Can I Safely Date Older Men?

[SkyBlue98]

You have to understand what you readers are absorbing. It was relevant.

 

I don't really understand what I was saying to come off so terrible though. I started this thread because I needed help so yes, I was going to talk about my problems. If I was going to talk about volunteer work I'd done, I would have gone elsewhere.

[katrina1980]

 

I do yoga as well, and I do enjoy it, but I need more than just that. But I do understand what you're saying, and you're right- I can't rely on a man, or anyone for that matter, to solve my problems.

 

Yes you do and not suggesting you don't (need more). I believe I said that in my post.

 

Wanting and needing a partner to connect with, who understands us and loves us, is natural and equally as important as feeling a *connection* to and within yourself.

 

In fact, I am now in a new relationship myself!

 

Wherein we are both learning from each other! In different ways.

 

Anyhoo, nuff said from me I guess.

 

Good luck on your journey Sky, wish you the best!

[SkyBlue98]

 

Yes you do and not suggesting you don't (need more). I believe I said that in my post.

 

Wanting and needing a partner to connect with, who understands us, is natural and equally important as feeling a *connection* within yourself.

 

In fact, I am now in a new relationship myself!

 

Wherein we are both learning from each other! In different ways.

 

Anyhoo, nuff said from me I guess.

 

Good luck on your journey Sky, wish you the best!

 

Thanks a lot

[katrina1980]

I don't really understand what I was saying to come off so terrible though. I started this thread because I needed help so yes, I was going to talk about my problems. If I was going to talk about volunteer work I'd done, I would have gone elsewhere.

 

Sky, just to know in case you ever wish to come back again, is that the more facts and information posters have about you and your situation, the better we will be at assessing, opining, and advising you.

 

There will always be posts that you find helpful and some not so helpful.

 

You take them all in, and then do what works best for you!

 

I can't tell you the number of times I have had an opinion and as more information is revealed later in the thread, my opinion changed.

 

Facts, info are relevant and important.

[itsallgrand]

I agree with what you're saying, up to a point... I just think it can be really hard to find a young guy who I really connect to. I said somewhere earlier in the thread that all that confidence is attractive on an older guy, but for a younger guy it can seem arrogant.

 

But also I am a suspicious person by nature, and although I like older men I would definitely be wary of one who had no qualms about being in a relationship with me.

 

This to me, along with specifically being drawn to the older men, gives me the idea that you do not want to actually date. Maybe one part of you does, but another part has built this fantasy and ideas about different men as a way to make sure you are unavailable for it.

 

The idea of feeling different and more mature than others your age is pretty typical actually. Most 18 year olds I know seem to think you are above average in maturity (especially girls). But that belief can be a huge blind spot that others can and will exploit if you allow it. It's actually 'safer' to acknowledge you aren't all that different from others your age - on a fundamental level, at the least. Of course you are different in personal ways.

 

I remember when I was 18 my biggest crush was on a man who headed for the priesthood. Not even kidding. The unavailable man at the extreme, right?

 

So something more to consider. I think you are lonely but that doesn't have to mean dating - in fact, coming to dating from a lonely angle is rather risky, as it can cause people to make some less than great decisions than they othrewise wouldn't make if they didn't have such a need to be understood and cared for.

 

Focus on yourself for a while. Again, what's the rush?

[SkyBlue98]

This to me, along with specifically being drawn to the older men, gives me the idea that you do not want to actually date. Maybe one part of you does, but another part has built this fantasy and ideas about different men as a way to make sure you are unavailable for it.

 

The idea of feeling different and more mature than others your age is pretty typical actually. Most 18 year olds I know seem to think you are above average in maturity (especially girls). But that belief can be a huge blind spot that others can and will exploit if you allow it. It's actually 'safer' to acknowledge you aren't all that different from others your age - on a fundamental level, at the least. Of course you are different in personal ways.

 

I remember when I was 18 my biggest crush was on a man who headed for the priesthood. Not even kidding. The unavailable man at the extreme, right?

