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Laluna14

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  1. Hi catfeeder. That is a good idea about the women's groups. I think it would help me to take men my age who are single out of the equation so I could continue to get the aspects of the spiritual groups that are good for me. I also like your idea about the quick coffee dates. Those are a good way to see right away if there is any potential or not rather than things going on and on, and as you say it's not this ongoing thing that I would obsess over like in the spiritual group. And it removes all this projection and fantasizing about something that doesn't exist which I know is not healthy. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
  2. Hi proseyxi. You've definitely given me some food for thought. Yes, I do see a pattern for sure! I will definitely take your suggestion of looking at men I don't have to chase in the future. It would certainly make things easier because I know they are interested and don't need to spend all this time wondering. I think I need to be more open to those men and maybe ones I don't consider my type. I'm quite shy and quiet so that is why I thought that a man with similar temperament might understand me and be a good match. But who knows, maybe an extroverted, loud and fun loving guy might be good for me. I need to consider the possibility because my current pattern is not working for me. And I think it could be due to insecurity and setting myself up for failure. Thank you for your post and for this perspective, it's really helpful.
  3. Hi Tinydancer, Yes, I think that I am lonely. I'm also a hopeless romantic. I do want to be in love and find my partner. I think in the case of this latest guy there is a chance that he may be interested. But I don't feel he would ever make any kind of move so it would be up to me. I don't know if I ever could muster up the nerve to just out of the blue ask him for a coffee. Also we're never alone together so I am not sure there ever would be an opportunity. I also am not sure he would even be interested in a relationship because of how devoted he is to the group. Also, if he said no or things didn't work out it could be very awkward. Because of all those reasons I feel like it's probably best to pursue someone outside of this group that I have more of a chance with.
  4. Hi Jibralta. Thanks for reading. I guess the difference is that when I've dated it's been someone I met online and we meet in person and see if we like eachother. So it seems different to me than these unrequited crushes that usually come about because I'm in proximity to a guy. I think the spiritual aspect comes into play also and is something I find attractive. There have been situations with guys who I have found attracted and was interested in getting to know and they were not wanting to commit or seemed unavailable or not that interested or just wanted sex. In those cases though usually it did not go on for too long and ends eventually, either by him or me. With these spiritual groups because I'm part of the group and I go regularly and see the guy off and on, it just goes on and on. I forget about it for a while but then will see him again and all the crush feelings come flooding back. There is no resolution like there is with the dating.
  5. Hi there, thanks for your questions. Uneciprocated interest seems to be my life story. :) But thank you for telling me not to lose hope. I'm not married, never been married. Do not have kids and am now too old to have children of my own. I'd be open to being involved with a man with children however as I do like kids. Honestly, it's been a long time since I felt any man show interest in me. I think once you get over a certain age, men stop showing interest, flirting or hitting on you. At least that has been my experience since I reached 40. In the past the men that would hit on me, generally were not ones that I was interested in for whatever reason. I do think I seem to go for the shy, quiet type who don't go out of their way to express interest. Qualities I'm looking for are a kind heart, spiritual, open and communicative, good sense of humour, intellectual, cultured, sensitive. Someone who I can talk easily with and share life's moments with together. Looks are not as big of a thing for me but of course I can't lie and say that it isn't a factor. I don't have a particular physical type though. I do tend to like men who are as tall as or taller than me, and I'm a tall person. Also not really into muscular types.
