just is beating a dead horse. Leave it be. You two have tried and tried and it is not going to work out, not even to be friends. You don't need to have animosity over it, just realise that it's another fight waiting to happen and best you leave it be.

[No1]

I don't know if you realized this, but you asked about saying Happy Birthday when went on and typed the whole story about the relationship. If you are that conflicted, anxious, worried about her, then you don't say a word to her. Nothing good will come out of it.

 

Turn around, keep walking away.

[Knight2001]

hi,

i agree with everyone else, walk away my friend and keep walking. forget about her birthday and if you've any problems to discuss we are all here for you.

good luck.

[Careerchoice]

I don't want to reconcile

You're not being honest with yourself. Keeping in contact with her for any reason is going to be bad for you.

[Wiseman2]

This is your best guideline. Also that the fights just seem to continue whenever there is contact.

My birthday was a few days after that and I didn't hear from her.

[DancingFool]

For pity's sake, give it a rest already. Stop talking, stop contacting, be done for good and through no more contact ever again, give each other the gift of peace.

 

She is your ex, therefore her life, her life events, pretty much everything about her is no longer any of your business.

[CBC2000]

Sounds like you are trying to find excuses to contact her........ don't do it

[RicBoy]

First of all, she didn't wish you a birthday, so you shouldn't either. Even if she had wished you, I wouldn't wish her anyways. She was the one asking for space, so she should be the one to chase you and fix things.

 

Secondly, when you wish someone who has dumped you all the best, you don't call them a week later in a moment of weakness. It just tells her that you are going back on your word and you are weak without her. Showing weakness as a man does not create attraction.

 

Don't contact her for her birthday or any day for that matter. The last thing on earth you want to do is to reach out to someone who has rejected you.

 

Understand that a woman's love for a man is strongly based on admiration and respect. It's hard to respect someone who keeps reaching out after being rejected and doesn't get the hint she is no longer interested.

[boltnrun]

I'm pretty sure you're going to do it anyway, but I have to agree...telling someone you're going no contact yet continuing to contact them just demonstrates that your words and convictions are made of air. They mean nothing. And it's very hard to respect and feel attracted to someone who doesn't even keep their own word. The next time you try to put your foot down about something she'll just think "psshht...SURE you're going no contact! I'll hear from you tomorrow".

 

And I doubt she's sitting there waiting for a birthday text from you. Or if she is, it's just because she knows she has you wrapped around her little finger. Again, not a way to get respect and attraction.

[RicBoy]

I know you think by contacting her something will happen. You two will start speaking, you will go out, you will seduce her etc. She will be touched by your msg... And to be fair, few years ago I was able to pull that off, but let me tell you this, a lot of things have to go right in your favor. All the stars were aligned for me, she hadn't met or slept with anyone for 8 months of silence between us, she was emotional down, etc. This will happen 1 in 10 times which are not very good odds.

 

If you reach out to her after all what has happened, you may even get her to mee you face to face but guess what? The attraction just won't be there, she will see you as a friend, you will try to touch her or even kiss her and she will pull away, she will be like an animal in a cage. For her you will be the same old guy who hasn't changed a bit, still chasing.. That's just how women see things.

 

On the other hand, if she calls you and you will meet, you know for sure the attraction most likely will be there and you will be in a position of strength as well.

 

So again, no birthday msgs or any contact.

[IsaacT]

Thanks to everyone for all of these replies. I know it seems trivial to get so worked up over something like a birthday text but I guess it just shows that I do still care.

 

I guess part of me feels bad because one of our last interactions involved her calling me after I deleted her online, saying she still loved me and believed things could still work, etc.--it was extremely hard to say no because I still feel for her, but I did because of the cheating. So I am being honest when I say I don't want to reconcile, even though I really wish it was possible to go back in time before everything happened.

 

I get what you're saying about the no contact inconsistency. Every time I get in touch, it becomes harder to stay no contact and makes me feel weak. So I think you're all right. No birthday text.