Should I buy land with my boyfriend before we are engaged

[Miss thing]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 1 year and 3 months. Recently we have discussed buying land together and then building a house on the land after a short while. I think this is a good idea and we both agree on the area that we would like to live. I don’t believe in living together until we are engaged. He agrees with me on this, but thinks we should buy land together before we are engaged. I’m not too sure however I’m leaning on the idea that such a big financial decision needs an equally big commitment such as an engagement. His thinking is more pragmatic and he thinks that all our money should go into the deposit then he will take some time to save up for an engagement ring then get engaged before we start to build the house. He likes this idea because it allows us to have a bigger deposit and then gives him time to save up for a diamond engagement ring. I on the other hand care very little about having a pricey engagement ring and am more concerned with having a very stable commitment before you make a huge financial commitment and decide on where you will live together. Please feel free to add your thoughts and advice.

[Ms Darcy]

If I were you, I would not buy land/build a house with a man I was not married to.

 

All other decisions would flow from there. If finances are an issue, an engagement ring isn't even needed.

[Matt3939]

I wouldn't unless something was written up legally. So myself or my partner wouldn't loose everything. It's not fun loosing all you worked hard for its not an easy lesson. I'd write down a pros and cons and ask people you know and trust so you aren't bias. Good luck

[SherrySher]

No.

Not even if I were engaged.

If he were my husband, then yes, but otherwise no.

[Snny]

Another vote for no. Mortgages are more difficult to get out of than a lease if you aren't in a secured position of your relationship.

 

Definitely don't do it while engaged. It's still risky.

 

Rent for a year and settle before buying. That way you can see how both of you wil cohabit, how to handle arguments/fights, etc.

[gebaird]

If things go wrong you could find yourself in a bad situation with limited legal protection. Wait until you're married.

[Miss thing]

yes, I agree it would all be written up and both our names would be on the mortgage and the deed. We would also put in an equal amount of money into the deposit and repayments.

[Miss thing]

I'm not too worried about the legal side of things. I have a few lawyer friends and everything will be in writing and very explicit. I'm more concerned with an official deep commitment such as an engagement before a big financial commitment.

[Hollyj]

If I were you, I would not buy land/build a house with a man I was not married to.

 

All other decisions would flow from there. If finances are an issue, an engagement ring isn't even needed.

Totally agree!!!!

[notalady]

Like everyone else, I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't make financial commitments with someone until we're married.

 

Even with legal documents and both your names on the land and mortgage, things can still go wrong if you don't work out, I knew someone who bought a land with her partner (of 5 years) with the view of marrying and building a house together. Well it didn't work out, they broke up, he stopped paying his share of the mortgages, the bank doesn't care who's actually paying, it's under both of their names, if it doesn't get paid, they both default. So she ended up paying the whole lot every month, just so she doesn't have a loan default on her name. He wasn't cooperative about selling the land either, made things difficult for her. They sold eventually, after she's been through hell, lost money, she just wanted to get rid of it, even if it was at a loss.

 

Not saying that will happen to you, but it's a very possible scenario. No one expect it to happen to them, including this woman.

 

On another aside, if you don't care about an expensive ring, say so. Tell him what you want. It can't be used as an excuse to not commit if you explicitly tell him you don't want that. Then you'll find out if he truly wants to commit or not.

[ParisPaulette]

Personally no, I would hold off buying any property or major joint purchases until I was married after doing up a mutually agreeable prenup that was signed and in the possession of a good lawyer. That way you have at least some standing and so does he legally. My husband and I did not do any major purchases for anything together until we had the prenups drawn up, both agreed on them, and then we married. Before that, neither of us was about to do something that big. I've purchased property and houses before - they are, at least from my own experience - as big a commitment if not more than a relationship. I could always leave a bad relationship if I needed to. But a house with a mortgage? Yeah, I'm stuck with it until someone takes it off my hands or I take a total bath and lose all money I couldn't afford to lose in the first place.

 

Why are you looking at co-mingling money and property when you aren't even engaged? I don't really understand that. Why the rush? I agree with the poster who advised rent together, live together first, see how you both are together before you rush into something like that.

 

It's all good and fine to say you have lawyer friends, but it won't protect you from having to pay out a ton of money if things go wrong in any capacity. It doesn't even have to be that you break up, what if one of you can't make the payments or someone else sues one of you and goes after the property or one of you passes and the relatives decide they want the place instead?

 

Do what I do whenever someone, anyone, proposes I put a huge chunk of cash down on a risky investment that I might have no legal standing on in the future OR that I'd have to pay out more in legal fees to defend if things go wrong, with money that I don't have. Say, "Okay, what are the hidden gotchas and downsides?" And then you go and find them.

 

And I say you should do that, because really this looks like you're letting your emotions rule you. Or you'd have already gone to an attorney or three and be grilling your lawyer friends about what your legal liabilities and risks are in doing this, not asking strangers on an Internet forum what we think then arguing why you still say it's a good idea.