 

So something more to consider. I think you are lonely but that doesn't have to mean dating - in fact, coming to dating from a lonely angle is rather risky, as it can cause people to make some less than great decisions than they othrewise wouldn't make if they didn't have such a need to be understood and cared for.

 

Focus on yourself for a while. Again, what's the rush?

 

I guess unless we actually met in person, I would never honestly be able to convince you that I was more mature than that average 18 yr old. I think I am, but there's no real way to "prove" it, if such a thing is even possible.

 

I've dreamed of being in love since I was 12 years old... I don't think it's that I'm not ready, I think its just that I am in some ways more mature than my 18 years and in some ways less, so I'm stuck in this funny place not feeling right for anyone.

 

And as for why the rush... Well, this may sound overdramatic, but I don't know how much time I have. I have a cousin who died when she was 12, there are no guarantees.

[Rising100]

I just found this topic and damn did alot of people judge her so quickly, that escalated faster than I thought.

 

Anyways, I can relate since I have made older friends and younger friends. I am very private with my life and just because I have an older woman as a friend or a younger woman as a friend doesnt mean I am interested in her, yet I can have these friendships.

One of my friends is an older woman and we rarely talk but she shares interesting things which I like to hear. I also have a friend who is a younger woman and Im not interested in her in any way, wow big surprise right? She does ask for alot of advice but we still have a nice conversation. Very different people and good to talk to eventually, thats all there is.

 

When I was 18 or 20, I wasn't getting drunk all the time or partying either. I had a large group of friends but my ''real'' friends were very few and I was very selective of them. So everyone is not the same and I was also the one to have different types of friends who eventually brought them all together.

I dont know what your reasons are, what you been through or are going through right now but I believe theres always a reason for everything and nothing should be forced.

[Zaphod]

I went on a humanitarian trip to Cambodia in March for three weeks where I saw people who lived with such struggles and sadness. They lived in the face of such poverty and had so much working against them, yet they still live with so much joy. That, to me, was amazing.

 

So what's your take on how that works then? I've always been interested in why that is. I mean, they're not superhuman or anything, their brains and bodies are the same as ours. What's the magic ingredient, I wonder?

 

Also, do you think Yoga would help my back problems? I suffer from muscular tension.

 

Here's another question :

 

Do you think that if Heroin, Cocaine, Ecstasy, Lsd, weed etc. were legal, do you think that people would still choose alcohol as their intoxicant of choice?

[SkyBlue98]

So what's your take on how that works then? I've always been interested in why that is. I mean, they're not superhuman or anything, their brains and bodies are the same as ours. What's the magic ingredient, I wonder?

 

Also, do you think Yoga would help my back problems? I suffer from muscular tension.

 

I think it's just that when you don't have as much, you're grateful for everything you have... It is amazing, but it's also sad.

 

And yes! Definitely you should try yoga.

[Zaphod]

I think it's just that when you don't have as much, you're grateful for everything you have... It is amazing, but it's also sad.

 

And yes! Definitely you should try yoga.

 

If I recall, their was an experiment or lecture or something I read about once that measured "happiness quotient" or something like that. My memory is a bit vague. I could try and find it on youtube. It revealed the hypothesis that receiving something to eat when hungry boosted it considerably, whereas receiving a new iphone did not. I think it could be a relative thing.

 

The thing about Yoga is I'm so inflexible anyway, I've always had a kind of trepidation about trying it as I don't think I'd even be able to attempt the various positions etc.

[katrina1980]

If I recall, their was an experiment or lecture or something I read about once that measured "happiness quotient" or something like that. My memory is a bit vague. I could try and find it on youtube. It revealed the hypothesis that receiving something to eat when hungry boosted it considerably, whereas receiving a new iphone did not. I think it could be a relative thing.

 

The thing about Yoga is I'm so inflexible anyway, I've always had a kind of trepidation about trying it as I don't think I'd even be able to attempt the various positions etc.

 

For your back, acupuncture or a chiropractor might be more beneficial.

 

Or even just a good masseuse.

