Could use some advice...is he breadcrumbing me?

[Laluna14]

I met someone from Tinder back in mid-December for a coffee meeting. We had a great conversation. He seemed to have quite a bit of substance and a good sense of humour. I thought that we connected well but that day I was leaving for two weeks for Christmas holidays. I kind of figured that I wouldn't hear from him again but he kept up the communication on Tinder while I was away. The pattern seems to be that he will answer every couple of days. He will never respond right away but, at least he is consistent and does follow up and respond and also his posts are lengthy.

 

So when I came back at the beginning of January I asked him if he wanted to meet up and he said yes, definitely. Well that was now a month and a half ago. He says he is really busy as he is a teacher and also tutors on weekends. I've asked him about meeting up twice now and he keeps saying, he wants to and promises that it will be soon but then days go by. I also think it's strange that we just keep talking on Tinder and have never exchanged phone numbers. I was really interested in getting to know him but I'm tired of playing the Tinder texting game, waiting to get a response from him and then it's just like this never ending conversation that never leads to him asking me to meet up in person. I enjoy talking to him and I don't want to turn him away but I also feel like maybe he is bread crumbing me? I understand being busy, because I am extremely busy with work and school but I would think he could carve out some time to meet me in a month and a half. I see this continuing like this, so I said I would not ask him to meet up again but I figure at this rate we never will if I leave the ball in his court.

 

I am wondering if I should just stop the contact with him. Or should I just continue the way we are and enjoy having a Tinder pen pal while continuing to look for someone that actually wants to spend time with me? Or should I be straight up and tell him how I'm feeling. I have a feeling if I do that it will drive him away but he certainly doesn't seem in any hurry to meet me anyway...

 

Any advice is much appreciated. I am feeling anxious about this and just want it to resolve, I'm tired of this hanging over my head, I guess because I really am quite interested in him and having it go nowhere is frustrating.

[JaggerJim]

You should give him your number so the balls in his court to text you. Just leave your number in your next message to him. If he does not follow up, forget him.

 

But you'll find once he has your number, and won't call you, he'll cease contact anyways. Just a gut feeling.

[RainyCoast]

i would personally only use online dating apps for setting up dates in person as soon as possible, definitely not to keep a penpal lol.

 

yeah i think it's breadcrumbing. one reason to keep in touch with women he hasn't bothered meeting is to have a rainyday option available, reason two is sometimes they hope it'll evolve into sexting, nudes and camming which is also good if one is desperate or married.

 

no date is "bye then" to me. you're not there to waste time i assume, and he's been wasting your time for months.

[j.man]

Well, you've asked him twice now to hang out and he's been dodgy without any follow-up. I don't think he's breadcrumming you. I just think you're not taking the hint that he has no intention of seeing you. Like with JaggerJim, it's just a hunch, but it's certainly where all signs seem to lead.

 

As to why he keeps responding, could be any reason. Maybe he likes to have someone to message while he takes a dump. Maybe you've got a nice picture with some cleavage in it. Or maybe he genuinely does want to hang out sometime. I wouldn't put my hopes on the latter most, though.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent you asked about meeting again. Yes it does sounds like a holding pattern more so than dating. No phone number? Do you think he's multidating or married?

 

Tinder breadcrumbs.

I came back at the beginning of January I asked him if he wanted to meet up and he said yes, definitely. Well that was now a month and a half ago. I've asked him about meeting up twice now. we just keep talking on Tinder and have never exchanged phone numbers.

]

[Sportster2005]

He is stringing you along. When someone wants to be with you, they will. Everything else is noise and BS. Don't waste another second on this guy.

[mbee]

Yeah move on. This seems like way too much effort for a guy that you have met just once. Focus your efforts on different guys and stop asking him to hang out. I personally don't burn bridges with a guy I went on one date with, but send him your number and let him know to text you as you don't like messaging on Tinder that much.

 

Honestly sounds like WAY TOO MUCH WASTED ENERGY on a guy you have met once, I don't know how you have remained in contact with this guy for almost 2 months. Move on

[katrina1980]

Well, you've asked him twice now to hang out and he's been dodgy without any follow-up. I don't think he's breadcrumming you. I just think you're not taking the hint that he has no intention of seeing you. Like with JaggerJim, it's just a hunch, but it's certainly where all signs seem to lead.

 

 

I agree he's not "breadcrumbing" you; I mean except for the one coffee meet, you haven't really established anything for him to breadcrumb you with. You had one coffee meet.

 

Obviously he has no intention of meeting up again (not in the near future anyway), but if you're enjoying your on-line chats, find then enjoyable, entertaining, whatevs, then carry on.

