gone

I guess it's been a month since I posted on here but it honestly feels like a lot longer. I think that's a good thing. It's been a few months since my ex and I stopped talking for the most part and it's not really about no contact anymore. I have spent the last few months really busy at work, and a lot of my socializing has been through work networks. I haven't been interested in starting something new with someone else. It's just what it is. I acknowledge the love I had for someone who I thought was great. I've gone over the problems we had and the reasons it ended, and along the way realized my own needs more. It's nice to no longer feel angry and full of blame. That is good. I don't even know why I am writing anymore, because I don't really want to talk about my feelings much anymore, not because I don't have any, I just don't want to talk about it anymore. Hence why I don't really post much anymore. Hugs to ya'll. Get out and do your work and treat yourself well and feel comfortable being alone until you get your needs met, is my advice. Life is sometimes sad, but then again it is sometimes happy.

Guess what, people? I have a wonderful update to make. 10 weeks ago, my ex walked out of my life, this being 6 months after I dumped him for treating me poorly during the time we lived together. During that 6 months, I asked for reasonable change. He failed to show me he would validate my perspective, much less change, all the while he tried to get me to be with him again. I still loved him, but I was not about to put myself back into a situation that lacked compromise. I truly DID feel shattered, as this was the person I thought I'd marry. I was all sorts of confused, sad, and beside myself knowing there was nothing more *I* could do to change the situation for the better. I decided to focus on myself, but once he did finally disappear (10 weeks ago), I was hit with a second wave of grief at the sudden loss of him from my life. I had trouble understanding how to move on, and I did not picture myself developing feelings for someone else. But I worked steadily to understand what happened between us, and in this way...I provided myself with closure. It has been mostly NC for the last 10 weeks - with one interruption from him - which showed me I was still in the Anger Phase. But, I am moving out of the Anger Phase and I have L E T G O. It feels wonderful! Amazing! Terrific! Reviving! I am ecstatic to have my self and my life back! I feel so content and happy. Just 10 weeks ago, I was crying regularly and feeling grief-stricken and really crappy, even having trouble sleeping. I thought it would never end, because it never did...while we were in contact. And now, I am my self again, and I am SO HAPPY. You can be, too. Maybe this should be a 10-week NC thread? They say 90 days is the ticket...I did it in 75. It's amazing! Like going to the spa for your soul. Give yourself 75 days, people!

I've come to realize that the only way to truly get over my ex is to no longer have feelings for him. I spent a lot of time (and energy) feeling hurt and angry. I went through all kinds of thoughts and feelings. Yes, what happened to me was unfair. It was deeply unfair, and for a while, I wanted an apology, I wanted somehow for it to have not happened. This was natural. But now, I realize that underneath all that hurt and fury is the staple that kept me in it - my feelings for him. Once I don't have them anymore, I will truly be free. It's probably not something I have control over, but I realize that grief is inevitable and, welcomed.

*Hugs for All* Even though I know my ex was mean, rude, dishonest and selfish toward me, at first I missed my dreams of love and having what it was I wanted with a man...and now I still do feel sad from to time, but there's less of a hole in my heart, because over the last couple of months I've become accepting of the inevitability of this outcome, given the beginning of the sentence. It doesn't change my feelings, but it's better to have myself than to have no self at all....

I don't think about my ex like I used to, not at all. (Been about 2 months since things were final but a lot more since I broke up with him.) Sometimes funny things happen, little things that serve to remind me what an jerkface he was. Take today, for instance. I was sitting in a work meeting, and someone brought up the fact that you can get an external harddrive for really cheap these days. I immediately remembered how my ex had gotten me one as a holiday gift (the only holiday gift I ever got from him- it was during the honeymoon stage, of course) and then I remembered how the plug to it came loose, and I asked him to fix it (since he was handy with computer stuff). I remember how he yelled at me for "always being careless" and he accused me of "dropping and breaking the harddrive" with my "carelessness". The harddrive was fine. It just needed a new shell, which we got for $1.87 or whatever it was. There was once a time when memories like this would make me burn with rage, but now I just shake my head and think, "GOD, WHAT A LOSER."

Day 3 I actually feel pretty good now. I think I got a lot off my chest when my ex contacted me last week with his fake condolences. It just reminded me of how condescending he is, and how he actually seeks vulnerability and wants to feel pity for people because it makes him feel a little less small himself when he can feel bad for someone else. What a narcissist. I must have been confusing for him, because I wasn't pitiful and I overcame his abuse to continue living my life and actually made a lot of accomplishments and continued with my social life despite all the abuse from him. I am realizing I can date other people and actually, it is very easy for me to get dates and I am sure, find a new relationship with someone else who is handsome, accomplished and who treats me better. Wow, has my perspective changed over the last couple of months!