[SkyBlue98]

Yoga can be hard especially if your back isn't flexible, but if you start slow and at a beginner level, it can be great.

[SkyBlue98]

I just found this topic and damn did alot of people judge her so quickly, that escalated faster than I thought.

 

Anyways, I can relate since I have made older friends and younger friends. I am very private with my life and just because I have an older woman as a friend or a younger woman as a friend doesnt mean I am interested in her, yet I can have these friendships.

One of my friends is an older woman and we rarely talk but she shares interesting things which I like to hear. I also have a friend who is a younger woman and Im not interested in her in any way, wow big surprise right? She does ask for alot of advice but we still have a nice conversation. Very different people and good to talk to eventually, thats all there is.

 

When I was 18 or 20, I wasn't getting drunk all the time or partying either. I had a large group of friends but my ''real'' friends were very few and I was very selective of them. So everyone is not the same and I was also the one to have different types of friends who eventually brought them all together.

I dont know what your reasons are, what you been through or are going through right now but I believe theres always a reason for everything and nothing should be forced.

 

Thanks you sound really kind.

[Zaphod]

Or even just a good masseuse.

 

Deep tissue massage?

[Zaphod]

BTW - when I was 18 I was still getting drunk, but falling gradually out of favour with it, preferring to smoke dope instead. By the time I got to twenty I wasn't getting drunk at all, but was smoking dope.

 

Yeah ok, a couple of drinks is ok. But to me, getting drunk is such an unrefined and sloppy high. And it makes you sick as well. Fancy going out and acting like an idiot then throwing up half your stomach lining on the pavement (sorry, "sidewalk" - American) - yeah sounds like a great night out *sarcasm*.

 

I quite enjoyed smart drugs during the nineties, good quality E's and coke. We danced and sweated, and cuddled. We talked and we made designs for the future. Yeah it was great. But that zeitgeist has gone, and those drugs cease now to exist in the quality format that they were back then. I just smoke a little dope now, and drink loads of coffee all the time. Getting drunk? I'd rather stick my head next to a car exhaust and get high off that.

 

Edit - I know it's not in the flesh, but seems like you're already making friends with older people on this thread. Progress, perhaps?

[SkyBlue98]

BTW - when I was 18 I was still getting drunk, but falling gradually out of favour with it, preferring to smoke dope instead. By the time I got to twenty I wasn't getting drunk at all, but was smoking dope.

 

Yeah ok, a couple of drinks is ok. But to me, getting drunk is such an unrefined and sloppy high. And it makes you sick as well. Fancy going out and acting like an idiot then throwing up half your stomach lining on the pavement (sorry, "sidewalk" - American) - yeah sounds like a great night out *sarcasm*.

 

I quite enjoyed smart drugs during the nineties, good quality E's and coke. We danced and sweated, and cuddled. We talked and we made designs for the future. Yeah it was great. But that zeitgeist has gone, and those drugs cease now to exist in the quality format that they were back then. I just smoke a little dope now, and drink loads of coffee all the time. Getting drunk? I'd rather stick my head next to a car exhaust and get high off that.

 

I feel like it's just weird for me, because my best friend is going down this path- not so extreme that she's getting drunk every night, but she is drinking more- and I'm just kind of stuck back here, feeling like, wow, she's really changed. It's strange.

[Zaphod]

I feel like it's just weird for me, because my best friend is going down this path- not so extreme that she's getting drunk every night, but she is drinking more- and I'm just kind of stuck back here, feeling like, wow, she's really changed. It's strange.

 

I went through the same experience with loads of my mates. Being at a party where everyone's drinking and you're not is a real eye opener.

 

You can't control other people. You can only control your reactions to them and your own behaviour.

 

Alcohol plays a very strange role in our society, almost like we worship it or something. I personally think it's rather pathetic. Everywhere you go, people are trying to push this drug on you, then make you feel guilty for not participating, claiming that it's "weird not to drink". They can't see that the opposite is in fact the case.

 

Drinking is a lazy way of developing your social skills IMHO. If you can develop them without drink, you are doing well. Try and do that, and you're a step ahead. Ever notice how people say "I drink to give me confidence, to talk to people, to relax". It's the lazy option.