 

If, however, you want more (like meeting up again soon and spending real time together), then tell him this and if he can't handle that, then stop chatting with him.

[Matt3939]

My schedule is insane but I'd still make time for someone I'm interested in. He's a teacher he's home so unless he lives in a house with 6 bathrooms and is horrible at logistics then there isn't an excuse. I'd give up.

[J Miracle]

If it's stressing you out enough, you could call him out on it, but I think the writing is on the wall. He's not that interested in meeting in person. His actions have spoken louder than any message confirmation. Maybe your a backup plan, as he has other more suitable girls. Maybe he doesn't like you, but he's too nice to shoot you down. Or maybe he really is super busy. Leave your #, back off and let go of expectations. Learn to develop thicker dating skin. I'm working on that myself.

 

I know when I date women with apps, I try to get right to the in person meet as quickly and tactfully as possible. As a guy, if I'm into a girl, You better believe I'll make some time for her one way or another. Texting buddies, for me are pointless. And if you don't want a pin pal, leave this guy in the dust.

[reinventmyself]

In your description you mention him responding to you (days later) and you asking him to get together more than once.

Does he initiate contact or make plans because it sounds as if you are the one driving this train.

If he isn't making at least half the effort then he's likely not interested.

[Laluna14]

Hi and thanks so much everyone for your responses, I appreciate hearing your perspectives. I would say it has been all me in terms of making plans to meet again.In terms of initiating contact well it's hard to say because we have been writing back and forth, like he will send a message then I will respond (I've been waiting a couple of days to respond to him because of his delays) and then he will respond. He seems content to just keep it at texting every few days with no mention of meeting up other than it will happen "soon" when I asked and I'm getting tired of it. I'm not going to beg someone to meet up with me. I did say to him if he wasn't interested to just tell me and we would end it but he insisted he was interested, but was so busy. Sigh. Well I don't want to go on so I'm going to follow some of the suggestions here and move on. Thanks everyone!

[reinventmyself]

He seems content to just keep it at texting every few days with no mention of meeting up other than it will happen "soon" when I asked and I'm getting tired of it. I'm not going to beg someone to meet up with me. I did say to him if he wasn't interested to just tell me and we would end it but he insisted he was interested, but was so busy.!

 

It's been a while since I have on line dated, but my past couple experiences I found the majority of people just want an electronic friend.

I've learned to suss them out quickly and move on. It seems to suite people.

I don't get it but if it's something you aren't interested in, I would consider my time valuable and wouldn't waste it on an electronic friendship.

Hold out for something you really want and deserve.

 

He may be interested in you. . but maybe as a back up option.

If you were his priority he'd make time for you and wouldn't risk losing you to someone else.

Next!

[katrina1980]

 

He may be interested in you. . but maybe as a back up option.

 

If you were his priority he'd make time for you and wouldn't risk losing you to someone else.

 

I wonder, do most men even consider this? That they may lose a women to another guy if they don't step it up?

 

I asked my brother (the commitment phobe) about this, and he said the thought that he could lose her to another guy has never even crossed his mind.

 

In fact, at least with the women HE dates, the more he lays low, the more they want him! Go figure.

 

But then again, he has such a huge ego, he thinks every woman he dates is in love with him and wants to marry him (and he would be right!), so that may have something to do with it too.

 

Re being a priority, he just met her, they had one coffee date.

 

I think it's a stretch to expect him to consider her a priority at this extremely early stage of the game.

[reinventmyself]

I wonder, do most men even consider this? That they may lose a women to another guy if they don't step it up?

 

I asked my brother (the commitment phobe) about this, and he said the thought that he could lose her to another guy has never even crossed his mind.

 

In fact, at least with the women HE dates, the more he lays low, the more they want him! Go figure.

 

But then again, he has such a huge ego, he thinks every woman he dates is in love with him and wants to marry him (and he would be right!), so that may have something to do with it too.

 

Re being a priority, he just me her, they had one coffee date.

 

I think it's a stretch to expect him to consider her a priority at this extremely early stage of the game.

'

 

They met 2 months ago. . Hello?! There is no dating game going on.

He won't arrange to see her again and she is doing all the contact.

 

I didn't mean a priority in his life. . but a priority in dating.

 

Your brother, the commitment phobe may be right. . be he is a commitment phobe afterall,

therefore he's a great resource on men you don't want to date

[katrina1980]

'

 

They met 2 months ago. . Hello?!

He won't arrange to see her again and she is doing all the contact...