Day 2 I wasn't in a normal relationship. I can see now, the many times I healthily pulled away and attempted to move on. And how my ex would pull me back in and destroy my progress. I am truly happy to see now, how him contacting me recently did not have that effect on me. It actually helped me recognize his behavior as nothing new. He contacted me simply to attempt to exert control. I went back in my journals and I read about how things were between us. I read a letter I wrote to him in July of this year. We had broken up by then, but he was rallying to get me back. I had agreed to hear him out, but he disappointed me by not keeping his word, and doing a bait and switch (and denying that was what it was-- but I was on to him and too smart to be fooled). In my letter, I clearly spell out what happened and what I needed from him - I did this without accusation and blame, but also without guilt or being mean at all. It's a lovely letter. It is not sad or dramatic or self-pitying or accusing, or anything. It just tells it like it is. It basically explains that he should have been honest about me not being what he was looking for, and I provided many examples of where his behavior was simply unacceptable, and many examples where I was simply not loved or appreciated. I never sent that letter - because at the time it was written, I was trying to find closure and move on. I see now that my ex is what prevented me from moving on sooner. I am taking the reins over and moving on myself. I wasn't going to change him, and he has zero interest in being the person I'd need for him to be in order for me to be happy. If I need a reminder, I decided to reread my old journals.

I don't feel angry today at all. Just very, very sad.

My ex was recently in touch with me after 6 weeks of silence, to send a one-sentence belated and unasked-for condolence on a recent loss in my life. I did respond briefly and gracefully, and then he wanted details on what happened, which angered me. He was insensitive and self-absorbed as usual (and e-stalking me). Why did I expect anything different? Leopards don't change their spots. I feel it was a setback, to feel anger. But on the other hand, I already have the anger. But I was working on letting go gracefully, and in not seeing him as a monster, and accepting and moving on. Maybe it helped me move on in a way, though, to see what a genuinely unhelpful person he really is, and to further accept he does not care about me, and he never did. Now I realize it will be some time before I am healed enough to want to be in another relationship-- for I have been in this situation in the past after another relationship ended in lies and disappointment. The only difference was that in that one, I accepted immediately that my ex was a threat to me. In this one, I've put off accepting that fully. I feel sad and hollow as I stare that fact in the face. You'll never be who I thought you were. You'll never be what I needed you to be. I felt a deep betrayal and I battled against accepting that our love was not real. But that's what it was - a sham, and an unnecessary hindrance in my ability to live my life. I feel an intense feeling that is like hatred when I think of how you used and discarded me. I know this feeling will pass - and I know this because YOU are not worth hating. I look forward to the day when that feeling has passed out of my system-- and has been replaced by indifference. I can't wait until I don't know what you are anymore, I can't wait until you can never harm me again. What's great about that is it's something I am in control of, not you. I can't wait to let go of my anger.

Day 41 I feel better, because I am accepting. I am letting go of my anger toward my ex. And I am letting go of my wondering of him being with someone else, and my wondering of his real nature - none of that matters anymore. And focusing on my life, because that's what I still have - myself. Sometimes I feel sad. Other times I feel numb. And other times I feel happy. A lot of the time, I am introspective. I do not feel lonely, though. Life is quiet. Busy. I am growing as a person. Life changes. I don't need to know the future. All I need to do is being done by living in the present. It's nice to no longer feel so angry at someone, to no longer want someone to give you what they're not giving you. It does not change the feelings I had for him. It does not change my heart. But it means I can live my life without feeling not whole. It's OK now. I am moving on to enough forgiveness to let go. I do not know where I will be once I have let go, but that is OK, too.

I'm happy. It's nice to feel like my old self again. =)

Day 36 or 37? I feel happy today! The whole day. And not because of something that happened. I feel happy from the inside. I am starting to feel like me again. =)

Day 33 I realize love is a gift. We cannot control who we fall in love with. We may have an idea of what we think we want, and what we think we are looking for in a person, but ultimately falling in love is not a decision we make, and not something we can anticipate to happen when x,y and z are fulfilled, and not something that happens "at the right time" or even "in the right place". I was lucky enough to find love with my ex. Was it the right time or place? There is no right time or place. It happened. We fell in love. But how that love got handled was all wrong. He spent a lot of the our relationship not accepting me for me; shunning me, and denouncing us for our natural differences -- INSTEAD of learning from our differences, celebrating my person, and showing me his love. It wasn't ME you rejected, ex, it was love you rejected. Well, I didn't reject love. But without your acceptance, my hands were tied to effect any change between us. Instead, I watched you fight against giving and receiving love. I have learned you, dear ex, were ignorant to the recipe of allowing love to be in your life. It's OK, in that it is not something I hold against you. You are free to be who you are and to be where you are in life (just like I am)-- and that doesn't imply either of those things will ever change. I am beginning to accept it was your decision not just to not love, but also your decision to not allow Love into your life. Furthermore, it was a decision you made independent of me and regardless of knowing me. It was a decision that had nothing to do with me. I have realized a person can have romantic feelings for someone, and can try to make a life with them, but unless you honor their perspective, and unless you are willing to adapt and compromise to what it takes to share a life with them...in no way have you opened yourself to love. This is the wisdom that is hard-earned here for me. There is nothing I could have done to make you, dear ex, realize this. You simply did not want to do what has to happen to really love someone. I am not sorry I am not you. While I cannot force myself to love someone else, if I am so fortunate to love again...I will know to fully let love into my life (as I did before), and to give my partner a chance to let love into his life, or to move on if he doesn't (as I did not know before). The love we had was a gift to be cherished. I realize now there was nothing I could do to make you cherish something that you just didn't. It was sad, but by sticking around, I was not going to change it from being sad. I don't know if you will ever realize what you gave up. Yet, it was totally your right to decide what it is you want in life, and if real love is not what you want, that is certainly your prerogative. You may have a very different idea of the purpose that a romantic relationship serves you. For me, I want to be in love, and I want what that means, in my life. I want the compromise, honoring and respecting someone else and their perspective, learning from them, and growing with them. I WANT acceptance and the giving and receiving of love. I don't know if I will ever be fortunate enough to fall in love again. But that is Life. Life has no certainties when it comes to those things. I just have to trust that by being the person I am, I will continue to be happy, productive, and effect positive change in the people around me.