[katrina1980]

Deep tissue massage?

 

Yes of course! But make sure you see a qualified and experienced one, otherwise it could actually make your muscle tension worse!

 

That happened to me once and I was in even more pain after I left than before I went in!

 

Yoga helps with my flexibility, circulatory health and energy levels.

 

Pilates does same but also increases muscle strength and tone.

 

Both keep me calm, less anxious.

[Zaphod]

Yes of course! But make sure you see a qualified and experienced one, otherwise it could actually make your muscle tension worse!

 

That happened to me once and I was in even more pain after I left than before I went in!

 

Yoga helps with my flexibility, circulatory health and energy levels.

 

Pilates does same but also increases muscle strength and tone.

 

Both keep me calm, less anxious.

 

I find the martial arts and boxing help me with these aspects. The tissue massage, I get your point. Probably can be a dangerous thing if not done properly. But then, I've heard it said about osteopathy and chiropracting. I will choose carefully then.

[charity]

I understand what you're looking for. And I do think men who fit that profile do exist but it will be hard to find. My ex is friends with lots of women. He is 50. His friends range from young to old. He will be comfortable meeting a young woman, swapping numbers and becoming a friend to her.He would not go on a dating site looking for young women, it would have to happen somewhat naturally. He is a musician so it can happen easily in his environment. Anyway from what he's told me....he likes that mentor role. He likes attention, feeling that he is important to someone's life, can make a positive contribution. . He doesn't live that 'normal' life of responsibilities and obligations. He does not care what people think of him as long as he feels he's not doing wrong. I found it quite difficult to understand his way when we were together. To me he didn't seem creepy but I could see that this behaviour could be seen as creepy. Now we are not together but are still in contact. I've known him 15 years. He's still the same and he will still befriend young women if he meets someone interesting. After we split up he became romantically involved with a 23 year old, at the time he was 45. I was appalled. He admitted that he felt it was too young but the more he got to know her the more okay it seemed. Anyway it didn't last long and now he's involved with a woman 2 years older than him. He swears she can more immature than most other women he's been with. Anyway I just wanted to give some different input.

[dave_1966]

If they're old enough to be your biological father, it will rarely work out. Combined with there being lots of damaged goods on dating websites in the forty plus region, I'd steer clear for obvious reasons. At your age go no older than thirty.

[RainyCoast]

Loneliness isn't the best reason to start a relationship, neither is the wish for surrogates.

 

The loneliness you described is called basic anxiety. It is the insiduous, pervasive feeling of being lonely and helpless in a hostile world, and is the basis for all later neuroses. It comes from the hostility toward ungratifying parents that the child represses because he or she fears losing even whatever little substitutes for parental warmth they're getting, for fear, or feelings of guilt.

 

When you feel a lack of something basic inside you, it's tempting to project the elusive thing into someone else, to convince yourself the Other possess it, and that's how you can get it, through the Other. People can spend their entire lives looking for the elusive Thing. You can go in circles that way, for however long, but it always turns out the other doesn't have it, isn't the keeper of treats, has no holy grail, and you're back to the task of having to find it in yourself, and nourish it. True, other people can fertilize that growth. Sometimes with goodness, other times, with re-traumatizing manure.

 

Since my mother's death i have no remaining living relatives, i buried my entire family. and my last relationship ended last year. I'm not sure i feel lonelier for it. Helpless at times, alone at times, but not condemned to loneliness. I keep pretty busy, on the inside and out.

 

It's worth echoing what others have said about excluding pretty much the entire human population save older men from the people you'd relate to. I find setting high standards for others is sometimes necessary and not really conceited, but deciding nearly everyone is inappropriate is a bit much, no? Waiting for people to understand you, go lengths to relate to you while you remain in your hermetic bubble, dreaming of the perfect father/lover/friend isn't likely to work out well. It isn't that difficult to try to understand people, even ones you don't feel are of the same species as you, and to try to relate to them. It's taking a step closer to them, and encourages them to get to know and appreciate you for who you are as well.

