My girlfriend is pressuring me to engage to her

[Anon3487]

I'm 19 and she's 20 (4 months apart).

 

She texted me this morning saying that she didn't feel well because of something she saw on Facebook. I was very understanding about it and was trying to see what was up. I eventually asked her if she wanted to talk on the phone and she agreed. I called her and she was very hesitant to tell me what was wrong, saying she was avoiding to tell me this for a long time and that "it hurts me to talk about this and it will hurt you too". I told her that we need to talk about this even if it hurts, because we can't push it aside.

 

She started by telling me she talked to a guy on a dating app before she met me (we met on the same dating app). They never actually met but they spoke to each other for a week. He was good looking, muscular and she said she thought "he was the one". She wanted a relationship with him and he was perfect for her. And then after a week he rejected her saying that he was going to try for his friend in the end. Today, she saw that he got engaged on Facebook and she felt hurt for some reason... She says she felt bad because she feels like she's far from that point in her life (with me).

 

So, she met me on that same dating app. We got into a serious relationship and we love each other. There were a lot of problems between us but the main problem that has never been resolved has always been marriage. It always eventually comes up and it's because we're not on the same page. I want to get married when I'll be comfortable with my career and completely independent (which might be in 2 to 3 years from now, if not even longer). She's told me many times that she's ready to get married NOW. If I asked her to get married she would say yes.

 

...We're now 9 and half months into our relationship...

 

I just don't understand why she can't just wait and enjoy our relationship. It also hurts to feel like some other dude that she texted on a dating app for 1 WEEK is something she fantasises instead of being with me. She's not realistic because of her traditional values and I love her but she's going to far with this marriage thing.

 

I feel like she's taking all the fun out of our relationship and everything is just super serious now... I feel like we should have a history before getting married and I feel like we should enjoy our relationship the way it is now because when we get married things will change and life is gonna be hard and our relationship will be different.

 

I feel like I should let her go... It feels we're never going to be on the same page because this keeps coming up and I feel like we both love each other but we're not in the relationship we want to be in. She wants to get married asap and force a commitment (sounds bad but that's exactly what she's doing) and I want to take my time and slowly built a relatiobnshoip up to the point of marriage...

 

I don't know what to do or how to feel about this... Why is she being like this? Any suggestions? Opinions?

[boltnrun]

Do you have your own place, a steady job that can provide for a household, reliable transportation? Does she?

[Anon3487]

Absolutely not. She has a car, a job, is going to college and university (college is pre uni here) and is doing extra curricular work at the cadets. I quit my job not long ago, because of school, I'm in a 2 year career progrom in college. I don't drive, I'm not financially stable, still trying to get out of my parent's house. She's stuck at her parents house until she gets married (it's part of her culture to stay home until getting married).

[Anon3487]

Do you have your own place, a steady job that can provide for a household, reliable transportation? Does she?

 

Absolutely not. She has a car, a job, is going to college and university (college is pre uni here) and is doing extra curricular work at the cadets. I quit my job not long ago, because of school, I'm in a 2 year career progrom in college. I don't drive, I'm not financially stable, still trying to get out of my parent's house. She's stuck at her parents house until she gets married (it's part of her culture to stay home until getting married).

[boltnrun]

So...exactly how are you two supposed to have the financial means to set up a household together?

 

And since when is getting married a competition? You don't get married just because someone else does.

[happyfrank]

I would breakup with her right away. I bet she was talking with that other guy about marriage too. Scary thought.

 

She doesn't want to marry somebody because of love. She wants to trap somebody.

 

Focus on your career first. This girl is not the one.

 

sorry.

 

Sorry.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately I agree. She seems to be stirring up drama. At 9 mos in she's now twisting your arm for marriage using these inane backhanded approaches?

 

Who calls their bf claiming to be "hurt" because she noticed a guy she Never Met got engaged on fb.

 

Really reflect and consider if you could stand a lifetime of this sort of drama and manipulation.

I feel like I should let her go... It feels we're never going to be on the same page because this keeps coming up and I feel like we both love each other but we're not in the relationship we want to be in.