 

Another rule I have - I never make a purchase that's big enough it would hurt me financially with my heart or emotions instead of my head. Never.

[chitown9]

You know deep down inside that you need to be married before you purchase land together. chi

[Blue Dreamer]

I on the other hand care very little about having a pricey engagement ring and am more concerned with having a very stable commitment before you make a huge financial commitment and decide on where you will live together.

 

Have you made the above 100% clear to him?

[BeenThereB4]

As everyone else said, do not buy land with a man to whom you are not married. It seems like he really wants to buy land, but needs you to pay for half. The old "waiting to buy a fancy engagement ring" is a big string along tactic to delay engagement. In reality, one doesn't need a ring at all to be engaged, or married, for that matter.

[melancholy123]

I agree with everyone else. However if you do choose to go ahead and buy land with him you will need a lawyer anyway to do all the necessary paperwork to make it yours and his, and you should make sure it's spelled out in the legal papers what will happen if you do split up, how will the sale of the land take place, who will pay for what, and if one of you wants to keep the land then that person will have to buy out the other person. You've got a lot to think about and you definitely need to do it with eyes open.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately he's more interested in a house/financial deal than discussing engagement and using "saving for a ring" as the excuse.

 

Talk to your accountant, financial adviser and an attorney before commingling finances with an unrelated, noncommittal person.

 

It could be massively expensive getting out of this deal if things don't pan out. Stop thinking emotionally about engagement. It's not a legal contact regarding co-owning property. Get married first, then buy a house together. That covers you legally.

 

If he's not ready to marry he's not ready to co-own property.

discussed buying land together and then building a house on the land after a short while. I think this is a good idea. thinks we should buy land together before we are engaged. He likes this idea because it allows us to have a bigger deposit and then gives him time to save up for a diamond engagement ring.

[Iggy5129]

One more vote for it's a bad idea.

[ParisPaulette]

Here's a good article that goes over the dos and don'ts of unmarried couples purchasing a house/land together. /

 

But honestly OP, if he can't afford to purchase an engagement ring then he also can't afford to purchase a house. In fact that makes zero sense. A ring costs a whole lot less than a house does, so his arguments make zero sense.

 

This makes zero sense. A ring at best, if a massively fancy one, might cost you what a whopping 5K - which I personally think is just stupid, - but depending on where you live you're on the hook for no less than 25, 30, 50, 100 or more thousand for a house and land.

 

Does that make sense to you? Because it doesn't to me.

[journeynow]

I wouldn't. Nor do I think an engagement ring is important for commitment. If I am ready to share property AND commit, then I'd get married first, buy land second. I, personally, value land more than jewelry, but that's me.

 

EDIT to add: I value love more than land or jewelry, but again, that is me.

[DancingFool]

yes, I agree it would all be written up and both our names would be on the mortgage and the deed. We would also put in an equal amount of money into the deposit and repayments.

 

Without being married, this is precisely what can get you into very deep financial trouble in case your relationship goes south and you two end up breaking up. You don't need legal help on signing these contracts, you need serious legal help in understanding fully all your personal liabilities in this deal, which are usually joint and several. Meaning if he defaults on his half, YOU will be fully liable. If you can't pay solo, you will go down in flames and end up in a foreclosure, lawsuits, and your credit wrecked for years.

 

I'm not too worried about the legal side of things. I have a few lawyer friends and everything will be in writing and very explicit. I'm more concerned with an official deep commitment such as an engagement before a big financial commitment.

 

Leaning on friends would be a mistake and technically somewhat unethical on their part because they are not really able to be impartial. Also, do they actually specialize in this? You need an impartial lawyer, who isn't your friend and isn't trying to make this work for you, who actually specializes in this area of law, to tell you the cold hard truth about what you are contemplating and the consequences of it without mincing words. Any impartial lawyer will spend most of the consultation telling you don't do it, btw.

 

As for being engaged, that's neither here nor there. Marriage makes you a legal entity, engagement means nothing. Frankly, you don't need some big ring to be engaged or some huge wedding and party to be married. If you are both truly ready, you can go down to the courthouse and file for your marriage license and move forward with that. You can always have a bigger ring later in life. Friends of mine who got married in college, we had a pizza party in their tiny apartment. Was more fun than big formal weddings. 10 years later they decided to renew their wows as an excuse to have a big formal wedding party. Honestly, the pizza one was better. Either way, their marriage was never about rings or weddings, it was about their commitment to each other and their marriage has always been a very strong partnership.

[Miss thing]

Thanks everyone who took the time to write their opinions/advice. I took time to think about it and I reckon what I'll do is to let my boyfriend buy the land on his own which he can do and is happy to do. I'll just keep saving my money and at a later date when we are more committed to each other (married) I would be more than happy to put my money into building the house with him.