 

It isn't unusual for deprived children to have fantasies of the perfect lovers and saviors at an early age. the libido isn't well differentiated at that age, so it can be hard for young people to differentiate between emotional, mental, psychological contents from erotic ones. For some adults as well.

Again, it's transference, not love, and therapists use it to rescript the early experience so that the client is able to model their relationships on a safe attachment style, rather than seeking surrogates.

 

I think you've gotten good suggestions for making friends and finding role models and mentors. From here on, it's about whether that's something you actually want to do, or whether you'd rather dream of having basic childhood needs met, and attempt to use a semblance of a relationship for that purpose.

 

I understand you think your maturity and intelligence would keep a mature partner engaged with you, but while cerabral and psychological motivation is great in a relationship, it doesn't make one. A hybrid of a therapist and intellectual sounds grand, but doesn't quite tick the boxes for a partner. A hybrid of youthful beauty and brain likewise.

 

I think your oscillation between wanting guidance and insisting on an older lover may well result in you crossing friendship boundaries with any potential older men, and that pretty much puts you in their mercy, since you can only hope you won the lottery and whoever senses your crush won't take advantage of that.

 

It seems cynical, and almost like villanizing every older man who doesn't run from the youth like they're contagious, but it's not what i intend.

 

I just think that while you can be careful, it seems doubtful you will, due to this ravenous hunger.

 

I'd make a mental note of the fact that when inexperienced and vulnerable, it's better to be safe than sorry.

 

If you find yourself involved with the wrong kind, note that they're decades ahead of you and have developed a million tricks to get you sc****d over, when, despite your maturity and intelligence, you've developed significantly less ways to defend and protect yourself.

 

College is supposed to offer free counseling in the states. I'd milk that. Once you have the emotional needs met in a suitable way, it should be easier to relate to men from a healthier place. If you get involved with someone while in therapy and it goes seriously wrong, you'd also have someone to tell.

[Andrina]

After my divorce in my mid-forties, I went on dates with about 30 men, mostly from online dating. Most of the time, it didn't go past the first date. Some lasted up to 3 dates. One for a few months and one for a year. You can't generalize that men this age are superior as partners. There are just as many liars and self-serving, narcissistic men in this age group as those who are younger. It would be far healthier for you to change your mindset and see each new person you meet with fresh eyes. Have a one day at a time, wait and see attitude as the person gradually reveals who they are over time.

 

Give those young guys a break. The brain isn't fully formed until age 25. People are experimenting with who they are and coming into their own. I'm glad they have confidence. Self love is a wonderful thing, as long as the person also take interest in others and exhibit kindness. It's far better than beating themselves up inside and acting like a pitiful soul.

 

What others have suggested about counseling is spot on. You will never be successful in a relationship until you are mentally healthy and you've gotten to a place of being happy solo. Think of it as wanting to share your joy with someone once you've gotten to that happy place, versus someone coming in to fill the void in you.

 

Joining clubs where your passion lies is a good way to relate to people in your age group or otherwise. I can't see how maturity or lack of it will intrude when everyone is passionate about, and having fun, with some interest they commonly enjoy.

 

If your relationship with your dad is lacking, why don't you make the first move in bettering it? Ask your dad to do someone one-on-one activities with you? He may have lacked the skills of fathering if he himself didn't have a good role model. Show him the way and tell him what you need. If he doesn't respond how you wish, visit a nursing home and friend some elderly people there to get your parenting fix.

 

You will find over time that friendships can and usually will change or evolve or end. Some friends move away. Some have children and have less time for you. Some grow apart and from you. Just knowing it's a common occurrence for everyone might make you feel better. Like one other poster said, keep at least a handful of friends so that if one friend leaves your world, you will always have others in your life. Take care.

[Zaphod]

If they're old enough to be your biological father, it will rarely work out. Combined with there being lots of damaged goods on dating websites in the forty plus region, I'd steer clear for obvious reasons. At your age go no older than thirty.