[abitbroken]

You are a teenager. Sure, legally an adult, but a teen, still. I would not give in to the pressure. You will marry when you are ready and that will not be until you have established yourself - be that it a 4 year college or apprenticing a trade and then landing a job, getting off your parents' insurance and establishing your adult life. You will establish a saving's account and stand on your own two feet for your future. You may marry her, or someone completely different. I would tell her that if she needs to marry right now, then you will have to let her go so she can find someone to marry right now, because you are not marrying anyone at this point in your life.

 

This girl may be great, but she is too influenced by what everyone else is doing. Besides, this guy could have already been dating his fiancee for a long time and didn't tell her because he was flirting with her on the side because he was getting cold feet about proposing, you know?

 

Stick with the good, solid, clear head you have and you will do just fine.

[abitbroken]

Absolutely not. She has a car, a job, is going to college and university (college is pre uni here) and is doing extra curricular work at the cadets. I quit my job not long ago, because of school, I'm in a 2 year career progrom in college. I don't drive, I'm not financially stable, still trying to get out of my parent's house. She's stuck at her parents house until she gets married (it's part of her culture to stay home until getting married).

 

You just stick with getting that 2 year career program and get yourself lined up in a job afterwards. I never use "financially unstable" if someone is purposefully living with parents in order to finish a career training and is the right age to do so. you sound very smart. Could it be that she is merely itching to get out of her parents' house? culture or no, she could go away to school and live in a dorm if that was the case.

[Matt3939]

He was good looking, muscular and she said she thought "he was the one". She wanted a relationship with him and he was perfect for her.

 

Well she never even met him but still obsesses over him. She has met you what does she think of you? You are 19 live your life. I don't mean with 100 woman. I just mean what's the rush? Go to school get a job. I didn't even have a gf at 19 I can't even think of marriage at that age. Good luck

[j.man]

Brother, she's crazy. Focus on life and getting your career going. Plenty non-crays out there to pursue afterward.

[Wiseman2]

Yes this says it all. Run.

She wanted a relationship with him and he was perfect for her. Well she never even met him but still obsesses over him.

Brother, she's crazy.

[Seraphim]

Run man run. No one needs to be married at 19. Jebus my son is 19. If some GIRL wanted to get engaged to him now I would beat her off with a pot.

[reinventmyself]

Her motivation to get married is for all the wrong reasons.

You know this, right?

[Birdie]

She doesn't want a marriage...

 

She wants a wedding and the hoopla of getting engaged. She sounds no where near ready to be married and incredibly immature.

[BecxyRex]

It really sounds like she only likes the idea of marriage and the sparkle surrounding it. I'd stick to your approach which sounds way more reasonable.

[ParisPaulette]

This is where you need to hold to your boundaries and tell her you are not looking at marriage this early on, that you need to finish school first and then get a job and then, if you two are still together, marriage can be a future step. But refuse to let her pressure you, because marriage isn't about, "Let's keep up with the guy I talked to for a week and now want to outdo, just to make him jealous or whatever."

 

And at 19 and you in your early 20s, I would say no don't get married. Or you'll end up like I did getting a divorce down the line when you realize you got married for the wrong reasons. A true relationship, a good marriage, is a partnership with both people on the same page. Calling you up to tell you she wants to get married, because some guy she got rejected from is marrying is also a sure sign of her immaturity and exactly the reason why she has no business marrying anyone. If she cannot handle a schoolyard type, "That kid has the kind of handbag I wanted and it's not fair," thing then she is nowhere near ready for marriage.

 

As much as it hurts, you need to be honest with her and tell her if she wants marriage now you are not the one and there's the door. And refuse to be guilted into it.

 

This one will want the big fancy wedding with all the trimming and are you really ready to toss away your whole future and go into debt for some brat, who really just treated you like one her girlfriends she could throw a tantrum over? I cannot imagine she is that sincere in her love if some guy she talked to for a week is getting married to someone else and it's upset her this much. Or it's a ruse and she's just trying to push you into competing with some imaginary guy to get what she wants.