Day 31 The biggest change that has happened over the last 6 weeks is a focus from him, to me. It's not that I don't think about my ex. It's not that I let him off the hook for all his wrongs. It's not that I don't miss loving someone and being a part of something with them. But where I once would wake up in the middle of the night thinking of him, now if I wake up and he crosses my mind, I immediately think, "I don't want to think about that, I want to sleep!" and it's not because I am forcing myself to not think about him-- it has nothing to do with him. It's because I simply want to sleep. In this way and in many other examples, my thinking is now about MY life, not his. I need to sleep so I can feel healthy and happy, and anything that keeps me from sleeping, is something I'm not interested in. I have stuff to do and I need to sleep. I'm not spending much energy at all on thinking about my ex if it interferes with my life, goals, functioning, health, etc. So that is a healthy more recent change. Also, I suffered a personal loss about 10 days ago. My ex was not there for me and I did not expect him to be (nor do I know if he knows- probably not). I took the event as a way to further accept my ex is gone from my life and it reminded me of how he was never there for me, anyway. Someone who was there for me wouldn't have done x, y, and z things that he did. It's not with blame that I say that; it's with acceptance. I accept that you didn't truly love me, and I accept that the problems you had are not my problems. I did not deserve to be treated the way you treated me, but I don't feel like there is anything to be gained by waiting for an apology. THAT is moving on. You said we fight too much, when the reality of it was that we fought because I was waiting for an apology for all the absolutely horrid things you did to me during the time we lived together -- all the verbal abuse, the abuse of my pets, the abuse of me, to name just a few. We fought because I was not willing to subject myself to such treatment and you kept denying it was happening. You even accused me of having a "selective memory". Well, I started cataloging it and I have it documented, so I guess my memory has nothing to do with it. But you know what? IT'S OK. Because I am no longer waiting for any kind of apology, which means your problems are your problems and I am free of them. At last. You don't want to admit you were abusive? That's fine! You don't have to-- you got away with it and can pretend it never happened. You don't have to answer to me, because we don't talk. It's convenient, but it cost us both love and the energy we put into things. It was a trade-off you were willing to make and I don't want to be with someone who chooses his denial over doing right by me and by us. Heh. I accept I am a good person and I know I was a good girlfriend. If I don't meet anyone I like, that's OK. If I do, I know I have a lot to offer. I'll find a way to love other people, even if it's not romantically. Maybe I will volunteer when I have more time. Maybe I will adopt or foster a child some day. Love is not gone from my life, just you are. It is funny how my grieving brain did not make that connection before. I really loved you. But you weren't the only person I loved, nor were you the only thing I ever loved. I love myself, and I love life, and I love other people and I love other animals, too. Contrary to my fears when you left my life, I didn't lose love. It may not be romantic love, but I still have a lot of love in my life.

Day 30 (Well, that was easier than I thought. I guess it is easy to not talk to someone who doesn't want to talk to you, or give you what you want. heh. I'll keep posting.) My overall experience now, 30 days into NC, is that I recognize I am not going to in another serious relationship for a while. That's OK. I do not know how anyone can deeply love someone, and then just recover, like that. I don't think the heart works like that at all. The heart at first works to trick you, ping-ponging back and forth with conflicting emotions. It obsesses over either taking blame yourself, or blaming your ex-partner. The other person is gone, so you'll never find resolution with them. Eventually, it comes from you, as trite as that sounds. But since you loved, shared, and merged your life with them and theirs...that dies a slower death. Maybe some people spend a long time hung up in recovering. I don't want that to be me, but there are other worthwhile things I am focusing on right now (like my career, friends, hobbies). I also enjoy meeting people. It is probably this way I will eventually fall in love again. Just not right now, and that is OK. I still love myself, and that's what is most important.