 

At a stretch though, if she went 30, then it's still possible the guy would be old enough to be her biological father.

 

The phrase "He's old enough to be your father" is a fairly menaingless social construct.

 

You have a good point about the dating websites. If it were me, I'd be far more worried about these than I would be about the age of said partner.

[SkyBlue98]

Loneliness isn't the best reason to start a relationship, neither is the wish for surrogates.

 

The loneliness you described is called basic anxiety. It is the insiduous, pervasive feeling of being lonely and helpless in a hostile world, and is the basis for all later neuroses. It comes from the hostility toward ungratifying parents that the child represses because he or she fears losing even whatever little substitutes for parental warmth they're getting, for fear, or feelings of guilt.

 

When you feel a lack of something basic inside you, it's tempting to project the elusive thing into someone else, to convince yourself the Other possess it, and that's how you can get it, through the Other. People can spend their entire lives looking for the elusive Thing. You can go in circles that way, for however long, but it always turns out the other doesn't have it, isn't the keeper of treats, has no holy grail, and you're back to the task of having to find it in yourself, and nourish it. True, other people can fertilize that growth. Sometimes with goodness, other times, with re-traumatizing manure.

 

Since my mother's death i have no remaining living relatives, i buried my entire family. and my last relationship ended last year. I'm not sure i feel lonelier for it. Helpless at times, alone at times, but not condemned to loneliness. I keep pretty busy, on the inside and out.

 

It's worth echoing what others have said about excluding pretty much the entire human population save older men from the people you'd relate to. I find setting high standards for others is sometimes necessary and not really conceited, but deciding nearly everyone is inappropriate is a bit much, no? Waiting for people to understand you, go lengths to relate to you while you remain in your hermetic bubble, dreaming of the perfect father/lover/friend isn't likely to work out well. It isn't that difficult to try to understand people, even ones you don't feel are of the same species as you, and to try to relate to them. It's taking a step closer to them, and encourages them to get to know and appreciate you for who you are as well.

 

It isn't unusual for deprived children to have fantasies of the perfect lovers and saviors at an early age. the libido isn't well differentiated at that age, so it can be hard for young people to differentiate between emotional, mental, psychological contents from erotic ones. For some adults as well.

Again, it's transference, not love, and therapists use it to rescript the early experience so that the client is able to model their relationships on a safe attachment style, rather than seeking surrogates.

 

I think you've gotten good suggestions for making friends and finding role models and mentors. From here on, it's about whether that's something you actually want to do, or whether you'd rather dream of having basic childhood needs met, and attempt to use a semblance of a relationship for that purpose.

 

I understand you think your maturity and intelligence would keep a mature partner engaged with you, but while cerabral and psychological motivation is great in a relationship, it doesn't make one. A hybrid of a therapist and intellectual sounds grand, but doesn't quite tick the boxes for a partner. A hybrid of youthful beauty and brain likewise.

 

I think your oscillation between wanting guidance and insisting on an older lover may well result in you crossing friendship boundaries with any potential older men, and that pretty much puts you in their mercy, since you can only hope you won the lottery and whoever senses your crush won't take advantage of that.

 

It seems cynical, and almost like villanizing every older man who doesn't run from the youth like they're contagious, but it's not what i intend.

 

I just think that while you can be careful, it seems doubtful you will, due to this ravenous hunger.

 

I'd make a mental note of the fact that when inexperienced and vulnerable, it's better to be safe than sorry.

 

If you find yourself involved with the wrong kind, note that they're decades ahead of you and have developed a million tricks to get you sc****d over, when, despite your maturity and intelligence, you've developed significantly less ways to defend and protect yourself.

 

College is supposed to offer free counseling in the states. I'd milk that. Once you have the emotional needs met in a suitable way, it should be easier to relate to men from a healthier place. If you get involved with someone while in therapy and it goes seriously wrong, you'd also have someone to tell.

 

I would be careful though... That's the thing. I'm suspicious by nature, and even when I joined that dating site, I think I knew deep down that I wasn't really going to meet anybody from it in real life. I found that way too intimidating.