 

Either way it's manipulative, shallow, and does not show a genuine love. It's time for you to revisit the relationship, because now that the honeymoon period if over of new love, this is the person you are dealing with and what she is really like. But please don't marry this girl. Or you will definitely regret it. And I agree, not even a year in, both of you in school, it is too soon to even talk of marriage.

 

Keep in mind it's easy to blow a ton of money on a huge wedding, it's not so easy to get your way out of debt or start over in the poorhouse for foolish decisions made in the heat of the moment. The right partner will back you on your choices in life and your path, not try to push it off for what is a very weak, very shallow, reason.

[Anon3487]

She just told me that she's sorry for hurting me and that she was very confused as she was wondering if I were the one for her. After she saw the dude getting engaged on Facebook she felt like watching videos of people walking down the aisle on youtube and she overflowed with emotion (because she was seeing the girl leaving her family and all the stress that comes along with getting married)... She said she's not ready to get married either. I asked myself why she would say that if in the past she clearly said that she's be ready to marry me NOW. She said she's figured everything out today after thinking about it for a few hours. Aparently she's been having doubts about me and she said she never should have had doubts.

 

I want to accept her apology and move on, but at the same time my gut is telling me to leave her. I feel like she's being dishonest with me and I feel emotionally tired of her... I know that if I leave her, it'll break my heart, because I really do love her so damn much and I'm guilty of fantasising a future with her, but I don't know if I should leave her, she's my first love and I really don;t want to let her go...

[Wiseman2]

However when you are free and clear of her you have the chance to meet wonderful compatible women on the same page as you without the immature drama.

 

This alone is your instinct telling you what you need to do 3487;6773436]I feel like she's being dishonest with me and I feel emotionally tired of her..

[nutbrownhare]

Run man run. No one needs to be married at 19. Jebus my son is 19. If some GIRL wanted to get engaged to him now I would beat her off with a pot.

 

This ^^^. Don't even contemplate it!

 

Even if you were a pair of old farts who'd been round the block a few times, 9 months in is far too soon to be thinking about marriage. As it is, you've hardly started your lives...

[reinventmyself]

This ^^^. Don't even contemplate it!

 

Even if you were a pair of old farts who'd been round the block a few times, 9 months in is far too soon to be thinking about marriage. As it is, you've hardly started your lives...

I gave 2 sons and if one was still ninteen and having these issues, I'd put him on restriction

[journeynow]

You are right, she is not realistic, and perhaps she won't be. This sums it up :

 

They never actually met but they spoke to each other for a week. He was good looking, muscular and she said she thought "he was the one".

 

That's beyond unrealistic, but tells you something about who she is, what she is like. To me, that red flag is so big it obliterates everything else. It is scary.

 

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, and are being realistic and wise. I agree with you here:

 

I feel like I should let her go... It feels we're never going to be on the same page because this keeps coming up and I feel like we both love each other but we're not in the relationship we want to be in.

[itsallgrand]

Yeah, from what you write, she sounds mentally unstable. I'm sorry your first love is an experience like this. She is not the norm. And yes, your guts and reason is correct IMO.

 

Here's how I see it playing out if you stay: increased drama as she gets even more comfortable with you, harder pushes for marriage, and her attempting to get pregnant.

[BeenThereB4]

She's not mentally unstable. She is just a girl that wants to get married. You don't want to marry her, so let her go. She will thank you later once she finds the guy that wants to marry her.

 

For what it's worth, both guys that didn't want to marry me are still childless and single, while I'm married with a son. You will be doing her a favor by dumping her.

[abitbroken]

If she is having doubts about dating you, then you should break up. You are 9 months in - just dating - not getting engaged at this point, and if she is having doubts that you are the right boyfriend for her, then you shouldn't settle for someone who doesn't think you are great. Obviously, no one is perfect. Everyone has flaws and stuff to work on, but people should both desire to be with that other person - it doesn't mean you have to decide to marry that person immediately - but if just even knowing "yes, i am happy with this person and wish to continue" is not something she can answer, then it should be over.