  6. Hi all, I consider myself a spiritual person and have been in different meditation groups following a certain teacher for a number of years. I've noticed a pattern of falling into deep crushes with guys in these groups, some single, some not. But in all cases it's been unrequited. Because we meet and I'm contact with them regularly it tends to just grow out of hand and also we never meet outside of these sessions, so there is never any chance really for anything to be resolved. It's quite a conundrum. It seems whenever an attractive guy somewhat near my age is spiritually inclined and tends to be nice to me, because in these groups these guys are that way, I take it the wrong way and it evolves into this whole fantasy that just overtakes me. I've witnessed this pattern in myself but I seem to be completely powerless against it. I tell myself not to have these feelings but it's no use. The latest guy, it's been going on for years. I haven't been a regular member of this group. He is one of the long standing, "hard core", serious followers. He lived in another city but would travel to our centre for meetings so I'd see him every now and then. I thought he was attractive but that was about it. Maybe a couple of years ago I started going to some weekend retreats and being more involved and so I interacted with him a little bit. Mostly it was just brief conversations here and there. We would be involved in preparing the meal or doing some project and would talk a little. But I really know nothing about him. I don't know quite when things shifted but there were some times at a few of these retreats where we would lock eyes from across the room. It was one of those situations where your gaze meets but it was so intense for me that I had to look away. After that any of those brief times we would talk I would become so flustered. I'm sure I was probably blushing. Then my crush started to sky rocket and I felt increasingly awkward and shy around him. Things have continued this way off and on for the past couple of years now. Recently he moved to the same city as me, I believe to be more devoted to the spiritual practice, so now we see eachother more often. We sometimes sit beside eachother and our hands will brush. I can sometimes feel his eyes on me and I'll look up and we'll have one of those moments. He'll ask me to pass the coffee and we'll smile at eachother and have this... exchange of energy is the only way I can put it. It's probably all in my head but to me it feels very real like I can sense his energy whenever he is near me. But that is all it ever is. Every time I see him, I get those butterflies in the pit of my stomach and my heart starts racing. Last night we had one of those meetings and I felt like those endorphins were just coursing through my body and like I couldn't breathe. I kept thinking that maybe I was in love with him. All I could think about was how much I wanted to hold his hand or give him a hug. To tell him that I'm on his team and have his back. I know this is madness. I know I don't even know this person. And I also know deep down there is no hope for anything. That this could go on and on this way for another few years and never lead to anything outside of this group. He is on another level than me in terms of his knowledge of the teachings and his spiritual understanding. I feel like he is also so devoted to this practice that he is pretty much like a strict disciple or monk. I could never crack the surface. I wouldn't even know how. I don't know, I go to these groups with a sincere aim to work on my inner self and to achieve some state of peace and every time I find myself getting completely carried away with my infatuation. I'm 44 years old and I'm so tired of having crushes that never lead anywhere and never blossom into an actual partnership. It just leads me to question my own self and whether I'm just being controlled by chemicals in my brain. I just needed to write about this because I've felt so emotional like I'm about to explode and I have no one to talk to about this. It's so hard when you have all these feelings and there is nowhere for them to go!! And like I said, I can tell my brain a million times to be rational and not get out of control but it doesn't matter, it happens every damn time!! I'm just a slave to my emotions and infatuations. I've considered leaving the group but I don't really want to do that because aside from all this I do get a lot out of it. I do feel like this is a major distraction however. I just need help with it I guess is what I'm saying but I don't know how.
  7. Hi all, Hoping you can help me with some advice. A few months ago I decided to try online dating again. I went on two "first meetings", don't want to call them dates as to me it was just a meeting to see if there was mutual attraction or interest. The first one we met at a local beach and went for a really nice long walk. We went to a market and watched a busker/magician act which was really funny then walked back. It was very pleasant. We talked about how we both like hiking and at the end agreed we would meet up again and go on a hike together this summer. I think this was maybe in May. After our exchange on the evening of the date talking about hikes we might do, I never heard from him again. I didn't bother to follow up because I wasn't really certain if there was a connection or not. I was willing to go on another meeting/date to see but didn't pursue it as he clearly wasn't interested. The second one we met at patio and had a drink/appetizer. During that time he mentioned he has a lot of food allergies and doesn't drink. I don't think that has to be a deal breaker but I am a big foodie and enjoy food and drinks. We went for ice cream (gluten and dairy free for him!) after and had a good talk. At the end of the night he texted me and said he'd like to meet up again and I agreed. Again, after that, nothing. I just let it go because I wasn't too sure about the connection myself. I've been ghosted so many times now that I don't really have the energy to follow up if I didn't feel immediate sparks but wonder if I am being too picky. I figure if a guy just never texts you back, why bother to follow up? But the again, I've been single for a long time so I don't really know the "rules" of dating. Anyway, it's been at least three or four months and suddenly this week I get a text from both these guys, saying sorry for the long absence and asking how am I and would I like to meet up again. What?? Am I the only one that thinks this is weird? I have a feeling maybe they were pursuing other women and that ended so they are looking at back up plans? Or maybe something happened in their lives, who knows. I don't want to judge but to me months of silence like that doesn't bode well. What do you think, should I give them a chance? I think I at least want to write and ask what happened but I don't really know if I want to go on a date with either of them again. I don't want to be rude either but... What would you do?
  8. Hi Sera, just wanted to chime in here and say you are not alone. I am 41 and have never really had a serious relationship. I have online dated for many years but never met anyone that progressed more than a few dates. I have also joined meetups and done all those things that people suggest, i.e. activities that I am interested in that will help me to meet people. I too come across as shy and quiet and am socially anxious and as such have a small circle of friends, so I am sure this contributes to my difficulties meeting someone. I really do long for a relationship but this has always been a real struggle for me. I feel like some kind of freak sometimes because of this so I wanted you to know there are others who are in the same boat as you. It's tough!
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