I didn't mean a priority in his life. . but a priority in dating.

 

Your brother the commitment phobe may be right. . be he is a commitment phobe afterall,

therefore he's a great resource on men you don't want to date

 

Well you're right he won't arrange to meet her again but she said they are BOTH maintaining the contact. Making equal effort even if it's every couple of days.

 

HE texts, she responds, then he responds ....then she responds. Which I think is fine.

 

I don't know what's going on his life right now that he can't meet her, we could speculate until hell freezes over and we still won't know.

 

But I DO agree with you, it's possible he is just like my CP brother and scared to death of "relationships" and prefers to keep things on the down low to avoid that from happening.

 

So OP should keep this in mind as she decides what she wants to do.

[evad1]

I wonder, do most men even consider this? That they may lose a women to another guy if they don't step it up? ]

 

Why would care if there are million women to take her place lol? The question should be how do I make myself stand out enough that's he is worried about this if possible?

[surfdiva]

I also have a stupid-crazy schedule but I make time for the people I really really want to see. If he's being "meh", then I'd move on for sure.

[katrina1980]

Well you're right he won't arrange to meet her again but she said they are BOTH maintaining the contact. Making equal effort even if it's every couple of days.

 

HE texts, she responds, then he responds ....then she responds. Which I think is fine.

 

I don't know what's going on his life right now that he can't meet her, we could speculate until hell freezes over and we still won't know.

 

But I DO agree with you, it's possible he is just like my CP brother and scared to death of "relationships" and prefers to keep things on the down low to avoid that from happening.

 

So OP should keep this in mind as she decides what she wants to do.

 

Just thought of something else too.

 

In keeping with my thread about the show Catfish (in the "off topic" section), wherein one guy was "interacting" on line with 400+ women as an "experiment," perhaps that's what this guy (and others like him) are doing too.

 

Although he met you in person, it's possible he simply wants to see how many women he can "chat up"... in an effort to see how his different on line approaches and advances affects their responses (to him).

 

He mixes it up, tries various 'approaches' and sits back to see how each women responds. All on line of course.

 

As an "experiment."

 

Obviously my head is NOT in a very good place right now to be thinking these thoughts, which is one reason why I stopped watching the show. LOL

 

Seriously though, I would not rule anything out when it comes to chatting on line. Anything is possible.

 

You can either have fun with it yourself or simply next him if you can't be bothered.... OR just see how it all plays out.

 

He could be a good guy.

[gone]

Keep it simple and say bye felicia

[reinventmyself]

Just thought of something else too.

 

In keeping with my thread about the show Catfish (in the "off topic" section), wherein one guy was "interacting" on line with 400+ women as an "experiment," perhaps that's what this guy (and others like him) are doing too.

 

Although he met you in person, it's possible he simply wants to see how many women he can "chat up"... in an effort to see how his different responses and approaches (on line) affects their responses (to him).

 

He mixes it up, tries various 'approaches' and sits back to see how each women responds. All on line of course.

 

As an "experiment."

 

Obviously my head is NOT in a very good place right now to be thinking these thoughts, which is one reason why I stopped watching the show. LOL

 

It's all feels very manipulative. . if he is indeed maneuvering to get a desired response.

Either way, I'd bail.

[katrina1980]

 

It's all feels very manipulative. . if he is indeed maneuvering to get a desired response.

Either way, I'd bail.

 

That's cause it IS very manipulative. Mean and manipulative. No conscience.

 

Yeah on second thought, maybe bailing is best.

 

Stick to guys who are willing to meet in person, date you properly and get to know you that way.

[katrina1980]

It's all feels very manipulative. . if he is indeed maneuvering to get a desired response.

Either way, I'd bail.

 

With guys like him (the guy on Catfish), it's not even a "desired" response he's after.

 

Any ole response will do, he doesn't care, he's simply conducting an experiment to gauge the various responses he receives from various women.

 

In HIS case, 400+ women.

 

He admitted it! Pretty sick.

[Laluna14]

Hi guys, thank you for your thoughts! Maybe I am being naive, but I don't think he is being manipulative or catfishing. The thought did cross my mind that he could be dating multiple people or even married. I guess it is all just speculation at this point. I think he is busy and there is something else holding him back, fear of commitment, who knows. I told him to be honest with me and to tell me if he wasn't interested in meeting and he said he wanted to definitely, and soon. But yes, actions speak louder than words. I feel like he is comfortable just keeping this as an electronic friendship and at small talk about the weather etc. and not making an effort to move it forward...

[Hollyj]

He's a waste of time. Move on.